SO LONG 2025-HELLO 2026

 

SO LONG 2025, HELLO 2026

2025 is on its way out and I am shedding no tears as it walks out the door and into the past. The year was both good and not so good. In numerology, the year 2025 was a 9 year which means it carried the energy of endings, completions, and undoing. I gladly say goodbye to this year. 2026, which is a 1 year carries the energy of new beginnings, a starting point. I am looking forward to this year to see where the journey will take me, my loved ones, friends and my country. 

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Because I do believe every upset is a set up, and the treasure is often hidden in the dark,  I have been able to make it through the year with faith and hope still alive in my being. When life seems to be going south, I have a tendency, after I rebound from the hit, to look for the treasure hidden in the experience.  It seems I have done quite a bit of treasure hunting this year.

I experienced my share of days, and even weeks of feeling emptied out this year. I have not written or posted on this blog since March, 2025. I wanted to write but felt empty of words, thoughts, insights or imaginations. For a while, I really tried to manufacture something, but finally gave in to the inner knowing  that I needed to leave it alone and let it be.  This was hard for me because as a writer, I need to write. However, when there are no words, writing is impossible. I actually have had moments of thinking perhaps my love of writing and creating were at an end and I would never write again. 

I have been here before so I was familiar with the call to step aside and quit trying. When I gave up my resistance to going back into the emptiness and the no-thingness, I felt better and rested in the stage of life I found myself in.

Emptiness not only hit me in the area of writing, it also hit hard in my physical well being. Long haul covid continued to take its toll on me and added to that was degenerative disc disease in my C4-6. I suffered a lot and after months of pain management, I decided to see an orthopedic surgeon. In October I had an anterior discectomy and fusion. The recovery process of almost three months really hit me hard and there were times when I doubted I would ever feel good again. Once again, I finally gave up my resistance to feeling bad and went with the flow. I am now in physical therapy to regain my range of motion in my neck and to strengthen my neck, arms and back muscles.

The uptick in cruelty and just plain ugliness  from the top down in our country has thrown me for a loop. For a while, I felt like I had lost my balance and saw no hope for the saving of our democracy. However, as I gave up that struggle and decided to be an active participant in standing and marching for what my heart longs for, I began to see some light. Seeing the massive peaceful protests taking place on a daily basis in every corner of the country has filled me with hope.  I now believe the people can make a difference.

Through all of this, I have once again found the fullness that is present in the emptiness. There is no empty space. What looks and feels like it is empty, is really full. If nothing else, the emptiness is full of emptiness, and that is okay. I have continued to learn through experience that if I quit resisting what is, I can live in continued contentment and peace. 

If it feels empty, embrace it....let it be. If it feels like all creative energy has gone away, embrace it...let it be. If it feels like I will never regain my physical health and well being, embrace it....let it be.

Emptiness, aloneness, lack of motivation, doubt, the carrying out of cruelty to other humans and/or life forms used to worry me and cause me a lot of angst. Thankfully, I am learning to just let it be. Sometimes I cry my way through whatever is going on, other times I just sit with the sickness I feel inside over where life is taking me and over what is happening in my body, my country and the world.

My intentions, as we move into new 2026 energy, are to live life to the fullest, to continue to be aware of resistance to life and to give it up, to love myself unconditionally and to walk in light, love and kindness. 

Happy 2026!! May your journey through the year be light, bright, joyful and peaceful. 

BEING IN THE LIMINAL

Liminal-Transitional area between two places or states, such as between the past and the future or between one destination and another. It can be physical, emotional or psychological.

Being in the liminal is usually being in a place of uncertainty. There is a lot of doubt and not knowing when in this place. It also can be a place of emptiness.

I have been in the liminal quite a few times in my life. I once stayed in the liminal for close to four years. Though filled with discomfort, it turned out to be one of the most enlightening times in my life.

It happened after my first book was published,  I was busy promoting the book and myself as an author. I was writing articles and being published in many magazines. I was busy being my creative self. One day, I began to know in my core that it was time to give it all up and leave behind my identity as an author, as a blogger who had a world-wide following,  and as one who was on a path of success. I really struggled with this and it took a while for me to give in to the call to no/thingness (the liminal) and to walk into the unknown. 

