ANGER ISSUES

 Someone asked me recently if I ever get angry. I was pretty shocked by the question and wondered why anyone would think I do not get angry. After thinking about it I have come to the conclusion that because I am usually on an even keel and pretty much okay with myself and life, others might think I am above anger.

Trust me. I am not above anger.

I can have a meltdown like anyone else and my meltdowns are not pretty.

There are usually two circumstances that can happen that will drive me over the edge and into a feeling of overwhelm.

One is trying to pull a meal together where there is a lot of prep and cooking and I have no help, and the other is about anything having to do with technical issues. 

I love to cook. I am a creative cook and the majority of my dishes are all made from scratch. I am at home and have time to shop and prepare and really like to turn out beautiful, tasty meals and desserts. When I get frustrated, which leads to my meltdown, is when I am trying to mange two or three dishes at once and I need help. 

If I am alone, I deal with it and do not get angry, but if there are other adults around who are watching TV or doing other mindless things and are not offering to help, I get pissed.

Because one of my basic beliefs about myself and life is that I am alone, I have to do it all and nobody cares enough about me to offer help, I can easily fall into the poor me, nobody cares state of mind and I have to do it all lies that I took on as a young girl.  These thoughts make me angry.

I know this is a childhood issue, and I am working on it, but I am not there yet. Meanwhile, I allow my anger to be what it is and pay attention to it. 

I sometimes have the presence of mind to take a deep breath and step back for a minute. When I do that I can then ask for help in a nice way instead of in an accusatory and ugly way and I can make it through without getting angry at myself and everyone around me. When I am able to do this I feel good because I know the healing work I have been doing is working. 

Then there are technical issues, which are a biggie for me. It is like I have grey cells missing in my brain when it comes to tech stuff. I have come close to throwing my phone and my laptop across the room many times. 

When I get in a bind, I go to Google and look for the answer to my problem, and there usually are directions for me to follow to fix the problem. However, most of the time I do not understand the directions. I don't get the language of technology. 

Personally, I don't even want to get the language, I just want someone to fix the problem for me and show me how to fix it it happens again. Maybe I am lazy when it comes to learning technology but that's okay with me because I have absolutely no interest in technology. 

I did not grow up in a high tech world, in fact, a lot of the technical advances of today blow my mind.

My interests are, and always have been, focused around words and feelings. I love words, am an avid reader and have written stories since I was a young girl. As far as the feelings part, I pay attention to my feelings and to the feelings of those around me. I usually can express my feelings and I easily read the feelings and state of mind of others. These are the things that excite me and keep my world humming.

Will I ever get past my anger issues and live in  perfect peace? I doubt it. But, that's okay because I understand that anger is part of my humanity.  The two areas of feeling alone and lack of understanding of technology may always be with me and I may always be activated by them. The good news is I am aware of these issues and am learning more and more to take deep breaths and step back from the situation before I explode. So, I am making progress and that is what matters.