SO LONG 2025-HELLO 2026

 

SO LONG 2025, HELLO 2026

2025 is on its way out and I am shedding no tears as it walks out the door and into the past. The year was both good and not so good. In numerology, the year 2025 was a 9 year which means it carried the energy of endings, completions, and undoing. I gladly say goodbye to this year. 2026, which is a 1 year carries the energy of new beginnings, a starting point. I am looking forward to this year to see where the journey will take me, my loved ones, friends and my country. 

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Because I do believe every upset is a set up, and the treasure is often hidden in the dark,  I have been able to make it through the year with faith and hope still alive in my being. When life seems to be going south, I have a tendency, after I rebound from the hit, to look for the treasure hidden in the experience.  It seems I have done quite a bit of treasure hunting this year.

I experienced my share of days, and even weeks of feeling emptied out this year. I have not written or posted on this blog since March, 2025. I wanted to write but felt empty of words, thoughts, insights or imaginations. For a while, I really tried to manufacture something, but finally gave in to the inner knowing  that I needed to leave it alone and let it be.  This was hard for me because as a writer, I need to write. However, when there are no words, writing is impossible. I actually have had moments of thinking perhaps my love of writing and creating were at an end and I would never write again. 

I have been here before so I was familiar with the call to step aside and quit trying. When I gave up my resistance to going back into the emptiness and the no-thingness, I felt better and rested in the stage of life I found myself in.

Emptiness not only hit me in the area of writing, it also hit hard in my physical well being. Long haul covid continued to take its toll on me and added to that was degenerative disc disease in my C4-6. I suffered a lot and after months of pain management, I decided to see an orthopedic surgeon. In October I had an anterior discectomy and fusion. The recovery process of almost three months really hit me hard and there were times when I doubted I would ever feel good again. Once again, I finally gave up my resistance to feeling bad and went with the flow. I am now in physical therapy to regain my range of motion in my neck and to strengthen my neck, arms and back muscles.

The uptick in cruelty and just plain ugliness  from the top down in our country has thrown me for a loop. For a while, I felt like I had lost my balance and saw no hope for the saving of our democracy. However, as I gave up that struggle and decided to be an active participant in standing and marching for what my heart longs for, I began to see some light. Seeing the massive peaceful protests taking place on a daily basis in every corner of the country has filled me with hope.  I now believe the people can make a difference.

Through all of this, I have once again found the fullness that is present in the emptiness. There is no empty space. What looks and feels like it is empty, is really full. If nothing else, the emptiness is full of emptiness, and that is okay. I have continued to learn through experience that if I quit resisting what is, I can live in continued contentment and peace. 

If it feels empty, embrace it....let it be. If it feels like all creative energy has gone away, embrace it...let it be. If it feels like I will never regain my physical health and well being, embrace it....let it be.

Emptiness, aloneness, lack of motivation, doubt, the carrying out of cruelty to other humans and/or life forms used to worry me and cause me a lot of angst. Thankfully, I am learning to just let it be. Sometimes I cry my way through whatever is going on, other times I just sit with the sickness I feel inside over where life is taking me and over what is happening in my body, my country and the world.

My intentions, as we move into new 2026 energy, are to live life to the fullest, to continue to be aware of resistance to life and to give it up, to love myself unconditionally and to walk in light, love and kindness. 

Happy 2026!! May your journey through the year be light, bright, joyful and peaceful. 

HABITS

 

We all have habits. Some of our habits are good and some not so good. We are creatures of habit and experience has taught me that it is much easier to hang on to the familiar (habit), than to change what I am used to doing or thinking. 

Maxwell Maltz, the author of Psycho Cybernetics, says that the first step in changing a habit is repetition. He theorizes that it takes twenty-one times of doing something different for it to become a new habit. I wish I had a dollar for every time I have moved a chair in my house, and continue to go to the old location where the chair used to sit. The same could be said of moving anything to a different location. Because of habit, we all continue to look for things where they have always been. We train our brain to do the familiar. 

Stepping out of the familiar is not an easy task. Changing a habit can be something simple like brushing my teeth after every meal instead of twice a day. Or rearranging my pots and pans. As difficult as changing these types of habits can be, I do believe the harder habits to change are those that have a psychological benefit. Like having a cigarette when nervous, or taking a pill when anxious or upset, having a drink or smoking weed when tired and have a need to relax, or throwing something when angry. There are so many psychological habits we all have, that we have developed along the way as a means of coping with life's ups and downs.

