DISAPPOINTING OTHERS

 

DISAPPOINTING OTHERS

I have been thinking about a line in Oriah Mountain Dreamer's poem,, The Invitation.

    "It doesn't interest me if the story you are tellig me is true. I want to know if you can 

    disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and

    not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and trustworthy."

These verses have resurfaced in my mind as I have pondered some recent happenings in my life and in the lives of those around me.

It is a risky act to do what feels right for self, and in that action to disappoint another. It is risky to say no when we know soneone is waiting for us to say yes, because it is what they need to hear. We put ourselves at risk often when we tell the truth about what we think, feel or believe. I am becoming increasingly aware of when others do not really want to hear my truth about what I feel, dislike or like because they need me to like or dislike what they like or dislike. 

As humans, we tend to become disappointed, and sometimes even angry, when otthers do not agree with what we see or feel. I believe we all do this to a certain extent and instead of letting otthers have their own feelings and thoughts about life, behaviors, attitudes and beliefs, we becone disappointed. Hurt often accompanies disappointment. 

I am seeing what a great burden we place on others when we require them to agree with us and say and do what we need and expect them to do or say. It is an unfair burden and though it is usually done without any forethought or malice, it is nevertheless placing an unfair burden on someone else. 

I remember when I first read the lines from the quote above, how confused I felt by it. I had a difficult time making sense of disappointing another to be true to myself.  Because I spent so much of my life as a "yes" person in my need for approval  it was next to impossible for me to disagree and i.e. disappoint another.  Being disapproved of was too great a risk for me.

Gratefully as I grow within myself and learn to be with who I am, I am coming to a place of understanding the importance of authenticity and how sometimes I have to say no. Learning to be true to myself means speaking truth and doing the hard thing....even when and if it disappoints another.

Those who know me know I am about love and kindness. I enjoy seeing people happy and I readily admit that it feels good to be liked and approved. I don't like disappointing others, however I like even less the feeling I have when I betray myself by pretending to be other than who I am. 

I want to be seen as trustworthy-- one who, when asked the hard questions, I can answer truthfully and always with love and compassion.

SO LONG 2025-HELLO 2026

 

SO LONG 2025, HELLO 2026

2025 is on its way out and I am shedding no tears as it walks out the door and into the past. The year was both good and not so good. In numerology, the year 2025 was a 9 year which means it carried the energy of endings, completions, and undoing. I gladly say goodbye to this year. 2026, which is a 1 year carries the energy of new beginnings, a starting point. I am looking forward to this year to see where the journey will take me, my loved ones, friends and my country. 

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Because I do believe every upset is a set up, and the treasure is often hidden in the dark,  I have been able to make it through the year with faith and hope still alive in my being. When life seems to be going south, I have a tendency, after I rebound from the hit, to look for the treasure hidden in the experience.  It seems I have done quite a bit of treasure hunting this year.

I experienced my share of days, and even weeks of feeling emptied out this year. I have not written or posted on this blog since March, 2025. I wanted to write but felt empty of words, thoughts, insights or imaginations. For a while, I really tried to manufacture something, but finally gave in to the inner knowing  that I needed to leave it alone and let it be.  This was hard for me because as a writer, I need to write. However, when there are no words, writing is impossible. I actually have had moments of thinking perhaps my love of writing and creating were at an end and I would never write again. 

I have been here before so I was familiar with the call to step aside and quit trying. When I gave up my resistance to going back into the emptiness and the no-thingness, I felt better and rested in the stage of life I found myself in.

Emptiness not only hit me in the area of writing, it also hit hard in my physical well being. Long haul covid continued to take its toll on me and added to that was degenerative disc disease in my C4-6. I suffered a lot and after months of pain management, I decided to see an orthopedic surgeon. In October I had an anterior discectomy and fusion. The recovery process of almost three months really hit me hard and there were times when I doubted I would ever feel good again. Once again, I finally gave up my resistance to feeling bad and went with the flow. I am now in physical therapy to regain my range of motion in my neck and to strengthen my neck, arms and back muscles.

The uptick in cruelty and just plain ugliness  from the top down in our country has thrown me for a loop. For a while, I felt like I had lost my balance and saw no hope for the saving of our democracy. However, as I gave up that struggle and decided to be an active participant in standing and marching for what my heart longs for, I began to see some light. Seeing the massive peaceful protests taking place on a daily basis in every corner of the country has filled me with hope.  I now believe the people can make a difference.

