SO LONG 2025-HELLO 2026

 

SO LONG 2025, HELLO 2026

2025 is on its way out and I am shedding no tears as it walks out the door and into the past. The year was both good and not so good. In numerology, the year 2025 was a 9 year which means it carried the energy of endings, completions, and undoing. I gladly say goodbye to this year. 2026, which is a 1 year carries the energy of new beginnings, a starting point. I am looking forward to this year to see where the journey will take me, my loved ones, friends and my country. 

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Because I do believe every upset is a set up, and the treasure is often hidden in the dark,  I have been able to make it through the year with faith and hope still alive in my being. When life seems to be going south, I have a tendency, after I rebound from the hit, to look for the treasure hidden in the experience.  It seems I have done quite a bit of treasure hunting this year.

I experienced my share of days, and even weeks of feeling emptied out this year. I have not written or posted on this blog since March, 2025. I wanted to write but felt empty of words, thoughts, insights or imaginations. For a while, I really tried to manufacture something, but finally gave in to the inner knowing  that I needed to leave it alone and let it be.  This was hard for me because as a writer, I need to write. However, when there are no words, writing is impossible. I actually have had moments of thinking perhaps my love of writing and creating were at an end and I would never write again. 

I have been here before so I was familiar with the call to step aside and quit trying. When I gave up my resistance to going back into the emptiness and the no-thingness, I felt better and rested in the stage of life I found myself in.

Emptiness not only hit me in the area of writing, it also hit hard in my physical well being. Long haul covid continued to take its toll on me and added to that was degenerative disc disease in my C4-6. I suffered a lot and after months of pain management, I decided to see an orthopedic surgeon. In October I had an anterior discectomy and fusion. The recovery process of almost three months really hit me hard and there were times when I doubted I would ever feel good again. Once again, I finally gave up my resistance to feeling bad and went with the flow. I am now in physical therapy to regain my range of motion in my neck and to strengthen my neck, arms and back muscles.

The uptick in cruelty and just plain ugliness  from the top down in our country has thrown me for a loop. For a while, I felt like I had lost my balance and saw no hope for the saving of our democracy. However, as I gave up that struggle and decided to be an active participant in standing and marching for what my heart longs for, I began to see some light. Seeing the massive peaceful protests taking place on a daily basis in every corner of the country has filled me with hope.  I now believe the people can make a difference.

Through all of this, I have once again found the fullness that is present in the emptiness. There is no empty space. What looks and feels like it is empty, is really full. If nothing else, the emptiness is full of emptiness, and that is okay. I have continued to learn through experience that if I quit resisting what is, I can live in continued contentment and peace. 

If it feels empty, embrace it....let it be. If it feels like all creative energy has gone away, embrace it...let it be. If it feels like I will never regain my physical health and well being, embrace it....let it be.

Emptiness, aloneness, lack of motivation, doubt, the carrying out of cruelty to other humans and/or life forms used to worry me and cause me a lot of angst. Thankfully, I am learning to just let it be. Sometimes I cry my way through whatever is going on, other times I just sit with the sickness I feel inside over where life is taking me and over what is happening in my body, my country and the world.

My intentions, as we move into new 2026 energy, are to live life to the fullest, to continue to be aware of resistance to life and to give it up, to love myself unconditionally and to walk in light, love and kindness. 

Happy 2026!! May your journey through the year be light, bright, joyful and peaceful. 

BEING IN THE LIMINAL

Liminal-Transitional area between two places or states, such as between the past and the future or between one destination and another. It can be physical, emotional or psychological.

Being in the liminal is usually being in a place of uncertainty. There is a lot of doubt and not knowing when in this place. It also can be a place of emptiness.

I have been in the liminal quite a few times in my life. I once stayed in the liminal for close to four years. Though filled with discomfort, it turned out to be one of the most enlightening times in my life.

It happened after my first book was published,  I was busy promoting the book and myself as an author. I was writing articles and being published in many magazines. I was busy being my creative self. One day, I began to know in my core that it was time to give it all up and leave behind my identity as an author, as a blogger who had a world-wide following,  and as one who was on a path of success. I really struggled with this and it took a while for me to give in to the call to no/thingness (the liminal) and to walk into the unknown. 

Looking back at that time in my life, I feel intense gratitude for the call of the liminal. It started out as a very difficult place to be. I wanted to promote my book, I wanted to write, but I was empty and quickly realized I had nothing to say. I wanted to fill the space. I wanted to know. I wanted some certainty. What I did not want was the feeling of being hollowed out, a failure and worthless.

My book was not selling, I was not writing and I felt intense feelings of loneliness.

Thankfully, I began to give myself over to just being where I was. I found myself going within more and spending more quiet time alone. I spent a lot of time reading, breathing, walking in nature and just being. It was during that time when I felt the call to volunteer to be a Guardian ad Litem. Working in the court system with abused and neglected children changed my life, and I slowly began to experience a deep healing in my own inner, wounded child. 

If I had not answered the call to not only enter into the liminal, but to learn to live comfortably in it, I would have missed the entire healing experience. I would have been so busy with my life I would never have answered the call for a Guardian ad Litem. Life definitely changed for me, and as I reflect on that time, I am certain my life would not be what it is today.

I learned some deep truths in that quiet, liminal space:

1. The more I know, the more I know how much I do not know.

2. I do not know much, but what I do know, I know.

3. I became conscious of how unconscious I can be.

4. The empty places are really full-they are filled with emptiness, quiet, calm and bliss.

5. I learned to quit focusing on the bright, shiny stars and focus instead on the darkness between the stars. That is where the power lies.

6. I now know it is okay to be no/thing, in fact it is freeing to not have to try to be some/thing.

As I slowly began to come out of the liminal I started writing again. My book began to sell, and nine years later it is still selling worldwide. I am blogging again and I am in the process of completing a second book. 

When I quit fighting the liminal, I lost who I thought I was supposed to be, and found pieces of myself I did not even know I had. I am still meeting myself and becoming intimately acquainted with the real me. That does not mean I have answers, or certainty about anything. The difference is I can be okay in the uncertainty.

To those reading this, I want you to know: YOU MATTER, WHETHER YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF UNCERTAINTY OR NOT!! 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH EMPTINESS OR UNCERTAINTY!! JUST BE WITH IT AND ENJOY THE QUIET. 

YOU ARE LOVED, JUST BECAUSE....FOR NO REASON EXCEPT YOU ARE LOVABLE!!

Self-Acceptance

Due to events happening in my life, I am becoming acutely aware that my two closest companions are sadness and loneliness. In the past few months I have had some life-altering experiences that have changed my perspective on myself and on how and why I react to certain circumstances the way I do. The events did not alter my life externally, but they caused an earthquake within, which is good. As I have practiced taking a step back and looking within for insight into my reactions, I have been blessed with an awareness and an understanding of what I have been carrying within.  This is when I  began to clearly see the depth of my sadness and loneliness. 

