YOU ARE.....

You are......Worthy, lovable, deserving of peace and awesome.

No matter what you do, what your job is, how much you own, how big or small your house is, how much or how little money you have, or what kind of car you drive. No matter what!! You are a worthwhile human who matters. How do I know this? Because we are all created by the creator in the image of the creator. We are all spirit beings in a human body, here on planet earth, having a human experience. We tend to forget our inherent self-worth when we get entangled in the lower reaches of our humanity and forget we are living, breathing souls walking around in a human body.

I lived for years out of a deep sense of unworthiness and shame. I knew all the things I had done and said, as a human, over the years. I said many unkind things to many people, I reacted often in anger and self-righteousness, I did things that were unbecoming and I reacted too many times in ugliness. I self-aggressed through giving others control of my body so I could have a few minutes of acceptance, through eating unhealthy foods and burning the candle at both ends. I put myself in harms way by acting stupidly with no thought of what the outcome might be.

I didn't do it all, but I did a lot. And I did it all with no realization that I was self-aggressing, and definitely no idea at all that underneath all the indignities and harm I put myself through, there was a worthwhile being living in my body. I did not know that I deserved to be nurtured, treated kindly and loved for who I was.

It was the early 1980's when I consciously realized something was missing. I had already left organized religion and was flirting with new age beliefs. I had completed the est training and was slowly waking up to life, spirituality and myself.  I was on a journey of self-realization and did not know it at the time. I longed for authenticity and somehow knew in order to be authentic, I would have to find out who I really was underneath all the crap I lived out of and believed to be true. I wanted to reach a higher level of consciousness because somehow I knew there was more to life than what I knew and believed. I put my foot on the path to uncovering myself, healing my childhood wounds and finding my self-worth.

I have been on this path for forty-three years and am still uncovering pieces of myself that were tucked away deep within my being.  I have learned first hand how we tuck away and deeply cover over the parts of us that others say, by word or deed, are unlovable and unacceptable parts. I am talking about those parts like: you are lazy, stupid, dumb, ugly, fat, skinny, a slut or a Romeo, too short or too tall, not like your brother, sister or cousin, or too much like your mom, dad or other family member, you can't do anything right, your nose is too big, you are mean, etc. I hope you get the drift. 

I want to be clear that words and deeds that affect our sense of self-worth are not always spoken in anger. Most parents do love their children and have no intention of harming their child. However, most parents also have a deep (usually unspoken and often unacknowledged) desire for the child to be a certain way. This is where the problem comes in. Unavailable, or unwilling to face their own pain, they live with unhealed childhood wounds and act out of their own wounding. It is just what we do, without meaning to destroy a child's self-worth, and cause the child to think something is flawed within. As children, we usually bend to the status quo because that is how we get the approval we need from our caretakers. 

And, so the cycle continues. Deeply wounded people with low self worth create more deeply wounded people with low self worth. I know so many who are trapped in their shame based life who either go within and are too afraid to use their voice, and they become silent.  Or they become hooked on control as a way of believing they are always right.  That way they can pretend they have good self worth. I leaned more towards the latter, but was silent a lot also for fear of saying something that would make someone not like me. It really is a vicious cycle, but thankfully its a cycle that can be broken. 

The best part of my healing journey,  and the most painful part, has been and still is, going within and identifying my core issues so I can bring them to light. This is called shadow work. This is where I am seeing my true self and giving myself permission to be who I am, forgiving myself and loving myself as I am, with all of my flaws. I am learning to allow myself to be perfectly imperfect.

I am now at a place where I can acknowledge anger, shame, anxiety, fear, brokenness, sadness or any of the "negative" emotions we humans usually do not want to be associated with. I am learning that whatever I feel is okay. It is just what I feel and to make some feelings good and some bad is part of the low self worth cycle. Because we may have been taught that something is wrong with us if we feel a certain way does not mean it is true. I have been taught many things in life by well meaning people that I have found out are not true. When we can give self permission to feel whatever we feel without making self wrong, we can be real. 

As I have said before, "The more I know, the more I know how much I don't know. But, what I do know, I know." And, this is something I know: underneath our angst, doubt, fear and worry lies a deep vein of love, peace and joy. It is there, often buried under the stories we tell ourselves about life. Be willing to mine for the gold, mine for the diamonds. What we all long for is already here,  stuffed under the buried, but still there, parts we consider unacceptable.

Know this:

You are.... a worthwhile human, a lovable soul, you deserve to be at peace within. You deserve to know and honor your worth. You are loved, loving and lovable.

YOU MATTER GREATLY!!

ABANDONMENT

 I know what abandonment looks like and feels like because I am one of the estimated 98% of people in the world who have experienced being abandoned. 

Over the years, I have learned that abandonment is far deeper than being physically left. Many believe that having two parents in the home precluded abandonment. However, that is not true. We can be raised by parents who are present for everything and still have abandonment issues. 

Children suffer abandonment and develop abandonment issues when they are not seen or heard for who they are, not respected or honored, called names, made to feel stupid or insufficient, shamed for one reason or another, not loved for who they are, have their thoughts and ideas trivialized, treated like they are in the way, and/or told they are a pain in the ass and they are driving the caretaker crazy. Anything that makes a child feel they are not enough or something is wrong with them, creates the pain of abandonment. 

Due to being physically abandoned by my daddy, and being raised by adults who were loving, but emotionally unavailable, I grew up with huge abandonment issues. My family loved me and they meant well, but in their inability to see me for who I was, they failed to understand my pain and loneliness. Most parents have an idea of who and what their child is supposed to be, and when the child cannot conform to that ideal, the child is usually made wrong. In the process of making the child wrong for being their own unique self, the pain of not being accepted usually transforms into the internal belief that something must be wrong with the child. This is what happened to me. I developed the internal belief that I was flawed, something had to be wrong with me since I could not be more like my brother, since my daddy left me and since I could not seem to measure up to what I was "supposed" to be. 

Doing what only a child could do, thinking my mother, grandmother and grandfather had to be right since they were the adults and the parents, I developed the belief that something was wrong with me. I spent umpteen years living out that story. After many therapy sessions and years of working on healing my inner child, I came to a place where I was able to step out of the story.

Unfortunately, our story about who we are informs our life. It is like we are being led around with a ring in our nose and we can't pull away from it for fear of having our nose ripped open. That is how huge an impact our story about self has on our life.