Through all of this, I have once again found the fullness that is present in the emptiness. There is no empty space. What looks and feels like it is empty, is really full. If nothing else, the emptiness is full of emptiness, and that is okay. I have continued to learn through experience that if I quit resisting what is, I can live in continued contentment and peace. 

If it feels empty, embrace it....let it be. If it feels like all creative energy has gone away, embrace it...let it be. If it feels like I will never regain my physical health and well being, embrace it....let it be.

Emptiness, aloneness, lack of motivation, doubt, the carrying out of cruelty to other humans and/or life forms used to worry me and cause me a lot of angst. Thankfully, I am learning to just let it be. Sometimes I cry my way through whatever is going on, other times I just sit with the sickness I feel inside over where life is taking me and over what is happening in my body, my country and the world.

My intentions, as we move into new 2026 energy, are to live life to the fullest, to continue to be aware of resistance to life and to give it up, to love myself unconditionally and to walk in light, love and kindness. 

Happy 2026!! May your journey through the year be light, bright, joyful and peaceful. 

A CALL TO WOMEN

 This is a repost of some of a blog I wrote in 2011, right around Mardi Gras time in New Orleans. Since yesterday was Mardi Gras, I felt it time to pull this article out of the archives, rewrite it and post it again.

A CALL TO WOMEN

I was watching a clip of Mardi Gras festivities and remembered all the Mardi Gras parades I have attended. Something that happens often at the parades is: the men on the float will holler at the girls who are screaming "throw me something mister", "Show me your tits." If the girls comply, they might get thrown a nicer pair of Mardi gras beads. 

It has always been shocking to me how many girls will lift their shirt and show their breasts so they can be thrown a pair of cheap Mardi Gras beads. I have often wanted to throw a blanket over these girls and give them a dollar so they can go buy a pair of Mardi Gras beads.

I am very aware of how many women think it is necessary to entertain men with their bodies.  Not just women, but young girls who are being misled to act and dress sexy so they can be approved by the boys. I feel sick in my gut when I ask a young preteen to pose for a picture and she purses her lips and strikes a sexy pose. When are women going to quit dressing and behaving like sex objects, like we are a piece of meat on display, so the one with the biggest, firmest breast and nicest butt will be the ones who get picked.  Is it because women are taught from a young age that we are here to pleasure men? Perhaps there is something wrong with a society that has so much disrespect for women, including women disrespecting other women.

When I hear talk about how far women have come,  I wonder what planet these people live on. I understand the rumor is that we have come a long way baby. We have brilliant women in politics, in the military, the aerospace industry and the medical industry. In fact, we have brilliant women in most industries, and I am thrilled with this. But, is that all we are interested in as women? I certainly am not downplaying the right and the awesomeness of women having jobs in what for many years has been considered a man's world. However, I say we need to take the next and highest step, which is having and receiving respect that comes from knowing we belong to ourselves, and not to men. 

With my eyes wide open I watch how women go about in the world. It is still basically a man's world because the patriarchal system is alive and well. In fact, the number of women who still dress, behave and talk like they are a sex object and they belong to men, is staggering. Something is off when we live in a world where women, from teenagers up, are obsessed with breast augmentation, blowing up their lips, dressing as skimpy as possible, and giving themselves away for a wink, a smile, a date, a pair of beads or approval.

Women are not here to be exploited. We are beautiful, brilliant, nurturing and strong and it is powerful to realize we belong to ourselves and the sisterhood, not to men,. We deserve respect, and when we quit dressing and behaving like life does not matter unless we get a second look from a man, we may start to be treated like the goddesses we are.

Before you start writing me hate letters, let me tell you that I love  the brotherhood of men. I have an awesome husband who respects me and my right to personhood, autonomy and control over my body. When we discuss this topic, he reminds me that many, many men are chauvinists who do believe they own women. He and I agree that we are all playing the roles we were taught to play as little girls and little boys. If our roles had been defined differently, we would be acting different. So, I do not hate men. What I despise is the patriarchal system that wants to put women down, own us, use us for their pleasure, deny us our rights and freedoms and put our health care at risk. 

There have been pockets of women at different times in our culture, who have fought for the rights of women to be treated as equals. We have made strides in the business world, but personally I want more than to be able to wear pants, smoke a cigar, play football on a man's team, be the president ,or own a large corporation. These are tokens. Being seen as equal means being treated with respect for my personhood, not being treated as the weaker sex who needs to be conquered and who has no right to a credit card or a checkbook. 