For years, or at least since I have been on this remarkable soul- healing journey, I have pathologized these feelings. It felt natural to classify them as wrong and unhealthy, especially in a society that prizes happiness, feeling good and always "being fine." I have found this  to be true, not only in society in general, but especially in religious and spiritual beliefs. Somehow, there is a misguided belief out there that if you are in relationship with creator energy, all is supposed to be hunky-dorey, pie in the sky for you. I call bullcrap on that.

Thankfully, my understanding of the healing journey is evolving and I am aware of how often I label sadness and loneliness as a sign of something being wrong. I viewed these feelings as harbingers of something being askew, as a message that I needed to be fixed or healed or somehow processed so the feelings could morph into something more positive and acceptable to myself and to the society we live in. I have even questioned whether I maybe needed to raise my vibration so I would not have these feelings. By the way, the answer to that question is a big, resounding NO. The correct answer is to accept and embrace what I become aware of. This process is called "becoming an authentic human being."

What a relief it has been to get to the place of understanding feelings only need to be accepted and embraced. There is nothing wrong with sadness or loneliness. It is okay to feel broken, or down or in doubt. It is okay to stay close to the feelings and open to the place within where the sadness and loneliness dwell. When we have these feelings they are not coming to us from someplace outside of self, they are coming up from within. We already own them. 

When we are willing to quit pretending all is well and allow Self to go beneath the feeling, we can own our true Self and let the healing in.

We are all human, therefore, we all are a conglomeration of feelings, thoughts and insights. We also all walk around with our abandoned feelings stuffed away in deep and dark places within. Modern psychology calls this our shadow self. 

God forbid we should admit to anyone, or anyone would see our sadness or loneliness, or fear, or doubt. Most of us want to show the world a "put together" person, someone who is "fine", fit and able. The last thing we want to admit to self or others is our buried, stuffed way down, doubt and fear, sadness and other emotions. So we pretend we have it all together and we are above it all. 

In reality, those feelings we work so hard to keep hidden, do show up and they usually appear in ways we don't like. They tend to show up as impatience, jealousy, rage, extreme control and through the need to shame and blame someone else for what we feel. 

All feelings are a gift waiting to be opened and acknowledged, so once we see it, we can begin to embrace it as the opportunity it is, which is a chance to love our Self in our entirety. A chance to embrace what we considered  unembraceable and to give it warmth and acceptance. When we get to this place, life is easier because we no longer have to wrestle with our unacceptable feelings. We can just acknowledge them and be at peace.

In doing this I have gotten very clear that the feeling of loneliness is not to be confused with the reality of aloneness. They are nothing alike, in fact they are not even related. I can be alone and not lonely and I can be in a crowd and be lonely. I like being alone. I actually covet quiet and solitude. Loneliness is different in that it is about separation and includes the expression of longing. For me, this translates to the longing to return to my true self, to the entirety of who I am. I believe many of us long for wholeness, for authenticity, for the ease of being who we are, without having to pretend to be who we think we are supposed to be. 

Christmas is near and in the spirit of giving I have made a conscious decision to continue to give myself to myself. This is a gift no one can give me, it has to come from within. Self-acceptance, self-kindness and transformation is our birthright and is there for the taking.

This holiday season, I hope we all make a decision to give ourselves the greatest gift of all, which is Self-love and acceptance.  May your holidays be truly happy and filled with peace and love.

JUST BE AND JUST BREATHE

I remember, after having open heart surgery in 2010, I heard a voice within saying, "the only thing required of you is to be and to breathe." Here is the story of how that came to be. 

I did not have a heart attack, in fact I did not even know I had any heart issues. I walked every day and was very active. I was sixty-eight and I felt great.

In 2010, I began to notice a tightness in my throat when I was walking. I went to my PCP thinking maybe I was having indigestion,. She gave me Prilosec to try, and since I was getting ready to fly to New Orleans for a two-week visit with my mother and family, she scheduled a stress test for me when I returned.

Two weeks later I had the stress test and had to be removed from the treadmill due to shortness of breath. They finished the tests chemically and I then had to sit and wait for a cardiologist to come talk to me.

He came in the room, introduced himself, and had a seat across from me. He said, "Ms. Marroy. You have blockage in your heart and we need to schedule you for a heart cath to see where the blockage is." You could have knocked me over with a feather. I remember saying back to him, "Are you talking to me?  I am healthy and active so this cannot be me." After assuring me it was me, he asked if there was heart disease in my family. I told him my mother had triple bypass, my uncle died from heart disease and my grandpa had angina. I also had high cholesterol at the time, but I mistakenly thought I was going to bypass the heart issues that ran in my family. I seriously had no clue that anything was wrong with my heart. 

I had the heart cath done in a couple of days and found out that because the blockage was in the bifurcation they would have to do a single bypass. The following week I was in the hospital having my chest sawed open.

I went through surgery fine and two days later they gave me a pill called Metoprolol, which caused my heart to stop for nine seconds. I was taken back to the CCC and kept there for twenty-four hours. When my heart regulated itself they took me back to my room and I was supposed to be discharged within two days.

The morning of my discharge, I went to stand up and down I went. My blood pressure had dropped and I hit the floor. They decided to keep me in the hospital longer.

By this time I was falling into a depression, Thankfully, my hospital room had a large window which faced Mill Mountain. For the next two days, as they continued to monitor me, I sat in a recliner by the window. The nurses has turned the chair for me so it faced the beautiful greener than green mountain.

I would sit in that chair and cry because I did not know where to go in life from where I was. Would there be restrictions on my life because of my heart? Would I have to change my way of life? I cried and I talked to Spirit, and I cried more and talked to Spirit more.

One day, in the midst of my depression and feeling of great loss, Spirit spoke back to me and I heard these words, "The only thing required of you, is for you to just be and just breathe." I knew there was nothing else to do at this point but to listen to what I heard. I felt a lightness within, and hope began to take hold of me as I let the enormity of what was being said to me sink in. 

I realized I was not being required to do anything-only be and breathe. This was the beginning of my understanding of the extreme difference between doing and being. I also came to realize we do not have to earn a living, we only have to breathe in order to be alive. There is nothing to do, nothing to earn. Just be and breathe.

Over the years, as I have consciously continued to practice being and breathing, I have come to appreciate more and more, the beauty of knowing that busyness does not get me to the peaceful, quiet place I long to be-only being and breathing can do that.

I no longer have to work for my sense of well-being. I don't have to strive for my inner peace, I only have to be and breathe.

I sometimes forget and catch myself thinking I need to do something, or run to and fro, or do things in a certain way so I will be seen as okay or so I can feel good about myself. Then I come to my senses and remember, all that is required of me is to be and to breathe.

