DISAPPOINTING OTHERS

 

DISAPPOINTING OTHERS

I have been thinking about a line in Oriah Mountain Dreamer's poem,, The Invitation.

    "It doesn't interest me if the story you are tellig me is true. I want to know if you can 

    disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and

    not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and trustworthy."

These verses have resurfaced in my mind as I have pondered some recent happenings in my life and in the lives of those around me.

It is a risky act to do what feels right for self, and in that action to disappoint another. It is risky to say no when we know soneone is waiting for us to say yes, because it is what they need to hear. We put ourselves at risk often when we tell the truth about what we think, feel or believe. I am becoming increasingly aware of when others do not really want to hear my truth about what I feel, dislike or like because they need me to like or dislike what they like or dislike. 

As humans, we tend to become disappointed, and sometimes even angry, when otthers do not agree with what we see or feel. I believe we all do this to a certain extent and instead of letting otthers have their own feelings and thoughts about life, behaviors, attitudes and beliefs, we becone disappointed. Hurt often accompanies disappointment. 

I am seeing what a great burden we place on others when we require them to agree with us and say and do what we need and expect them to do or say. It is an unfair burden and though it is usually done without any forethought or malice, it is nevertheless placing an unfair burden on someone else. 

I remember when I first read the lines from the quote above, how confused I felt by it. I had a difficult time making sense of disappointing another to be true to myself.  Because I spent so much of my life as a "yes" person in my need for approval  it was next to impossible for me to disagree and i.e. disappoint another.  Being disapproved of was too great a risk for me.

Gratefully as I grow within myself and learn to be with who I am, I am coming to a place of understanding the importance of authenticity and how sometimes I have to say no. Learning to be true to myself means speaking truth and doing the hard thing....even when and if it disappoints another.

Those who know me know I am about love and kindness. I enjoy seeing people happy and I readily admit that it feels good to be liked and approved. I don't like disappointing others, however I like even less the feeling I have when I betray myself by pretending to be other than who I am. 

I want to be seen as trustworthy-- one who, when asked the hard questions, I can answer truthfully and always with love and compassion.

YOU ARE.....

You are......Worthy, lovable, deserving of peace and awesome.

No matter what you do, what your job is, how much you own, how big or small your house is, how much or how little money you have, or what kind of car you drive. No matter what!! You are a worthwhile human who matters. How do I know this? Because we are all created by the creator in the image of the creator. We are all spirit beings in a human body, here on planet earth, having a human experience. We tend to forget our inherent self-worth when we get entangled in the lower reaches of our humanity and forget we are living, breathing souls walking around in a human body.

I lived for years out of a deep sense of unworthiness and shame. I knew all the things I had done and said, as a human, over the years. I said many unkind things to many people, I reacted often in anger and self-righteousness, I did things that were unbecoming and I reacted too many times in ugliness. I self-aggressed through giving others control of my body so I could have a few minutes of acceptance, through eating unhealthy foods and burning the candle at both ends. I put myself in harms way by acting stupidly with no thought of what the outcome might be.

I didn't do it all, but I did a lot. And I did it all with no realization that I was self-aggressing, and definitely no idea at all that underneath all the indignities and harm I put myself through, there was a worthwhile being living in my body. I did not know that I deserved to be nurtured, treated kindly and loved for who I was.

It was the early 1980's when I consciously realized something was missing. I had already left organized religion and was flirting with new age beliefs. I had completed the est training and was slowly waking up to life, spirituality and myself.  I was on a journey of self-realization and did not know it at the time. I longed for authenticity and somehow knew in order to be authentic, I would have to find out who I really was underneath all the crap I lived out of and believed to be true. I wanted to reach a higher level of consciousness because somehow I knew there was more to life than what I knew and believed. I put my foot on the path to uncovering myself, healing my childhood wounds and finding my self-worth.

I have been on this path for forty-three years and am still uncovering pieces of myself that were tucked away deep within my being.  I have learned first hand how we tuck away and deeply cover over the parts of us that others say, by word or deed, are unlovable and unacceptable parts. I am talking about those parts like: you are lazy, stupid, dumb, ugly, fat, skinny, a slut or a Romeo, too short or too tall, not like your brother, sister or cousin, or too much like your mom, dad or other family member, you can't do anything right, your nose is too big, you are mean, etc. I hope you get the drift. 

I want to be clear that words and deeds that affect our sense of self-worth are not always spoken in anger. Most parents do love their children and have no intention of harming their child. However, most parents also have a deep (usually unspoken and often unacknowledged) desire for the child to be a certain way. This is where the problem comes in. Unavailable, or unwilling to face their own pain, they live with unhealed childhood wounds and act out of their own wounding. It is just what we do, without meaning to destroy a child's self-worth, and cause the child to think something is flawed within. As children, we usually bend to the status quo because that is how we get the approval we need from our caretakers. 

And, so the cycle continues. Deeply wounded people with low self worth create more deeply wounded people with low self worth. I know so many who are trapped in their shame based life who either go within and are too afraid to use their voice, and they become silent.  Or they become hooked on control as a way of believing they are always right.  That way they can pretend they have good self worth. I leaned more towards the latter, but was silent a lot also for fear of saying something that would make someone not like me. It really is a vicious cycle, but thankfully its a cycle that can be broken. 

The best part of my healing journey,  and the most painful part, has been and still is, going within and identifying my core issues so I can bring them to light. This is called shadow work. This is where I am seeing my true self and giving myself permission to be who I am, forgiving myself and loving myself as I am, with all of my flaws. I am learning to allow myself to be perfectly imperfect.

I am now at a place where I can acknowledge anger, shame, anxiety, fear, brokenness, sadness or any of the "negative" emotions we humans usually do not want to be associated with. I am learning that whatever I feel is okay. It is just what I feel and to make some feelings good and some bad is part of the low self worth cycle. Because we may have been taught that something is wrong with us if we feel a certain way does not mean it is true. I have been taught many things in life by well meaning people that I have found out are not true. When we can give self permission to feel whatever we feel without making self wrong, we can be real. 

As I have said before, "The more I know, the more I know how much I don't know. But, what I do know, I know." And, this is something I know: underneath our angst, doubt, fear and worry lies a deep vein of love, peace and joy. It is there, often buried under the stories we tell ourselves about life. Be willing to mine for the gold, mine for the diamonds. What we all long for is already here,  stuffed under the buried, but still there, parts we consider unacceptable.

Know this:

You are.... a worthwhile human, a lovable soul, you deserve to be at peace within. You deserve to know and honor your worth. You are loved, loving and lovable.

YOU MATTER GREATLY!!

ABANDONMENT

 I know what abandonment looks like and feels like because I am one of the estimated 98% of people in the world who have experienced being abandoned. 

Over the years, I have learned that abandonment is far deeper than being physically left. Many believe that having two parents in the home precluded abandonment. However, that is not true. We can be raised by parents who are present for everything and still have abandonment issues. 