Listen up ladies!! We carry babies in our womb and we birth them, we nurse them and raise them, we are the managers  of our homes. and I have no doubt if women ruled the world we would be a much more peaceful world.  We can bring home the bacon, fry it in a pan and serve it to ourselves and our families. Do not allow yourself to be treated as a sex object or a second class citizen  We are not meant to be defined by men. We have value and worth no matter how old we are, what we look like or who we choose to be in relationship with. 

Women have had to fight for their rights. We fought for the right to vote, to control our bodies, to have a credit card and a bank account, to own property, to get the same education as men and to speak in churches. These rights have all been handed to men, (if they are white men). Stand up in your power ladies and be seen and heard, not as a sex object but as the strong woman you are. And, while you are standing up for yourself, stand up for the entire sisterhood please.

YOU MATTER MY SISTERS!!  

BEING IN THE LIMINAL

Liminal-Transitional area between two places or states, such as between the past and the future or between one destination and another. It can be physical, emotional or psychological.

Being in the liminal is usually being in a place of uncertainty. There is a lot of doubt and not knowing when in this place. It also can be a place of emptiness.

I have been in the liminal quite a few times in my life. I once stayed in the liminal for close to four years. Though filled with discomfort, it turned out to be one of the most enlightening times in my life.

It happened after my first book was published,  I was busy promoting the book and myself as an author. I was writing articles and being published in many magazines. I was busy being my creative self. One day, I began to know in my core that it was time to give it all up and leave behind my identity as an author, as a blogger who had a world-wide following,  and as one who was on a path of success. I really struggled with this and it took a while for me to give in to the call to no/thingness (the liminal) and to walk into the unknown. 

Looking back at that time in my life, I feel intense gratitude for the call of the liminal. It started out as a very difficult place to be. I wanted to promote my book, I wanted to write, but I was empty and quickly realized I had nothing to say. I wanted to fill the space. I wanted to know. I wanted some certainty. What I did not want was the feeling of being hollowed out, a failure and worthless.

My book was not selling, I was not writing and I felt intense feelings of loneliness.

Thankfully, I began to give myself over to just being where I was. I found myself going within more and spending more quiet time alone. I spent a lot of time reading, breathing, walking in nature and just being. It was during that time when I felt the call to volunteer to be a Guardian ad Litem. Working in the court system with abused and neglected children changed my life, and I slowly began to experience a deep healing in my own inner, wounded child. 

If I had not answered the call to not only enter into the liminal, but to learn to live comfortably in it, I would have missed the entire healing experience. I would have been so busy with my life I would never have answered the call for a Guardian ad Litem. Life definitely changed for me, and as I reflect on that time, I am certain my life would not be what it is today.

I learned some deep truths in that quiet, liminal space:

1. The more I know, the more I know how much I do not know.

2. I do not know much, but what I do know, I know.

3. I became conscious of how unconscious I can be.

4. The empty places are really full-they are filled with emptiness, quiet, calm and bliss.

5. I learned to quit focusing on the bright, shiny stars and focus instead on the darkness between the stars. That is where the power lies.

6. I now know it is okay to be no/thing, in fact it is freeing to not have to try to be some/thing.

As I slowly began to come out of the liminal I started writing again. My book began to sell, and nine years later it is still selling worldwide. I am blogging again and I am in the process of completing a second book. 

When I quit fighting the liminal, I lost who I thought I was supposed to be, and found pieces of myself I did not even know I had. I am still meeting myself and becoming intimately acquainted with the real me. That does not mean I have answers, or certainty about anything. The difference is I can be okay in the uncertainty.

To those reading this, I want you to know: YOU MATTER, WHETHER YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF UNCERTAINTY OR NOT!! 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH EMPTINESS OR UNCERTAINTY!! JUST BE WITH IT AND ENJOY THE QUIET. 

YOU ARE LOVED, JUST BECAUSE....FOR NO REASON EXCEPT YOU ARE LOVABLE!!

Bye-Bye to 2024

2024 has been one of the busiest years I can remember. It has been a year filled with activity, fun, a lot of visitors, travel, sadness, sickness, loss and gain, darkness followed by insight, disappointment, hope, anger, and yet, through it all, I have had peace within. 

I finished putting together my new book, an anthology for and about women. Thanks to the 22 women who courageously wrote their stories and submitted them to me, I have an inspiring book to offer the women of the world. Hopefully, it will be published in 2025. My new book title is From There to Here.

My year started with my catching the flu and feeling really bad. At the same time, Paul and I adopted a rambunctious, strong-willed puppy. As our puppy physically grew and got bigger and stronger, so did his strong will. Finally, after six week of training and his pulling me and walking me, we decided we needed to rehome him. We had both fallen in love with him but I knew I could not handle him. He went to a really good home and whenever I hear from the people who took him, he seems to be happy and a part of their family. 