Looking back at that time in my life, I feel intense gratitude for the call of the liminal. It started out as a very difficult place to be. I wanted to promote my book, I wanted to write, but I was empty and quickly realized I had nothing to say. I wanted to fill the space. I wanted to know. I wanted some certainty. What I did not want was the feeling of being hollowed out, a failure and worthless.

My book was not selling, I was not writing and I felt intense feelings of loneliness.

Thankfully, I began to give myself over to just being where I was. I found myself going within more and spending more quiet time alone. I spent a lot of time reading, breathing, walking in nature and just being. It was during that time when I felt the call to volunteer to be a Guardian ad Litem. Working in the court system with abused and neglected children changed my life, and I slowly began to experience a deep healing in my own inner, wounded child. 

If I had not answered the call to not only enter into the liminal, but to learn to live comfortably in it, I would have missed the entire healing experience. I would have been so busy with my life I would never have answered the call for a Guardian ad Litem. Life definitely changed for me, and as I reflect on that time, I am certain my life would not be what it is today.

I learned some deep truths in that quiet, liminal space:

1. The more I know, the more I know how much I do not know.

2. I do not know much, but what I do know, I know.

3. I became conscious of how unconscious I can be.

4. The empty places are really full-they are filled with emptiness, quiet, calm and bliss.

5. I learned to quit focusing on the bright, shiny stars and focus instead on the darkness between the stars. That is where the power lies.

6. I now know it is okay to be no/thing, in fact it is freeing to not have to try to be some/thing.

As I slowly began to come out of the liminal I started writing again. My book began to sell, and nine years later it is still selling worldwide. I am blogging again and I am in the process of completing a second book. 

When I quit fighting the liminal, I lost who I thought I was supposed to be, and found pieces of myself I did not even know I had. I am still meeting myself and becoming intimately acquainted with the real me. That does not mean I have answers, or certainty about anything. The difference is I can be okay in the uncertainty.

To those reading this, I want you to know: YOU MATTER, WHETHER YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF UNCERTAINTY OR NOT!! 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH EMPTINESS OR UNCERTAINTY!! JUST BE WITH IT AND ENJOY THE QUIET. 

YOU ARE LOVED, JUST BECAUSE....FOR NO REASON EXCEPT YOU ARE LOVABLE!!

JUST BE AND JUST BREATHE

I remember, after having open heart surgery in 2010, I heard a voice within saying, "the only thing required of you is to be and to breathe." Here is the story of how that came to be. 

I did not have a heart attack, in fact I did not even know I had any heart issues. I walked every day and was very active. I was sixty-eight and I felt great.

In 2010, I began to notice a tightness in my throat when I was walking. I went to my PCP thinking maybe I was having indigestion,. She gave me Prilosec to try, and since I was getting ready to fly to New Orleans for a two-week visit with my mother and family, she scheduled a stress test for me when I returned.

Two weeks later I had the stress test and had to be removed from the treadmill due to shortness of breath. They finished the tests chemically and I then had to sit and wait for a cardiologist to come talk to me.

He came in the room, introduced himself, and had a seat across from me. He said, "Ms. Marroy. You have blockage in your heart and we need to schedule you for a heart cath to see where the blockage is." You could have knocked me over with a feather. I remember saying back to him, "Are you talking to me?  I am healthy and active so this cannot be me." After assuring me it was me, he asked if there was heart disease in my family. I told him my mother had triple bypass, my uncle died from heart disease and my grandpa had angina. I also had high cholesterol at the time, but I mistakenly thought I was going to bypass the heart issues that ran in my family. I seriously had no clue that anything was wrong with my heart. 

I had the heart cath done in a couple of days and found out that because the blockage was in the bifurcation they would have to do a single bypass. The following week I was in the hospital having my chest sawed open.

I went through surgery fine and two days later they gave me a pill called Metoprolol, which caused my heart to stop for nine seconds. I was taken back to the CCC and kept there for twenty-four hours. When my heart regulated itself they took me back to my room and I was supposed to be discharged within two days.