As I began to peel the layers away and become acquainted with my abandonment issues, my life began to change in both small and large ways.  My story about who I was began to change as I realized I was not flawed and I was not lazy, nor was I a pain in the ass. Instead, I became aware of how loving and kind I was. I learned that who I am is who I am supposed to be. I gradually saw my good traits and I began to accept myself exactly as I was and where I was. As these changes were happening on the inside, I was changing on the outside. Where I used to be afraid to say "no" or to be confrontational, I found it became easier to say "no" and to stand up for myself. I no longer felt the need to deny being who I am in order to be accepted or pleasing to others. 

A big part of having abandonment issues is the issue of self-abandonment. The abandonment of self is an insidious disease that eats away at the core of life. It hides itself well until we are ready to see it for what it is. 

Self-abandonment manifests itself in personal attacks on self, in what I call mind games, such as: an overactive mind with no shutoff valve, constant worry, driving self crazy trying to figure things out, listening to the criticizing parent in our head, self-doubt, calling self names like stupid, failure etc. not forgiving self for mistakes and driving self to do everything better, to be better, to be perfect.

We also practice self-abandonment through inattention to our body and its needs, such as: eating a lot of unhealthy food, not resting when tired, carrying unnecessary stress and shallow breathing.

Self-abandonment manifests in our need to focus more on the outer instead of the inner, such as: trying to look better on the outside thinking that is how to get approval, constantly buying more stuff, being five sensory instead of multi-sensory.

When we are ready to face our abandonment issues and see ourselves for who we truly are we begin the process of  remembering how magnificent we were, how we believed we could do anything, we could sing off key at the top of our voice and we could dance without rhythm in front of a crowd. It feels so good to remember how beautiful we were and how present to life we were before we were shamed for not being enough or for not being who "they" thought we should be. 

Coming home is the journey to that which was left behind when the abandonment issues began. It is a reclaiming of our authentic self, that one we came here to be. All it takes to make the journey is a willing, courageous heart and the desire to reconnect to our magnificent self. 

A FEW THINGS I HAVE LEARNED

 

One of the good things about living as long as I have, is being able to sit and take notice of what I have learned over the years. I am 82 and still learning, and still growing and unfolding into who I came here to be. It has been quite a journey, and to me, one of the best parts of the journey, is seeing life through new eyes. As I continue to stay open to life and to change, I find myself having more and more ah-ha moments.

One morning this week, as I sat on my newly screened in back porch,  I had an awareness of how life has changed for me. A lot of the change has been on the inside, but there has been great change on the outside also.  I see things happening in the world that I  never dreamed I would ever see or hear. Some of it I can handle, a lot of it I find myself tolerating. What many today call "progress", I call hogwash, and wish I could wave a wand and make it disappear. I tolerate receiving an electronic message on a special occasion instead of a hand-written card; seeing the health care system turn into a medical industry; watching untold numbers of pharmaceutical commercials on every TV show, watching families out for a meal sit around the table and instead of talking, each has a phone in their hand, and worst of all, calling a business and having to jump through hoops to talk to a live person. 

But, I digress. It is easy to get on my soap box about our "modern" world, but this piece is about lessons learned in my life. I have been journaling about 3 of my greatest, life changing lessons so far. They are: 1)learning it is okay to say no, 2)it is okay to cry whenever I feel the need, and 3) I don't have to do anything to be okay.

SAYING NO

It has taken years for me to learn to say no. Because I was such a people pleaser, and so in need of approval and acceptance, I said yes often, even when I wanted to say no. As a result, I overextended myself to the point of overwhelm, I did things I did not want to do, and I sold myself short over and over. As my self-worth grew, and I began to know and appreciate myself on a deep level, I found myself developing and using the gift of saying no. The more I grew to the place of genuinely liking and appreciating myself, the less it mattered if others felt the same. I still want to be liked and accepted, I just am no longer needing to sell myself short in order to be approved. 

CRYING

In therapy, I learned that until we give ourselves the gift of tears, it is hard for us to let others cry. If we can't cry, another person crying can feel threatening. Letting them have their tears, may topple my deeply held fear and belief that it is unacceptable to cry.

Crying is a gift from creator. Shedding tears is so freeing and so cathartic for the soul. I had a hard time crying because I was taught as a child that crying was bad; it was not allowed. When I cried I was often told to stop crying or my grandpa would give me something to cry about. When I would feel very sad I would go into my bedroom and cry alone into my pillow. Crying was a sign of weakness and it signaled something was wrong and that was not allowed. 

I am grateful for my first therapist who gave me permission to cry and who showed me the importance of crying when I was sad, instead of laughing the sadness away. I am so aware of others who have not yet given themselves the gift of tears. They are the ones who try to make you laugh when you are sad. There are not many who can sit with someone who is sad and just hold them and let them have their sadness.

I also, unashamedly, cry when happy, which I have found can be annoying to others. It seems it doesn't matter if the tears are happy tears or sad tears, some people just can't allow others to cry. I am just the opposite in that I hold people close and encourage their tears, when I see or hear sadness in their voice.  Crying is good, shedding tears is healthy,.

I AM OKAY

It took me a long time to get to the point of knowing I am okay, just because I am. I always thought I had to be doing something, or behaving in a certain way, in order to be okay. I seriously did not know I was okay. No one ever suggested in any way, that I could just relax and not try so hard to feel like I fit in, or that I mattered in this big world. Thanks to my therapist who was the first to help me understand and know my worth.

As I look back on my journey, I can clearly see how creator energy, in her love and benevolence, saw my hunger and thirst for something real and, gently, step by step, helped me find the path that would take me home to myself. The closer I get to home, to my core, to my unchanging spirit, the clearer I see who I am and why I am here. 

_______________________________________________________________________________

A big part of self-care is learning to say no, giving self permission to cry, when needed, and knowing you are okay. No one should have to work for approval or acceptance, no one should feel they have to say yes when everything within is crying no, and no one should have to stuff their tears because they think it is not okay to cry.

We all matter.

We are all important.

We all have emotions.

Therefore, I need to say to all who are reading these words: You are loved! You are here for a purpose! Your life matters! 

So, go ahead! Give yourself a few gifts today! Cry like there is no tomorrow! Let the tears flow. Say no to something or somebody you need to, and want to, say no to. Then give yourself permission to sit back, do nothing except take a few deep breaths, and remind yourself that who you are is okay. 

OUR STORIES

 

This is a continuation of my blog from last week, "Missing for a While and Yet I Rise."

 As I was coming out of the dark place I had been in, I noticed my longing for clarity. I wanted some insight into what was going on in my life. I knew I was in a place that was pregnant with healing possibilities; I just did not know how to see, hear or receive what was there for the taking. The darkness was so thick it was hard to see the light.

 One of the physical ailments I had been enduring for quite some time, was having a very stiff, painful neck.  As it began to dawn on me how much I was suffering with my neck, I had an ah-ha moment.  I realized I was being stiff necked about something. I was resisting seeing or knowing something that was in front of me.  What was it?