Children suffer abandonment and develop abandonment issues when they are not seen or heard for who they are, not respected or honored, called names, made to feel stupid or insufficient, shamed for one reason or another, not loved for who they are, have their thoughts and ideas trivialized, treated like they are in the way, and/or told they are a pain in the ass and they are driving the caretaker crazy. Anything that makes a child feel they are not enough or something is wrong with them, creates the pain of abandonment. 

Due to being physically abandoned by my daddy, and being raised by adults who were loving, but emotionally unavailable, I grew up with huge abandonment issues. My family loved me and they meant well, but in their inability to see me for who I was, they failed to understand my pain and loneliness. Most parents have an idea of who and what their child is supposed to be, and when the child cannot conform to that ideal, the child is usually made wrong. In the process of making the child wrong for being their own unique self, the pain of not being accepted usually transforms into the internal belief that something must be wrong with the child. This is what happened to me. I developed the internal belief that I was flawed, something had to be wrong with me since I could not be more like my brother, since my daddy left me and since I could not seem to measure up to what I was "supposed" to be. 

Doing what only a child could do, thinking my mother, grandmother and grandfather had to be right since they were the adults and the parents, I developed the belief that something was wrong with me. I spent umpteen years living out that story. After many therapy sessions and years of working on healing my inner child, I came to a place where I was able to step out of the story.

Unfortunately, our story about who we are informs our life. It is like we are being led around with a ring in our nose and we can't pull away from it for fear of having our nose ripped open. That is how huge an impact our story about self has on our life.

As I began to peel the layers away and become acquainted with my abandonment issues, my life began to change in both small and large ways.  My story about who I was began to change as I realized I was not flawed and I was not lazy, nor was I a pain in the ass. Instead, I became aware of how loving and kind I was. I learned that who I am is who I am supposed to be. I gradually saw my good traits and I began to accept myself exactly as I was and where I was. As these changes were happening on the inside, I was changing on the outside. Where I used to be afraid to say "no" or to be confrontational, I found it became easier to say "no" and to stand up for myself. I no longer felt the need to deny being who I am in order to be accepted or pleasing to others. 

A big part of having abandonment issues is the issue of self-abandonment. The abandonment of self is an insidious disease that eats away at the core of life. It hides itself well until we are ready to see it for what it is. 

Self-abandonment manifests itself in personal attacks on self, in what I call mind games, such as: an overactive mind with no shutoff valve, constant worry, driving self crazy trying to figure things out, listening to the criticizing parent in our head, self-doubt, calling self names like stupid, failure etc. not forgiving self for mistakes and driving self to do everything better, to be better, to be perfect.

We also practice self-abandonment through inattention to our body and its needs, such as: eating a lot of unhealthy food, not resting when tired, carrying unnecessary stress and shallow breathing.

Self-abandonment manifests in our need to focus more on the outer instead of the inner, such as: trying to look better on the outside thinking that is how to get approval, constantly buying more stuff, being five sensory instead of multi-sensory.

When we are ready to face our abandonment issues and see ourselves for who we truly are we begin the process of  remembering how magnificent we were, how we believed we could do anything, we could sing off key at the top of our voice and we could dance without rhythm in front of a crowd. It feels so good to remember how beautiful we were and how present to life we were before we were shamed for not being enough or for not being who "they" thought we should be. 

Coming home is the journey to that which was left behind when the abandonment issues began. It is a reclaiming of our authentic self, that one we came here to be. All it takes to make the journey is a willing, courageous heart and the desire to reconnect to our magnificent self. 

A CALL TO WOMEN

 This is a repost of some of a blog I wrote in 2011, right around Mardi Gras time in New Orleans. Since yesterday was Mardi Gras, I felt it time to pull this article out of the archives, rewrite it and post it again.

A CALL TO WOMEN

I was watching a clip of Mardi Gras festivities and remembered all the Mardi Gras parades I have attended. Something that happens often at the parades is: the men on the float will holler at the girls who are screaming "throw me something mister", "Show me your tits." If the girls comply, they might get thrown a nicer pair of Mardi gras beads. 

It has always been shocking to me how many girls will lift their shirt and show their breasts so they can be thrown a pair of cheap Mardi Gras beads. I have often wanted to throw a blanket over these girls and give them a dollar so they can go buy a pair of Mardi Gras beads.

I am very aware of how many women think it is necessary to entertain men with their bodies.  Not just women, but young girls who are being misled to act and dress sexy so they can be approved by the boys. I feel sick in my gut when I ask a young preteen to pose for a picture and she purses her lips and strikes a sexy pose. When are women going to quit dressing and behaving like sex objects, like we are a piece of meat on display, so the one with the biggest, firmest breast and nicest butt will be the ones who get picked.  Is it because women are taught from a young age that we are here to pleasure men? Perhaps there is something wrong with a society that has so much disrespect for women, including women disrespecting other women.

When I hear talk about how far women have come,  I wonder what planet these people live on. I understand the rumor is that we have come a long way baby. We have brilliant women in politics, in the military, the aerospace industry and the medical industry. In fact, we have brilliant women in most industries, and I am thrilled with this. But, is that all we are interested in as women? I certainly am not downplaying the right and the awesomeness of women having jobs in what for many years has been considered a man's world. However, I say we need to take the next and highest step, which is having and receiving respect that comes from knowing we belong to ourselves, and not to men. 

With my eyes wide open I watch how women go about in the world. It is still basically a man's world because the patriarchal system is alive and well. In fact, the number of women who still dress, behave and talk like they are a sex object and they belong to men, is staggering. Something is off when we live in a world where women, from teenagers up, are obsessed with breast augmentation, blowing up their lips, dressing as skimpy as possible, and giving themselves away for a wink, a smile, a date, a pair of beads or approval.

Women are not here to be exploited. We are beautiful, brilliant, nurturing and strong and it is powerful to realize we belong to ourselves and the sisterhood, not to men,. We deserve respect, and when we quit dressing and behaving like life does not matter unless we get a second look from a man, we may start to be treated like the goddesses we are.

Before you start writing me hate letters, let me tell you that I love  the brotherhood of men. I have an awesome husband who respects me and my right to personhood, autonomy and control over my body. When we discuss this topic, he reminds me that many, many men are chauvinists who do believe they own women. He and I agree that we are all playing the roles we were taught to play as little girls and little boys. If our roles had been defined differently, we would be acting different. So, I do not hate men. What I despise is the patriarchal system that wants to put women down, own us, use us for their pleasure, deny us our rights and freedoms and put our health care at risk. 

There have been pockets of women at different times in our culture, who have fought for the rights of women to be treated as equals. We have made strides in the business world, but personally I want more than to be able to wear pants, smoke a cigar, play football on a man's team, be the president ,or own a large corporation. These are tokens. Being seen as equal means being treated with respect for my personhood, not being treated as the weaker sex who needs to be conquered and who has no right to a credit card or a checkbook. 