It took depression, a sense of loss, and open heart surgery to change my life and bring me to a place of quiet within. I am very grateful for life, and for the breath of life that keeps me alive!! 

THE LEADING CAUSES OF LIFE

 I dare say, in our society, most people have heard the phrase, "the leading cause of death".  Some say, the answer is cancer or heart attack. Most are familiar with the phrase because it is talked about by many. Often, following the phrase, is a list of ways to avoid being a victim of the "leading cause." What they don't tell us, or talk about, is "the leading cause of life."

Personally, I am more interested in what will add to my life, than what will possibly cause my death. We will all die. No one is getting out of here alive. That is old news. But, while we are here on this planet, wouldn't it be wonderful to do what it takes to contribute to life? I want to live my best life. I want to be an authentic, truth-telling, life-loving human. My guess is that the majority of humans feel the same way.

I believe, on some level, we are all possessed with the longing to be whole, to fly, to create, to dance, to dream, to paint, to write, to be big and large and full of who we truly are. We are possessed with the desire to live fully. 

There are many causes of life, as there are many causes of death. I consider myself to be a student of life, and over the years have come to the following conclusion. In order for me to live life to the fullest, I need to 1) believe in myself, 2) believe in something greater and larger than myself and 3) love, acknowledge and care for myself.

Believing in myself:  This takes work and commitment. I often have to remind myself that I am not my story or my circumstances. Who I am is a child of creator energy, therefore I am love and lovable, compassionate and kind, a light being who is here to heal and be whole, and to offer all of who I am to the planet and its inhabitants.

Believing in something greater and larger than myself: I definitely believe in divine, benevolent energy,  that fills the universe and therefore fills all of us. I feel the love and kindness that flows from this pervasive energy and immerse myself in it. There are many names for this energy. Some call it God, some Goddess, others Allah. I know many who call it All There Is, Creator, Mother/Father God and Great Spirit. I know this energy on a personal level because I am immersed in it. It is not an entity that sits on a cloud, but rather is warm and loving and allows me to wrap myself in it. 

Loving, acknowledging and caring for myself: I have found, and continue to find, ways to love myself. I believe when we have love for self, not ego love, but love for the divine spirit that inhabits who we are, we cannot help but give love to the world.  Some of the ways I practice loving myself are:

• I seek the healing, insight and support that will help me to release the attitudes and emotions that keep me from experiencing the wonder of my true self.
• I do "nothing" by spending time relaxing, reflecting, and simply being, in order to connect with my higher self.
• I spend time in nature, hugging trees and basking in the beauty and grace of creation.
• I buy clothes that reflect who I am.
• I do my best to uphold my principles and stand for light and life.

My desire is to be fully here, while I am here. With all of this in mind, I have to say, I often miss the boat. I forget who I am and why I am here. I get caught up in bullshit and petty things. I indulge in junk food, not fast food, but junk food like chips and cake and cookies. I sometimes forget we are all children of creator energy. I resist life and what is and fall into darkness and despair. 

But, here's the good part. Somehow, I always return to myself and pick up where I left off. I re-involve myself in practicing the leading causes of life and bask in gratitude for loving, creator energy who always brings me back to myself and to truth. 

Be large!! Be authentic!! Be light and love!!  And, finally, be peace!! What you are is what you give to others...

STILLNESS AND SILENCE

 

"True intelligence operates silently. Stillness is where creativity and solutions to problems are found." Eckhart Tolle

I am being called upon, once again, to return to a place of stillness. Because I have been physically ill for over a year and a half, and the medical industry has no answers for me, I have gotten into the habit of busily searching for a solution. In my quest to find answers to questions of, "What is wrong with me?" and "How do I heal my body from all of these debilitating symptoms?", I have become busy. I spend a lot of time reading and researching long covid websites. I joined a group of Survivors of Long Covid. I have gotten involved in research groups. I question others and listen carefully to what they have found to help ease the symptoms and attack the virus. I have tried different remedies, and some work and some don't. I have tried what the medical industry suggested, which was an inhaler, a nebulizer, and a respiratory rehab program. Neither helped, even though the rehab program did help to increase my core strength.

I finally remembered to STOP and return to the practice of stillness again. I quit the constant research, I gave up the hours spent reading about the virus' long term effects and how others were handling it all. I decided to settle on a daily regimen of supplements that seem to help ease some of the symptoms.  Besides my regular supplements, I take N-Acetyl L Cystine, Alpha Lipoic Acid and Quinol every day. I also recently added mushroom tinctures, Lions Mane and Turkey Tail Plus ,to my daily intake. These all help to a certain extent. 

However, I do believe the best relief I have gotten is from returning to a place of stillness, quiet and presence. I am back to resting my body more, listening carefully to the cues it is giving me about what I need, and what I don't need, watching what I eat, and being kind and gentle to myself. 

I find myself spending more time hugging my favorite tree, giving it love and gratitude while I draw strength from it, sitting quietly watching and listening to the birds at their feeders and sitting outside in the sun. I also am allowing myself much more time to commune with my sisters and spend time in their presence. 

Occasionally, I will tune in to the survivors websites and read their stories, or read about the latest clinical trials being done concerning long covid. Mostly, though I am trusting Spirit to lead me to where I need to go for help, and to give me wisdom and insight to know what choices to make for my health. 

I love stillness. I love quiet. I seldom turn my TV on in the daytime because I find comfort in silence. I notice the ticking of the clock, the sound of my cat scratching in her litter box, the squabbling of the squirrels as they chase each other up and down the trees, and the sounds of my neighborhood. 

Silence is golden, and I am grateful for the reminder to "just be quiet", trust, and let it be.  I believe stillness and quiet is a gift, that is there for the taking. It is up to each soul to choose it. It works for me, so I choose it with gratitude. 💖

WAKING UP

Spring is almost here and I feel like I am awakening from a deep and dark slumber.

Nature is waking up and I feel I am too. It's like I feel the sap running through my branches again, and buds beginning to pop up and out. I actually am starting to feel like I can breathe again. 

One of the buds opening within me, is a renewed interest in life. I am noticing the sky again and watching the trees come to life.  I do believe our bodies emulate the cycle of a tree!! Most trees (except for evergreens) are dormant and naked in winter, and even appear to be dead, when in reality they are only at rest and in a very quiet place. Is this where I have been? In a dormant state of sleep and rest? I have believed for years that our bodies needs to follow the path of nature, but somehow in my illness, I forgot that simple truth. My spirit is reminding me that I have been in a winter's state of being, and eventually winter passes away and spring returns. 

The second bud opening within is a feeling of hope. Even with the horrific wars going on all over the planet, with thousands of innocent souls being slaughtered, I still feel hope for mankind and for myself.

