DISAPPOINTING OTHERS

 

DISAPPOINTING OTHERS

I have been thinking about a line in Oriah Mountain Dreamer's poem,, The Invitation.

    "It doesn't interest me if the story you are tellig me is true. I want to know if you can 

    disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and

    not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and trustworthy."

These verses have resurfaced in my mind as I have pondered some recent happenings in my life and in the lives of those around me.

It is a risky act to do what feels right for self, and in that action to disappoint another. It is risky to say no when we know soneone is waiting for us to say yes, because it is what they need to hear. We put ourselves at risk often when we tell the truth about what we think, feel or believe. I am becoming increasingly aware of when others do not really want to hear my truth about what I feel, dislike or like because they need me to like or dislike what they like or dislike. 

As humans, we tend to become disappointed, and sometimes even angry, when otthers do not agree with what we see or feel. I believe we all do this to a certain extent and instead of letting otthers have their own feelings and thoughts about life, behaviors, attitudes and beliefs, we becone disappointed. Hurt often accompanies disappointment. 

I am seeing what a great burden we place on others when we require them to agree with us and say and do what we need and expect them to do or say. It is an unfair burden and though it is usually done without any forethought or malice, it is nevertheless placing an unfair burden on someone else. 

I remember when I first read the lines from the quote above, how confused I felt by it. I had a difficult time making sense of disappointing another to be true to myself.  Because I spent so much of my life as a "yes" person in my need for approval  it was next to impossible for me to disagree and i.e. disappoint another.  Being disapproved of was too great a risk for me.

Gratefully as I grow within myself and learn to be with who I am, I am coming to a place of understanding the importance of authenticity and how sometimes I have to say no. Learning to be true to myself means speaking truth and doing the hard thing....even when and if it disappoints another.

Those who know me know I am about love and kindness. I enjoy seeing people happy and I readily admit that it feels good to be liked and approved. I don't like disappointing others, however I like even less the feeling I have when I betray myself by pretending to be other than who I am. 

I want to be seen as trustworthy-- one who, when asked the hard questions, I can answer truthfully and always with love and compassion.

YOU ARE.....

You are......Worthy, lovable, deserving of peace and awesome.

No matter what you do, what your job is, how much you own, how big or small your house is, how much or how little money you have, or what kind of car you drive. No matter what!! You are a worthwhile human who matters. How do I know this? Because we are all created by the creator in the image of the creator. We are all spirit beings in a human body, here on planet earth, having a human experience. We tend to forget our inherent self-worth when we get entangled in the lower reaches of our humanity and forget we are living, breathing souls walking around in a human body.

I lived for years out of a deep sense of unworthiness and shame. I knew all the things I had done and said, as a human, over the years. I said many unkind things to many people, I reacted often in anger and self-righteousness, I did things that were unbecoming and I reacted too many times in ugliness. I self-aggressed through giving others control of my body so I could have a few minutes of acceptance, through eating unhealthy foods and burning the candle at both ends. I put myself in harms way by acting stupidly with no thought of what the outcome might be.

I didn't do it all, but I did a lot. And I did it all with no realization that I was self-aggressing, and definitely no idea at all that underneath all the indignities and harm I put myself through, there was a worthwhile being living in my body. I did not know that I deserved to be nurtured, treated kindly and loved for who I was.

It was the early 1980's when I consciously realized something was missing. I had already left organized religion and was flirting with new age beliefs. I had completed the est training and was slowly waking up to life, spirituality and myself.  I was on a journey of self-realization and did not know it at the time. I longed for authenticity and somehow knew in order to be authentic, I would have to find out who I really was underneath all the crap I lived out of and believed to be true. I wanted to reach a higher level of consciousness because somehow I knew there was more to life than what I knew and believed. I put my foot on the path to uncovering myself, healing my childhood wounds and finding my self-worth.

I have been on this path for forty-three years and am still uncovering pieces of myself that were tucked away deep within my being.  I have learned first hand how we tuck away and deeply cover over the parts of us that others say, by word or deed, are unlovable and unacceptable parts. I am talking about those parts like: you are lazy, stupid, dumb, ugly, fat, skinny, a slut or a Romeo, too short or too tall, not like your brother, sister or cousin, or too much like your mom, dad or other family member, you can't do anything right, your nose is too big, you are mean, etc. I hope you get the drift. 

I want to be clear that words and deeds that affect our sense of self-worth are not always spoken in anger. Most parents do love their children and have no intention of harming their child. However, most parents also have a deep (usually unspoken and often unacknowledged) desire for the child to be a certain way. This is where the problem comes in. Unavailable, or unwilling to face their own pain, they live with unhealed childhood wounds and act out of their own wounding. It is just what we do, without meaning to destroy a child's self-worth, and cause the child to think something is flawed within. As children, we usually bend to the status quo because that is how we get the approval we need from our caretakers. 

And, so the cycle continues. Deeply wounded people with low self worth create more deeply wounded people with low self worth. I know so many who are trapped in their shame based life who either go within and are too afraid to use their voice, and they become silent.  Or they become hooked on control as a way of believing they are always right.  That way they can pretend they have good self worth. I leaned more towards the latter, but was silent a lot also for fear of saying something that would make someone not like me. It really is a vicious cycle, but thankfully its a cycle that can be broken. 

The best part of my healing journey,  and the most painful part, has been and still is, going within and identifying my core issues so I can bring them to light. This is called shadow work. This is where I am seeing my true self and giving myself permission to be who I am, forgiving myself and loving myself as I am, with all of my flaws. I am learning to allow myself to be perfectly imperfect.

I am now at a place where I can acknowledge anger, shame, anxiety, fear, brokenness, sadness or any of the "negative" emotions we humans usually do not want to be associated with. I am learning that whatever I feel is okay. It is just what I feel and to make some feelings good and some bad is part of the low self worth cycle. Because we may have been taught that something is wrong with us if we feel a certain way does not mean it is true. I have been taught many things in life by well meaning people that I have found out are not true. When we can give self permission to feel whatever we feel without making self wrong, we can be real. 

As I have said before, "The more I know, the more I know how much I don't know. But, what I do know, I know." And, this is something I know: underneath our angst, doubt, fear and worry lies a deep vein of love, peace and joy. It is there, often buried under the stories we tell ourselves about life. Be willing to mine for the gold, mine for the diamonds. What we all long for is already here,  stuffed under the buried, but still there, parts we consider unacceptable.