Our habits become such a way of life for us, we often are not even aware of how habitual our behaviors, thoughts and attitudes are. We get stuck in the familiar. We know the familiar, we are used to it, it's the way we've always done it. 

I am not saying anyone needs to change anything in their life. I am simply pointing out that it may be wise and beneficial to sometimes stop and take a look at how we do life. 

An example of what I am talking about is this: I began to notice how easy it was for me to practice self-aggression. In case you are wondering, self-aggression is doing harm to one self either physically or emotionally. Physical self-aggression might be hurting yourself to get attention. Self mutilation is one form of physical self-aggression. I have known many young people who cut themselves as a means of alleviating mental suffering. Emotional self-aggression is deprecating one self, putting yourself down, inability to receive a compliment, the need to be perfect and to be seen as perfect by others.

When I was much younger I used to practice physical self-aggression. As I have aged, I have pretty much given up on this type of aggression. However, I notice how natural it is for me to aggress against myself emotionally. I have a critical parent who lives in my head and when I listen to it, I tend to put myself down, I am technically challenged, I lack the credential to be a good writer so I spend a lot of time second guessing myself , and/or I get angry with myself for not knowing how to do so many things that I would like to do. This is familiar behavior to me because I have done it for so many years. The up side is that I am aware of it and I am working on changing those habits. 

I have a lot of good habits also, such as my ability to listen to others with my ears and my heart. That is a habit that is familiar to me now, but it wasn't always so. For years, I was a seminar and workshop leader, a teacher and a public speaker, so I always thought I had so much to say. As a result,  I developed the habit of running a monologue in duet. What that means is while someone is talking to you, instead of listening, you are in your head forming your answers, or your rebuttal, to what they are saying. I believe I thought it was extremely important that I get to say what I needed and wanted to say. Maybe that's because at that time in my life, I thought I knew a lot. I have learned over the years, as I have been emptied out, that I don't know a heck of a lot more than I do know. Having that ah-ha moment is what led me to change my habit of not listening.  

Life is good and works in our favor, which means when we pay attention to our behaviors, thoughts and attitudes, and spot habits that are detrimental to us and to others, we can change them. Life does work with us when we commit to change. 

Thankfully, nothing has to be forever. Not even a habit!!

A BUMP IN THE ROAD OF LIFE

Even though, on many occasions, it feels like my life is getting smaller, it is actually expanding, Due to my continued failing health it seems life is smaller. There are fewer things I can do due to shortness of breath and fatigue, and I am relegated to the couch more often than I like. However, when I look with a clear eye and heart,  I can see how what looks like failure on my part, to keep myself healthy, is really just another bump in the road of life. 

For so long, I have struggled against this thing that is happening to my physical body. Thinking I had finally accepted what was happening, I then realized, instead of giving up struggle I was now struggling against the struggle. The struggle seemed wrong, so I fought the struggle. When I think about it, I can see how ludicrous this sounds and how destructive this can be for anyone. 

The truth is, I don't want to give up having a high energy, healthy body that afforded me the opportunity to do a lot of things in life. I could get up and go at the drop of a hat and now I sometimes even struggle with getting up out of a chair and getting dressed. Forget the extra effort of going out the door and going where I want to go and doing what I want to do. I had few physical restrictions, and now I have many. Some days I feel better than others, but overall, I just don't feel good. I don't feel like myself.

I don't like not feeling good. I don't like not being able to go for a walk. Almost everywhere I go now, someone has to drop me off at the door because I am too fatigued to walk what is usually a short distance from the car to the entrance of where I am going. This is not supposed to be the way life goes.

Accepting that my life has turned upside down and inside out has been very hard for me. But, I feel like I can no longer struggle because the more I struggle the smaller the box feels. I have to let it all go and accept life as it is now. What keeps running through my soul is, "this too shall pass." What also runs through me is the thought/belief that this is just another bump in the road of life, and the key to being okay is to let it all be okay. 

I believe life has the ability to expand from misery, to joy and peace, when we give up resistance and take life as it comes. 

 

Acceptance is a huge concept and it entails giving up the need to control life and to control outcomes. After all, my health was not supposed to take a downward turn. I was supposed to always be in good health and feel good. I took care of my body, ate healthy, exercised and thought I would always be full of energy and vitality. How could my body fail me so?