I even have hope, while in the middle of watching the great political divide, and the effort to destroy democracy playing out across our country. I feel sad over the news of it all, and cry a lot for the suffering of humanity, but know what I am called to do, is to stand in light and love.  And, I still have hope.

I realize the reason I still have hope is because in spite of the ugliness and hatred, I continuously encounter kindness and civility. No matter where I go, I ALWAYS encounter kindness. It seems the people I run into in the grocery store, doctors office, Lowes, restaurants, and wherever else I may wind up, are  all considerate and kind. This gives me hope that though ugliness and evil  are rearing its head, kindness and consideration are still alive and well in the soul of many. I do not remember a time in my life when I have heard so many meaningful , "I'm sorry", "may I help you reach that?", "you go first" and other words of human kindness. This gives me great hope.

The third bud blossoming within is joy, just for being alive, and having the ability to see, hear and smell the dawning of spring. When I step outside and walk around my yard, I see life popping up all over. My lilac bush is full of buds, my tulips are pushing through the dirt, my mums are greening at the base and my butterfly bushes are preparing to blossom.  Watching nature wake up and fill the earth with its many colors and smells, gives me great joy.

I feel like I am waking up from a long slumber, where I have been void of hope and joy, where shortness of breath. exhaustion and brain fog, and physical pain have been my constant companions.  While in this place I have had much doubt that I would ever feel better again, or that I would live to see the end of 2024.  My good days are getting a little better and my not so good days are not quite as bad as they have been, and for that I am very grateful.  

Today I feel alive, I have hope for myself, my country, humanity and the planet. The sap is running through my veins, and I am so delighted to be able to say with great meaning-Happy awakening and happy spring to all!! 

OUR STORIES

 

This is a continuation of my blog from last week, "Missing for a While and Yet I Rise."

 As I was coming out of the dark place I had been in, I noticed my longing for clarity. I wanted some insight into what was going on in my life. I knew I was in a place that was pregnant with healing possibilities; I just did not know how to see, hear or receive what was there for the taking. The darkness was so thick it was hard to see the light.

 One of the physical ailments I had been enduring for quite some time, was having a very stiff, painful neck.  As it began to dawn on me how much I was suffering with my neck, I had an ah-ha moment.  I realized I was being stiff necked about something. I was resisting seeing or knowing something that was in front of me.  What was it?

Finally, the answers started to come. As my sister friends began to ask me, "why didn't you tell me what was going on with you?", I began to see something. What I saw was, when I am in deep emotional and/or physical pain, I have a problem with reaching out to others.  However, if you reach in to me, I will and can respond. So, while I was sitting in pain and darkness and not reaching out to others, I was living in the story of, "nobody cares", "I don't matter" and "I am not important."

This story stems from childhood where I learned to take my emotional pain to my bedroom and cry into my pillow. Or, I learned to stifle it and hold back the tears in fear of being told, "if you don't stop that crying I will give you something to cry about."

When I was a child and I was in pain, I really believed no one cared. I do not remember being held or nurtured when I was suffering. Of course, when I fell off my bike and injured myself, my wounds were taken care of, but my soul wounds were ignored. No one in my family knew what to do for a child who was suffering deep emotional wounding. So, I knew better than to reach out to anyone because that was not allowed. Besides, I did not know how to put words to the sorrow and grief I carried over having my daddy ripped out of my life, and then being told he did not care about me.

I have learned over the years, since I put my foot on this soul healing journey, that our stories rule and inform our lives. As we grow in age, and maybe maturity, we do not just drop our stories. These stories are embedded in our brain, cells, muscles, bones and entire being. We live our stories. 

Our stories are formed according to how we perceive our experiences.  If we are ignored, our story might be that we do not matter, or no one cares. If we are abused physically, mentally or sexually, our story might be that we have no value or worth. If we are not as important as a brother or sister, our story might be that we are less than, or we can't measure up.  If we are constantly being made to feel no matter what we do it is never right, or never quite good enough, our story might be that we have to do more or be more. The stories we tell ourselves as a child in order to survive and somehow make sense of our experience becomes a way of life for us.

Unless, and until, we pay attention to our life, we may never become aware of which story is running our life. In that case, the same old story continues to play in a loop in the background and our life continues to be informed by it.

We are never too old, and it is never too late, to pay attention to that subconscious message that is running our life. That message that makes us think there is never enough, we have to be in control, we can't ask for what we need, we can't stop and take a breath and we have to earn the right to be here. 

I am very grateful to have been given the insight as to what is going on in my life that has been keeping me stuck in a hard, dark place. I was asking Spirit for an answer, some clarity for healing. One night, towards the middle of February, I woke up startled. I had been in the middle of an important dream and I needed to remember it. 

I got out of bed, came to the kitchen table, opened my journal and began to write about my dream.  Towards the end of writing, I had a flash of insight and immediately saw what Spirit was wanting me to see. 

In my dream there was a little girl who kept following me. I was somewhere out west. I knew she wanted something from me but I kept pushing her away. No matter where I went, she showed up. I was irritated with her cause she would not leave me alone.

My flash of insight showed me that this little girl represented me. She was clamoring for attention. She wanted to be seen and heard. Her need for attention upset me and made me uncomfortable. I wanted her to go away. 

As I sat with this, knowing this was me, I saw that she was showing me that unhealed part of myself that needed to know I mattered, needed to know it was okay to cry and let my pain be known to those around me, even if others cannot acknowledge my sadness and pain. I saw how beautiful, tender and precious I was and how much I mattered. 

Sobbing, I figuratively took that little girl in my arms and told her I was here for her; I saw her and heard her need to know she was important. I also let her know she deserved to be loved, nurtured and cared for, that softness and vulnerability was okay and that I would not abandon her.

Since going through this enlightening process, I feel better in my body and my soul. I know that as I continuously change the tape that is my story, I will continue to heal body, soul and spirit. Healing is happening!!!

MISSING FOR A WHILE-BUT STILL I RISE

I have been missing. I fell into a dark hole in December and I am just now climbing out, one step at a time. January and February wound up being one day after the other, that I just had to find a way to get through. I felt abandoned and disillusioned, and very sick in my body.

At the end of December, adding to my already physically ill body, I caught the flu from a family member. There was a time when I had such a great immune system, I rarely caught anything from anybody. However, since having long haul covid, I seem to be susceptible to a lot of stuff. This bout of flu lasted for close to a month. 

While going through that, we brought a high-spirited, strong and strong-willed seven week puppy into our life. Trying to manage him in this little space without a fenced in yard wound up being one of the biggest challenges of my adult life. Paul and I finally threw in the towel last weekend and rehomed him. We both feel better because he is a wonderful home with children, another dog and a young, loving family. 