In March, after a CT scan of my lungs, I was told I had a sessile mass in the first portion of my duodenum and I needed to have an endoscopy to see what it was. For some reason, this did not ring true for me. After being sent to a GI doctor who strongly suggested the endoscopy, I agreed to have the procedure done. On the day of the test, I told the doctor I was there so we could all rule out that there was a mass. I felt it was a shadow on the scan. I was right! There was no mass, so that was put to bed. Hallelujah.

Thanks to my son, Mac, we saw a lot of live theater this year. We started the year with The Simon and Garfunkel Story, followed by Life and Times of the Temptations, Jersey Boys (for the 3rd time), To Kill a Mockingbird, Celtic Women, Frankie Valli and Mama Mia. 

Our home seemed to be filled with guests all throughout the year, plus we did a fair bit of traveling. In May one of my granddaughters got married so the family met in Charlotte, NC for a couple of days. In July, we flew to North Georgia for a 4th of July family reunion. In August, I rode to Boone, NC with a friend and spent 4 days with a close sister friend and also spent the night in Abingdon with my daughter, Angela. I flew to New Orléans in August to be with my great-grandson on his 15th birthday. In October, I drove to Pennsylvania to spend 4 days with another sister friend. It was a busy year.

In March, we began the construction of our new screened in porch and deck. Paul designed and built it so we were involved every weekend for 3 months. Because we were so involved in this project we did not get to take our annual motorcycle vacation. 

This year, I learned to deal better and more consciously with my long covid and its myriad symptoms. I am happy to report that for the most part the extreme fatigue is gone. I still get tired and have to get in  my recliner for a nap and a rest, but that is nowhere near as bad as it had been. I now use a broncho-dilator to help open my airways and that that has helped me to breathe a little easier. Since the medical profession has no answers,I am learning to manage this disease by advocating for myself. I read clinical trial results, I am active on long covid websites and I now take different medicinal mushrooms, which seem to be helping in some areas. 

I consider 2024 to be a good year, one that I have enjoyed immensely. It has probably been one of my better years in recent times.

I will be 83 in January and I do look forward to celebrating another trip around the sun, however I am not looking forward to 2025. I strongly sense the incoming tide of darkness, chaos, uncertainty and mayhem that are on the horizon. I have a certain amount of fear and dread over what it looks like is going to happen to Medicare, Social Security, social services for the indigent, insurance for the masses, Medicaid, Head Start for the children and health care for women. I shudder to think that the least of our society, children and the elderly, may no longer be cared for. It sickens me in my gut to know women who are suffering miscarriages are bleeding out in hospital waiting rooms and their own homes because doctors are too afraid to treat them, for fear of going to jail. In my world, this is insanity. Truthfully, I have no hope of this getting better in 2025. 

Even without hope for a better world next year, I am still walking into 2025 filled with love, determination and kindness for the planet and its inhabitants. I am determined to walk and stand in light and to stay present. I pray for courage to stand strong and resist that which is against my values and morals, as I stand strong for the rights of all citizens of this country and the world. We are all members of the same family and what affects the least of us affects us all. 

This will be my last blog of the year, so adios, peace out and I will talk to you next year. 

ACCEPT YOUR ORPHANS

 Life is not always a pretty package tied with a beautiful satin bow. Sometimes the package is wrapped in plain brown paper and tied with a scruffy piece of string.

Sometimes I am surefooted and certain, and other times I am not sure about life or where I am going. There are moments when I am full of faith and the next moment I may have doubt. Some days I float along in joy, and other days sadness is my closest friend. Sometimes I sing, sometimes I cry. I have days of loving everything and everybody, and moments of anger, mistrust, fear and disappointment. THIS IS LIFE!!

We are whole beings and our journey here is about evolution of our soul. In order to evolve into our wholeness, our authenticity, we have to encounter and welcome back those parts that were split off and fractured. We must own our doubt, fear, sadness, anger and sense of inadequacy and shame. These are the orphans of our soul that have been cast aside because we do not like how they look or feel. We may think they are "unspiritual" and try to ignore them, deny them, get rid of them or pretend they are not there. We cast them out like a red-headed stepchild, and leave them on the doorstep of life hoping we will not have to deal with them, acknowledge them or give them a name. They become our orphans and we can spend countless hours pretending they do not exist; even when they do.