Listen up ladies!! We carry babies in our womb and we birth them, we nurse them and raise them, we are the managers  of our homes. and I have no doubt if women ruled the world we would be a much more peaceful world.  We can bring home the bacon, fry it in a pan and serve it to ourselves and our families. Do not allow yourself to be treated as a sex object or a second class citizen  We are not meant to be defined by men. We have value and worth no matter how old we are, what we look like or who we choose to be in relationship with. 

Women have had to fight for their rights. We fought for the right to vote, to control our bodies, to have a credit card and a bank account, to own property, to get the same education as men and to speak in churches. These rights have all been handed to men, (if they are white men). Stand up in your power ladies and be seen and heard, not as a sex object but as the strong woman you are. And, while you are standing up for yourself, stand up for the entire sisterhood please.

YOU MATTER MY SISTERS!!  

Bye-Bye to 2024

2024 has been one of the busiest years I can remember. It has been a year filled with activity, fun, a lot of visitors, travel, sadness, sickness, loss and gain, darkness followed by insight, disappointment, hope, anger, and yet, through it all, I have had peace within. 

I finished putting together my new book, an anthology for and about women. Thanks to the 22 women who courageously wrote their stories and submitted them to me, I have an inspiring book to offer the women of the world. Hopefully, it will be published in 2025. My new book title is From There to Here.

My year started with my catching the flu and feeling really bad. At the same time, Paul and I adopted a rambunctious, strong-willed puppy. As our puppy physically grew and got bigger and stronger, so did his strong will. Finally, after six week of training and his pulling me and walking me, we decided we needed to rehome him. We had both fallen in love with him but I knew I could not handle him. He went to a really good home and whenever I hear from the people who took him, he seems to be happy and a part of their family. 

In March, after a CT scan of my lungs, I was told I had a sessile mass in the first portion of my duodenum and I needed to have an endoscopy to see what it was. For some reason, this did not ring true for me. After being sent to a GI doctor who strongly suggested the endoscopy, I agreed to have the procedure done. On the day of the test, I told the doctor I was there so we could all rule out that there was a mass. I felt it was a shadow on the scan. I was right! There was no mass, so that was put to bed. Hallelujah.

Thanks to my son, Mac, we saw a lot of live theater this year. We started the year with The Simon and Garfunkel Story, followed by Life and Times of the Temptations, Jersey Boys (for the 3rd time), To Kill a Mockingbird, Celtic Women, Frankie Valli and Mama Mia. 

Our home seemed to be filled with guests all throughout the year, plus we did a fair bit of traveling. In May one of my granddaughters got married so the family met in Charlotte, NC for a couple of days. In July, we flew to North Georgia for a 4th of July family reunion. In August, I rode to Boone, NC with a friend and spent 4 days with a close sister friend and also spent the night in Abingdon with my daughter, Angela. I flew to New Orléans in August to be with my great-grandson on his 15th birthday. In October, I drove to Pennsylvania to spend 4 days with another sister friend. It was a busy year.

In March, we began the construction of our new screened in porch and deck. Paul designed and built it so we were involved every weekend for 3 months. Because we were so involved in this project we did not get to take our annual motorcycle vacation. 

This year, I learned to deal better and more consciously with my long covid and its myriad symptoms. I am happy to report that for the most part the extreme fatigue is gone. I still get tired and have to get in  my recliner for a nap and a rest, but that is nowhere near as bad as it had been. I now use a broncho-dilator to help open my airways and that that has helped me to breathe a little easier. Since the medical profession has no answers,I am learning to manage this disease by advocating for myself. I read clinical trial results, I am active on long covid websites and I now take different medicinal mushrooms, which seem to be helping in some areas. 

I consider 2024 to be a good year, one that I have enjoyed immensely. It has probably been one of my better years in recent times.

I will be 83 in January and I do look forward to celebrating another trip around the sun, however I am not looking forward to 2025. I strongly sense the incoming tide of darkness, chaos, uncertainty and mayhem that are on the horizon. I have a certain amount of fear and dread over what it looks like is going to happen to Medicare, Social Security, social services for the indigent, insurance for the masses, Medicaid, Head Start for the children and health care for women. I shudder to think that the least of our society, children and the elderly, may no longer be cared for. It sickens me in my gut to know women who are suffering miscarriages are bleeding out in hospital waiting rooms and their own homes because doctors are too afraid to treat them, for fear of going to jail. In my world, this is insanity. Truthfully, I have no hope of this getting better in 2025. 

Even without hope for a better world next year, I am still walking into 2025 filled with love, determination and kindness for the planet and its inhabitants. I am determined to walk and stand in light and to stay present. I pray for courage to stand strong and resist that which is against my values and morals, as I stand strong for the rights of all citizens of this country and the world. We are all members of the same family and what affects the least of us affects us all. 

This will be my last blog of the year, so adios, peace out and I will talk to you next year. 

Self-Acceptance

Due to events happening in my life, I am becoming acutely aware that my two closest companions are sadness and loneliness. In the past few months I have had some life-altering experiences that have changed my perspective on myself and on how and why I react to certain circumstances the way I do. The events did not alter my life externally, but they caused an earthquake within, which is good. As I have practiced taking a step back and looking within for insight into my reactions, I have been blessed with an awareness and an understanding of what I have been carrying within.  This is when I  began to clearly see the depth of my sadness and loneliness. 

For years, or at least since I have been on this remarkable soul- healing journey, I have pathologized these feelings. It felt natural to classify them as wrong and unhealthy, especially in a society that prizes happiness, feeling good and always "being fine." I have found this  to be true, not only in society in general, but especially in religious and spiritual beliefs. Somehow, there is a misguided belief out there that if you are in relationship with creator energy, all is supposed to be hunky-dorey, pie in the sky for you. I call bullcrap on that.

Thankfully, my understanding of the healing journey is evolving and I am aware of how often I label sadness and loneliness as a sign of something being wrong. I viewed these feelings as harbingers of something being askew, as a message that I needed to be fixed or healed or somehow processed so the feelings could morph into something more positive and acceptable to myself and to the society we live in. I have even questioned whether I maybe needed to raise my vibration so I would not have these feelings. By the way, the answer to that question is a big, resounding NO. The correct answer is to accept and embrace what I become aware of. This process is called "becoming an authentic human being."

What a relief it has been to get to the place of understanding feelings only need to be accepted and embraced. There is nothing wrong with sadness or loneliness. It is okay to feel broken, or down or in doubt. It is okay to stay close to the feelings and open to the place within where the sadness and loneliness dwell. When we have these feelings they are not coming to us from someplace outside of self, they are coming up from within. We already own them. 

When we are willing to quit pretending all is well and allow Self to go beneath the feeling, we can own our true Self and let the healing in.