Know this:

You are.... a worthwhile human, a lovable soul, you deserve to be at peace within. You deserve to know and honor your worth. You are loved, loving and lovable.

YOU MATTER GREATLY!!

Self-Acceptance

Due to events happening in my life, I am becoming acutely aware that my two closest companions are sadness and loneliness. In the past few months I have had some life-altering experiences that have changed my perspective on myself and on how and why I react to certain circumstances the way I do. The events did not alter my life externally, but they caused an earthquake within, which is good. As I have practiced taking a step back and looking within for insight into my reactions, I have been blessed with an awareness and an understanding of what I have been carrying within.  This is when I  began to clearly see the depth of my sadness and loneliness. 

For years, or at least since I have been on this remarkable soul- healing journey, I have pathologized these feelings. It felt natural to classify them as wrong and unhealthy, especially in a society that prizes happiness, feeling good and always "being fine." I have found this  to be true, not only in society in general, but especially in religious and spiritual beliefs. Somehow, there is a misguided belief out there that if you are in relationship with creator energy, all is supposed to be hunky-dorey, pie in the sky for you. I call bullcrap on that.

Thankfully, my understanding of the healing journey is evolving and I am aware of how often I label sadness and loneliness as a sign of something being wrong. I viewed these feelings as harbingers of something being askew, as a message that I needed to be fixed or healed or somehow processed so the feelings could morph into something more positive and acceptable to myself and to the society we live in. I have even questioned whether I maybe needed to raise my vibration so I would not have these feelings. By the way, the answer to that question is a big, resounding NO. The correct answer is to accept and embrace what I become aware of. This process is called "becoming an authentic human being."

What a relief it has been to get to the place of understanding feelings only need to be accepted and embraced. There is nothing wrong with sadness or loneliness. It is okay to feel broken, or down or in doubt. It is okay to stay close to the feelings and open to the place within where the sadness and loneliness dwell. When we have these feelings they are not coming to us from someplace outside of self, they are coming up from within. We already own them. 

When we are willing to quit pretending all is well and allow Self to go beneath the feeling, we can own our true Self and let the healing in.

We are all human, therefore, we all are a conglomeration of feelings, thoughts and insights. We also all walk around with our abandoned feelings stuffed away in deep and dark places within. Modern psychology calls this our shadow self. 

God forbid we should admit to anyone, or anyone would see our sadness or loneliness, or fear, or doubt. Most of us want to show the world a "put together" person, someone who is "fine", fit and able. The last thing we want to admit to self or others is our buried, stuffed way down, doubt and fear, sadness and other emotions. So we pretend we have it all together and we are above it all. 

In reality, those feelings we work so hard to keep hidden, do show up and they usually appear in ways we don't like. They tend to show up as impatience, jealousy, rage, extreme control and through the need to shame and blame someone else for what we feel. 

All feelings are a gift waiting to be opened and acknowledged, so once we see it, we can begin to embrace it as the opportunity it is, which is a chance to love our Self in our entirety. A chance to embrace what we considered  unembraceable and to give it warmth and acceptance. When we get to this place, life is easier because we no longer have to wrestle with our unacceptable feelings. We can just acknowledge them and be at peace.

In doing this I have gotten very clear that the feeling of loneliness is not to be confused with the reality of aloneness. They are nothing alike, in fact they are not even related. I can be alone and not lonely and I can be in a crowd and be lonely. I like being alone. I actually covet quiet and solitude. Loneliness is different in that it is about separation and includes the expression of longing. For me, this translates to the longing to return to my true self, to the entirety of who I am. I believe many of us long for wholeness, for authenticity, for the ease of being who we are, without having to pretend to be who we think we are supposed to be. 

Christmas is near and in the spirit of giving I have made a conscious decision to continue to give myself to myself. This is a gift no one can give me, it has to come from within. Self-acceptance, self-kindness and transformation is our birthright and is there for the taking.

This holiday season, I hope we all make a decision to give ourselves the greatest gift of all, which is Self-love and acceptance.  May your holidays be truly happy and filled with peace and love.

A FEW THINGS I HAVE LEARNED

 

One of the good things about living as long as I have, is being able to sit and take notice of what I have learned over the years. I am 82 and still learning, and still growing and unfolding into who I came here to be. It has been quite a journey, and to me, one of the best parts of the journey, is seeing life through new eyes. As I continue to stay open to life and to change, I find myself having more and more ah-ha moments.

One morning this week, as I sat on my newly screened in back porch,  I had an awareness of how life has changed for me. A lot of the change has been on the inside, but there has been great change on the outside also.  I see things happening in the world that I  never dreamed I would ever see or hear. Some of it I can handle, a lot of it I find myself tolerating. What many today call "progress", I call hogwash, and wish I could wave a wand and make it disappear. I tolerate receiving an electronic message on a special occasion instead of a hand-written card; seeing the health care system turn into a medical industry; watching untold numbers of pharmaceutical commercials on every TV show, watching families out for a meal sit around the table and instead of talking, each has a phone in their hand, and worst of all, calling a business and having to jump through hoops to talk to a live person. 

But, I digress. It is easy to get on my soap box about our "modern" world, but this piece is about lessons learned in my life. I have been journaling about 3 of my greatest, life changing lessons so far. They are: 1)learning it is okay to say no, 2)it is okay to cry whenever I feel the need, and 3) I don't have to do anything to be okay.

SAYING NO

It has taken years for me to learn to say no. Because I was such a people pleaser, and so in need of approval and acceptance, I said yes often, even when I wanted to say no. As a result, I overextended myself to the point of overwhelm, I did things I did not want to do, and I sold myself short over and over. As my self-worth grew, and I began to know and appreciate myself on a deep level, I found myself developing and using the gift of saying no. The more I grew to the place of genuinely liking and appreciating myself, the less it mattered if others felt the same. I still want to be liked and accepted, I just am no longer needing to sell myself short in order to be approved. 

CRYING

In therapy, I learned that until we give ourselves the gift of tears, it is hard for us to let others cry. If we can't cry, another person crying can feel threatening. Letting them have their tears, may topple my deeply held fear and belief that it is unacceptable to cry.

Crying is a gift from creator. Shedding tears is so freeing and so cathartic for the soul. I had a hard time crying because I was taught as a child that crying was bad; it was not allowed. When I cried I was often told to stop crying or my grandpa would give me something to cry about. When I would feel very sad I would go into my bedroom and cry alone into my pillow. Crying was a sign of weakness and it signaled something was wrong and that was not allowed. 