The morning of my discharge, I went to stand up and down I went. My blood pressure had dropped and I hit the floor. They decided to keep me in the hospital longer.

By this time I was falling into a depression, Thankfully, my hospital room had a large window which faced Mill Mountain. For the next two days, as they continued to monitor me, I sat in a recliner by the window. The nurses has turned the chair for me so it faced the beautiful greener than green mountain.

I would sit in that chair and cry because I did not know where to go in life from where I was. Would there be restrictions on my life because of my heart? Would I have to change my way of life? I cried and I talked to Spirit, and I cried more and talked to Spirit more.

One day, in the midst of my depression and feeling of great loss, Spirit spoke back to me and I heard these words, "The only thing required of you, is for you to just be and just breathe." I knew there was nothing else to do at this point but to listen to what I heard. I felt a lightness within, and hope began to take hold of me as I let the enormity of what was being said to me sink in. 

I realized I was not being required to do anything-only be and breathe. This was the beginning of my understanding of the extreme difference between doing and being. I also came to realize we do not have to earn a living, we only have to breathe in order to be alive. There is nothing to do, nothing to earn. Just be and breathe.

Over the years, as I have consciously continued to practice being and breathing, I have come to appreciate more and more, the beauty of knowing that busyness does not get me to the peaceful, quiet place I long to be-only being and breathing can do that.

I no longer have to work for my sense of well-being. I don't have to strive for my inner peace, I only have to be and breathe.

I sometimes forget and catch myself thinking I need to do something, or run to and fro, or do things in a certain way so I will be seen as okay or so I can feel good about myself. Then I come to my senses and remember, all that is required of me is to be and to breathe.

It took depression, a sense of loss, and open heart surgery to change my life and bring me to a place of quiet within. I am very grateful for life, and for the breath of life that keeps me alive!! 

STILLNESS AND SILENCE

 

"True intelligence operates silently. Stillness is where creativity and solutions to problems are found." Eckhart Tolle

I am being called upon, once again, to return to a place of stillness. Because I have been physically ill for over a year and a half, and the medical industry has no answers for me, I have gotten into the habit of busily searching for a solution. In my quest to find answers to questions of, "What is wrong with me?" and "How do I heal my body from all of these debilitating symptoms?", I have become busy. I spend a lot of time reading and researching long covid websites. I joined a group of Survivors of Long Covid. I have gotten involved in research groups. I question others and listen carefully to what they have found to help ease the symptoms and attack the virus. I have tried different remedies, and some work and some don't. I have tried what the medical industry suggested, which was an inhaler, a nebulizer, and a respiratory rehab program. Neither helped, even though the rehab program did help to increase my core strength.

I finally remembered to STOP and return to the practice of stillness again. I quit the constant research, I gave up the hours spent reading about the virus' long term effects and how others were handling it all. I decided to settle on a daily regimen of supplements that seem to help ease some of the symptoms.  Besides my regular supplements, I take N-Acetyl L Cystine, Alpha Lipoic Acid and Quinol every day. I also recently added mushroom tinctures, Lions Mane and Turkey Tail Plus ,to my daily intake. These all help to a certain extent. 

However, I do believe the best relief I have gotten is from returning to a place of stillness, quiet and presence. I am back to resting my body more, listening carefully to the cues it is giving me about what I need, and what I don't need, watching what I eat, and being kind and gentle to myself. 

I find myself spending more time hugging my favorite tree, giving it love and gratitude while I draw strength from it, sitting quietly watching and listening to the birds at their feeders and sitting outside in the sun. I also am allowing myself much more time to commune with my sisters and spend time in their presence. 

Occasionally, I will tune in to the survivors websites and read their stories, or read about the latest clinical trials being done concerning long covid. Mostly, though I am trusting Spirit to lead me to where I need to go for help, and to give me wisdom and insight to know what choices to make for my health. 

I love stillness. I love quiet. I seldom turn my TV on in the daytime because I find comfort in silence. I notice the ticking of the clock, the sound of my cat scratching in her litter box, the squabbling of the squirrels as they chase each other up and down the trees, and the sounds of my neighborhood. 