We are all human, therefore, we all are a conglomeration of feelings, thoughts and insights. We also all walk around with our abandoned feelings stuffed away in deep and dark places within. Modern psychology calls this our shadow self. 

God forbid we should admit to anyone, or anyone would see our sadness or loneliness, or fear, or doubt. Most of us want to show the world a "put together" person, someone who is "fine", fit and able. The last thing we want to admit to self or others is our buried, stuffed way down, doubt and fear, sadness and other emotions. So we pretend we have it all together and we are above it all. 

In reality, those feelings we work so hard to keep hidden, do show up and they usually appear in ways we don't like. They tend to show up as impatience, jealousy, rage, extreme control and through the need to shame and blame someone else for what we feel. 

All feelings are a gift waiting to be opened and acknowledged, so once we see it, we can begin to embrace it as the opportunity it is, which is a chance to love our Self in our entirety. A chance to embrace what we considered  unembraceable and to give it warmth and acceptance. When we get to this place, life is easier because we no longer have to wrestle with our unacceptable feelings. We can just acknowledge them and be at peace.

In doing this I have gotten very clear that the feeling of loneliness is not to be confused with the reality of aloneness. They are nothing alike, in fact they are not even related. I can be alone and not lonely and I can be in a crowd and be lonely. I like being alone. I actually covet quiet and solitude. Loneliness is different in that it is about separation and includes the expression of longing. For me, this translates to the longing to return to my true self, to the entirety of who I am. I believe many of us long for wholeness, for authenticity, for the ease of being who we are, without having to pretend to be who we think we are supposed to be. 

Christmas is near and in the spirit of giving I have made a conscious decision to continue to give myself to myself. This is a gift no one can give me, it has to come from within. Self-acceptance, self-kindness and transformation is our birthright and is there for the taking.

This holiday season, I hope we all make a decision to give ourselves the greatest gift of all, which is Self-love and acceptance.  May your holidays be truly happy and filled with peace and love.

ACCEPT YOUR ORPHANS

 Life is not always a pretty package tied with a beautiful satin bow. Sometimes the package is wrapped in plain brown paper and tied with a scruffy piece of string.

Sometimes I am surefooted and certain, and other times I am not sure about life or where I am going. There are moments when I am full of faith and the next moment I may have doubt. Some days I float along in joy, and other days sadness is my closest friend. Sometimes I sing, sometimes I cry. I have days of loving everything and everybody, and moments of anger, mistrust, fear and disappointment. THIS IS LIFE!!

We are whole beings and our journey here is about evolution of our soul. In order to evolve into our wholeness, our authenticity, we have to encounter and welcome back those parts that were split off and fractured. We must own our doubt, fear, sadness, anger and sense of inadequacy and shame. These are the orphans of our soul that have been cast aside because we do not like how they look or feel. We may think they are "unspiritual" and try to ignore them, deny them, get rid of them or pretend they are not there. We cast them out like a red-headed stepchild, and leave them on the doorstep of life hoping we will not have to deal with them, acknowledge them or give them a name. They become our orphans and we can spend countless hours pretending they do not exist; even when they do.

Because we are conscious, spiritual beings does not mean we always are on the up side and have nothing but positive thoughts and experiences. The authentic life is filled with both darkness and light. 

In order to be seen and acknowledged our orphans sometimes clamor for attention. They can be like a kid needing attention, who pulls on his mother's skirt or his father's pants leg. We may push them away, but they will continue to come back and pull on our skirt or pants leg again and again. Denying them access to light will not make them go away because they are already a part of our being. They may go into hiding for a while and make us think they are gone, but when we least expect it, they reappear. 

Someone may cut in front of us in line and we are ready to snatch them by the hair, or we may drop and break a dozen eggs on the floor and we have a meltdown. A person says something to us that activates our sense of shame and we go into attack mood. Rage, name calling, meltdowns, screaming at others, giving the finger to someone, needing to control people and things, and cursing objects or people are all part of the human experience that most of us would rather not acknowledge. They are our orphans. We do not like to think of ourselves as being less than perfect so we deny what we think is imperfect and unacceptable. 

Here's the thing. Denial does not make anything magically disappear. 

Until we learn to embrace our orphans and bring them into the light, while being open to seeing them fully, we will not be able to experience our fullness. Recognizing and accepting them as a part of our being is what shifts us into a place of authenticity and wholeness. THEY ARE ALREADY THERE!!

We all have orphans, those parts of self we disown and do our best to not let them see the light of day. God help us if someone should see our whole self.

We will always be missing a part of our selves, until we love, nurture and nourish our entire being, even the parts we don't like. It is safe to make space for the fractured and disallowed parts of self. Give your orphans a  home. Embrace them. Shower them with love and allow yourself to be at peace with your authenticity, and keep in mind that we are all perfectly imperfect.

A FEW THINGS I HAVE LEARNED

 

One of the good things about living as long as I have, is being able to sit and take notice of what I have learned over the years. I am 82 and still learning, and still growing and unfolding into who I came here to be. It has been quite a journey, and to me, one of the best parts of the journey, is seeing life through new eyes. As I continue to stay open to life and to change, I find myself having more and more ah-ha moments.

One morning this week, as I sat on my newly screened in back porch,  I had an awareness of how life has changed for me. A lot of the change has been on the inside, but there has been great change on the outside also.  I see things happening in the world that I  never dreamed I would ever see or hear. Some of it I can handle, a lot of it I find myself tolerating. What many today call "progress", I call hogwash, and wish I could wave a wand and make it disappear. I tolerate receiving an electronic message on a special occasion instead of a hand-written card; seeing the health care system turn into a medical industry; watching untold numbers of pharmaceutical commercials on every TV show, watching families out for a meal sit around the table and instead of talking, each has a phone in their hand, and worst of all, calling a business and having to jump through hoops to talk to a live person. 

But, I digress. It is easy to get on my soap box about our "modern" world, but this piece is about lessons learned in my life. I have been journaling about 3 of my greatest, life changing lessons so far. They are: 1)learning it is okay to say no, 2)it is okay to cry whenever I feel the need, and 3) I don't have to do anything to be okay.

SAYING NO

It has taken years for me to learn to say no. Because I was such a people pleaser, and so in need of approval and acceptance, I said yes often, even when I wanted to say no. As a result, I overextended myself to the point of overwhelm, I did things I did not want to do, and I sold myself short over and over. As my self-worth grew, and I began to know and appreciate myself on a deep level, I found myself developing and using the gift of saying no. The more I grew to the place of genuinely liking and appreciating myself, the less it mattered if others felt the same. I still want to be liked and accepted, I just am no longer needing to sell myself short in order to be approved. 

CRYING

In therapy, I learned that until we give ourselves the gift of tears, it is hard for us to let others cry. If we can't cry, another person crying can feel threatening. Letting them have their tears, may topple my deeply held fear and belief that it is unacceptable to cry.