I am having to realize that nothing or no one has failed me, nor have I done something wrong to bring this upon myself. Rather, it is just what is so. Why did I get sick? I don't know. What do I have to do to get better? I don't know. I have no answers. The medical industry has no answers either. All I do have is the willingness to let it all be and to not make any of it wrong, to remember that life happens, and to get out of the way so I don't impede the progression of life.  

Like everything in life, acceptance is an ongoing process. I don't think we accept once and all struggle is gone. My acceptance level is expanding as I continue to be with what is and live life accordingly. I rest more, I have much more down time and I give myself permission to not feel good. I do believe that as I continue to choose acceptance and find a way to consistently embrace the situation, it will all get a little easier. Who knows? One day, I may get over this bump in the road and be able to look back with tenderness and compassion at "what once was."

CAUGHT IN A SHIFT STORM

 

Here I am again, writing about sadness and loss. I really want this blog to be full of joy and love of life and a lot of hallelujahs. However, life does not always move in the direction I want, nor does it always turn out the way I want it to.

I know I have a bucket full of joy within and a deep love of life and for life. I just don't always live from that space. Lately, life has been more about upheaval, shifting and change.  I still love life and I am grateful for the life that I have been given, but being real and authentic means I have to acknowledge it does not always feel good.

I feel like I am caught in a shift storm, where the winds are fiercely blowing, my life is crazily shifting,  and life as I knew it is passing away. I have always been a high energy person who loved to work in the yard, bake and cook from scratch, prepare good meals, keep my house clean and orderly and still have energy left over to do fun things with family and friends. I have never been a couch potato. I have always been an early to bed and early to rise person. I felt like I did things with gusto.

Well, that life, or I should say, that version of myself, is passing away. My get up and go has gotten up and gone, and I am basically tired and breathless for most of my waking moments. I seldom bake homemade treats any longer, I clean my house out of necessity and I do yard work in short sprints. 

My body is failing me physically and I have no answers for why this is happening, therefore I have no solutions. At my latest ER visit, I did have pulmonary edema added to the list of what is no longer working properly, so now I am taking lasix to attempt to keep the fluid out of my lungs. According to all the tests that have been done, my heart function is good, there is no blockage and my lung functions are okay. So, now what? Perhaps one day I will find an answer and someone will be able to help me find a solution, And, maybe not. Maybe this is my new norm and I need to find a place of comfort in it.

Add to that, people I love, who have been present in my life, are moving away. My granddaughter and her dog have been living with me and Paul for nine months. I got used to her presence and we enjoyed many moments together. She has moved back to New Orleans so she could be with her mother. My son, who lived in Northern Virginia, but still worked in Fredericksburg, used to spend two to three nights a week here with me. He and his wife built a new home close to Fredericksburg so he will no longer be coming here to spend the night. I am very happy for both of them, and knew this was coming, but it still hit me square in the face all at the same time. And for the first time in seventeen years of living with my husband he is now, all of a sudden, having physical issues in his body. 

This all feels like a great big shift storm and I feel like I am caught in a whirlwind.  I find myself in a place of sadness for the losses I am feeling, discomfort for the not knowing what is happening to me and my husband physically, and fatigue over it all. This is unchartered territory.

So, this morning, while contemplating my life, I was reminded of the first chapter in the book "Illusions" by Richard Bach, I have read this book many times, and the first chapter has always been my favorite part of the story.  However, this morning, it took on new meaning for me as I went back and read it again.

Basically, it tells the story of a village of creatures who live at the bottom of a great crystal river. As the current of the river swept over them, each creature clung tightly to the twigs and rocks at the river bottom, clinging to their way of life and resisting the current.

One day one of the creatures said, "I am tired of clinging.  Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I will die of boredom."

All the other creatures laughed and called him a fool, but he heeded them not, and taking a breath he let go. At once he was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.  Yet, in time, as he refused to cling to what was, the current lifted him free from the bottom and he was bruised and hurt no more. 

After reading this again this morning, and meditating on it, I made the decision to let go of life as I have known and loved it, in all its familiarity and comfort, and trust the current to carry me to a place of rest. Shifts will always happen, it is part of life, and I understand I can fight it or go with it. I do not know what is in store for me or for Paul, but I have a feeling going with the current is easier than clinging to that which has been familiar territory, and that which has felt good, but is quickly passing away.