Because we are conscious, spiritual beings does not mean we always are on the up side and have nothing but positive thoughts and experiences. The authentic life is filled with both darkness and light. 

In order to be seen and acknowledged our orphans sometimes clamor for attention. They can be like a kid needing attention, who pulls on his mother's skirt or his father's pants leg. We may push them away, but they will continue to come back and pull on our skirt or pants leg again and again. Denying them access to light will not make them go away because they are already a part of our being. They may go into hiding for a while and make us think they are gone, but when we least expect it, they reappear. 

Someone may cut in front of us in line and we are ready to snatch them by the hair, or we may drop and break a dozen eggs on the floor and we have a meltdown. A person says something to us that activates our sense of shame and we go into attack mood. Rage, name calling, meltdowns, screaming at others, giving the finger to someone, needing to control people and things, and cursing objects or people are all part of the human experience that most of us would rather not acknowledge. They are our orphans. We do not like to think of ourselves as being less than perfect so we deny what we think is imperfect and unacceptable. 

Here's the thing. Denial does not make anything magically disappear. 

Until we learn to embrace our orphans and bring them into the light, while being open to seeing them fully, we will not be able to experience our fullness. Recognizing and accepting them as a part of our being is what shifts us into a place of authenticity and wholeness. THEY ARE ALREADY THERE!!

We all have orphans, those parts of self we disown and do our best to not let them see the light of day. God help us if someone should see our whole self.

We will always be missing a part of our selves, until we love, nurture and nourish our entire being, even the parts we don't like. It is safe to make space for the fractured and disallowed parts of self. Give your orphans a  home. Embrace them. Shower them with love and allow yourself to be at peace with your authenticity, and keep in mind that we are all perfectly imperfect.

A FEW THINGS I HAVE LEARNED

 

One of the good things about living as long as I have, is being able to sit and take notice of what I have learned over the years. I am 82 and still learning, and still growing and unfolding into who I came here to be. It has been quite a journey, and to me, one of the best parts of the journey, is seeing life through new eyes. As I continue to stay open to life and to change, I find myself having more and more ah-ha moments.

One morning this week, as I sat on my newly screened in back porch,  I had an awareness of how life has changed for me. A lot of the change has been on the inside, but there has been great change on the outside also.  I see things happening in the world that I  never dreamed I would ever see or hear. Some of it I can handle, a lot of it I find myself tolerating. What many today call "progress", I call hogwash, and wish I could wave a wand and make it disappear. I tolerate receiving an electronic message on a special occasion instead of a hand-written card; seeing the health care system turn into a medical industry; watching untold numbers of pharmaceutical commercials on every TV show, watching families out for a meal sit around the table and instead of talking, each has a phone in their hand, and worst of all, calling a business and having to jump through hoops to talk to a live person. 

But, I digress. It is easy to get on my soap box about our "modern" world, but this piece is about lessons learned in my life. I have been journaling about 3 of my greatest, life changing lessons so far. They are: 1)learning it is okay to say no, 2)it is okay to cry whenever I feel the need, and 3) I don't have to do anything to be okay.

SAYING NO

It has taken years for me to learn to say no. Because I was such a people pleaser, and so in need of approval and acceptance, I said yes often, even when I wanted to say no. As a result, I overextended myself to the point of overwhelm, I did things I did not want to do, and I sold myself short over and over. As my self-worth grew, and I began to know and appreciate myself on a deep level, I found myself developing and using the gift of saying no. The more I grew to the place of genuinely liking and appreciating myself, the less it mattered if others felt the same. I still want to be liked and accepted, I just am no longer needing to sell myself short in order to be approved. 

CRYING

In therapy, I learned that until we give ourselves the gift of tears, it is hard for us to let others cry. If we can't cry, another person crying can feel threatening. Letting them have their tears, may topple my deeply held fear and belief that it is unacceptable to cry.

Crying is a gift from creator. Shedding tears is so freeing and so cathartic for the soul. I had a hard time crying because I was taught as a child that crying was bad; it was not allowed. When I cried I was often told to stop crying or my grandpa would give me something to cry about. When I would feel very sad I would go into my bedroom and cry alone into my pillow. Crying was a sign of weakness and it signaled something was wrong and that was not allowed. 

I am grateful for my first therapist who gave me permission to cry and who showed me the importance of crying when I was sad, instead of laughing the sadness away. I am so aware of others who have not yet given themselves the gift of tears. They are the ones who try to make you laugh when you are sad. There are not many who can sit with someone who is sad and just hold them and let them have their sadness.