I am grateful for my first therapist who gave me permission to cry and who showed me the importance of crying when I was sad, instead of laughing the sadness away. I am so aware of others who have not yet given themselves the gift of tears. They are the ones who try to make you laugh when you are sad. There are not many who can sit with someone who is sad and just hold them and let them have their sadness.

I also, unashamedly, cry when happy, which I have found can be annoying to others. It seems it doesn't matter if the tears are happy tears or sad tears, some people just can't allow others to cry. I am just the opposite in that I hold people close and encourage their tears, when I see or hear sadness in their voice.  Crying is good, shedding tears is healthy,.

I AM OKAY

It took me a long time to get to the point of knowing I am okay, just because I am. I always thought I had to be doing something, or behaving in a certain way, in order to be okay. I seriously did not know I was okay. No one ever suggested in any way, that I could just relax and not try so hard to feel like I fit in, or that I mattered in this big world. Thanks to my therapist who was the first to help me understand and know my worth.

As I look back on my journey, I can clearly see how creator energy, in her love and benevolence, saw my hunger and thirst for something real and, gently, step by step, helped me find the path that would take me home to myself. The closer I get to home, to my core, to my unchanging spirit, the clearer I see who I am and why I am here. 

_______________________________________________________________________________

A big part of self-care is learning to say no, giving self permission to cry, when needed, and knowing you are okay. No one should have to work for approval or acceptance, no one should feel they have to say yes when everything within is crying no, and no one should have to stuff their tears because they think it is not okay to cry.

We all matter.

We are all important.

We all have emotions.

Therefore, I need to say to all who are reading these words: You are loved! You are here for a purpose! Your life matters! 

So, go ahead! Give yourself a few gifts today! Cry like there is no tomorrow! Let the tears flow. Say no to something or somebody you need to, and want to, say no to. Then give yourself permission to sit back, do nothing except take a few deep breaths, and remind yourself that who you are is okay. 

THE POT DRIPS WHAT IS IN IT

 "The pot leaks what is in it" is an excerpt from one of the poems by Rumi, who happens to be one of my favorite poets. Every time I read these words, something happens in my soul. It's like someone reaches inside and touches me softly and gently and I respond by softening and listening.  What these particular words mean to me is: we manifest what is inherently ours. 

When we are filled with love, we leak love. When we are filled with kindness and tenderness, we leak these virtues.  It comes through our pores. When filled with anger and rage, we leak these feelings onto the world and its inhabitants.

Since we leak whatever we are filled with, it makes sense to me that a desire to be an authentic being is a rational and exceptional desire.  Authenticity does not pretend to love, it is knowing we are love. When we are filled with kindness, we do not have to think about doing acts of kindness, we automatically manifest kindness to all. It is part of the authentic soul.

When we "are filled with something", we can walk into a room and we drip that something without saying a word or doing anything. I know people who actually ooze kindness. When around them I can feel it dripping from their pores. Whether they speak or not I get the benefit of their kindness. I have a granddaughter and a great-granddaughter who both ooze sweetness and kindness.. I tell them often that it oozes out of their pores. When in the presence of Ali and Ceda, I literally feel their sweetness and kindness.. 

MY GRANDDAUGHTER, SWEET ALI

Contrast that with one who harbors anger and rage. What they drip is cruelty, harsh judgment of others, acts of violence and chaos. I have often walked into a room and felt the tension and anger coursing through the air like an electrical current. That is anger dripping from the pot. Others can feel it. It can be sensed, and it becomes part of the energy that surrounds us. 

We are who we are and we are all love beings. We may not feel that way and our pot may not drip love, because the love that we are may be hidden in the darker regions of our souls. It has not yet made it to the surface where it oozes out of us.  Unhealed childhood wounds and unexpressed feelings and thoughts can create a cloud that covers our love for self and for others. Anger and rage that has been stuffed and turned inward will often sit on top of our love and kindness. It's not that we don't feel loving and kind, it's just that the love sits under the undealt with anger.

However, whether love and kindness is clouded, or hidden beneath the undealt with stuff, we are still beings of love.  Imagine a world filled with people who have realized the fullness of their love and kindness. It oozes out of them and touches all that are near.

Be willing to look within and allow the excavation process to begin. Clear out that which is unlike love so you can drip the essence of who you are, an authentic being of love and light.

You are love! You are light! 

                                                MY SWEET GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER, CEDA

YOU ARE YOU

 “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” ― Dr. Seuss

This is such a simple truth, and yet it is missed by many. My observation of humanity, including myself, is how easily we get caught up in our labels, our roles and our story. As a result, we wind up forgetting who we are, and believing we are something we are not. 

The last seminar I wrote and presented was called YOU ARE YOU. I wrote the program with the desire to help us become aware of who we really are. I see, and hear, so many who identify with what they do, who they know and what they have.

We are each divine creations of consciousness. We are the essence of love, kindness, compassion and genuine mercy. We are so much more than what and who we think we are. 

Because we live in such a busy world, it seems to me we have created a huge disconnection. We may be more connected technologically, but energetically we have moved away from the earth, family values, quiet, soul and spirit. We have moved away from the truth of who we are. We are humans and we are each part of a huge, human family. 

In the busyness, we get caught up in living and surviving the demands of the accelerated changes taking place. In order to survive the insanity and onslaught of the world, and all it entails, we have to take the time to remember who we are, so we can stand firmly in that truth. 

The media is constantly telling us what to believe, how to look, what to wear, what drugs to take, and what to eat and drink. They even attempt to define what success looks like. Have you noticed the focus is mostly about what is outside of us, the externals of life, as opposed to who you are and is your life congruent with your words and actions. What really matters?  That your clothes match or that your soul is at peace? 

It feels like we are using our energy to form the world around us instead of making peace with the world inside us. 

I want you to know that you are not your body, your life story, the role you play, the labels you carry, who your ego says you are, or your personality.  Because someone says you are something, does not mean you are. Because you believe something to be true, does not necessarily mean it is true. Because someone said you would never amount to anything, does not make it true. You may have been called stupid, dumb, crazy, rebellious, silly, a know it all, or a jerk. No matter what you have been called or what light you have been cast in, I hope you will remember this simple truth. YOU ARE YOU.