I am starting to see daylight and I feel lighter in my body and psyche. During this very difficult time Paul, and my sister friends kept me going. They were present to me and understood that I was close to losing it. Thankfully, these women called me, took me out to lunch, and basically kept a close check on me to let me know they cared and they were there. More than once, on my darkest of days, my sister friends reached out and brought me back to life.

Paul also stepped up to the plate and took over so many of my household chores. He was my shoulder to cry on, and I cried daily, my listening ear and my staunch supporter. I had a strong feeling my life was coming to an end. Not that I would end it, but that my illness, coupled with my loss of hope, was going to end my life. I do not fear death, and until recently had a strong will to live, but over the past three months I more than once woke up, lay in bed and let goddess mother know I was ready to go. 

It has been many years since I have been in that low and scary place in my life. I usually have vim and vigor, high levels of energy, clarity and vision about my life, and life in general. Then, the perfect storm hit and I was leveled. I am grateful today to feel a bit better in my body. I still get short of breath with activity, which creates fatigue. There were times I struggled to put one foot in front of the other.  I still am tired but the fatigue is not as devastating as it had been. I am even more grateful to once again see light and hope. 

So I am back, participating in life once more.  I have started working on my book again. I do not know how often I will be blogging but have a feeling it will probably be when the need to blog hits me. I still write every day, I'm just not sharing my writing at this time. I am giving myself a lot of down time, walking in the woods and hugging trees, reading and taking naps and communing with Spirit. This is also a time when I am reminding myself of my purpose for being here, and remembering that I am not through doing what I came to do, or being who I came to be. 

Life goes on and I am glad to be here. 💖💗AND STILL I RISE!!!

OUT WITH 2023-IN WITH 2024

 

2023 was a year of ups and downs, but then, when I think about my life, I see that every year is a year of ups and downs. I think that is life is general.  We all have good times and we have times that are not so good. I believe the gift in this is to learn to be with what is, roll with the punches, and go with the flow. We can fight life, or we can embrace what is and be at peace.

In retrospect, one of the best things to happen in 2023, was Paul getting a job driving locally so he could be home every night. What a difference this has made in our lives. I love knowing when he leaves for work in the morning, he is coming home later in the day. It was a hard time for us when he was on the road and was only home on weekends. We are both grateful for the change in his work life.

The most difficult part of 2023 has been dealing with my constant physical issues, which started in the spring of 2022. I spent part of this year seeing specialists, like a pulmonologist and cardiologist. I had lung function testing done, two CT scans of my lungs, an echogram and a heart cath to check for blockages in my heart. Everything checked out okay, save for a few minor issues, but I was, and still am, short of breath upon the slightest exertion, tired a lot, and usually in a brain fog. I have a few neurological issues and nerve issues in my body, I’ve lost my sense of taste, and I have occasional insomnia. By summer, I realized the medical industry had no answers or diagnosis for me, so I began earnestly the task of advocating for myself. I did mention my deep concern that I had long covid to my specialists and my PCP, however, no one had any response or answers. 

I spent the last six months of 2023 researching long covid, talking to people who have it, joining long covid groups, reading newsletters from long covid clinics and research organizations and paying close attention to my body. Over this year, I have become aware of how prevalent this virus is (long covid) and what others are doing to help with all of the debilitating symptoms.

I put myself into a Carda Care program, which is three times a week pulmonary rehab class. I started on an essential oils program to help with the breathing issues, added NAC (N-acetyl-L cystine, an amino acid) to my daily regimen and recently added Alpha Lipoic acid and Co-Q-10 to the mix. I am seeing slight changes in my body and my symptoms, however I feel like I take one step forward followed by two steps back. Regardless, I continue to read and study the research that is available. All I can do is all I can do, and I still hope I will eventually see the return of my ability to breath easily upon exertion, and gradually have my stamina return.

On a good note, in March I met two new sister friends here in Fredericksburg and they have really added to my joy and to my life. It is nice to have women of like mind to have lunch with and just to hang out with.

In May, my oldest great granddaughter graduated from high school and we made a trip to New Orleans so we could be there to celebrate her and her achievements. When we got home from that trip, my oldest granddaughter, who had been living with us for nine months, left to go home to New Orleans. It was hard to see her go.

I started organizing my second book in September and have been steadily working on it. It will be an anthology for and about women, so I am enjoying reading the stories that have been submitted for inclusion in the book.

In October, Paul and I went to Baltimore to see Queen, which was one of my dreams.  I really enjoy their music and had a Queen concert on my bucket list. Also, in October, we had our second annual women’s gathering at the beach. It was such a treat to spend 3 days with six incredible women.

We had another lovely family Thanksgiving and Christmas and ended the year on a mixture of a high and a low. Paul and I, and other family members, all came down with the flu, and I am still dealing with a bad cough. 

Then, on the 30th we picked up our new fur baby, Wally. He is a seven week old pup and is a one man wrecking ball. Yesterday afternoon, in desperation for a break, I ordered an animal playpen for him, which will be delivered tomorrow. I forgot what it was like to train a two year old child, and this puppy does remind me of an undisciplined, curious, bottomless pit of energy, two year old child. Oyvey!!

So, 2023 was a full year. Life seemed busier, even though I wasn't doing more; in fact, I am doing less. It just seems the days do not last as long, even though, to the best of my knowledge, there are still twenty-four hours in a day. I attribute the quickened passage of time to an increase in the Schumann’s Resonance.

I wish I could say I look forward to 2024, but I really do not. In a perfect world, I would be restored to a place of good physical health, the world would be at peace, or at least the inhabitants of this country would be at peace, and I would not have this innate feeling that I need to buckle up for what is coming.

However, in spite of what it is like out there, I am grateful for my beloved husband, my awesome children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren (and my two nephews), supportive and caring sister friends, and the knowledge that in my core, no matter what is going on out there, all is well within.

I pray the new year will bring you peace and joy along with the knowledge that you matter, and you are loved!!  Out with the old and in with the new!! Happy New Year..  

SEVEN THINGS I DEEPLY LOVE

 "Sometimes you hear a voice through the door calling you,

As a fish out of water hears the waves...

Come back. Come back.

This turning toward what you deeply love saves you."  Rumi

After reading this for the third time, I asked myself, "What do I deeply love?" What are the things in my life that call to me? Those things, events and people that bring joy and satisfaction to my life. After deep contemplation and looking within, I decided the following are the things I deeply love:

1. I deeply love things of the spirit, like quiet mornings where I can sit still and follow my breath in and out. I practice presence during these times and feel a heightened sense of awareness as I pay attention to the feel of the chair I' m sitting on, the smells in the air, the sounds around me, and the feel of the floor or the ground beneath my feet. I sometimes scan my body to see if there are any areas of dis-ease that I need to pay attention to. I write my feelings and my mettas for the day. Doing this ritual in the morning prepares me for my day and reminds me what is important.