Silence is golden, and I am grateful for the reminder to "just be quiet", trust, and let it be.  I believe stillness and quiet is a gift, that is there for the taking. It is up to each soul to choose it. It works for me, so I choose it with gratitude. 💖

AS THE DOOR CLOSES

 

I have said many times, and have known for years, that I am here to learn and to grow. Planet Earth is my school and life is my teacher. This may be true for all of us, we just are not all aware of it. 

Because I always look at life through the eyes of a hungry student, I look inside life for the ah-ha moments. I have learned that if I stay open and aware, the gift inside the experience will show itself. Well, I had another ah-ha moment this week and once again, I was shown the value of trusting spirit and letting go, knowing everything is as it should be, even when most of my senses are saying "Oh hell no," and I want to struggle with what is.

This week Paul, suddenly lost his job. He called me Wednesday morning to ask me to come pick him up in North Carolina, because he had been let go from the company. Paul has been truck driving for ten years, eight years with this company, and has a clean DMV record. This job kept him on the road from Sunday afternoon to Friday and the only day he could count on being home was Saturday.

For the past three months he has been looking for a local driving job, one where he could be home every day and on weekends. He has put in close to a hundred applications, all online of course, and the only calls he has received has been from over the road companies. 

I had given up hope that he would ever find anything local that paid what he needed to make, and that had good benefits. I had reconciled myself to the thought that he would probably be on the road forever because no local companies were calling him.

On Thursday morning, after losing his job the day before,  he got up, took a shower and grabbed a handful of resumes and copies of his DMV record, and headed for the door. He said he was going to go to a few local companies that hired CDL drivers and leave his resume. 

He arrived at the first company, walked into the office and told them who he was, that he was a local truck driver with over ten years experience and he was looking for a job where he could be home every day. The person in charge looked at his resume, asked him if he could take a drivers test and off they went in the company truck. When they got back to the office he sent Paul for a drug screen and to his have his fingerprints done. When that was done they gave him a packet of employee papers and told him to come home and fill them all in and return them the next day. He was hired. The job pays what he was making and has full benefits. Hallelujah!!

The lesson, the ah-ha moment in this, was when spirit reminded me that I had been told, "when one door closes, another one opens."  I already knew that if the door was closing and I was too afraid to walk out, creator energy would see to it that I left, even if the door had to be slammed shut on me.

That is what happened this week. Paul had been looking for local work, knowing it was time to come home and to leave this company he had been with for years. He wanted a local job but was also hesitant in his heart about leaving the company.  I believe the universe intervened and made him leave so he would be free to job search for something local.

When this happened, I remembered an incident in my life. Back in the 1980's I was in a business partnership with another woman. We owned a management consultant firm and we specialized in working with orthodontic offices. 

After about a year and a half of running our business together, she had a big change in her life. She joined an evangelical church and was gung ho on her new religion. She began to proselytize me and though I told her I was not interested, she continued in her quest to bring me into the fold.  The more I resisted, the more she insisted, and it finally became a struggle. Nothing I did or said was right and we were at odds with each other. I knew I needed to bow out of that partnership and go out on my own, but I was afraid to do that. I did not have the financial means to start my own business, plus I lacked the confidence to go on my own, so I kept trying to work with her, while laying low.

Finally, because I did not have the courage to walk out, she had the locks changed, so when I went to work I could not get in the building. I thought about putting up a fight but something in me knew I needed to walk away, and that another door was going to open. My investment in the business was more knowledge of how to run an orthodontic office, rather than financial. 

About two weeks later my family came to visit and I has a chance to talk to my grandfather. I told him what had happened and that I wanted to open my own consulting business. I had already written a newsletter to send out to introduce my new venture and just needed the capital to buy a national mailing list, a few office machines and a post office permit for bulk mailing. My grandfather offered to give me the money I needed and I was able to move forward with my own venture.

I ran that business for many years and became quite successful as a consultant,  regional and national speaker, seminar leader and trainer.  Eventually I closed the business down because it was time to move on.

In both of these stories, the lesson has been to trust the closed door and let life take us in a new direction. I also learned that I could count on spirit to move me when I needed to move, but refused to do so, due to fear. 