I also, unashamedly, cry when happy, which I have found can be annoying to others. It seems it doesn't matter if the tears are happy tears or sad tears, some people just can't allow others to cry. I am just the opposite in that I hold people close and encourage their tears, when I see or hear sadness in their voice.  Crying is good, shedding tears is healthy,.

I AM OKAY

It took me a long time to get to the point of knowing I am okay, just because I am. I always thought I had to be doing something, or behaving in a certain way, in order to be okay. I seriously did not know I was okay. No one ever suggested in any way, that I could just relax and not try so hard to feel like I fit in, or that I mattered in this big world. Thanks to my therapist who was the first to help me understand and know my worth.

As I look back on my journey, I can clearly see how creator energy, in her love and benevolence, saw my hunger and thirst for something real and, gently, step by step, helped me find the path that would take me home to myself. The closer I get to home, to my core, to my unchanging spirit, the clearer I see who I am and why I am here. 

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A big part of self-care is learning to say no, giving self permission to cry, when needed, and knowing you are okay. No one should have to work for approval or acceptance, no one should feel they have to say yes when everything within is crying no, and no one should have to stuff their tears because they think it is not okay to cry.

We all matter.

We are all important.

We all have emotions.

Therefore, I need to say to all who are reading these words: You are loved! You are here for a purpose! Your life matters! 

So, go ahead! Give yourself a few gifts today! Cry like there is no tomorrow! Let the tears flow. Say no to something or somebody you need to, and want to, say no to. Then give yourself permission to sit back, do nothing except take a few deep breaths, and remind yourself that who you are is okay. 

JUST BE AND JUST BREATHE

I remember, after having open heart surgery in 2010, I heard a voice within saying, "the only thing required of you is to be and to breathe." Here is the story of how that came to be. 

I did not have a heart attack, in fact I did not even know I had any heart issues. I walked every day and was very active. I was sixty-eight and I felt great.

In 2010, I began to notice a tightness in my throat when I was walking. I went to my PCP thinking maybe I was having indigestion,. She gave me Prilosec to try, and since I was getting ready to fly to New Orleans for a two-week visit with my mother and family, she scheduled a stress test for me when I returned.

Two weeks later I had the stress test and had to be removed from the treadmill due to shortness of breath. They finished the tests chemically and I then had to sit and wait for a cardiologist to come talk to me.

He came in the room, introduced himself, and had a seat across from me. He said, "Ms. Marroy. You have blockage in your heart and we need to schedule you for a heart cath to see where the blockage is." You could have knocked me over with a feather. I remember saying back to him, "Are you talking to me?  I am healthy and active so this cannot be me." After assuring me it was me, he asked if there was heart disease in my family. I told him my mother had triple bypass, my uncle died from heart disease and my grandpa had angina. I also had high cholesterol at the time, but I mistakenly thought I was going to bypass the heart issues that ran in my family. I seriously had no clue that anything was wrong with my heart. 

I had the heart cath done in a couple of days and found out that because the blockage was in the bifurcation they would have to do a single bypass. The following week I was in the hospital having my chest sawed open.

I went through surgery fine and two days later they gave me a pill called Metoprolol, which caused my heart to stop for nine seconds. I was taken back to the CCC and kept there for twenty-four hours. When my heart regulated itself they took me back to my room and I was supposed to be discharged within two days.

The morning of my discharge, I went to stand up and down I went. My blood pressure had dropped and I hit the floor. They decided to keep me in the hospital longer.

By this time I was falling into a depression, Thankfully, my hospital room had a large window which faced Mill Mountain. For the next two days, as they continued to monitor me, I sat in a recliner by the window. The nurses has turned the chair for me so it faced the beautiful greener than green mountain.

I would sit in that chair and cry because I did not know where to go in life from where I was. Would there be restrictions on my life because of my heart? Would I have to change my way of life? I cried and I talked to Spirit, and I cried more and talked to Spirit more.

One day, in the midst of my depression and feeling of great loss, Spirit spoke back to me and I heard these words, "The only thing required of you, is for you to just be and just breathe." I knew there was nothing else to do at this point but to listen to what I heard. I felt a lightness within, and hope began to take hold of me as I let the enormity of what was being said to me sink in. 

I realized I was not being required to do anything-only be and breathe. This was the beginning of my understanding of the extreme difference between doing and being. I also came to realize we do not have to earn a living, we only have to breathe in order to be alive. There is nothing to do, nothing to earn. Just be and breathe.

Over the years, as I have consciously continued to practice being and breathing, I have come to appreciate more and more, the beauty of knowing that busyness does not get me to the peaceful, quiet place I long to be-only being and breathing can do that.