Crying is a gift from creator. Shedding tears is so freeing and so cathartic for the soul. I had a hard time crying because I was taught as a child that crying was bad; it was not allowed. When I cried I was often told to stop crying or my grandpa would give me something to cry about. When I would feel very sad I would go into my bedroom and cry alone into my pillow. Crying was a sign of weakness and it signaled something was wrong and that was not allowed. 

I am grateful for my first therapist who gave me permission to cry and who showed me the importance of crying when I was sad, instead of laughing the sadness away. I am so aware of others who have not yet given themselves the gift of tears. They are the ones who try to make you laugh when you are sad. There are not many who can sit with someone who is sad and just hold them and let them have their sadness.

I also, unashamedly, cry when happy, which I have found can be annoying to others. It seems it doesn't matter if the tears are happy tears or sad tears, some people just can't allow others to cry. I am just the opposite in that I hold people close and encourage their tears, when I see or hear sadness in their voice.  Crying is good, shedding tears is healthy,.

I AM OKAY

It took me a long time to get to the point of knowing I am okay, just because I am. I always thought I had to be doing something, or behaving in a certain way, in order to be okay. I seriously did not know I was okay. No one ever suggested in any way, that I could just relax and not try so hard to feel like I fit in, or that I mattered in this big world. Thanks to my therapist who was the first to help me understand and know my worth.

As I look back on my journey, I can clearly see how creator energy, in her love and benevolence, saw my hunger and thirst for something real and, gently, step by step, helped me find the path that would take me home to myself. The closer I get to home, to my core, to my unchanging spirit, the clearer I see who I am and why I am here. 

_______________________________________________________________________________

A big part of self-care is learning to say no, giving self permission to cry, when needed, and knowing you are okay. No one should have to work for approval or acceptance, no one should feel they have to say yes when everything within is crying no, and no one should have to stuff their tears because they think it is not okay to cry.

We all matter.

We are all important.

We all have emotions.

Therefore, I need to say to all who are reading these words: You are loved! You are here for a purpose! Your life matters! 

So, go ahead! Give yourself a few gifts today! Cry like there is no tomorrow! Let the tears flow. Say no to something or somebody you need to, and want to, say no to. Then give yourself permission to sit back, do nothing except take a few deep breaths, and remind yourself that who you are is okay. 

JUST BE AND JUST BREATHE

I remember, after having open heart surgery in 2010, I heard a voice within saying, "the only thing required of you is to be and to breathe." Here is the story of how that came to be. 

I did not have a heart attack, in fact I did not even know I had any heart issues. I walked every day and was very active. I was sixty-eight and I felt great.

In 2010, I began to notice a tightness in my throat when I was walking. I went to my PCP thinking maybe I was having indigestion,. She gave me Prilosec to try, and since I was getting ready to fly to New Orleans for a two-week visit with my mother and family, she scheduled a stress test for me when I returned.

Two weeks later I had the stress test and had to be removed from the treadmill due to shortness of breath. They finished the tests chemically and I then had to sit and wait for a cardiologist to come talk to me.

He came in the room, introduced himself, and had a seat across from me. He said, "Ms. Marroy. You have blockage in your heart and we need to schedule you for a heart cath to see where the blockage is." You could have knocked me over with a feather. I remember saying back to him, "Are you talking to me?  I am healthy and active so this cannot be me." After assuring me it was me, he asked if there was heart disease in my family. I told him my mother had triple bypass, my uncle died from heart disease and my grandpa had angina. I also had high cholesterol at the time, but I mistakenly thought I was going to bypass the heart issues that ran in my family. I seriously had no clue that anything was wrong with my heart. 

I had the heart cath done in a couple of days and found out that because the blockage was in the bifurcation they would have to do a single bypass. The following week I was in the hospital having my chest sawed open.

I went through surgery fine and two days later they gave me a pill called Metoprolol, which caused my heart to stop for nine seconds. I was taken back to the CCC and kept there for twenty-four hours. When my heart regulated itself they took me back to my room and I was supposed to be discharged within two days.

The morning of my discharge, I went to stand up and down I went. My blood pressure had dropped and I hit the floor. They decided to keep me in the hospital longer.

By this time I was falling into a depression, Thankfully, my hospital room had a large window which faced Mill Mountain. For the next two days, as they continued to monitor me, I sat in a recliner by the window. The nurses has turned the chair for me so it faced the beautiful greener than green mountain.

I would sit in that chair and cry because I did not know where to go in life from where I was. Would there be restrictions on my life because of my heart? Would I have to change my way of life? I cried and I talked to Spirit, and I cried more and talked to Spirit more.

One day, in the midst of my depression and feeling of great loss, Spirit spoke back to me and I heard these words, "The only thing required of you, is for you to just be and just breathe." I knew there was nothing else to do at this point but to listen to what I heard. I felt a lightness within, and hope began to take hold of me as I let the enormity of what was being said to me sink in. 

I realized I was not being required to do anything-only be and breathe. This was the beginning of my understanding of the extreme difference between doing and being. I also came to realize we do not have to earn a living, we only have to breathe in order to be alive. There is nothing to do, nothing to earn. Just be and breathe.

Over the years, as I have consciously continued to practice being and breathing, I have come to appreciate more and more, the beauty of knowing that busyness does not get me to the peaceful, quiet place I long to be-only being and breathing can do that.

I no longer have to work for my sense of well-being. I don't have to strive for my inner peace, I only have to be and breathe.

I sometimes forget and catch myself thinking I need to do something, or run to and fro, or do things in a certain way so I will be seen as okay or so I can feel good about myself. Then I come to my senses and remember, all that is required of me is to be and to breathe.

It took depression, a sense of loss, and open heart surgery to change my life and bring me to a place of quiet within. I am very grateful for life, and for the breath of life that keeps me alive!! 

TOXIC THOUGHTS AND PEOPLE

 Toxic: Very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way. 

When something is insidious it is dangerous in ways that are not always evident. We can have thoughts and ideas that rule our life and not even be aware that we are being ruled by something negative.

An example would be: I used to have the thought/idea that someone who lived a spiritual life, lived a certain way. I thought that kind of life would be on an even keel, no ups and downs, no thorns in the roses, manifesting what you want by thinking it into existence, always being happy, always positive and above the fray. It took me a while to realize this was a pipe dream, bullshit, and something people made up and fed to others as truth. 

When I lived from this thought, I believed I had gone astray, or made a wrong turn, if and when I was in a low place. I have many times, even recently, felt like I was a rudderless ship on the sea of life with a failed purpose, a forgotten cause and I was somehow left behind. In other words, believing that a spiritual life was all mountain top experiences, set me up for anxiety, harsh self-judgment and sadness.

I have come to realize how toxic my thoughts can be. The reason they are so toxic is because I believed they were true. That is the insidiousness of our thoughts. Most of us believe our thoughts are true. We actually take them to be absolute in many cases and lead our lives, make our decisions and behave according to what we think is true. This can be dangerous and can keep us stuck in low places.