Change is scary, and I am very grateful that even when I have resisted change, it has happened anyway. Creator energy continues to move in mine and Paul's life, as it moves in all of our lives. I think we miss growth and change when we hard-heartedly resist life. It may not always look like it is going in the direction we think it should be going, but I do believe it goes in the direction that is most productive for our growth and healing. 

As the door closes, let it close, and just wait for another door to open.

CAUGHT IN A SHIFT STORM-PART II

 Last week, on Wednesday,  I wrote about feeling like I was in a shift storm, being tossed around and caught in a whirlwind. In that blog, I shared part of chapter one from the book Illusions. It was about the creatures living at the bottom of the crystal river clinging to twigs and stones for fear of what would happen if they let go. And then one day, one creature made the decision to let go, and though bruised and battered from hitting the rocks, he eventually made it to the surface where he was able to float along in peace. After reading that piece, I made the decision to do what the creature did, and let go, quit clinging to what was and what I knew, and let the current take me into the unknown. 

Friday morning, while once again contemplating on the changes happening in my body and my life, and thinking about my on again and off again fear and anxiety about life, I had an important memory come to the surface.  The memory that surfaced happened about  twenty-five years ago, and I had forgotten about it. On Friday morning, it showed up, and after sitting still and re-living the entire event,  I began to to see what I needed to see.

I now share the details of this event with you:

I was on a white water rafting trip on the Nantahala river in North Carolina. It was a beautiful day for rafting and the day was going smoothly. We had been on the water for about an hour or two and were coming to the end of the class II rapids. Since we were getting into a smooth flowing, though rapid current, I relaxed my body. I was sitting on the edge of the raft with my feet curled under, looking forward to standing on dry land.  Suddenly we hit a small rapid, and when the raft jolted I fell backwards and into the river. Before I knew it, I was, being carried down the river by the swift current.

I could hear the guide on the raft hollering at me to turn myself around. One rule of riding the rapids is, if you fall out of the raft you want to do what you can to position yourself so you are going downstream feet first. If you go head first you stand the chance of slamming into a boulder and if you hit the same boulder foot first you could jam your spine. It seems it is better to hit feet first, if you are going to hit at all.

I do not know how I did it, but I managed to maneuver my body around so I was going feet first. What I could not do, due to the swift current, was make it back to the raft.

It was early spring so the river was still fairly shallow and there were a lot of boulders on the river bed. As I was carried downstream I was in a state of panic, and I was taking in water. I could feel the fear overwhelming me and I really thought I might either drown or wind up paralyzed for life from having my back hit all the boulders in the water as I floated down stream.

Somehow, and I really do not know how, in the midst of being carried away by the current, I had the knowing within that I needed to quit struggling and let myself go with the current. I don't know how I did it, but I did let go and allow myself to be swept away. The fear did not leave me, but in spite of the fear, I was somehow able to let go.

Shortly after, I heard a voice hollering, "Grab the oar." Without opening my eyes I reached my right hand over and there was the oar. The raft had finally reached me and I was able to grab hold of the oar. I was quickly pulled back into the boat.

I do not know how long the entire episode lasted. It felt like hours but was probably just a few minutes. When I was pulled back onto the raft I could not sit down.

Later, when I went to the doctor to be checked I found out I had a broken tailbone and severe spine and back bruises. I sat on a donut for almost a year before the break mended enough for me to sit without padding.

I believe this memory resurfaced at this time, because it was another reminder of my need to go with the flow and not fight the current. I do not know where the current will take me because I can't see ahead, and I do not know all the ramifications of the shifts and changes happening. I am doing my best to relax into the flow and take it as it comes.  I will continue to do this unless and until I can hit dry land again.

ISN'T LIFE IRONIC?

 Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you

When you think everything's okay and everything's going right

And life has a funny way of helping you out when

You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

The above is a verse from Alanis Morisette's song, "Ironic."  Ironic means contradictory and paradoxical.

Lately, life has held a lot of irony for me. One day, or one moment, I am in a funk, and the next I am okay. It's like the funk sneaks up on me and when I think it all sucks, the sun comes out and it is a beautiful day. 