Finally, the answers started to come. As my sister friends began to ask me, "why didn't you tell me what was going on with you?", I began to see something. What I saw was, when I am in deep emotional and/or physical pain, I have a problem with reaching out to others.  However, if you reach in to me, I will and can respond. So, while I was sitting in pain and darkness and not reaching out to others, I was living in the story of, "nobody cares", "I don't matter" and "I am not important."

This story stems from childhood where I learned to take my emotional pain to my bedroom and cry into my pillow. Or, I learned to stifle it and hold back the tears in fear of being told, "if you don't stop that crying I will give you something to cry about."

When I was a child and I was in pain, I really believed no one cared. I do not remember being held or nurtured when I was suffering. Of course, when I fell off my bike and injured myself, my wounds were taken care of, but my soul wounds were ignored. No one in my family knew what to do for a child who was suffering deep emotional wounding. So, I knew better than to reach out to anyone because that was not allowed. Besides, I did not know how to put words to the sorrow and grief I carried over having my daddy ripped out of my life, and then being told he did not care about me.

I have learned over the years, since I put my foot on this soul healing journey, that our stories rule and inform our lives. As we grow in age, and maybe maturity, we do not just drop our stories. These stories are embedded in our brain, cells, muscles, bones and entire being. We live our stories. 

Our stories are formed according to how we perceive our experiences.  If we are ignored, our story might be that we do not matter, or no one cares. If we are abused physically, mentally or sexually, our story might be that we have no value or worth. If we are not as important as a brother or sister, our story might be that we are less than, or we can't measure up.  If we are constantly being made to feel no matter what we do it is never right, or never quite good enough, our story might be that we have to do more or be more. The stories we tell ourselves as a child in order to survive and somehow make sense of our experience becomes a way of life for us.

Unless, and until, we pay attention to our life, we may never become aware of which story is running our life. In that case, the same old story continues to play in a loop in the background and our life continues to be informed by it.

We are never too old, and it is never too late, to pay attention to that subconscious message that is running our life. That message that makes us think there is never enough, we have to be in control, we can't ask for what we need, we can't stop and take a breath and we have to earn the right to be here. 

I am very grateful to have been given the insight as to what is going on in my life that has been keeping me stuck in a hard, dark place. I was asking Spirit for an answer, some clarity for healing. One night, towards the middle of February, I woke up startled. I had been in the middle of an important dream and I needed to remember it. 

I got out of bed, came to the kitchen table, opened my journal and began to write about my dream.  Towards the end of writing, I had a flash of insight and immediately saw what Spirit was wanting me to see. 

In my dream there was a little girl who kept following me. I was somewhere out west. I knew she wanted something from me but I kept pushing her away. No matter where I went, she showed up. I was irritated with her cause she would not leave me alone.

My flash of insight showed me that this little girl represented me. She was clamoring for attention. She wanted to be seen and heard. Her need for attention upset me and made me uncomfortable. I wanted her to go away. 

As I sat with this, knowing this was me, I saw that she was showing me that unhealed part of myself that needed to know I mattered, needed to know it was okay to cry and let my pain be known to those around me, even if others cannot acknowledge my sadness and pain. I saw how beautiful, tender and precious I was and how much I mattered. 

Sobbing, I figuratively took that little girl in my arms and told her I was here for her; I saw her and heard her need to know she was important. I also let her know she deserved to be loved, nurtured and cared for, that softness and vulnerability was okay and that I would not abandon her.

Since going through this enlightening process, I feel better in my body and my soul. I know that as I continuously change the tape that is my story, I will continue to heal body, soul and spirit. Healing is happening!!!

OUT WITH 2023-IN WITH 2024

 

2023 was a year of ups and downs, but then, when I think about my life, I see that every year is a year of ups and downs. I think that is life is general.  We all have good times and we have times that are not so good. I believe the gift in this is to learn to be with what is, roll with the punches, and go with the flow. We can fight life, or we can embrace what is and be at peace.

In retrospect, one of the best things to happen in 2023, was Paul getting a job driving locally so he could be home every night. What a difference this has made in our lives. I love knowing when he leaves for work in the morning, he is coming home later in the day. It was a hard time for us when he was on the road and was only home on weekends. We are both grateful for the change in his work life.

The most difficult part of 2023 has been dealing with my constant physical issues, which started in the spring of 2022. I spent part of this year seeing specialists, like a pulmonologist and cardiologist. I had lung function testing done, two CT scans of my lungs, an echogram and a heart cath to check for blockages in my heart. Everything checked out okay, save for a few minor issues, but I was, and still am, short of breath upon the slightest exertion, tired a lot, and usually in a brain fog. I have a few neurological issues and nerve issues in my body, I’ve lost my sense of taste, and I have occasional insomnia. By summer, I realized the medical industry had no answers or diagnosis for me, so I began earnestly the task of advocating for myself. I did mention my deep concern that I had long covid to my specialists and my PCP, however, no one had any response or answers. 

I spent the last six months of 2023 researching long covid, talking to people who have it, joining long covid groups, reading newsletters from long covid clinics and research organizations and paying close attention to my body. Over this year, I have become aware of how prevalent this virus is (long covid) and what others are doing to help with all of the debilitating symptoms.

I put myself into a Carda Care program, which is three times a week pulmonary rehab class. I started on an essential oils program to help with the breathing issues, added NAC (N-acetyl-L cystine, an amino acid) to my daily regimen and recently added Alpha Lipoic acid and Co-Q-10 to the mix. I am seeing slight changes in my body and my symptoms, however I feel like I take one step forward followed by two steps back. Regardless, I continue to read and study the research that is available. All I can do is all I can do, and I still hope I will eventually see the return of my ability to breath easily upon exertion, and gradually have my stamina return.

On a good note, in March I met two new sister friends here in Fredericksburg and they have really added to my joy and to my life. It is nice to have women of like mind to have lunch with and just to hang out with.

In May, my oldest great granddaughter graduated from high school and we made a trip to New Orleans so we could be there to celebrate her and her achievements. When we got home from that trip, my oldest granddaughter, who had been living with us for nine months, left to go home to New Orleans. It was hard to see her go.

I started organizing my second book in September and have been steadily working on it. It will be an anthology for and about women, so I am enjoying reading the stories that have been submitted for inclusion in the book.

In October, Paul and I went to Baltimore to see Queen, which was one of my dreams.  I really enjoy their music and had a Queen concert on my bucket list. Also, in October, we had our second annual women’s gathering at the beach. It was such a treat to spend 3 days with six incredible women.