How do you identify your toxic thoughts? You pay attention to your life and you question your thoughts. Because you thought something was one way all of your life, does not mean you cannot question it, if and when you realize it does not work for your highest and best. Because mom, dad or grandma said it was so, does not make it absolute. 

When we lived in Kentucky, I had a friend who only wore basic colors. I, on the other hand, wore a lot of bright red and purple. Finally, one day she told me she had been taught by her mother, that only women of the night wore red, so she thought it was wrong to wear red. I was shocked! My response to her was, "Isn't it wonderful that you are an adult, and you can make your own decisions and form new thoughts about what you can wear? If you like red, I support you in wearing red." She still would not wear red, because she was too afraid it would upset her mother and people would wrongly judge her. This is what I mean when I say our thoughts can be toxic because they are insidious.  She had no idea her thought was not an absolute truth, so she was held captive to that thought for most of her life. 

When I began to question my thoughts I began to see a life lived in spirit differently. I learned about reaching for the heavens while keeping my feet on the ground. I remembered I am a human being, subject to the laws of life and the universe. I learned, and am learning on a daily basis, to embrace whatever is in front of me. I have also learned I can love something without liking it. I can love the divinity in people without liking how they do life. I can accept people for where they are without having to hang out with them. I can find joy in washing my dishes, sitting in silence and embracing the emptiness, without making it wrong. I am learning to be content on a daily basis. And when stuff happens to knock me off keel, I am learning to look at it, do what I need to do in the middle of it and then go on and let it be.

Changing thoughts from toxic to life-affirming is not always easy. But, it is definitely do-able. 

I do believe life is meant to be joyful and peaceful. I also believe it is highly possible to be filled with joy and peace, even when we are in the lions den. When it feels like life is going against us, people are not happy with us and are calling us names, the roof is leaking and the AC is not working, we are cash strapped or we are physically ill, we each have the ability to change our thoughts about it all and find our joy and peace in the fray. It is a matter of changing our thoughts about it and thereby adjusting our vision.    

On the topic of toxicity, I need to address the fact that often, toxic people cross our path and sometimes even become a part of our lives. It has taken a while for me to learn that I do not have to entertain, or hang out with toxic people. Like toxic thoughts, they can be pervasive and insidious and can cut you in two, while smiling and pretending all is well. Sometimes, toxic people can suck the life out of us. I don't know that they mean to do what they do, or behave the way they do, but whether it is planned or not, we have options. One option we have is to understand how life-affirming it is to realize neither I, nor you, need to present ourselves to anyone who tends to be denigrating to who we are. 

It is okay to walk away from toxic relationships in any form, whether it be thoughts, ideas, relationships, situations, or people. It is okay to care enough about yourself to walk away from negativity, and to change your thoughts to be more life-affirming.   

You matter. We all matter, and it is up to each of us to weed out the toxicity in our lives. 

THE POT DRIPS WHAT IS IN IT

 "The pot leaks what is in it" is an excerpt from one of the poems by Rumi, who happens to be one of my favorite poets. Every time I read these words, something happens in my soul. It's like someone reaches inside and touches me softly and gently and I respond by softening and listening.  What these particular words mean to me is: we manifest what is inherently ours. 

When we are filled with love, we leak love. When we are filled with kindness and tenderness, we leak these virtues.  It comes through our pores. When filled with anger and rage, we leak these feelings onto the world and its inhabitants.

Since we leak whatever we are filled with, it makes sense to me that a desire to be an authentic being is a rational and exceptional desire.  Authenticity does not pretend to love, it is knowing we are love. When we are filled with kindness, we do not have to think about doing acts of kindness, we automatically manifest kindness to all. It is part of the authentic soul.

When we "are filled with something", we can walk into a room and we drip that something without saying a word or doing anything. I know people who actually ooze kindness. When around them I can feel it dripping from their pores. Whether they speak or not I get the benefit of their kindness. I have a granddaughter and a great-granddaughter who both ooze sweetness and kindness.. I tell them often that it oozes out of their pores. When in the presence of Ali and Ceda, I literally feel their sweetness and kindness.. 

MY GRANDDAUGHTER, SWEET ALI

Contrast that with one who harbors anger and rage. What they drip is cruelty, harsh judgment of others, acts of violence and chaos. I have often walked into a room and felt the tension and anger coursing through the air like an electrical current. That is anger dripping from the pot. Others can feel it. It can be sensed, and it becomes part of the energy that surrounds us. 

We are who we are and we are all love beings. We may not feel that way and our pot may not drip love, because the love that we are may be hidden in the darker regions of our souls. It has not yet made it to the surface where it oozes out of us.  Unhealed childhood wounds and unexpressed feelings and thoughts can create a cloud that covers our love for self and for others. Anger and rage that has been stuffed and turned inward will often sit on top of our love and kindness. It's not that we don't feel loving and kind, it's just that the love sits under the undealt with anger.

However, whether love and kindness is clouded, or hidden beneath the undealt with stuff, we are still beings of love.  Imagine a world filled with people who have realized the fullness of their love and kindness. It oozes out of them and touches all that are near.

Be willing to look within and allow the excavation process to begin. Clear out that which is unlike love so you can drip the essence of who you are, an authentic being of love and light.

You are love! You are light! 

                                                MY SWEET GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER, CEDA

AGING

I have been wanting to write about aging for a while now, and was waiting for what felt like the right moment. I seem to be reading and hearing a lot of banter about aging. Part of it is still focused on telling women they need to cover their greys, look great in a bikini and in a dress, and do something about wrinkles and sags. However, I also am very aware of an increase in posts and in conversations about older women and how powerful they are, not because they look so good for their age, but because of their elderly wisdom.

My journey to get to where I am, 82 years old, has been filled with the good, the bad and the really ugly. No matter how I think about the myriad experiences I have had on the road to 82, I can now sit back and look at each event with curiosity, and sometimes sadness and regret. Not regret that the incident happened, but regret about how I handled it. Also, regret for those I hurt along the way.

However, I am no longer sidelined by thoughts of my past, because I have learned how to forgive myself, make peace with myself and others, and move on. I also have learned to appreciate the aging process, and the wisdom that comes with experience and insight. 

There are many advantages in getting older. For one thing, the older I get, the more I can take a step back when I look in the mirror. I now see my mother in my face, where I didn't before. I also hear her in my conversations. I say so many things that I learned from listening to her. I curse like her and get aggravated at "stuff" like she did. 

Another advantage is, with each passing day, as I grow in my knowledge and understanding of who I am, I have developed a healthy respect and care for myself. The more I like myself, the less I am  bothered by unimportant things.

I grew up with a mother and grandmother who were almost always put together. Their hair was always coifed, they generally started their day by putting makeup on, and they wore such cute outfits. Their clothes and shoes matched and they wore jewelry. They looked like a southern lady is supposed to look. (at least, that's what I was told.) Nothing wrong with any of that, it is just that none of it floats my boat. 