Think on this for a while. This is the essence of who you are:

Energy, love, joy, peace, magnificence, starseed material, part of all that is, alive, connected to all, beautiful, light, consciousness, awareness, the face of god/goddess/allah/all there is, multi-sensory, an evolving soul, powerful beyond your wildest imagination and a spirit in human form. 

Meditate on the above for a while. Take each of these descriptions into your heart by reminding yourself that  this is the essence of who you are.  Say a sentence out loud, that begins with I AM, and insert each of the words above into your sentence. I am energy. I am love, etc. 

To return to knowing who you are requires courage, commitment, self-love and remembering. 

We are all worthwhile humans and we all deserve to have a life filled with light, love, joy and peace. Even when we are at our worse, we are still worthy of love and fulfillment. Returning to our authentic self is a gradual unfolding, an act of grace and self-love. It does not happen in a day or a moment, just as our loss of self did not happen in a day or a moment. 

You matter! You are here for a purpose! Be all of who you are! Be authentically you!💖💖

HABITS

 

We all have habits. Some of our habits are good and some not so good. We are creatures of habit and experience has taught me that it is much easier to hang on to the familiar (habit), than to change what I am used to doing or thinking. 

Maxwell Maltz, the author of Psycho Cybernetics, says that the first step in changing a habit is repetition. He theorizes that it takes twenty-one times of doing something different for it to become a new habit. I wish I had a dollar for every time I have moved a chair in my house, and continue to go to the old location where the chair used to sit. The same could be said of moving anything to a different location. Because of habit, we all continue to look for things where they have always been. We train our brain to do the familiar. 

Stepping out of the familiar is not an easy task. Changing a habit can be something simple like brushing my teeth after every meal instead of twice a day. Or rearranging my pots and pans. As difficult as changing these types of habits can be, I do believe the harder habits to change are those that have a psychological benefit. Like having a cigarette when nervous, or taking a pill when anxious or upset, having a drink or smoking weed when tired and have a need to relax, or throwing something when angry. There are so many psychological habits we all have, that we have developed along the way as a means of coping with life's ups and downs.

Our habits become such a way of life for us, we often are not even aware of how habitual our behaviors, thoughts and attitudes are. We get stuck in the familiar. We know the familiar, we are used to it, it's the way we've always done it. 

I am not saying anyone needs to change anything in their life. I am simply pointing out that it may be wise and beneficial to sometimes stop and take a look at how we do life. 

An example of what I am talking about is this: I began to notice how easy it was for me to practice self-aggression. In case you are wondering, self-aggression is doing harm to one self either physically or emotionally. Physical self-aggression might be hurting yourself to get attention. Self mutilation is one form of physical self-aggression. I have known many young people who cut themselves as a means of alleviating mental suffering. Emotional self-aggression is deprecating one self, putting yourself down, inability to receive a compliment, the need to be perfect and to be seen as perfect by others.

When I was much younger I used to practice physical self-aggression. As I have aged, I have pretty much given up on this type of aggression. However, I notice how natural it is for me to aggress against myself emotionally. I have a critical parent who lives in my head and when I listen to it, I tend to put myself down, I am technically challenged, I lack the credential to be a good writer so I spend a lot of time second guessing myself , and/or I get angry with myself for not knowing how to do so many things that I would like to do. This is familiar behavior to me because I have done it for so many years. The up side is that I am aware of it and I am working on changing those habits. 

I have a lot of good habits also, such as my ability to listen to others with my ears and my heart. That is a habit that is familiar to me now, but it wasn't always so. For years, I was a seminar and workshop leader, a teacher and a public speaker, so I always thought I had so much to say. As a result,  I developed the habit of running a monologue in duet. What that means is while someone is talking to you, instead of listening, you are in your head forming your answers, or your rebuttal, to what they are saying. I believe I thought it was extremely important that I get to say what I needed and wanted to say. Maybe that's because at that time in my life, I thought I knew a lot. I have learned over the years, as I have been emptied out, that I don't know a heck of a lot more than I do know. Having that ah-ha moment is what led me to change my habit of not listening.  

Life is good and works in our favor, which means when we pay attention to our behaviors, thoughts and attitudes, and spot habits that are detrimental to us and to others, we can change them. Life does work with us when we commit to change. 

Thankfully, nothing has to be forever. Not even a habit!!

LISTENING

 "When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen, not talk or do-just hear me."   On Listening by Ralph Roughton

I do believe listening is a skill many do not have. We are taught to read and write. We are taught how to pronounce words and speak correctly. But, there are few classes on how to listen.

When I owned my management consulting firm, I used to write and present seminars and workshops. One of the favorites for me to present, and for the participants, was "Communication." It seemed to be an eye-opener for many to come to the understanding that they lacked the skill of listening. 

Some listening statistics:

Approximately 55% of our total communication time is spent listening.
On the average, Americans listen at an effective rate of only 25% and our immediate recall of the average brief message is 50%.
Within 48 hours we tend to forget 25% of what we heard
85% of what we know we learn by listening.

Listening is the total process of understanding the meaning conveyed by another. Therefore, to really hear what someone is saying we need to commit more than our sense of hearing to the process. We need to listen with our eyes watching for facial expressions, body language and gestures. We also need to listen with our heart so we can hear what's not being said.

We stop listening, or just don't listen, for many reasons. When I was a child and I was being lectured to, I'd hear what was being said with my ears, but the message went in one ear and out the other. The reason I didn't listen was because of the trigger words that were being used. 

Most of us. whether we are children or adults, respond negatively and stop listening when we hear the phrases: you should, you shouldn't, you always or you never. These are words that make most of us go deaf because we immediately have our anger or shame issues triggered by the words or phrases. 

Have you ever been trying to tell someone how you feel about something and wind up being hollered at, or put down by the other person? Have you ever tried expressing your feelings to another and have them tell you not to feel the way you feel? This is what happens when we do not know how to really listen and hear what someone is saying. 

When my husband and I first got serious about each other we made an agreement to communicate fairly and honestly. We agreed we would not use the words should, shouldn't, always or never in our debates or disagreements. Making blanket statements are unfair and almost always end in an argument or a shut down. Besides, what's true for most of us is we don't always, seldom never, and really, how could you possibly know what I should or shouldn't do. 