My intention is to embrace and to open up to whatever is part of the shift. Who knows? Better may be in store. 

YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER

I think we probably all know the old adage, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."  We not only all know the saying, but we more than likely have experienced what it feels like to be standing at the edge of the water, willing the horse to drink, asking the horse to drink, and it simply is not interested in water at that moment in time. It can be very frustrating to be in either position.

If the horse is not thirsty and it is being cajoled and maybe even pushed into the water, it can stand its ground and simply refuse to drink. And the one who has led the horse to the water, because he/she believes the horse needs to drink, can only stand there and eventually give up. 

In every day life, we may often take people by the hand and bring them to the water, because we have such a longing for them to drink what we believe is needed. Maybe, it is needed by the individual, but they may have no knowledge or desire for that water.

What do we do? Do we 1) not take them to the water, 2) force the water into their mouth and hold their nose until they swallow, 3) get angry with them because they refuse what we so willingly offer or 4) respect their decision to not drink?

The simple truth is we cannot make others partake of what we think is good for them or what they need. Basically, we really do not know what others need. We can guess, we can hypothesize, we can pontificate, but in the end, unless we can see into someone's inner being, we do not know what they need.

I wish I had a dollar for every time some well meaning person attempted to enlighten me as to what I needed. Sometimes I didn't even know what I needed. It is not easy to always know what we need, and when we do know, it is a blessing.

So, what do we do when we have those in our life who seem to be floundering?  How do we reach them and get them to drink the crystal clear water we have to offer them? Perhaps the answer is to not try to make them drink. Instead, to meet them where they are in love and kindness. I believe we can encourage others to get help, to make a change, to take a positive step forward by introducing them to the water, without making them feel wrong for not wanting a drink. 

It is tough because most of us want people to be who we think they should be. We want them to believe what we think they need to believe. Unfortunately, in our desire to change others, we run the risk of ruining the relationship. It is easier for all, if we can give up our need to change others and instead, let them walk their path.

Looking back on my life, I can see how much easier life would have been if I had listened to others and followed the path they wanted me to follow. However, being the rebel I was, I did not bend to others beliefs about what they thought I needed. I probably would have saved myself a lot of heartache and stress and strife, but you know what? The day came, and continues to come, when I saw the water and knew I needed to drink. My path in life eventually led me to my healing path and I put my foot on this path, not because someone told me I needed to, or force fed me clean water, but because I was ready to do this. 

I still believe the teacher appears when the student is ready, and if the teacher shows up early, the student may not learn the lesson in front of them. We each have a path in life, and we are each charged with finding and walking that path. 

For a long time I believed unless someone was on a soul healing journey, they had not found their path. However, I am coming to understand that since our paths differ, perhaps everyone is not here to walk a healing path, or perhaps I am wrong to assign meaning to what a healing path looks like. Because your path does not look like mine, does not necessarily mean you are not on a healing journey. 

I think it comes down to trusting the benevolent creator energy that is swirling around us and in us, to bring us to where we need to be. So, next time you bring a horse to water and it refuses to drink, let it be and love  it where it is. 

IT'S AN INSIDE JOB - LEAVING THE VICTIM ROLE BEHIND

 IT'S AN INSIDE JOB - LEAVING THE VICTIM ROLE BEHIND

Most of what I write about is what I already know, and/or what I am continuing to learn on an almost daily basis .One thing I recognized a long time ago is that I am here to learn, and that Planet Earth is my school and life is my lesson.

The desire of my heart has been, and continues to be, to complete my journey home to my authentic self. This means I have to stay awake and aware and remember to look within for my answers to those things that create angst and frustration in my life.

I spent the first part of my life looking outside of myself, blaming other people and circumstances for life not being the way I wanted it to be. As I have said before, it is so easy to look at others and blame them for what and how we feel at any given moment. If only she, he or it would change!! 

When we blame others we are actively playing the role of the victim. Someone is doing something, or not doing something, to mess up my idyllic life and to make me angry. She chews too loud and that aggravates me, he won't pick up his clothes and that makes me angry, she spends too much money and it pisses me off and I could go on and on. I am sure you get the picture. 

We can continue to go on like this for the rest of our life, being victimized and sighing heavily, if we so choose. Or we can decide/choose to do something different. 