We had another lovely family Thanksgiving and Christmas and ended the year on a mixture of a high and a low. Paul and I, and other family members, all came down with the flu, and I am still dealing with a bad cough. 

Then, on the 30th we picked up our new fur baby, Wally. He is a seven week old pup and is a one man wrecking ball. Yesterday afternoon, in desperation for a break, I ordered an animal playpen for him, which will be delivered tomorrow. I forgot what it was like to train a two year old child, and this puppy does remind me of an undisciplined, curious, bottomless pit of energy, two year old child. Oyvey!!

So, 2023 was a full year. Life seemed busier, even though I wasn't doing more; in fact, I am doing less. It just seems the days do not last as long, even though, to the best of my knowledge, there are still twenty-four hours in a day. I attribute the quickened passage of time to an increase in the Schumann’s Resonance.

I wish I could say I look forward to 2024, but I really do not. In a perfect world, I would be restored to a place of good physical health, the world would be at peace, or at least the inhabitants of this country would be at peace, and I would not have this innate feeling that I need to buckle up for what is coming.

However, in spite of what it is like out there, I am grateful for my beloved husband, my awesome children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren (and my two nephews), supportive and caring sister friends, and the knowledge that in my core, no matter what is going on out there, all is well within.

I pray the new year will bring you peace and joy along with the knowledge that you matter, and you are loved!!  Out with the old and in with the new!! Happy New Year..  

THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE

The holidays are here, which, for me,  means Christmas is almost here.  I remember saying more than once during the year, that before we know it, Christmas will be here. And here it is!! Around the corner. 

Paul and I do not celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday, so for us it is more about being with family.  I like any holiday that increases the chances of spending time with family.  All but one Christmas in my life has been celebrated with family.  That year, we were having unresolved family issues, and Paul and I spent the day at the Rescue Mission, serving meals to everyone who walked in the door. That was such a memorable experience, though I was sad because I was not with family.

Because I enjoy looking at lights, I love the tradition of having a Christmas tree. I do not look forward to decorating a tree, but I do look forward to sitting by it every night with the lights plugged in. For me, the saving grace of decorating the tree is getting to hold each ornament and reminisce about where the ornament came from. Some of my ornaments were on the tree when I was a little girl. One day, while visiting my mother, my cousin and I went up in her attic. I found an old box from Krauss Department Store (which closed years ago), tied with a half rotted piece of string. In it, were a dozen red ornaments that were on the tree my grandmother used to decorate.  I also found ornaments that were my mothers, plus some old glass candy canes that were hung on the tree. This is part of my fun of celebrating Christmas, going through each ornament one by one.  

I still enjoy the tradition of sending Christmas cards, and I thoroughly enjoy receiving cards.  I feel a certain amount of sadness every year as the cards that come through the mail get less and less. I think there is something special about sitting down every December and writing personal notes in a Christmas card. But then, I still send birthday cards, get well cards, thinking of you cards and cards for almost any occasion you can think of. I appreciate personal greetings and to me, an electronic card or an email is not the same. 

Paul and I usually spend Christmas Eve night at Mac and Robyn's house.  On Christmas morning, we all gather around the tree with coffee and bloody mary's, or mimosas, and start the long process of opening gifts.  After about 2-3 hours of oohs and aahs, we have a bite to eat, get dressed, load the car, and head to Robyn's mom and dad's house, where we spend the day. 

One thing I really miss on Christmas is not having all of my children with me. I still hold out hope that one year we will be able to have a family gathering for the Christmas holiday. That would include my children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. That would be a dream come true!!

No matter which holiday you might be celebrating, I wish every one of you, my readers, a happy and love-filled holiday season.  May your hearts be warmed and filled with the gifts of peace, joy, love, gratitude and everlasting kindness.

I pray everyone gets to gather for their holiday celebration with those they love. 

Happy Holidays to all. 💖💗💕

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

How do you treat yourself? Do you speak soft, encouraging words to yourself, or do you call yourself names and put yourself down? Do you nurture your body and give it what it needs? Do you feed it healthy foods, give it rest when it is tired, water when it is thirsty and warmth and comfort when it is needed? Do you pay attention to your soul needs for quiet, downtime, introspection and lots of love?

It is important to treat ourselves as we want and need to be treated. To be kind and generous to Self. This is part of keeping ourselves in grace as opposed to aggressing against our self. 

As children, many of us were not taught, or even encouraged, to care for Self. We were pushed to do more, to pay attention, and to do as we were told. Get up, make your bed, mow the lawn, clean the kitchen, sweep the garage etc. were familiar messages for many. Sometimes these were commands, sometimes requests, and often said with a sting of reproach if we did not want to do what was expected. There certainly is nothing wrong with a parent teaching a child to be productive; it becomes harmful to the child when the parent says or does things that makes the child feel something is wrong with them if they do not want to do what they are told to do. Often, in the parent's desire to mold the child into a productive person, they fail to see who the child is, or to hear what the child needs. Children's feelings, thoughts and desires can be overlooked, or even ignored, and treated as unimportant, which is detrimental to the development of the child. 

Generally, parents do not intend to hurt their children's psyches. The intention usually is to make the child conform to what it wants the child to be. Unfortunately, often parents do not know who their child is here to be or what the childs' sacred calling is, so they do what they think they are supposed to do if they are a good parent, and that is to mold the child into an image of their definition of success. 

Is it any wonder we grow up conforming to the desires of others?  

I know too many men and women who drive themselves to be more and to do more, while ignoring the cry of their soul to be quiet, rest awhile and come home to their authentic Self. They do this, not because they long to be busy, but because it is how they were taught to be when they were a child.

Our soul calls us home to a place of peace and contentment, but we can't hear the call when we are too busy trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  

Whoever you are, and wherever your are, you deserve to live in love, and to walk in your sacred purpose. Listen to what your body is telling you, Offer yourself big, healthy doses of nurturing and comfort. Wrap your arms around yourself and give YOU a hug. Put your hands on your heart and softly whisper to yourself, "I am here", "I love you", "I see you". 

Stop, and ask yourself, "What do I need in this moment?"  "How do I feel in this moment?" Asking questions can be good, and answering honestly can be enlightening. 

Come home to yourself. You deserve to be seen and heard and to know you matter. You deserve to live large and inhabit your purpose. I know you matter greatly. Do you know how much you matter?

AHNVEE, COSHON AND MY CAJUN UPBRINGING

 

While going through some of my ancestry papers a few days ago, I came across a page of cajun french expressions. I had written these down a few years back when I was making notes of some of the words and phrases I learned as a child. Most of my family spoke French to each other, especially when they did not want the children to know what they were talking about. In fact, my brother and I were the first generation that was not taught to speak French. However, though we weren't schooled in speaking French we did grow up using many of the cajun french words and colloquialisms. 