2. I deeply love soft, intimate times with Paul, when we connect on a conscious level. We sit quietly facing each other and share our fears, desires, and concerns. As we really listen to each other with compassion and love we create a bond and a level of in-to-me-see (intimacy) that nourishes our relationship. I also love motorcycle riding with Paul. We both touch pure joy when riding through mountains and forests.

3. I deeply love quiet moments with my sister friends who have chosen the path of healing. Our conversations are honest and personal as we reveal our hurts and joys to each other. During these moments I am lifted to new heights.

4. I deeply love family get-togethers when we all remember to love and respect each other, to lift and support each another and to express tenderness and kindness.

5. I deeply love being in nature, walking through the woods, hugging the trees, sitting by the water, looking at the night sky, being around animals, digging in the dirt planting flowers and vegetables, sitting and laying on the ground, walking barefoot and feeling and closely examining rocks and stones. Anything that allows me to touch and be part of nature calls to me.

6. I deeply love coming home to my authentic Self. I've been absent for years, not knowing who I was or what I needed. The more I reconnect with, and embrace my authentic Self, the more compassion I have to give to others. As I embrace and accept all of me, I notice I want less of what the world offers.

7. I deeply love laughter that comes from the gut. It feels good to laugh so hard I double over, my cheeks and jaw hurt and tears run down my face. I feel cleansed and at peace after a bout of belly laughter. Paul and I have started taping episodes of Seinfeld and Golden Girls. We watch a show or two before we go to bed and laugh a lot. It eases my soul and makes me feel good. 

I invite you to find a quiet place, take a few deep belly breaths, relax your body and ask yourself the questions, "What do I deeply love?" and "What brings me pure joy?" Write your answers so you can refer back to them.

Make time to give yourself the gifts of that which you love to have and to do. I believe turning towards the things we truly love makes a difference in whether we are living fully or partially existing. 

I would love to hear from you. What do you deeply love?

BEING A SEEKER AND CHANGING COURSE

When one way of seeing, doing, or thinking about life no longer works to our advantage, it may be wise to change our course. In most cases, there is more than one way to get from here to there. We can get stuck doing something one way and miss or even refuse to change course and try another way.

The old saying, "But we have always done it this way," can cause us to get stuck in how we do life. I believe, in order to change our course in life, it requires us to change our thinking. Because we have always thought one way about something does not mean we cannot think another way.

A lot of what we do or think has been passed on to us by our caretakers and/or by society, religion and authority figures. Because mom, dad, grandma or the Rabbi or priest said something was absolute does not mean you can't question it. 

When I was growing up, a lot of pedagogy was passed on to me, and I  grabbed hold of it and lived my life according to those rules. I did not question what I was taught, because I believed if an authority figure was teaching it, it must be right. I also was taught that it was unacceptable to question what my elders said. 

As I  got older and began to develop my own life, I started questioning a lot of what I was taught, and my life began to change. Life has actually gotten bigger. Asking "who made that rule?" and "Is this really true?" has set me free from many of my self-imposed/inflicted barriers to larger living.

I always adhered to the belief that it was faux pas to wear white after labor day and to have long hair after age 50. I knew, and I thought rightfully so,  blacks had their own section of town, if you were not a catholic you were going to hell, and if you were gay something was wrong with you.  Children were to be seen and not heard, god was a male figure and if my family or church said something was so, it was so. This was how I lived, the road I walked, and the course I was on.

Gratefully, I grew up and learned it was okay to question the rules of my family, the teachings of my elders and the dogma of the church. I learned I had a brain and it was okay, and even good, to be a critical thinker. I could think for myself!!

As my thinking broadened, so did my life. Some of the questions I asked, and the truths I saw as a result, scared me. As I began to change the dance steps I had always done, I soon found myself out of step with those in my life who were not ready to try new dance steps. I understood that it was easier to cling to long held beliefs and not question anything.  Over a short period of time I began to feel like a pariah, even within my own family.

Let me be clear that I did not begin to question the way of life I had been taught, just for the sake of questioning. The questions started because my soul was longing for expansion. I knew, on some level there was more to life and living than what has been passed on to me. It did not matter if everyone around me believed black was white. I was being pushed from within to take a long hard look at it and see if black was really black. (I am not talking about skin color.) What I did not know at the time was that I was destined to be a seeker. 

I remember, once, a long time ago, my brother and I were both visiting our mother at the same time. He came to me in the kitchen one morning, as I was sitting at the table writing. He gave me a piece of paper with a scripture on it. It was something about seeking. He told he he was worried about me because I always seeking and searching. I was instantly aware that in his mind, he believed something was wrong with me, because I was a seeker. I knew there would be no value in arguing for myself or in trying to make him understand where I was. So I just smiled at him and acknowledged he was right. I was a seeker!!

My heart has always been a seeking heart. When I was younger I did not know that because I did not know it was okay to find my own path in life.

I am still a seeker and probably always will be. I embrace that part of myself. I embrace my longing for more-more clarity, more life and a bigger vision. It is who I am. It is a big part of why I am here. I have learned that the clearer my vision and the larger and lighter my life, the more inclusive I have become, the deeper my empathy for others, and my compassion for the suffering I see in the world has grown.

I paid a price for being a questioner, for stepping outside of the box and coloring outside the lines. But, I do not regret any of it, and I continue to question and seek in order to continually broaden my vision. This is me and I honor my walk and my hunger. 

THE LITTLE PLEASURES OF LIFE

 

It is important to have pleasure in our lives. Pleasure, or even the thought of it, motivates people. Pleasure is good, and it is alarming how many people are afraid of pleasure. Many believe if they have too much pleasure, pain will follow. It's like pain is the price we have to pay for pleasure. I do not believe this. I have a sense there is much in life that is here for us to enjoy.

I have many pleasures, and I delight in all of them. A few of my pleasures are reading a good book, riding slowly through the mountains or forests on the back of our motorcycle, wrapping myself up in my warm fuzzy robe on a chilly night, well prepared food, a glass of Evan Williams honey whiskey in the evening, intimate conversations with friends, family gatherings, sitting quietly on my patio watching the birds, butterflies and squirrels and talking to the trees, sunrises and sunsets and following through with an original idea or project. Since getting sick in my physical body over a year ago, sadly, some of my pleasures have been curtailed. 

When Paul and I first met seventeen years ago, nothing pleased us more than getting on our motorcycle and taking off for parts unknown. We sometimes had a destination but were prone to take the long way to get there.

When we ride, we are truly engrossed in the journey and the pleasure we derive from being out in the open. We mostly stick to back roads and over the years we have seen a lot of americana in small towns off the beaten path.