I believe many relationships fail because of lack of listening, and in many cases, due to lack of knowing how to say what we feel. When our statements to others are criticizing and demeaning, the listener jumps on the defense and cannot hear what is being said. When we are able to speak softly, and without blame, letting the other person know how we feel and what we need, without making them wrong and blaming them for how we feel, we can usually be heard. 

Sharing feelings and needs, and learning to listen to others, are a large part of what makes a relationship healthy and satisfying. It is never too late to start the practice of honing our listening skills. Start today. Put down whatever it is that you are doing and pay attention to others when they speak. Really listen!! Listen with your heart, not just your ears. You may be surprised at what you hear and what you learn when you start to listen. 

WE ALL NEED TO BE HEARD 💖💗💞

BEING A SEEKER AND CHANGING COURSE

When one way of seeing, doing, or thinking about life no longer works to our advantage, it may be wise to change our course. In most cases, there is more than one way to get from here to there. We can get stuck doing something one way and miss or even refuse to change course and try another way.

The old saying, "But we have always done it this way," can cause us to get stuck in how we do life. I believe, in order to change our course in life, it requires us to change our thinking. Because we have always thought one way about something does not mean we cannot think another way.

A lot of what we do or think has been passed on to us by our caretakers and/or by society, religion and authority figures. Because mom, dad, grandma or the Rabbi or priest said something was absolute does not mean you can't question it. 

When I was growing up, a lot of pedagogy was passed on to me, and I  grabbed hold of it and lived my life according to those rules. I did not question what I was taught, because I believed if an authority figure was teaching it, it must be right. I also was taught that it was unacceptable to question what my elders said. 

As I  got older and began to develop my own life, I started questioning a lot of what I was taught, and my life began to change. Life has actually gotten bigger. Asking "who made that rule?" and "Is this really true?" has set me free from many of my self-imposed/inflicted barriers to larger living.

I always adhered to the belief that it was faux pas to wear white after labor day and to have long hair after age 50. I knew, and I thought rightfully so,  blacks had their own section of town, if you were not a catholic you were going to hell, and if you were gay something was wrong with you.  Children were to be seen and not heard, god was a male figure and if my family or church said something was so, it was so. This was how I lived, the road I walked, and the course I was on.

Gratefully, I grew up and learned it was okay to question the rules of my family, the teachings of my elders and the dogma of the church. I learned I had a brain and it was okay, and even good, to be a critical thinker. I could think for myself!!

As my thinking broadened, so did my life. Some of the questions I asked, and the truths I saw as a result, scared me. As I began to change the dance steps I had always done, I soon found myself out of step with those in my life who were not ready to try new dance steps. I understood that it was easier to cling to long held beliefs and not question anything.  Over a short period of time I began to feel like a pariah, even within my own family.

Let me be clear that I did not begin to question the way of life I had been taught, just for the sake of questioning. The questions started because my soul was longing for expansion. I knew, on some level there was more to life and living than what has been passed on to me. It did not matter if everyone around me believed black was white. I was being pushed from within to take a long hard look at it and see if black was really black. (I am not talking about skin color.) What I did not know at the time was that I was destined to be a seeker. 

I remember, once, a long time ago, my brother and I were both visiting our mother at the same time. He came to me in the kitchen one morning, as I was sitting at the table writing. He gave me a piece of paper with a scripture on it. It was something about seeking. He told he he was worried about me because I always seeking and searching. I was instantly aware that in his mind, he believed something was wrong with me, because I was a seeker. I knew there would be no value in arguing for myself or in trying to make him understand where I was. So I just smiled at him and acknowledged he was right. I was a seeker!!

My heart has always been a seeking heart. When I was younger I did not know that because I did not know it was okay to find my own path in life.

I am still a seeker and probably always will be. I embrace that part of myself. I embrace my longing for more-more clarity, more life and a bigger vision. It is who I am. It is a big part of why I am here. I have learned that the clearer my vision and the larger and lighter my life, the more inclusive I have become, the deeper my empathy for others, and my compassion for the suffering I see in the world has grown.

I paid a price for being a questioner, for stepping outside of the box and coloring outside the lines. But, I do not regret any of it, and I continue to question and seek in order to continually broaden my vision. This is me and I honor my walk and my hunger. 

A BUMP IN THE ROAD OF LIFE

Even though, on many occasions, it feels like my life is getting smaller, it is actually expanding, Due to my continued failing health it seems life is smaller. There are fewer things I can do due to shortness of breath and fatigue, and I am relegated to the couch more often than I like. However, when I look with a clear eye and heart,  I can see how what looks like failure on my part, to keep myself healthy, is really just another bump in the road of life. 

For so long, I have struggled against this thing that is happening to my physical body. Thinking I had finally accepted what was happening, I then realized, instead of giving up struggle I was now struggling against the struggle. The struggle seemed wrong, so I fought the struggle. When I think about it, I can see how ludicrous this sounds and how destructive this can be for anyone. 

The truth is, I don't want to give up having a high energy, healthy body that afforded me the opportunity to do a lot of things in life. I could get up and go at the drop of a hat and now I sometimes even struggle with getting up out of a chair and getting dressed. Forget the extra effort of going out the door and going where I want to go and doing what I want to do. I had few physical restrictions, and now I have many. Some days I feel better than others, but overall, I just don't feel good. I don't feel like myself.

I don't like not feeling good. I don't like not being able to go for a walk. Almost everywhere I go now, someone has to drop me off at the door because I am too fatigued to walk what is usually a short distance from the car to the entrance of where I am going. This is not supposed to be the way life goes.

Accepting that my life has turned upside down and inside out has been very hard for me. But, I feel like I can no longer struggle because the more I struggle the smaller the box feels. I have to let it all go and accept life as it is now. What keeps running through my soul is, "this too shall pass." What also runs through me is the thought/belief that this is just another bump in the road of life, and the key to being okay is to let it all be okay. 

I believe life has the ability to expand from misery, to joy and peace, when we give up resistance and take life as it comes. 

 

Acceptance is a huge concept and it entails giving up the need to control life and to control outcomes. After all, my health was not supposed to take a downward turn. I was supposed to always be in good health and feel good. I took care of my body, ate healthy, exercised and thought I would always be full of energy and vitality. How could my body fail me so?

I am having to realize that nothing or no one has failed me, nor have I done something wrong to bring this upon myself. Rather, it is just what is so. Why did I get sick? I don't know. What do I have to do to get better? I don't know. I have no answers. The medical industry has no answers either. All I do have is the willingness to let it all be and to not make any of it wrong, to remember that life happens, and to get out of the way so I don't impede the progression of life.  