When we longed or hankered for something, especially food, we had an awn vee (ahnvee).  We did not vacuum or mop, we passed the vacuum or we passed the mop. We also passed a good time. We ate sandwiches with mynez (mayonnaise) on them, we put on our drawz (drawers), and a kitty cat was known as a meenoo. When something tasted good our standard expression was May sha (mai cher) that was some good, yeh. My godmother was my nanan and my godfather was my paran.

People who did not know what we knew were cooyawn (couillon) which means stupid, when something was dirty it was coshawn (coshon) and we ro dah dayed (rodee') which means we ran the streets. We could say anything we wanted about anybody as long as we prefaced our remark with, "Bless her heart." Those who did not understand us were say-bet (ces't bet) which means uneducated. 

We also used the word me in a lot in our sentences. For instance, "I'm going to eat me some crayfish, or "I'm going to buy me some groceries. Our favorite card game was a cajun game called  Bourre', pronounced booray. When we went to bed we were going to make dodo (dough dough). When we beat someone by a lot we pelayed them and when we wanted to get even with someone we put the gree-gree (gris gris) on them. 

Growing up in southeast Louisiana surrounded by Cajun French people, in a Cajun French family, made an impression on me. A big part of my heritage that was passed on to me, and still sticks with me, was the art of celebrating life and family. There was always a large contingency of family gathered at our house and there was usually joke telling, laughter, dancing, cocktails and a lot of food. This obviously made an impression on me because I still love celebrating life and loved ones. There is nothing that is more fun for me than being surrounded by loved ones eating, drinking and enjoying each other. Paul and I love it when family and friends come over and we get out the board games or a deck of cards and play games into the wee hours of the morning. I sometimes worry we will wake the neighbors with our hilarious laughter and loudness.

I am the only one left in the family from the "old guard" and I sometimes get nostalgic for those times when the house rocked with laughter and song, while the youngsters (that would be me) played with our cousins till we were worn out, or till the older generation made us go to bed. Bed for us, at those times, was what we called making a pallet on the floor. The children all slept on the floor so the adults could have the beds.

I call my growing up years, a Cajun way of life, and as I look back on those times I have come to appreciate the area, the people, and the uniqueness of it all. There was a time when I was embarrassed to be Cajun because people called us coon asses, but as I grew up I began to understand and appreciate my heritage. My people's motto for life is "Laizze les bon temps rouler", let the good times roll. Now, that has to be a good thing, don't you think?

SEVEN THINGS I DEEPLY LOVE

 "Sometimes you hear a voice through the door calling you,

As a fish out of water hears the waves...

Come back. Come back.

This turning toward what you deeply love saves you."  Rumi

After reading this for the third time, I asked myself, "What do I deeply love?" What are the things in my life that call to me? Those things, events and people that bring joy and satisfaction to my life. After deep contemplation and looking within, I decided the following are the things I deeply love:

1. I deeply love things of the spirit, like quiet mornings where I can sit still and follow my breath in and out. I practice presence during these times and feel a heightened sense of awareness as I pay attention to the feel of the chair I' m sitting on, the smells in the air, the sounds around me, and the feel of the floor or the ground beneath my feet. I sometimes scan my body to see if there are any areas of dis-ease that I need to pay attention to. I write my feelings and my mettas for the day. Doing this ritual in the morning prepares me for my day and reminds me what is important.

2. I deeply love soft, intimate times with Paul, when we connect on a conscious level. We sit quietly facing each other and share our fears, desires, and concerns. As we really listen to each other with compassion and love we create a bond and a level of in-to-me-see (intimacy) that nourishes our relationship. I also love motorcycle riding with Paul. We both touch pure joy when riding through mountains and forests.

3. I deeply love quiet moments with my sister friends who have chosen the path of healing. Our conversations are honest and personal as we reveal our hurts and joys to each other. During these moments I am lifted to new heights.

4. I deeply love family get-togethers when we all remember to love and respect each other, to lift and support each another and to express tenderness and kindness.

5. I deeply love being in nature, walking through the woods, hugging the trees, sitting by the water, looking at the night sky, being around animals, digging in the dirt planting flowers and vegetables, sitting and laying on the ground, walking barefoot and feeling and closely examining rocks and stones. Anything that allows me to touch and be part of nature calls to me.

6. I deeply love coming home to my authentic Self. I've been absent for years, not knowing who I was or what I needed. The more I reconnect with, and embrace my authentic Self, the more compassion I have to give to others. As I embrace and accept all of me, I notice I want less of what the world offers.

7. I deeply love laughter that comes from the gut. It feels good to laugh so hard I double over, my cheeks and jaw hurt and tears run down my face. I feel cleansed and at peace after a bout of belly laughter. Paul and I have started taping episodes of Seinfeld and Golden Girls. We watch a show or two before we go to bed and laugh a lot. It eases my soul and makes me feel good. 

I invite you to find a quiet place, take a few deep belly breaths, relax your body and ask yourself the questions, "What do I deeply love?" and "What brings me pure joy?" Write your answers so you can refer back to them.

Make time to give yourself the gifts of that which you love to have and to do. I believe turning towards the things we truly love makes a difference in whether we are living fully or partially existing. 

I would love to hear from you. What do you deeply love?

BEING A SEEKER AND CHANGING COURSE

When one way of seeing, doing, or thinking about life no longer works to our advantage, it may be wise to change our course. In most cases, there is more than one way to get from here to there. We can get stuck doing something one way and miss or even refuse to change course and try another way.

The old saying, "But we have always done it this way," can cause us to get stuck in how we do life. I believe, in order to change our course in life, it requires us to change our thinking. Because we have always thought one way about something does not mean we cannot think another way.

A lot of what we do or think has been passed on to us by our caretakers and/or by society, religion and authority figures. Because mom, dad, grandma or the Rabbi or priest said something was absolute does not mean you can't question it. 

When I was growing up, a lot of pedagogy was passed on to me, and I  grabbed hold of it and lived my life according to those rules. I did not question what I was taught, because I believed if an authority figure was teaching it, it must be right. I also was taught that it was unacceptable to question what my elders said. 

As I  got older and began to develop my own life, I started questioning a lot of what I was taught, and my life began to change. Life has actually gotten bigger. Asking "who made that rule?" and "Is this really true?" has set me free from many of my self-imposed/inflicted barriers to larger living.