We take trips on our motorcycle and absolutely delight in strapping a suitcase to our luggage rack and off we go.

One of my favorite motorcycle trips was in Ireland. We rented a motorcycle in a town outside of Dublin and for nine days traversed the island. We had no reservations and no agenda. We just rode. Some places were so delightful,  like the Caha Mountains, we went twice. 

Another delightful trip was when we were headed for the Poconos and wound up in New York in the Adirondacks. We hit the Poconos on the way back!!

I really enjoy our motorcycle rides, however for the past one and a half years, we have not done much riding because of my extreme fatigue and general sense of not feeling good. I miss those rides and hope I will feel good enough one day soon to experience copious amounts of motorcycling. 

Another great pleasure of mine is eating good food. I am a "from scratch" cook and baker and I used to make so many enticing, tasty dishes and desserts. Being a Cajun girl from Southeast Louisiana, I specialize in good Cajun cooking. Before I got sick, I would have fresh home baked breads, cookies and cakes around and often cooked a pot of gumbo or jambalaya. 

I still cook some and occasionally will bake, but for the most part that has all gone by the wayside, because one of the symptoms of my illness is a loss of taste. Now to some, that may not be an issue, but I am one who eats slowly, thoroughly chewing my food and paying attention to the explosion of tastes in my mouth as I eat a meal. I also am, so often, too tired to stand and prepare meals and baked goods, so I don't cook like I used to.

Today when I eat, I still eat slowly and pay attention to the food I am eating, but due to lack of taste, eating a meal is just something I do to fuel my body. I really miss the pleasure I used to get out of my food. I still have a little taste but what is left seems to be tainted. Every once in a while I will eat something that is really delicious. At those times I am filled with gratitude that I can taste the food. 

I have heard people use the term "guilty pleasure." Personally, I am not sure what that is because try as I might I cannot find a down side to experiencing pleasure, unless you are hurting someone or something. We all need those moments of pleasure. 

I believe pleasure has a transcendent value. Kahlil Gibran, in The Prophet, writes that pleasure is a freedom-song, a by-product of spiritual freedom. This freedom is experienced when a person has the ability to say yes to life. Think about the concept of saying yes to life and yes to those things that bring you pleasure. We all deserve to experience  that which bring delight to our hearts. Don't say no. Delight in your pleasures because you never know when they will be curtailed for a while, or totally eliminated. 

CAUGHT IN A SHIFT STORM

 

Here I am again, writing about sadness and loss. I really want this blog to be full of joy and love of life and a lot of hallelujahs. However, life does not always move in the direction I want, nor does it always turn out the way I want it to.

I know I have a bucket full of joy within and a deep love of life and for life. I just don't always live from that space. Lately, life has been more about upheaval, shifting and change.  I still love life and I am grateful for the life that I have been given, but being real and authentic means I have to acknowledge it does not always feel good.

I feel like I am caught in a shift storm, where the winds are fiercely blowing, my life is crazily shifting,  and life as I knew it is passing away. I have always been a high energy person who loved to work in the yard, bake and cook from scratch, prepare good meals, keep my house clean and orderly and still have energy left over to do fun things with family and friends. I have never been a couch potato. I have always been an early to bed and early to rise person. I felt like I did things with gusto.

Well, that life, or I should say, that version of myself, is passing away. My get up and go has gotten up and gone, and I am basically tired and breathless for most of my waking moments. I seldom bake homemade treats any longer, I clean my house out of necessity and I do yard work in short sprints. 

My body is failing me physically and I have no answers for why this is happening, therefore I have no solutions. At my latest ER visit, I did have pulmonary edema added to the list of what is no longer working properly, so now I am taking lasix to attempt to keep the fluid out of my lungs. According to all the tests that have been done, my heart function is good, there is no blockage and my lung functions are okay. So, now what? Perhaps one day I will find an answer and someone will be able to help me find a solution, And, maybe not. Maybe this is my new norm and I need to find a place of comfort in it.

Add to that, people I love, who have been present in my life, are moving away. My granddaughter and her dog have been living with me and Paul for nine months. I got used to her presence and we enjoyed many moments together. She has moved back to New Orleans so she could be with her mother. My son, who lived in Northern Virginia, but still worked in Fredericksburg, used to spend two to three nights a week here with me. He and his wife built a new home close to Fredericksburg so he will no longer be coming here to spend the night. I am very happy for both of them, and knew this was coming, but it still hit me square in the face all at the same time. And for the first time in seventeen years of living with my husband he is now, all of a sudden, having physical issues in his body. 

This all feels like a great big shift storm and I feel like I am caught in a whirlwind.  I find myself in a place of sadness for the losses I am feeling, discomfort for the not knowing what is happening to me and my husband physically, and fatigue over it all. This is unchartered territory.

So, this morning, while contemplating my life, I was reminded of the first chapter in the book "Illusions" by Richard Bach, I have read this book many times, and the first chapter has always been my favorite part of the story.  However, this morning, it took on new meaning for me as I went back and read it again.

Basically, it tells the story of a village of creatures who live at the bottom of a great crystal river. As the current of the river swept over them, each creature clung tightly to the twigs and rocks at the river bottom, clinging to their way of life and resisting the current.

One day one of the creatures said, "I am tired of clinging.  Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I will die of boredom."

All the other creatures laughed and called him a fool, but he heeded them not, and taking a breath he let go. At once he was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.  Yet, in time, as he refused to cling to what was, the current lifted him free from the bottom and he was bruised and hurt no more. 

After reading this again this morning, and meditating on it, I made the decision to let go of life as I have known and loved it, in all its familiarity and comfort, and trust the current to carry me to a place of rest. Shifts will always happen, it is part of life, and I understand I can fight it or go with it. I do not know what is in store for me or for Paul, but I have a feeling going with the current is easier than clinging to that which has been familiar territory, and that which has felt good, but is quickly passing away.

My intention is to embrace and to open up to whatever is part of the shift. Who knows? Better may be in store. 

ISN'T LIFE IRONIC?

 Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you

When you think everything's okay and everything's going right

And life has a funny way of helping you out when

You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

The above is a verse from Alanis Morisette's song, "Ironic."  Ironic means contradictory and paradoxical.

Lately, life has held a lot of irony for me. One day, or one moment, I am in a funk, and the next I am okay. It's like the funk sneaks up on me and when I think it all sucks, the sun comes out and it is a beautiful day. 

It has been about a year since I have felt good in my body. I so often find myself dragging and I seem to spend more time resting. For most of my life, I have been a high energy person. I usually feel okay in body, mind and spirit. However, since starting with this shortness of breath and fatigue issues, my get up and go seems to have gotten up and went. 