When I was younger and interested in staying that way, I colored my grey, covered over my wrinkles as best I could and did my best to look younger and more fit. However, as I have aged and learned to accept and love myself just as I am, I am actually okay with wrinkles and seldom ever put makeup on. I hang out usually in sweats, T-shirts and earth shoes with socks in the winter and elasticized shorts, T-shirts and earth shoes in the summer. I have beaucoup jewelry but seldom put any of it on. Once again, there is nothing wrong with wanting to look nice. It just does not matter enough to me to make me care about fashion and the latest trends and colors. I want to look okay AND be comfortable and I do not want to work for it.

I make no excuses for my flab and fat belly. I could probably hide a pencil under my breasts and my belly, but hey, it comes with the territory. 

It feels good to not have to make excuses or feel bad because I am not into fashion or shopping. I was once told that I was a disgrace to women because I do not like to shop.  I'm okay with that and have nothing against those who do like to shop. I stopped caring a long time ago about what others thought of me and how I look. 

I had a cousin who always wanted me to let her make me over so she could improve on how I looked. My response was always, "I happen to like how I look and don't want to cover over or cover up what you don't think is okay." 

I call it conscious aging and I realize it is not for everyone. I do not make those wrong who choose to use their energy to look young and desirable. I have a very close girlfriend who calls it looking fu**able. (rhymes with huckable)

I have come to understand that conscious aging is not for the faint of heart. We do live in a society that prizes youth and being skinny. We are bombarded with print and TV ads touting how we are supposed to look. The anti-aging industry is a million dollar enterprise and it feeds mostly on women. The desire of women to look young and sexy is not something new. This has been going on for ages. 

There was a time when I bought into the concept, and the belief that life would be better and I would be happier if I continued to look young. Gratefully, that time has been long gone. 

To my aging sisters who are reading this, I encourage you to love yourself as you are. Embrace your body and nurture and nourish it with that which you love. Please know that whether you look 80 or 40, you are beautiful and are a sensual human being. You are much more than the clothes you wear or the style of your hair. Stand strong and sure in your feminine glory and let your light shine. Remember: age is just a number, but how you feel about yourself and present yourself to the world is what really matters. In the end, your nurturing love and being matters much more than your age.

THE LEADING CAUSES OF LIFE

 I dare say, in our society, most people have heard the phrase, "the leading cause of death".  Some say, the answer is cancer or heart attack. Most are familiar with the phrase because it is talked about by many. Often, following the phrase, is a list of ways to avoid being a victim of the "leading cause." What they don't tell us, or talk about, is "the leading cause of life."

Personally, I am more interested in what will add to my life, than what will possibly cause my death. We will all die. No one is getting out of here alive. That is old news. But, while we are here on this planet, wouldn't it be wonderful to do what it takes to contribute to life? I want to live my best life. I want to be an authentic, truth-telling, life-loving human. My guess is that the majority of humans feel the same way.

I believe, on some level, we are all possessed with the longing to be whole, to fly, to create, to dance, to dream, to paint, to write, to be big and large and full of who we truly are. We are possessed with the desire to live fully. 

There are many causes of life, as there are many causes of death. I consider myself to be a student of life, and over the years have come to the following conclusion. In order for me to live life to the fullest, I need to 1) believe in myself, 2) believe in something greater and larger than myself and 3) love, acknowledge and care for myself.

Believing in myself:  This takes work and commitment. I often have to remind myself that I am not my story or my circumstances. Who I am is a child of creator energy, therefore I am love and lovable, compassionate and kind, a light being who is here to heal and be whole, and to offer all of who I am to the planet and its inhabitants.

Believing in something greater and larger than myself: I definitely believe in divine, benevolent energy,  that fills the universe and therefore fills all of us. I feel the love and kindness that flows from this pervasive energy and immerse myself in it. There are many names for this energy. Some call it God, some Goddess, others Allah. I know many who call it All There Is, Creator, Mother/Father God and Great Spirit. I know this energy on a personal level because I am immersed in it. It is not an entity that sits on a cloud, but rather is warm and loving and allows me to wrap myself in it. 

Loving, acknowledging and caring for myself: I have found, and continue to find, ways to love myself. I believe when we have love for self, not ego love, but love for the divine spirit that inhabits who we are, we cannot help but give love to the world.  Some of the ways I practice loving myself are:

• I seek the healing, insight and support that will help me to release the attitudes and emotions that keep me from experiencing the wonder of my true self.
• I do "nothing" by spending time relaxing, reflecting, and simply being, in order to connect with my higher self.
• I spend time in nature, hugging trees and basking in the beauty and grace of creation.
• I buy clothes that reflect who I am.
• I do my best to uphold my principles and stand for light and life.

My desire is to be fully here, while I am here. With all of this in mind, I have to say, I often miss the boat. I forget who I am and why I am here. I get caught up in bullshit and petty things. I indulge in junk food, not fast food, but junk food like chips and cake and cookies. I sometimes forget we are all children of creator energy. I resist life and what is and fall into darkness and despair. 

But, here's the good part. Somehow, I always return to myself and pick up where I left off. I re-involve myself in practicing the leading causes of life and bask in gratitude for loving, creator energy who always brings me back to myself and to truth. 

Be large!! Be authentic!! Be light and love!!  And, finally, be peace!! What you are is what you give to others...

STILLNESS AND SILENCE

 

"True intelligence operates silently. Stillness is where creativity and solutions to problems are found." Eckhart Tolle

I am being called upon, once again, to return to a place of stillness. Because I have been physically ill for over a year and a half, and the medical industry has no answers for me, I have gotten into the habit of busily searching for a solution. In my quest to find answers to questions of, "What is wrong with me?" and "How do I heal my body from all of these debilitating symptoms?", I have become busy. I spend a lot of time reading and researching long covid websites. I joined a group of Survivors of Long Covid. I have gotten involved in research groups. I question others and listen carefully to what they have found to help ease the symptoms and attack the virus. I have tried different remedies, and some work and some don't. I have tried what the medical industry suggested, which was an inhaler, a nebulizer, and a respiratory rehab program. Neither helped, even though the rehab program did help to increase my core strength.

I finally remembered to STOP and return to the practice of stillness again. I quit the constant research, I gave up the hours spent reading about the virus' long term effects and how others were handling it all. I decided to settle on a daily regimen of supplements that seem to help ease some of the symptoms.  Besides my regular supplements, I take N-Acetyl L Cystine, Alpha Lipoic Acid and Quinol every day. I also recently added mushroom tinctures, Lions Mane and Turkey Tail Plus ,to my daily intake. These all help to a certain extent. 

However, I do believe the best relief I have gotten is from returning to a place of stillness, quiet and presence. I am back to resting my body more, listening carefully to the cues it is giving me about what I need, and what I don't need, watching what I eat, and being kind and gentle to myself. 