I always adhered to the belief that it was faux pas to wear white after labor day and to have long hair after age 50. I knew, and I thought rightfully so,  blacks had their own section of town, if you were not a catholic you were going to hell, and if you were gay something was wrong with you.  Children were to be seen and not heard, god was a male figure and if my family or church said something was so, it was so. This was how I lived, the road I walked, and the course I was on.

Gratefully, I grew up and learned it was okay to question the rules of my family, the teachings of my elders and the dogma of the church. I learned I had a brain and it was okay, and even good, to be a critical thinker. I could think for myself!!

As my thinking broadened, so did my life. Some of the questions I asked, and the truths I saw as a result, scared me. As I began to change the dance steps I had always done, I soon found myself out of step with those in my life who were not ready to try new dance steps. I understood that it was easier to cling to long held beliefs and not question anything.  Over a short period of time I began to feel like a pariah, even within my own family.

Let me be clear that I did not begin to question the way of life I had been taught, just for the sake of questioning. The questions started because my soul was longing for expansion. I knew, on some level there was more to life and living than what has been passed on to me. It did not matter if everyone around me believed black was white. I was being pushed from within to take a long hard look at it and see if black was really black. (I am not talking about skin color.) What I did not know at the time was that I was destined to be a seeker. 

I remember, once, a long time ago, my brother and I were both visiting our mother at the same time. He came to me in the kitchen one morning, as I was sitting at the table writing. He gave me a piece of paper with a scripture on it. It was something about seeking. He told he he was worried about me because I always seeking and searching. I was instantly aware that in his mind, he believed something was wrong with me, because I was a seeker. I knew there would be no value in arguing for myself or in trying to make him understand where I was. So I just smiled at him and acknowledged he was right. I was a seeker!!

My heart has always been a seeking heart. When I was younger I did not know that because I did not know it was okay to find my own path in life.

I am still a seeker and probably always will be. I embrace that part of myself. I embrace my longing for more-more clarity, more life and a bigger vision. It is who I am. It is a big part of why I am here. I have learned that the clearer my vision and the larger and lighter my life, the more inclusive I have become, the deeper my empathy for others, and my compassion for the suffering I see in the world has grown.

I paid a price for being a questioner, for stepping outside of the box and coloring outside the lines. But, I do not regret any of it, and I continue to question and seek in order to continually broaden my vision. This is me and I honor my walk and my hunger. 

ENFOLDING LIFE AS IT UNFOLDS

To enfold is to wrap up, embrace or surround. 

To unfold is to open and spread out, to reveal, display or unwrap.

Enfolding and unfolding are at opposite ends of the spectrum, since one is about embracing or holding close and the other is about opening and spreading out. 

What I know about life is this. If we are awake and aware, and therefore paying attention, we will notice that life continuously unfolds. Events and circumstances are always giving us the opportunity to see life and ourselves in a new way.  

As who I am, the authentic me, unfolds, I am given the choice to either embrace what I see or make it wrong and deny it. We are always at choice about whether we react negatively or respond positively. 

It is not always easy to accept what I see unfolding before my eyes. However, experience has taught me that when I make the decision to let whatever is there to be what it is, and not fight it or deny it, I grow as a human and my soul experiences a new level of healing. 

As I have given myself over to the healing of my childhood wounds, and the growing of my soul, I have had experience after experience happen in my life, and these experiences have presented the opportunity for me to enfold what was unfolding. Often, I wanted to deny what was before my eyes, but thankfully I found the courage to enfold instead. 

One example of what I am talking about is:

About two years ago, some family members came to spend a couple of weeks here at my house. One of my guests was a teenager. Now, let me tell you, I love this child very much and was glad to have her here. However, as the days went by I found myself reacting to her negatively. I was always angry with her. I got to the point where I could hardly bear being around her and made her wrong for everything she did or said. 

Finally, one morning, sitting out on my patio, while thinking about what was going on with this child, and writing about it, I had a great unfolding. Suddenly, before me was the truth of the situation. I saw myself, when I was her age, in her. I saw her doing the things I did out of my discomfort in being who I was. As a young girl,  I longed to be seen, and to be heard and accepted.  Because I felt unseen, unheard and judged for being who I was, I acted out. I said and did inappropriate things. I saw her doing the same things I had done. But most importantly, what really got to me was realizing the pain she was carrying in her being. 

Recognizing her pain activated the unhealed sorrow and pain that I was carrying from my tumultuous teenage years. Seeing myself in her, enabled me to sit with that pain and let it in. As I sat with in, I had a deep awareness of the choice before me.  I could embrace my suffering child within so I could open the door for healing to happen or I could deny the pain I was carrying and just continue to shut her out and therefore shut out the pain that was swirling around in me.  I knew enough to know that until I allowed myself to embrace/enfold this pain, it would not go away. It would be exacerbated and activated whenever faced with a similar situation, such as what I was experiencing. 

The morning this unfolded before me, this sweet little teenager woke up and told another family member that she knew I did not like her. She cried because she felt I was being mean to her.

The other family member came to me and told me how this child was feeling. I told her, "Oh my gosh. She is right. I am just now seeing this unfold before my eyes and I need to apologize to her and make this right."

I went to the child and told her how sorry I was for being mean to her and for rejecting her. I went on to tell her how my behavior had nothing to do with her because she was just being her sweet self, but it had to do with me. I let her know that because I saw my teenage self in her,  all of that hurt and anger I felt then came back up in me. Because I had not yet healed that part of my life, I could not allow it to be in front of me. It brought up too much hurt that needed to be embraced and held lovingly by me, and I had not been willing to do that, so I rejected her. 

Facing our orphans, the pieces of self that we ignore, deny and reject, do not go away. They only go into hiding for a while, but will resurface again and again. Invariably, someone will say or do something and BAM, that stuff is activated. The result is usually pain or anger or both. Because we are endowed with choice we can either acknowledge/embrace what has been activated, or we can continue to push it back down and not let the light shine on it. 

Thankfully, I was able to enfold that which was unfolding,and she and I were able to reach out to each other. As I shared my insight with her, she was able to hear me  and we held each other and we cried together. It was a healing time for me and for this precious teenage girl. 

It is not easy to enfold the unacceptable parts and memories of our lives, but it is important if we want to lead an authentic life and be at peace. 

ABANDONMENT

I know what abandonment looks like and feels like. I am one of the estimated 98% of people in the world who experienced being abandoned.

Over the years I have learned that abandonment is far deeper than being physically left. Many believe that having two parents in the home precludes abandonment. However that is not true. There are millions of people with abandonment issues who grew up in a two parent home. 