I was a victim when I was a child because I had no choices and I did not know what I know now. Glory be, that as I matured I became aware of the all the possibilities for bringing healing to my life.

Learning to go within is a tremendous healing tool. It can heal our childhood wounds, thereby healing our relationships with self and others. When we quit looking at others as the source of our discomfort and start to look within, life changes as healing occurs. 

Something important to know about going within is to understand that the purpose of love is to bring up everything unlike itself for the purpose of healing. I know this to be true. We are relational beings, our wounding happened in relationships with others and healing occurs in relationships. If you really want to see the wounds you carry within, get into a loving relationship and given enough time, they will definitely show up.

Relationships are challenging. When they are new, they are fun. He is prince charming and she is a dream come true. There may be things about the other person that are not perfect, but in the early stage of a relationship, which is a stage of living in euphoria, we overlook stuff. Maybe he'll change, maybe she will lose weight, maybe he will speak softer, maybe she will learn to cook, etc., etc., ,etc. 

This is so not only in love relationships but in new jobs, a new baby, a new home and almost anything that is new and is a dream come true. We all go through the honeymoon stage in relationship to anything and anyone.

However, once the euphoria wears off and we start seeing more clearly, is when we tend to start nitpicking and blaming it or them for our unhappiness or irritation. We thought the job would be great, but we find out the boss is impossible. We thought moving to the country was the best thing possible, but we are miles from everything. We thought he/she was the one we were waiting for, but we find out she snores at least half the night, he won't take out the trash, she is self-centered and lazy, and he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything exciting. .Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  

It has taken time for me to remember that in order to live in peace and joy and to have loving relationships, I need to go within for the answers to why I am being activated by others. We all have triggers or activation points; those things that bring our anger, rage or sadness to the surface.  And I know it is easier to blame others for why I am being triggered, but it also is a sure way to kill the relationship with him/her or it.

 As I continue to practice looking within and being honest with myself, the more peaceful I have become in myself and in my relationships. Learning to live in peace and contentment is an inside job. By the way, another beautiful thing that happens when we open the door to our soul is we get to see how truly amazing we are!! YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT AND YOU MATTER...

More on Resistance and Surrender

 

I recently wrote about surrender and had no intention of writing about it again. However, life has a different intention for me because I often find myself in situations where I am being called upon to make a choice. Do I surrender or do I resist.  

Before I get to writing more about surrender, I want to focus on the opposite of surrender, which is to resist.  The word resist means to set back, to oppose actively, to ward off.  Please know this: resistance does create anger and anger can create resistance.

For most of us, our first instinct, when something is not going the way we want it to go, is to resist.  It is so easy to get angry about life and others and to build a case for the anger. However, when we choose the anger that resistance creates, we inadvertently bring distress to our sensitive nervous systems. Doing this to our self actually creates a storm of inner violence and is very stressful to our bodies and our psyches. 

Resisting is an attempt to control and one of the biggest fear mechanisms we all possess is "control."  If we can control, or attempt to control, we ward off having to face unpleasant feelings, especially fear.  Control is a powerful offshoot of fear. We fear that which is different, so we attempt to control it. We may fear anger so we attempt to control our own and others expression of anger. We may fear sadness and tears so we attempt to control all expression of sadness. We may fear feeling shame or embarrassment so we attempt to control anything and anyone whose behavior may elicit shame within. 

We can fool ourselves into thinking we are strong when we are "in control" but this is not necessarily so. Real strength comes in being able to let go. Due to the experience of learning to let go, especially when it comes to others and their choices in life, I find myself experiencing a deeper sense of inner peace and a heightened sense of gratitude. I have found that the deepest peace and contentment I have ever felt came from surrender to what is. 

I am not saying surrender is easy, because often it is not. But it is the way of the peaceful warrior. I can fight against or I can stand for in gratitude and self care,

There are some things I can change, and when I can, I do. I am aware that most of what I can change has to do with me and not others behaviors, attitudes or choices. I can choose to cut down on how much chocolate I eat or how many martinis I have. I can hold my tongue and check myself before I say something mean or inappropriate. These are all within my control and to change them does not interrupt the smooth functioning of my nervous system or cause harm to myself. 

As humans living in this world we will always be faced with choices in life. It is up to each of us to decide whether we want to live a peaceful life or if we want to fight life. For me, I choose peace.