Like everything in life, acceptance is an ongoing process. I don't think we accept once and all struggle is gone. My acceptance level is expanding as I continue to be with what is and live life accordingly. I rest more, I have much more down time and I give myself permission to not feel good. I do believe that as I continue to choose acceptance and find a way to consistently embrace the situation, it will all get a little easier. Who knows? One day, I may get over this bump in the road and be able to look back with tenderness and compassion at "what once was."

KINDNESS

 

"What I want is so simple I almost can't say it: elementary kindness."  Barbara Kingsolver

In the past couple of years, kindness has taken on new meaning for me. I have always embraced kindness as an act of doing something nice for someone. But, as life goes on and my insight grows, I am understanding that kindness goes beyond actions. I have come to understand that kindness extends to the realm of being, it goes past the realm of doing.

I see kindness as an attitude that flows from the heart. It is a genuine mixture of care and compassion that extends to all. There is no exclusivity in true kindness. Kindness does not see color, religion, ethnicity, or political belief. 

When kindness roots itself in our heart, we become a kind person. Rumi says, "the pot drips what's in it," and someone filled with kindness, drips kindness. It becomes much more than an act. It is a way of being. 

A kind person notices the suffering of others and holds humanity close within. Upon observing or hearing of someone committing a vicious act or speaking spiteful words, the heart of kindness sees beyond the actions to the pain that has created the meanness and the anguish of another. A heart of kindness feels the suffering of others and knows on a deep level that all the children of the world are our children and we are all one race, the human race. 

When our hearts are filled with kindness, we withhold judgment and look instead to the spirit of the person. No one deserves to be kicked when they are down, or told they need to lay in the bed they made. Sometimes we need to be taught how to make the bed differently by someone who cares enough to reach out and show us how to do it. 

I aspire to a life of kindness and gentleness towards myself, and a spirit of benevolence towards the world and its occupants. I have seen the power of kind words and actions and have witnessed attitudes soften and behavior change in an instant through one act of kindness.

We all need kindness in our lives. Civilizations and relationships rise and fall on kindness. We are born for kindness. To be treated with kindness feels like a gentle rain falling upon a thirsty earth, and I do believe there are many parched souls among us. I wonder what would happen on this planet if we shared a vision of being kind souls who pour gentleness upon the earth and its inhabitants. 

Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth.

what you held in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he too was someone

who journeyed through the night

with plans and the simple breath

that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness

as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow

as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow,

You must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.

then it is only kindness

that makes sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes

and sends you out into the day

to mail letters and purchase bread,

only kindness that raises its head

from the crowd of the world to say

it is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you every where

like a shadow or a friend.

from The Words Under the Words: Selected Poems. Eighth Mountain Press. 1995

THE SOFTENING CHALLENGE

 

If you softened all of your edges would your perceptions change? Would the harsh realities of life change shape and form so you could surrender more quickly? Would it be easier to consent to life and to being present?

What if:

• You softened your shoulders and neck and stopped holding them taut with stress and anxiety?

    You might be more at ease and at peace with yourself

• You softened your heart and remembered to love and accept yourself, warts and all?

    You might give up the need to look better, or different, or be better. You might stop                 judging yourself.

• You softened the edges of your mind and let harsh, sharp judgments about life and yourself slip away?

    You might be more inclusive with all of humanity

• You softened your vision to see the beauty in life, in all the big and little moments?

    You might be more at peace with where you are and with what is

• You softened your senses so you could feel and touch the unimaginable?

    You might see the possibilities before you and therefore live life larger

• You softened your hands so you could give and receive fully and easily?

    You might let go of what you are holding on to for fear of lack. You might also let more         love, friendship, appreciation, fun and life in

•  You softened your palate so you could taste life more fully?    

    You might begin to do the things you have longed to do, but were afraid of

• You softened your fear of being hurt so you would not worry about being vulnerable?

    You might allow yourself to feel more and to show your feelings

I know these are a lot of questions but they are questions that deserve honest answers. I find that we humans have a tendency to hold ourselves in small places. That which is unlike who we are scares us. When someone doesn't fit the mold of what we may have been told in our formative years is acceptable, and what we have been told is unacceptable, we too easily close the door on them. In some cases we seek to annihilate them.

Life is large. There are endless possibilities and often the only thing that keeps us stuck in places we don't like or would rather not be, is ourselves and our old ways of thinking.  Give yourself permission to ask questions of yourself and life. Allow yourself the freedom to reach for the brass ring. 

The ability to have life be what you want it to be, is in your hands.  I hope you go for it!!!

AS THE DOOR CLOSES

 

I have said many times, and have known for years, that I am here to learn and to grow. Planet Earth is my school and life is my teacher. This may be true for all of us, we just are not all aware of it. 

Because I always look at life through the eyes of a hungry student, I look inside life for the ah-ha moments. I have learned that if I stay open and aware, the gift inside the experience will show itself. Well, I had another ah-ha moment this week and once again, I was shown the value of trusting spirit and letting go, knowing everything is as it should be, even when most of my senses are saying "Oh hell no," and I want to struggle with what is.

This week Paul, suddenly lost his job. He called me Wednesday morning to ask me to come pick him up in North Carolina, because he had been let go from the company. Paul has been truck driving for ten years, eight years with this company, and has a clean DMV record. This job kept him on the road from Sunday afternoon to Friday and the only day he could count on being home was Saturday.

For the past three months he has been looking for a local driving job, one where he could be home every day and on weekends. He has put in close to a hundred applications, all online of course, and the only calls he has received has been from over the road companies. 

I had given up hope that he would ever find anything local that paid what he needed to make, and that had good benefits. I had reconciled myself to the thought that he would probably be on the road forever because no local companies were calling him.

On Thursday morning, after losing his job the day before,  he got up, took a shower and grabbed a handful of resumes and copies of his DMV record, and headed for the door. He said he was going to go to a few local companies that hired CDL drivers and leave his resume. 

He arrived at the first company, walked into the office and told them who he was, that he was a local truck driver with over ten years experience and he was looking for a job where he could be home every day. The person in charge looked at his resume, asked him if he could take a drivers test and off they went in the company truck. When they got back to the office he sent Paul for a drug screen and to his have his fingerprints done. When that was done they gave him a packet of employee papers and told him to come home and fill them all in and return them the next day. He was hired. The job pays what he was making and has full benefits. Hallelujah!!