I find myself spending more time hugging my favorite tree, giving it love and gratitude while I draw strength from it, sitting quietly watching and listening to the birds at their feeders and sitting outside in the sun. I also am allowing myself much more time to commune with my sisters and spend time in their presence. 

Occasionally, I will tune in to the survivors websites and read their stories, or read about the latest clinical trials being done concerning long covid. Mostly, though I am trusting Spirit to lead me to where I need to go for help, and to give me wisdom and insight to know what choices to make for my health. 

I love stillness. I love quiet. I seldom turn my TV on in the daytime because I find comfort in silence. I notice the ticking of the clock, the sound of my cat scratching in her litter box, the squabbling of the squirrels as they chase each other up and down the trees, and the sounds of my neighborhood. 

Silence is golden, and I am grateful for the reminder to "just be quiet", trust, and let it be.  I believe stillness and quiet is a gift, that is there for the taking. It is up to each soul to choose it. It works for me, so I choose it with gratitude. 💖

HABITS

 

We all have habits. Some of our habits are good and some not so good. We are creatures of habit and experience has taught me that it is much easier to hang on to the familiar (habit), than to change what I am used to doing or thinking. 

Maxwell Maltz, the author of Psycho Cybernetics, says that the first step in changing a habit is repetition. He theorizes that it takes twenty-one times of doing something different for it to become a new habit. I wish I had a dollar for every time I have moved a chair in my house, and continue to go to the old location where the chair used to sit. The same could be said of moving anything to a different location. Because of habit, we all continue to look for things where they have always been. We train our brain to do the familiar. 

Stepping out of the familiar is not an easy task. Changing a habit can be something simple like brushing my teeth after every meal instead of twice a day. Or rearranging my pots and pans. As difficult as changing these types of habits can be, I do believe the harder habits to change are those that have a psychological benefit. Like having a cigarette when nervous, or taking a pill when anxious or upset, having a drink or smoking weed when tired and have a need to relax, or throwing something when angry. There are so many psychological habits we all have, that we have developed along the way as a means of coping with life's ups and downs.

Our habits become such a way of life for us, we often are not even aware of how habitual our behaviors, thoughts and attitudes are. We get stuck in the familiar. We know the familiar, we are used to it, it's the way we've always done it. 

I am not saying anyone needs to change anything in their life. I am simply pointing out that it may be wise and beneficial to sometimes stop and take a look at how we do life. 

An example of what I am talking about is this: I began to notice how easy it was for me to practice self-aggression. In case you are wondering, self-aggression is doing harm to one self either physically or emotionally. Physical self-aggression might be hurting yourself to get attention. Self mutilation is one form of physical self-aggression. I have known many young people who cut themselves as a means of alleviating mental suffering. Emotional self-aggression is deprecating one self, putting yourself down, inability to receive a compliment, the need to be perfect and to be seen as perfect by others.

When I was much younger I used to practice physical self-aggression. As I have aged, I have pretty much given up on this type of aggression. However, I notice how natural it is for me to aggress against myself emotionally. I have a critical parent who lives in my head and when I listen to it, I tend to put myself down, I am technically challenged, I lack the credential to be a good writer so I spend a lot of time second guessing myself , and/or I get angry with myself for not knowing how to do so many things that I would like to do. This is familiar behavior to me because I have done it for so many years. The up side is that I am aware of it and I am working on changing those habits. 

I have a lot of good habits also, such as my ability to listen to others with my ears and my heart. That is a habit that is familiar to me now, but it wasn't always so. For years, I was a seminar and workshop leader, a teacher and a public speaker, so I always thought I had so much to say. As a result,  I developed the habit of running a monologue in duet. What that means is while someone is talking to you, instead of listening, you are in your head forming your answers, or your rebuttal, to what they are saying. I believe I thought it was extremely important that I get to say what I needed and wanted to say. Maybe that's because at that time in my life, I thought I knew a lot. I have learned over the years, as I have been emptied out, that I don't know a heck of a lot more than I do know. Having that ah-ha moment is what led me to change my habit of not listening.  

Life is good and works in our favor, which means when we pay attention to our behaviors, thoughts and attitudes, and spot habits that are detrimental to us and to others, we can change them. Life does work with us when we commit to change. 

Thankfully, nothing has to be forever. Not even a habit!!

WAKING UP

Spring is almost here and I feel like I am awakening from a deep and dark slumber.

Nature is waking up and I feel I am too. It's like I feel the sap running through my branches again, and buds beginning to pop up and out. I actually am starting to feel like I can breathe again. 

One of the buds opening within me, is a renewed interest in life. I am noticing the sky again and watching the trees come to life.  I do believe our bodies emulate the cycle of a tree!! Most trees (except for evergreens) are dormant and naked in winter, and even appear to be dead, when in reality they are only at rest and in a very quiet place. Is this where I have been? In a dormant state of sleep and rest? I have believed for years that our bodies needs to follow the path of nature, but somehow in my illness, I forgot that simple truth. My spirit is reminding me that I have been in a winter's state of being, and eventually winter passes away and spring returns. 

The second bud opening within is a feeling of hope. Even with the horrific wars going on all over the planet, with thousands of innocent souls being slaughtered, I still feel hope for mankind and for myself.

I even have hope, while in the middle of watching the great political divide, and the effort to destroy democracy playing out across our country. I feel sad over the news of it all, and cry a lot for the suffering of humanity, but know what I am called to do, is to stand in light and love.  And, I still have hope.

I realize the reason I still have hope is because in spite of the ugliness and hatred, I continuously encounter kindness and civility. No matter where I go, I ALWAYS encounter kindness. It seems the people I run into in the grocery store, doctors office, Lowes, restaurants, and wherever else I may wind up, are  all considerate and kind. This gives me hope that though ugliness and evil  are rearing its head, kindness and consideration are still alive and well in the soul of many. I do not remember a time in my life when I have heard so many meaningful , "I'm sorry", "may I help you reach that?", "you go first" and other words of human kindness. This gives me great hope.

The third bud blossoming within is joy, just for being alive, and having the ability to see, hear and smell the dawning of spring. When I step outside and walk around my yard, I see life popping up all over. My lilac bush is full of buds, my tulips are pushing through the dirt, my mums are greening at the base and my butterfly bushes are preparing to blossom.  Watching nature wake up and fill the earth with its many colors and smells, gives me great joy.

I feel like I am waking up from a long slumber, where I have been void of hope and joy, where shortness of breath. exhaustion and brain fog, and physical pain have been my constant companions.  While in this place I have had much doubt that I would ever feel better again, or that I would live to see the end of 2024.  My good days are getting a little better and my not so good days are not quite as bad as they have been, and for that I am very grateful.  

Today I feel alive, I have hope for myself, my country, humanity and the planet. The sap is running through my veins, and I am so delighted to be able to say with great meaning-Happy awakening and happy spring to all!!