Children suffer abandonment issues when they are not seen or heard, not respected or honored, called names, made to feel or look stupid, shamed for one reason or another, not loved for who they are, have their thoughts and ideas trivialized, treated like they are in the way and told they are a pain in the ass and they are driving the caretaker crazy. Anything that makes a child feel they are not enough, or something is wrong with them, creates the pain of abandonment. 

Due to being physically abandoned by my daddy and being raised by adults who were emotionally unavailable, I grew up with huge abandonment issues. My family loved me and meant well, but in their inability to see what was happening to me, they failed to understand my pain and loneliness. They were unable to see the trauma I was in, so instead of giving me understanding, acceptance and care, I was shamed for my pain and forced to deal with issues a child cannot possibly deal with.

Doing what only a child could do, I created a story that something was wrong with me, that I was somehow flawed. Once we create a story about our experience of life, we live out that story until we come to a place on our path where we are able to identify the story, step out of it, and create a new one that is based on present truth. Our story creates our basic belief about self and life, and from our story we form the practice of self-abandonment. 

Make no mistake: our story informs our life. It is like we are being led around with a ring in our nose and we can't pull away for fear of having our nose ripped open. That's how huge an impact our story has on our life.

Though I have done a lot of processing on my abandonment issues, I now realize those first few years of dealing with this stuff was about peeling the outer layers away. The fear I carried all my life about being abandoned by others or by the world and its systems (job, money, relationships, etc) has greatly dissipated. What I now face is my self-abandonment issues.

Self-abandonment is an insidious disease that eats away at the core of life. It is not only insidious but it is also covert. It hides itself well until we are ready to see it for what it is. Anyone with abandonment issues cannot help but practice self-abandonment. It goes with the territory. It's what we learned. It's what we know.

Some of the ways we abandon self are:

Overactive mind with no shut off valve, constant worry with the inability to let things go, not allowing self to feel or to express emotions, especially sadness, not listening to our body by staying busy and not letting the body rest, shutting out compliments  or turning away help by denying we need it, refusing to be vulnerable, and taking on more than we can handle, adding stress to our life. 

We also contribute to our self abandonment by eating a lot of unhealthy foods.  We focus our attention on looking better on the outside while ignoring our inner needs, we constantly buy more stuff hoping to feel better, we are five sensory instead of multi-sensory and stay stuck in fear of the unknown. 

Self-abandonment comes naturally to us when we have abandonment issues. We do not get up in the morning and decide to abandon self on that day. When we have been abandoned by our primary caretakers, we easily learn to abandon self, UNTIL we take notice and make a conscious choice to begin the journey home to our inner being.

The healing process brings us home to the innocent, beautiful self we are, the one who knew how magnificent we were, the one who believed we could do anything, sing off-key at the top of our voice, dance without rhythm in front of a crowd, the one who knew no fear, the beautiful one who was present in our life before shame for not being enough or for not doing it right rook over. If our caretakers had any shame, we inherited it. 

Going home to our inner core, to that which was left behind, is the ultimate self-care. Are you ready for the journey to reclaim your authentic peaceful being? All it takes is a willing and courageous heart.  

A few suggested practices to assist you on your journey to self discovery:

• Carve out some quiet moments for yourself
• Learn how to breathe deeply from your diaphragm
• Notice how others treat you and speak to you
• Practice kindness towards your self:  rest your body, feed yourself healthy food, spend time in nature, stop any negative self talk, have a good cry, speak your truth, ask for what you want and need, nurture yourself
• If necessary, find a good therapist
• Have someone in your life you can speak your truth to
• Read uplifting books that encourage growth and inner child healing *

You matter and without you the universe would not be the same!!

* Suggested reading:

Alchemy 365: A Self Awareness Workbook by Brenda Lightfeather Marroy

The Seekers Guide by Elizabeth Lesser

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

Any and all books by Sark

PEACE OUT

 

COVERING A CAKE OF SHIT WITH SUGAR

Running through my brain has been the understanding that we can easily turn a blind eye to that which has created, or is creating, suffering in our lives. Trying to cover devastating incidents, or ignoring them by pretending they are not there, is what I call pouring sugar on top of a cake of shit.  If we can adequately cover the cake, we may not have to see it or smell it and we can pretend it is okay.  

No one wants to see or deal with the negative aspects of life. We all would like to live in a Mary Poppins world, where all you have to do is imagine all is well, and it is.. However, that is not how most of life occurs. There are traumas and events that cause immeasurable pain that cannot be avoided. We have both body and brain memory. Though we may forget painful events, put it out of our mind, the memory of how we felt still lingers within. 

Feelings don't just disappear, they resurface over and over again. If, and when, we are not involved in a process of healing those painful memories, we often cover them over when they appear and reappear. It can be too painful to face them so we often either pretend they are not there, or we make excuses for why they happened. 

The reason this has been on my mind is because lately, I keep hearing people talk about traumatic events in their lives, and while they are describing the event they attempt to cover the hurt and anger. Instead of being honest about the feeling attached to the event, they pretend it didn't really matter, or it was okay for some reason or the other. 

I have heard stories from people about how they were hit with either a switch or a belt, or slapped, punched, kicked or pinched, when they were a child. While talking about the trauma, they say they are glad they were whipped, or whatever, because it taught them respect. I feel total amazement when I hear this type of statement and I usually think to myself, "Really? Are you a masochist? Did you find value in being hit? Do you really think there is value in hitting anyone?" Hitting others does not create value in the lives of the one being hit; quite the contrary it creates anger and feelings of worthlessness. No one deserves to be hit, and to try to justify being hit is akin to covering that cake of shit with sugar. No matter how much we say we are glad, the body and the child within knows the difference

I recently had a conversation with a woman who was a victim of physical abuse. She was telling me all the reasons she needed to stay with her abuser. He did not mean it, she made him do it because she kept doing or saying things he told her not to do or say, he just wants her to be the best wife she can be, etc This is hogwash and gaslighting. Another, a victim of emotional abuse excused her husband's rants against her by saying he really was a good man, he did not hit her and he only raged and called her names when he drank too much. No one deserves to be talked to or treated in such a manner that makes them feel less than. To attempt to excuse such behavior is covering a cake of shit with sugar. 

Relationships, whether parent and child, spousal or friends, function best when there is mutual respect. We all deserve respect and kindness. No matter what we do or say, whether a child or adult, we never are asking for abuse. 

Whenever pain or anger shows up in our life, it is best to look it in the eye and deal with it. We cannot heal what we cannot feel so running away from the feelings will not make them go away. Sugar coating the ugly and smelly does not make it disappear; it only shows up again and again, like an adamant child who is demanding your attention.