The lesson, the ah-ha moment in this, was when spirit reminded me that I had been told, "when one door closes, another one opens."  I already knew that if the door was closing and I was too afraid to walk out, creator energy would see to it that I left, even if the door had to be slammed shut on me.

That is what happened this week. Paul had been looking for local work, knowing it was time to come home and to leave this company he had been with for years. He wanted a local job but was also hesitant in his heart about leaving the company.  I believe the universe intervened and made him leave so he would be free to job search for something local.

When this happened, I remembered an incident in my life. Back in the 1980's I was in a business partnership with another woman. We owned a management consultant firm and we specialized in working with orthodontic offices. 

After about a year and a half of running our business together, she had a big change in her life. She joined an evangelical church and was gung ho on her new religion. She began to proselytize me and though I told her I was not interested, she continued in her quest to bring me into the fold.  The more I resisted, the more she insisted, and it finally became a struggle. Nothing I did or said was right and we were at odds with each other. I knew I needed to bow out of that partnership and go out on my own, but I was afraid to do that. I did not have the financial means to start my own business, plus I lacked the confidence to go on my own, so I kept trying to work with her, while laying low.

Finally, because I did not have the courage to walk out, she had the locks changed, so when I went to work I could not get in the building. I thought about putting up a fight but something in me knew I needed to walk away, and that another door was going to open. My investment in the business was more knowledge of how to run an orthodontic office, rather than financial. 

About two weeks later my family came to visit and I has a chance to talk to my grandfather. I told him what had happened and that I wanted to open my own consulting business. I had already written a newsletter to send out to introduce my new venture and just needed the capital to buy a national mailing list, a few office machines and a post office permit for bulk mailing. My grandfather offered to give me the money I needed and I was able to move forward with my own venture.

I ran that business for many years and became quite successful as a consultant,  regional and national speaker, seminar leader and trainer.  Eventually I closed the business down because it was time to move on.

In both of these stories, the lesson has been to trust the closed door and let life take us in a new direction. I also learned that I could count on spirit to move me when I needed to move, but refused to do so, due to fear. 

Change is scary, and I am very grateful that even when I have resisted change, it has happened anyway. Creator energy continues to move in mine and Paul's life, as it moves in all of our lives. I think we miss growth and change when we hard-heartedly resist life. It may not always look like it is going in the direction we think it should be going, but I do believe it goes in the direction that is most productive for our growth and healing. 

As the door closes, let it close, and just wait for another door to open.

Perfect Imperfection

We live in a society that prizes perfection. Looking perfect, being perfect and doing things perfectly, is part of what  many strive for. Striving for perfection has many disadvantages. For one thing, when we make perfection our ideal, we tend to spend a lot of time focusing on how to reach that state. We become future oriented, always looking for the next something that will help to correct, or at the least, cover our imperfections.

Perfection means different things to different people. For many, perfection is about how they look, for some it is about what kind of house they live in or what kind of car they drive, and for others it may be about looking like the perfect person with the best family and almost perfect children.  

The word perfection means to be complete, flawless, without defect, faultless and absolute. Really? Do you know any one who fits this description??? 

Since perfection is a lofty goal, and is one that is pretty much unattainable, I say we give up the ideal and embrace the real, which is perfect imperfection, or what I call authentic.

Striving for the unreachable can lead to dissatisfaction with self and others. When life gets messy or uncontrollable, and life is often messy and uncontrollable, those who long for perfection will find themselves in a pickle.

Life is life, and often we find ourselves in places and situations where we would rather not be. Many times we don't look the way we wish we could look, our hair just won't do what it should do, sometimes our children are behaving like brats, our spouses are being jerks, our friends are not understanding enough, our jobs are not going the way we imagined they would, our neighbors are too loud and no matter how hard we try, we can't seem to cover up what we view as imperfection, and therefore wrong. 

Having to have everything look and feel perfect can be a full time job and eventually it will take its toll on our bodies, relationships and mental health. So, what are we to do?

One thing we can do is to understand there will always be the "imperfect", and we are all perfectly imperfect.  Let that sink in and give yourself permission to look and behave imperfectly. 

Something I have come to understand, is that perfection is about covering shame. When we believe something is wrong with us, that we are somehow flawed, we spend a lot of time in an attempt to cover those flaws, and cover our shame about those flaws. I believe the more shame based we are, the more glaring our flaws are to us. 

Unfortunately, when we are focused on perfection, our need for everything to look okay includes those in our lives to whom we are attached. This can include a need to control the behavior and being of our spouses, children, siblings, and even our parents. 

God forbid, someone should see that I am not perfect; that I get angry, I get depressed, I sometimes curse like a sailor and throw the F bomb around. I also tend to cry when I am both happy and sad, my house is not always in order and my furniture does not match. Add to that my imperfect spouse and marriage. Yowza!! My spouse is color blind so he wears green checks with purple stripes, we both have gas so we burp and fart often, and we sometimes wear pajamas all day on Saturday or Sunday. I often want him to be more perfect and more in line with how I want him to be. Sometimes I forget how perfectly imperfect he is, and I have to remind myself how precious he is, and what a beautiful soul I am married to.

When we are looking for the perfect in another person, we often miss who the person is, or we forget who they are, because we are focused on what is not what we consider perfect. Many relationships are ruined due to our need for perfection. 

Needing to be, and even appear to be perfect, is such bullshit and is so exhausting. It is an unreachable goal.

Imagine this!! Applaud yourself for a failed recipe. Instead of apologizing and making yourself wrong for not getting it perfect, acknowledge yourself for doing your best. Instead of cursing yourself for getting lost and being so stupid you could not follow directions, thank yourself for the journey and go on from there. Give yourself a break!!.

Love what you do have. Love yourself as you are and celebrate your perfect imperfections. Quit waiting for it, or you, to get better and more perfect, love it where it is. Allow the perfection of the imperfect to be front and center. Celebrate beautiful/handsome imperfect you.!!

COVERING A CAKE OF SHIT WITH SUGAR

Running through my brain has been the understanding that we can easily turn a blind eye to that which has created, or is creating, suffering in our lives. Trying to cover devastating incidents, or ignoring them by pretending they are not there, is what I call pouring sugar on top of a cake of shit.  If we can adequately cover the cake, we may not have to see it or smell it and we can pretend it is okay.  