I no longer have to work for my sense of well-being. I don't have to strive for my inner peace, I only have to be and breathe.

I sometimes forget and catch myself thinking I need to do something, or run to and fro, or do things in a certain way so I will be seen as okay or so I can feel good about myself. Then I come to my senses and remember, all that is required of me is to be and to breathe.

It took depression, a sense of loss, and open heart surgery to change my life and bring me to a place of quiet within. I am very grateful for life, and for the breath of life that keeps me alive!! 

AGING

I have been wanting to write about aging for a while now, and was waiting for what felt like the right moment. I seem to be reading and hearing a lot of banter about aging. Part of it is still focused on telling women they need to cover their greys, look great in a bikini and in a dress, and do something about wrinkles and sags. However, I also am very aware of an increase in posts and in conversations about older women and how powerful they are, not because they look so good for their age, but because of their elderly wisdom.

My journey to get to where I am, 82 years old, has been filled with the good, the bad and the really ugly. No matter how I think about the myriad experiences I have had on the road to 82, I can now sit back and look at each event with curiosity, and sometimes sadness and regret. Not regret that the incident happened, but regret about how I handled it. Also, regret for those I hurt along the way.

However, I am no longer sidelined by thoughts of my past, because I have learned how to forgive myself, make peace with myself and others, and move on. I also have learned to appreciate the aging process, and the wisdom that comes with experience and insight. 

There are many advantages in getting older. For one thing, the older I get, the more I can take a step back when I look in the mirror. I now see my mother in my face, where I didn't before. I also hear her in my conversations. I say so many things that I learned from listening to her. I curse like her and get aggravated at "stuff" like she did. 

Another advantage is, with each passing day, as I grow in my knowledge and understanding of who I am, I have developed a healthy respect and care for myself. The more I like myself, the less I am  bothered by unimportant things.

I grew up with a mother and grandmother who were almost always put together. Their hair was always coifed, they generally started their day by putting makeup on, and they wore such cute outfits. Their clothes and shoes matched and they wore jewelry. They looked like a southern lady is supposed to look. (at least, that's what I was told.) Nothing wrong with any of that, it is just that none of it floats my boat. 

When I was younger and interested in staying that way, I colored my grey, covered over my wrinkles as best I could and did my best to look younger and more fit. However, as I have aged and learned to accept and love myself just as I am, I am actually okay with wrinkles and seldom ever put makeup on. I hang out usually in sweats, T-shirts and earth shoes with socks in the winter and elasticized shorts, T-shirts and earth shoes in the summer. I have beaucoup jewelry but seldom put any of it on. Once again, there is nothing wrong with wanting to look nice. It just does not matter enough to me to make me care about fashion and the latest trends and colors. I want to look okay AND be comfortable and I do not want to work for it.

I make no excuses for my flab and fat belly. I could probably hide a pencil under my breasts and my belly, but hey, it comes with the territory. 

It feels good to not have to make excuses or feel bad because I am not into fashion or shopping. I was once told that I was a disgrace to women because I do not like to shop.  I'm okay with that and have nothing against those who do like to shop. I stopped caring a long time ago about what others thought of me and how I look. 

I had a cousin who always wanted me to let her make me over so she could improve on how I looked. My response was always, "I happen to like how I look and don't want to cover over or cover up what you don't think is okay." 

I call it conscious aging and I realize it is not for everyone. I do not make those wrong who choose to use their energy to look young and desirable. I have a very close girlfriend who calls it looking fu**able. (rhymes with huckable)

I have come to understand that conscious aging is not for the faint of heart. We do live in a society that prizes youth and being skinny. We are bombarded with print and TV ads touting how we are supposed to look. The anti-aging industry is a million dollar enterprise and it feeds mostly on women. The desire of women to look young and sexy is not something new. This has been going on for ages. 

There was a time when I bought into the concept, and the belief that life would be better and I would be happier if I continued to look young. Gratefully, that time has been long gone. 

To my aging sisters who are reading this, I encourage you to love yourself as you are. Embrace your body and nurture and nourish it with that which you love. Please know that whether you look 80 or 40, you are beautiful and are a sensual human being. You are much more than the clothes you wear or the style of your hair. Stand strong and sure in your feminine glory and let your light shine. Remember: age is just a number, but how you feel about yourself and present yourself to the world is what really matters. In the end, your nurturing love and being matters much more than your age.