It has been about a year since I have felt good in my body. I so often find myself dragging and I seem to spend more time resting. For most of my life, I have been a high energy person. I usually feel okay in body, mind and spirit. However, since starting with this shortness of breath and fatigue issues, my get up and go seems to have gotten up and went. 

I have no diagnosis. My heart checks out A-okay and except for a ground glass nodule on my lungs, they seem to be okay also. According to my pulmonologist, the nodule could disappear on its own, or it could grow. She will keep an eye on it, and other than that all is okay. So, I go from day to day pacing myself, going slower and resting when I am out of breath. I have no answers for why my body is doing what it is doing so I do all I know to do, which is to take care of myself, nurture my body and soul and be kind, gentle and responsive to whatever my body is calling me to do in the moment. 

I seem to go up and down from deep contentment for where I am and for the miracle of life and love, to deep despair for what is happening in my body. Sometimes when I feel the worse, I walk outside and feel the sun on my face and see the beautiful trees standing tall and strong, and I feel an overwhelming sense of joy and gratitude. Other times, I am having a good day so I decide to take a walk and before I know it I am exhausted and short of breath and I have to come inside and hit the couch. 

It is all ironic to me. I feel good, then I feel bad. I feel happy, then I feel sad. I think everything is going to be okay and then it falls apart. I think nothing is working and I will never feel good again, then something happens and I have hope.

I am not sure where I go from here, and I take life a day at a time and a moment at a time. I still have hope that I will get my breath and my energy back. In the meantime I go with what I have and continue to live as fully as possible. I am getting acupuncture and chiropractic. My friend Tom has done remote Reiki on me. My friend, Kathy, is paying for me to have a sound healing session and I am earthing. I also am thanking my body for continuing to breathe and for giving me the energy I need to get up every day and be here. So, we'll see what happens, because in the end, it is what it is!!

More on Resistance and Surrender

 

I recently wrote about surrender and had no intention of writing about it again. However, life has a different intention for me because I often find myself in situations where I am being called upon to make a choice. Do I surrender or do I resist.  

Before I get to writing more about surrender, I want to focus on the opposite of surrender, which is to resist.  The word resist means to set back, to oppose actively, to ward off.  Please know this: resistance does create anger and anger can create resistance.

For most of us, our first instinct, when something is not going the way we want it to go, is to resist.  It is so easy to get angry about life and others and to build a case for the anger. However, when we choose the anger that resistance creates, we inadvertently bring distress to our sensitive nervous systems. Doing this to our self actually creates a storm of inner violence and is very stressful to our bodies and our psyches. 

Resisting is an attempt to control and one of the biggest fear mechanisms we all possess is "control."  If we can control, or attempt to control, we ward off having to face unpleasant feelings, especially fear.  Control is a powerful offshoot of fear. We fear that which is different, so we attempt to control it. We may fear anger so we attempt to control our own and others expression of anger. We may fear sadness and tears so we attempt to control all expression of sadness. We may fear feeling shame or embarrassment so we attempt to control anything and anyone whose behavior may elicit shame within. 

We can fool ourselves into thinking we are strong when we are "in control" but this is not necessarily so. Real strength comes in being able to let go. Due to the experience of learning to let go, especially when it comes to others and their choices in life, I find myself experiencing a deeper sense of inner peace and a heightened sense of gratitude. I have found that the deepest peace and contentment I have ever felt came from surrender to what is. 

I am not saying surrender is easy, because often it is not. But it is the way of the peaceful warrior. I can fight against or I can stand for in gratitude and self care,

There are some things I can change, and when I can, I do. I am aware that most of what I can change has to do with me and not others behaviors, attitudes or choices. I can choose to cut down on how much chocolate I eat or how many martinis I have. I can hold my tongue and check myself before I say something mean or inappropriate. These are all within my control and to change them does not interrupt the smooth functioning of my nervous system or cause harm to myself. 

As humans living in this world we will always be faced with choices in life. It is up to each of us to decide whether we want to live a peaceful life or if we want to fight life. For me, I choose peace.