I have no diagnosis. My heart checks out A-okay and except for a ground glass nodule on my lungs, they seem to be okay also. According to my pulmonologist, the nodule could disappear on its own, or it could grow. She will keep an eye on it, and other than that all is okay. So, I go from day to day pacing myself, going slower and resting when I am out of breath. I have no answers for why my body is doing what it is doing so I do all I know to do, which is to take care of myself, nurture my body and soul and be kind, gentle and responsive to whatever my body is calling me to do in the moment. 

I seem to go up and down from deep contentment for where I am and for the miracle of life and love, to deep despair for what is happening in my body. Sometimes when I feel the worse, I walk outside and feel the sun on my face and see the beautiful trees standing tall and strong, and I feel an overwhelming sense of joy and gratitude. Other times, I am having a good day so I decide to take a walk and before I know it I am exhausted and short of breath and I have to come inside and hit the couch. 

It is all ironic to me. I feel good, then I feel bad. I feel happy, then I feel sad. I think everything is going to be okay and then it falls apart. I think nothing is working and I will never feel good again, then something happens and I have hope.

I am not sure where I go from here, and I take life a day at a time and a moment at a time. I still have hope that I will get my breath and my energy back. In the meantime I go with what I have and continue to live as fully as possible. I am getting acupuncture and chiropractic. My friend Tom has done remote Reiki on me. My friend, Kathy, is paying for me to have a sound healing session and I am earthing. I also am thanking my body for continuing to breathe and for giving me the energy I need to get up every day and be here. So, we'll see what happens, because in the end, it is what it is!!

GIVING AND RECEIVING

I have recently come to realize that I am much more comfortable giving than I am receiving. I am a giver by nature and have become even more of a giver in recent years. In my younger years, giving was about gifts and stuff. Today, giving is about opening up and sharing light, life, tenderness, care and love. This is easy for me because I really do care about others and often "feel" the need to reach out and be there for someone. I know part of my purpose is to be the listening ear, the understanding heart and the eye that sees beyond what is being shown to the world. 

I am comfortable in myself when I am giving, and this is good. However, I now know that I am not as comfortable in receiving. In fact, receiving has not been easy for me. I can receive material gifts much more easily than I can receive support and nurturing for myself and my walk.

I did not know this until last month, April, when I was in the hospital for three days. I do not put a lot on Facebook about what is going on in my physical body, but that Monday morning I felt the need to take a selfie of me in the hospital bed and post it on my page. In hindsight, I can see that I was setting myself up to be gifted in a huge way.

After I posted the picture and the message, the responses started pouring in, I received words of love, compassion, and support through my email, text, Facebook, voice mail and messenger. The responses were overwhelming, and they kept on coming even after I got home. 

After about twenty-four hours the light began to dawn and I noticed how, though I was delighted with the outpouring of love and care, I was also surprised. I did not realize I meant that much to so many or that my writing was impacting so many people. 

I did not grow up in an atmosphere of praise for who I was or what I accomplished. My family was a loving, caring family and though dysfunctional, they were also big-hearted. We all cared for each other, it just happened that I was not the golden child. My brother held that title. He was the first born son and grandson and the family's hopes of having a college graduate was pinned on him. This was back in the 1940's when boys were groomed to go to college, but most girls weren't. Besides his being college bound, he also was the one who did everything right, he fit in and he followed the program. On the other hand, I was not that kind of child. I had my own agenda and heard a different drum beat.

It's not that anything was wrong with me, it's that I did not follow the rules, and I was mostly noticed when I misbehaved. Though we were a loving family, we were not a nurturing family. I do not remember being nurtured as a child, a teenager or a young adult. I remember always kissing good morning, good night and good bye but I have no memory of ever being cuddled or held. When I cried, I cried alone into my pillow, and more often than not, I just held the tears in. To be vulnerable was a no-no and I learned to not expect comfort and nurturing.

So, as an adult, for me to hear all the love and care coming from so many literally threw me for a loop. It took a while for me to notice what was happening and to realize the beautiful gift that was staring me in the face, and it took a little longer for me to open up and let it all in.   There were people who cared about me and what happened to me. As I was able to take this in and feel it all the way to my core, I knew I was going to get better. I also knew I needed to open my heart, be vulnerable and let in all the love that was being sent my way.

I am committed to staying open to receiving hugs, words of comfort, and warm words of support. I realize the importance of receiving  and have felt the impact it had on my entire being.

I am so grateful to all who reached out to me during what was a very difficult time. I did not know what was going to happen to me and was inwardly preparing myself to say my final farewells. From what I knew, something was drastically wrong with my lungs and I might have blockage in my heart again. I was afraid and thought no one cared. I was just another person, who happened to be a writer and an author, but who was insignificant in this great big world. And then the unimaginable happened. You reached out to me with love and support and your words nurtured me. You gave me the gift of learning how to open up and receive. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

HONOR YOUR MOTHER

I understand that Earth Day is April 22, but I am of a mind to celebrate Earth Day every day. 

I have always felt an affinity with the earth, but as I get older, and hopefully wiser, my affinity for our dear mother grows. For me, earth is not just about the ground I stand on, it is about all of nature, all that grows in the earth, all of the waters and everything that moves upon it and in it. 

Living in the woods, I am very aware of the trees and the life-giving oxygen they provide for me. I love trees, I notice trees everywhere I go. I pay attention to their shape, leaves, limbs, roots, color and width and height, Trees fascinate me and I find solace in them  Often, I walk up to a tree and wrap my arms around it while pressing my forehead, 3rd eye, against the trunk. I breath in its strength and its resilience. Sometimes, when I am alone and I get afraid,  I take comfort in being surrounded by trees and consider them to be my sentinels.

I love to walk on the earth barefoot. I take my shoes off often and plant my feet in the earth, and remember this earth, mother earth, is what supports me. I draw her strength up into my feet and let it course through my body. 

I can't think of anything more refreshing than being in nature. It calls to me and soothes me and warms my heart. Watching the birds eat at their feeders and fly from tree to tree, and sing to the sky and to each other, reminds me that nature just is as it is. It makes no pretense to be anything other than what it is. Birds don't try to be fish, and dogs don't try to be cats and trees don't try to be animals. Nature is comfortable in being as it is and that impresses me. 

Watching plants grow, and animals live, reminds me of how benevolent creator energy is. Lifegiving rain falls on the just and the unjust, and the sun shines on us all. Beloved universal energy does not discriminate. We are all blessed with life giving air, water and sunshine. Even when it feels like we may have been forgotten, grace and mercy still surround us and creator energy is still enshrouding all. 

I believe the task of walking softly upon mother earth, falls to us all. It is up to each individual to do our part to preserve, nurture and honor our mother. Without her life giving gifts, we would all cease to exist. Let's not take her for granted and dishonor her. I pray we all teach our children and those around us the importance of respecting our earth and everything on it.