No one wants to see or deal with the negative aspects of life. We all would like to live in a Mary Poppins world, where all you have to do is imagine all is well, and it is.. However, that is not how most of life occurs. There are traumas and events that cause immeasurable pain that cannot be avoided. We have both body and brain memory. Though we may forget painful events, put it out of our mind, the memory of how we felt still lingers within. 

Feelings don't just disappear, they resurface over and over again. If, and when, we are not involved in a process of healing those painful memories, we often cover them over when they appear and reappear. It can be too painful to face them so we often either pretend they are not there, or we make excuses for why they happened. 

The reason this has been on my mind is because lately, I keep hearing people talk about traumatic events in their lives, and while they are describing the event they attempt to cover the hurt and anger. Instead of being honest about the feeling attached to the event, they pretend it didn't really matter, or it was okay for some reason or the other. 

I have heard stories from people about how they were hit with either a switch or a belt, or slapped, punched, kicked or pinched, when they were a child. While talking about the trauma, they say they are glad they were whipped, or whatever, because it taught them respect. I feel total amazement when I hear this type of statement and I usually think to myself, "Really? Are you a masochist? Did you find value in being hit? Do you really think there is value in hitting anyone?" Hitting others does not create value in the lives of the one being hit; quite the contrary it creates anger and feelings of worthlessness. No one deserves to be hit, and to try to justify being hit is akin to covering that cake of shit with sugar. No matter how much we say we are glad, the body and the child within knows the difference

I recently had a conversation with a woman who was a victim of physical abuse. She was telling me all the reasons she needed to stay with her abuser. He did not mean it, she made him do it because she kept doing or saying things he told her not to do or say, he just wants her to be the best wife she can be, etc This is hogwash and gaslighting. Another, a victim of emotional abuse excused her husband's rants against her by saying he really was a good man, he did not hit her and he only raged and called her names when he drank too much. No one deserves to be talked to or treated in such a manner that makes them feel less than. To attempt to excuse such behavior is covering a cake of shit with sugar. 

Relationships, whether parent and child, spousal or friends, function best when there is mutual respect. We all deserve respect and kindness. No matter what we do or say, whether a child or adult, we never are asking for abuse. 

Whenever pain or anger shows up in our life, it is best to look it in the eye and deal with it. We cannot heal what we cannot feel so running away from the feelings will not make them go away. Sugar coating the ugly and smelly does not make it disappear; it only shows up again and again, like an adamant child who is demanding your attention.

I have lived a long time and have experienced more than my share of traumatic events. Often, the hurt and worthlessness presents itself to me in the form of a memory, and when it does, I let it in. It is okay to let the pain be pain, the ugly be ugly and the shit be shit. No need to excuse it or cover it over with a nice thought. Just let it be and let it heal!!

 

CAUGHT IN A SHIFT STORM

 

Here I am again, writing about sadness and loss. I really want this blog to be full of joy and love of life and a lot of hallelujahs. However, life does not always move in the direction I want, nor does it always turn out the way I want it to.

I know I have a bucket full of joy within and a deep love of life and for life. I just don't always live from that space. Lately, life has been more about upheaval, shifting and change.  I still love life and I am grateful for the life that I have been given, but being real and authentic means I have to acknowledge it does not always feel good.

I feel like I am caught in a shift storm, where the winds are fiercely blowing, my life is crazily shifting,  and life as I knew it is passing away. I have always been a high energy person who loved to work in the yard, bake and cook from scratch, prepare good meals, keep my house clean and orderly and still have energy left over to do fun things with family and friends. I have never been a couch potato. I have always been an early to bed and early to rise person. I felt like I did things with gusto.

Well, that life, or I should say, that version of myself, is passing away. My get up and go has gotten up and gone, and I am basically tired and breathless for most of my waking moments. I seldom bake homemade treats any longer, I clean my house out of necessity and I do yard work in short sprints. 

My body is failing me physically and I have no answers for why this is happening, therefore I have no solutions. At my latest ER visit, I did have pulmonary edema added to the list of what is no longer working properly, so now I am taking lasix to attempt to keep the fluid out of my lungs. According to all the tests that have been done, my heart function is good, there is no blockage and my lung functions are okay. So, now what? Perhaps one day I will find an answer and someone will be able to help me find a solution, And, maybe not. Maybe this is my new norm and I need to find a place of comfort in it.

Add to that, people I love, who have been present in my life, are moving away. My granddaughter and her dog have been living with me and Paul for nine months. I got used to her presence and we enjoyed many moments together. She has moved back to New Orleans so she could be with her mother. My son, who lived in Northern Virginia, but still worked in Fredericksburg, used to spend two to three nights a week here with me. He and his wife built a new home close to Fredericksburg so he will no longer be coming here to spend the night. I am very happy for both of them, and knew this was coming, but it still hit me square in the face all at the same time. And for the first time in seventeen years of living with my husband he is now, all of a sudden, having physical issues in his body. 

This all feels like a great big shift storm and I feel like I am caught in a whirlwind.  I find myself in a place of sadness for the losses I am feeling, discomfort for the not knowing what is happening to me and my husband physically, and fatigue over it all. This is unchartered territory.

So, this morning, while contemplating my life, I was reminded of the first chapter in the book "Illusions" by Richard Bach, I have read this book many times, and the first chapter has always been my favorite part of the story.  However, this morning, it took on new meaning for me as I went back and read it again.

Basically, it tells the story of a village of creatures who live at the bottom of a great crystal river. As the current of the river swept over them, each creature clung tightly to the twigs and rocks at the river bottom, clinging to their way of life and resisting the current.

One day one of the creatures said, "I am tired of clinging.  Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I will die of boredom."

All the other creatures laughed and called him a fool, but he heeded them not, and taking a breath he let go. At once he was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.  Yet, in time, as he refused to cling to what was, the current lifted him free from the bottom and he was bruised and hurt no more. 

After reading this again this morning, and meditating on it, I made the decision to let go of life as I have known and loved it, in all its familiarity and comfort, and trust the current to carry me to a place of rest. Shifts will always happen, it is part of life, and I understand I can fight it or go with it. I do not know what is in store for me or for Paul, but I have a feeling going with the current is easier than clinging to that which has been familiar territory, and that which has felt good, but is quickly passing away.

My intention is to embrace and to open up to whatever is part of the shift. Who knows? Better may be in store.