I have lived a long time and have experienced more than my share of traumatic events. Often, the hurt and worthlessness presents itself to me in the form of a memory, and when it does, I let it in. It is okay to let the pain be pain, the ugly be ugly and the shit be shit. No need to excuse it or cover it over with a nice thought. Just let it be and let it heal!!

 

EXPECTATIONS

At a very early age, I learned the heartache and ensuing disappointment of expectations. I learned not to trust, and to expect to be disappointed.

I still have an issue with expectations and notice how often I expect to be let down, left, or left out. I used to struggle with this, but since I am aware of what is happening, I am learning to let it in, look it square in the face and acknowledge what is going on. Being able to identify what I am feeling, while feeling it, helps me to see the basic belief I carry about life, which is, I do not matter.

In my logical mind, I know that I do matter. I am here for a purpose, and who I am and how I fulfill my purpose definitely matters. But, underneath that knowing, there is still a childhood belief that has not yet been completely healed.

I was disappointed by so many people in my life. I did not have the tools to help me to know, that the disappointment I suffered was not about me, it was about the people in my life who continued to let me down. I also did not know at the time, that if there had been someone in my life to nurture me and help me to understand that I mattered, and that what was happening was not about my being unimportant or less than, I probably would have developed a different mindset about who I was.

One of the worst and most devastating experience of my young life was centered around my daddy. After he left us, when I was around three, I did not see much of him. Every once in a while he came around, but in my mind it was never often enough,. 

I was a little girl who loved her daddy and who longed to have him in my life. It was very important to me to see him so when he called to tell me he was coming, I would get very excited. 

He would usually call on a Friday to tell me he would pick me up on Saturday morning.  I would get up early because I was excited. If he said he would pick me up at 10:00 I would be at the front window looking for him by 9:30.  What usually happened was, when 10:30 came and he still hadn't shown up, I would move to the front porch. By 11:00 I would be out in the front yard watching every car that went by, hoping the next one would be his. Finally, by 12:00 I knew he was not coming.

Unfortunately, this happened often. Yet, each time he called and set a date and time, I would still expect him to show. No matter how many times he disappointed me, I still hoped and expected him to come see me. This went on for years, until I got old enough to understand not to trust what he said. I also grew to believe that if I mattered, he would show up.

During this period of my life, every time this happened, I would wind up going inside and crying. My heart was broken and my self-worth shattered once again. My grandmother, who was well-meaning, but also not well-informed, always reminded me that my daddy did not love me and I needed to stop crying.

Those were difficult times for me and I can still remember how that little girl felt, being let down once again.  Time passed and I grew up, but I still carried the expectation of being disappointed. In relationships, even with girlfriends, I was always waiting to be cast aside and left alone. If I planned to teach a class, and sent out flyers and had a lot of "yes" rsvp's, I usually expected no one to show up. I expected to be left, I expected to be the pariah. 

It took years and a lot of inside work on my healing journey to be able to recognize this pattern that kept showing up in my life. Finally, after recognizing it many times I was able to come to terms with it and to go ahead and open the wound so healing could occur.

I still have an issue with expecting disappointment but I am happy to say, with extreme gratitude, the wound is being healed. 

There is nothing wrong with having expectations, as long as we are not attached to the outcome, and as long as we are aware that shit happens and life does not always turn out the way we expect. 

I have learned that circumstances will always present themselves in my life, and whatever the circumstance, who I am is okay and that I matter. Loving and caring for myself has helped me to turn the corner on this.   I MATTER !! YOU MATTER!!!

I"M TIRED.

 I am tired.  In fact, I feel worn out. I have been dealing with a health issue for about six months now and it is taking its toll.

Sometime last summer, I began to have shortness of breath and extreme fatigue. Walking on an incline was too much and walking across a flat surface carrying something in my arms was beyond too much. I continually found myself having to stop and work to catch a deep breath. 

I went to my cardiologist who looked at all of my tests and records from the year before, when I had a pacemaker put in my chest.  He found nothing to suggest why I was short of breath, so he scheduled me for a nuclear stress test. This was done in November and nothing was found to be out of order there. 

Next, I went to my PCP who ordered blood work. She saw nothing in the test results to say why I was short of breath, so she referred me to a pulmonologist. Meanwhile, the shortness of breath was still ongoing, but some of the fatigue had abated. So, I was feeling better but I still could not exert myself in any matter without losing my breath.

I saw the pulmoologist in February and she ordered pulmonary function tests which were done this past Monday. She is still unsure about why I am having these issues, so in order to rule out certain diagnoses she has ordered a new echogram, a CT scan of my lungs and six weeks of using a nebulizer. I am going along with the program in an effort to regain my ability to have an active life without losing my breath. 

As I am dealing with this, last week my oldest daughter wound up in the ER in New Orleans. She had extreme fatigue, a headache, that on a scale of 1-10, was a 20, very high blood pressure, nausea, and fever. They admitted her to the hospital and did a spinal tap because they thought it might be meningitis or some type of infectious disease.  The tap proved them wrong so they are doing new tests, including MRI's of the brain. They are now looking at something autoimmune. 

She has been in the hospital for a week now, her condition was not improving, and she is sick. My daughter is so near and dear to my heart and the bond between us is strong, so I am not only worried about her health, I am also feeling such a heaviness in my heart knowing my child is suffering.  

So, here I am in Virginia sending emails to the patient advocate center, calling her hepatologist (who is not involved in this case) and talking to the floor nurse who is tending to her.  I have been on speaker phone with  the infectious disease specialist, who is on the case, in an attempt to get some answers, and talking and questioning anyone else in the medical field at that hospital who will listen to me, and no one has any answers. 

I am cried out and I am stressed out. After trying to control and handle the situation from almost a thousand miles away, while dealing with my own health issues, I decided yesterday to step back and let her husband and siblings pick up the ball and run with it. Besides, I don't know where to go next or who else to call and complain to. 

Thankfully, after deciding to give up the struggle, it seems the needle is now moving. I was on speaker phone this morning with her neurologist and finally, it seems they are beginning to get a feel for what has been wrong. It has been a process of elimination. Yesterday they changed her entire medication regimen and the new meds seem to be helping with the pain, high blood pressure and fever. There still is no definitive diagnosis, but her symptoms are improving.

I don't give up or give in easily because my m.o. is to be the one who gets things done. But, sometimes the time is right to surrender. This has been a difficult process with my daughter, and I really am grateful that life and spirit continue to remind me and teach me to trust and to surrender.

This is true for my own health issues also.  Because I am tired as hell, I know in my heart I need to be with the process and surrender to life. 

Thank you for listening to my story of what is going on in my life at this time. This too shall pass and meanwhile, life goes on. . 😍💓