OUR STORIES

 

This is a continuation of my blog from last week, "Missing for a While and Yet I Rise."

 As I was coming out of the dark place I had been in, I noticed my longing for clarity. I wanted some insight into what was going on in my life. I knew I was in a place that was pregnant with healing possibilities; I just did not know how to see, hear or receive what was there for the taking. The darkness was so thick it was hard to see the light.

 One of the physical ailments I had been enduring for quite some time, was having a very stiff, painful neck.  As it began to dawn on me how much I was suffering with my neck, I had an ah-ha moment.  I realized I was being stiff necked about something. I was resisting seeing or knowing something that was in front of me.  What was it?

Finally, the answers started to come. As my sister friends began to ask me, "why didn't you tell me what was going on with you?", I began to see something. What I saw was, when I am in deep emotional and/or physical pain, I have a problem with reaching out to others.  However, if you reach in to me, I will and can respond. So, while I was sitting in pain and darkness and not reaching out to others, I was living in the story of, "nobody cares", "I don't matter" and "I am not important."

This story stems from childhood where I learned to take my emotional pain to my bedroom and cry into my pillow. Or, I learned to stifle it and hold back the tears in fear of being told, "if you don't stop that crying I will give you something to cry about."

When I was a child and I was in pain, I really believed no one cared. I do not remember being held or nurtured when I was suffering. Of course, when I fell off my bike and injured myself, my wounds were taken care of, but my soul wounds were ignored. No one in my family knew what to do for a child who was suffering deep emotional wounding. So, I knew better than to reach out to anyone because that was not allowed. Besides, I did not know how to put words to the sorrow and grief I carried over having my daddy ripped out of my life, and then being told he did not care about me.

I have learned over the years, since I put my foot on this soul healing journey, that our stories rule and inform our lives. As we grow in age, and maybe maturity, we do not just drop our stories. These stories are embedded in our brain, cells, muscles, bones and entire being. We live our stories. 

Our stories are formed according to how we perceive our experiences.  If we are ignored, our story might be that we do not matter, or no one cares. If we are abused physically, mentally or sexually, our story might be that we have no value or worth. If we are not as important as a brother or sister, our story might be that we are less than, or we can't measure up.  If we are constantly being made to feel no matter what we do it is never right, or never quite good enough, our story might be that we have to do more or be more. The stories we tell ourselves as a child in order to survive and somehow make sense of our experience becomes a way of life for us.

Unless, and until, we pay attention to our life, we may never become aware of which story is running our life. In that case, the same old story continues to play in a loop in the background and our life continues to be informed by it.

We are never too old, and it is never too late, to pay attention to that subconscious message that is running our life. That message that makes us think there is never enough, we have to be in control, we can't ask for what we need, we can't stop and take a breath and we have to earn the right to be here. 

I am very grateful to have been given the insight as to what is going on in my life that has been keeping me stuck in a hard, dark place. I was asking Spirit for an answer, some clarity for healing. One night, towards the middle of February, I woke up startled. I had been in the middle of an important dream and I needed to remember it. 

I got out of bed, came to the kitchen table, opened my journal and began to write about my dream.  Towards the end of writing, I had a flash of insight and immediately saw what Spirit was wanting me to see. 

In my dream there was a little girl who kept following me. I was somewhere out west. I knew she wanted something from me but I kept pushing her away. No matter where I went, she showed up. I was irritated with her cause she would not leave me alone.

My flash of insight showed me that this little girl represented me. She was clamoring for attention. She wanted to be seen and heard. Her need for attention upset me and made me uncomfortable. I wanted her to go away. 

As I sat with this, knowing this was me, I saw that she was showing me that unhealed part of myself that needed to know I mattered, needed to know it was okay to cry and let my pain be known to those around me, even if others cannot acknowledge my sadness and pain. I saw how beautiful, tender and precious I was and how much I mattered. 

Sobbing, I figuratively took that little girl in my arms and told her I was here for her; I saw her and heard her need to know she was important. I also let her know she deserved to be loved, nurtured and cared for, that softness and vulnerability was okay and that I would not abandon her.

Since going through this enlightening process, I feel better in my body and my soul. I know that as I continuously change the tape that is my story, I will continue to heal body, soul and spirit. Healing is happening!!!

GRIEF

 

Grief:  1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. 2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow. 3. Informal. trouble; difficulty; annoyance.

For some reason, most of humanity seems to equate grief with something to be avoided at all cost. We want to run from sadness or emotional pain. We want to escape feeling loss or sorrow. 

I do understand that we are a society of "positivity" and think that to feel what is really there is to miss the boat, and to somehow be wrong about life. We want to turn all losses into wins, instead of allowing self to be with the loss and grieve it.

I find myself facing grief often. I feel a sense of loss about life in general and my life in particular. I grieve the loss of life as I knew it and find myself saying all too often, "Please take me back to the 40's and50's when life was so much simpler." 

One of the things I have the most nostalgia about when it comes to the 40's and50's, is that family all lived close by. People were not scattered all over the country and the world. We (my family) and friends, all lived within an hour or so from each other. Most of us could ride our bikes to spend the day with a friend or a cousin. My grandparents were present, we celebrated every holiday, birthday and Sunday together. I don't think I appreciated that when I was younger, but I certainly do appreciate it now. And I have a longing and a sadness within over the fact that I miss my family. I miss my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I miss my cousins. I miss life as I used to know it.

I also grieve the loss of the days when there were winners and losers. Everyone did not have to win. In fact, it was important that we knew how to lose gracefully and how to celebrate ours and others successes.

I miss the days when I had a healthy body and I could do almost anything. I did not realize what a wonderful gift good health is until I lost mine. 

I miss spending Sundays with family. We always had family dinners, including when my children were growing up. Dinner with family was always important cause it was a time to gather around a table and share the bounty of the earth with each other. Family dinners were full of conversation, and I miss that.

I still grieve the loss of my mother and my brother. I knew my mother was going so I was prepared for her death but I was not ready to give up my brother. He and I were the only two left and we had grown to the place of openly sharing our lives and love with each other. I really miss him. 

Feeling loss and emotional sadness is okay. It is much better for us physically, mentally and spiritually to grieve our losses. Tears are good and it is healthy to cry. It is also an act of self-love.

Over the years, I have learned that once I give myself permission to grieve and to cry, I feel so much better. I feel a deep sense of calmness within after I have a good cry. So, go ahead and cry. Let it out, let the catharsis happen. Cry till you are cried out. It is okay to cry with abandon. Wail, if you must. Do whatever you need to do to let go of the grief and sadness. 

Let go of the thought that it is weak to cry; that something is wrong with you if you feel anything other than happiness all the time. Be real!!Be authentic!!