YOU ARE YOU

 “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” ― Dr. Seuss

This is such a simple truth, and yet it is missed by many. My observation of humanity, including myself, is how easily we get caught up in our labels, our roles and our story. As a result, we wind up forgetting who we are, and believing we are something we are not. 

The last seminar I wrote and presented was called YOU ARE YOU. I wrote the program with the desire to help us become aware of who we really are. I see, and hear, so many who identify with what they do, who they know and what they have.

We are each divine creations of consciousness. We are the essence of love, kindness, compassion and genuine mercy. We are so much more than what and who we think we are. 

Because we live in such a busy world, it seems to me we have created a huge disconnection. We may be more connected technologically, but energetically we have moved away from the earth, family values, quiet, soul and spirit. We have moved away from the truth of who we are. We are humans and we are each part of a huge, human family. 

In the busyness, we get caught up in living and surviving the demands of the accelerated changes taking place. In order to survive the insanity and onslaught of the world, and all it entails, we have to take the time to remember who we are, so we can stand firmly in that truth. 

The media is constantly telling us what to believe, how to look, what to wear, what drugs to take, and what to eat and drink. They even attempt to define what success looks like. Have you noticed the focus is mostly about what is outside of us, the externals of life, as opposed to who you are and is your life congruent with your words and actions. What really matters?  That your clothes match or that your soul is at peace? 

It feels like we are using our energy to form the world around us instead of making peace with the world inside us. 

I want you to know that you are not your body, your life story, the role you play, the labels you carry, who your ego says you are, or your personality.  Because someone says you are something, does not mean you are. Because you believe something to be true, does not necessarily mean it is true. Because someone said you would never amount to anything, does not make it true. You may have been called stupid, dumb, crazy, rebellious, silly, a know it all, or a jerk. No matter what you have been called or what light you have been cast in, I hope you will remember this simple truth. YOU ARE YOU.

Think on this for a while. This is the essence of who you are:

Energy, love, joy, peace, magnificence, starseed material, part of all that is, alive, connected to all, beautiful, light, consciousness, awareness, the face of god/goddess/allah/all there is, multi-sensory, an evolving soul, powerful beyond your wildest imagination and a spirit in human form. 

Meditate on the above for a while. Take each of these descriptions into your heart by reminding yourself that  this is the essence of who you are.  Say a sentence out loud, that begins with I AM, and insert each of the words above into your sentence. I am energy. I am love, etc. 

To return to knowing who you are requires courage, commitment, self-love and remembering. 

We are all worthwhile humans and we all deserve to have a life filled with light, love, joy and peace. Even when we are at our worse, we are still worthy of love and fulfillment. Returning to our authentic self is a gradual unfolding, an act of grace and self-love. It does not happen in a day or a moment, just as our loss of self did not happen in a day or a moment. 

You matter! You are here for a purpose! Be all of who you are! Be authentically you!💖💖

GRIEF

 

Grief:  1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. 2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow. 3. Informal. trouble; difficulty; annoyance.

For some reason, most of humanity seems to equate grief with something to be avoided at all cost. We want to run from sadness or emotional pain. We want to escape feeling loss or sorrow. 

I do understand that we are a society of "positivity" and think that to feel what is really there is to miss the boat, and to somehow be wrong about life. We want to turn all losses into wins, instead of allowing self to be with the loss and grieve it.

I find myself facing grief often. I feel a sense of loss about life in general and my life in particular. I grieve the loss of life as I knew it and find myself saying all too often, "Please take me back to the 40's and50's when life was so much simpler." 

One of the things I have the most nostalgia about when it comes to the 40's and50's, is that family all lived close by. People were not scattered all over the country and the world. We (my family) and friends, all lived within an hour or so from each other. Most of us could ride our bikes to spend the day with a friend or a cousin. My grandparents were present, we celebrated every holiday, birthday and Sunday together. I don't think I appreciated that when I was younger, but I certainly do appreciate it now. And I have a longing and a sadness within over the fact that I miss my family. I miss my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I miss my cousins. I miss life as I used to know it.

I also grieve the loss of the days when there were winners and losers. Everyone did not have to win. In fact, it was important that we knew how to lose gracefully and how to celebrate ours and others successes.

I miss the days when I had a healthy body and I could do almost anything. I did not realize what a wonderful gift good health is until I lost mine. 

I miss spending Sundays with family. We always had family dinners, including when my children were growing up. Dinner with family was always important cause it was a time to gather around a table and share the bounty of the earth with each other. Family dinners were full of conversation, and I miss that.

I still grieve the loss of my mother and my brother. I knew my mother was going so I was prepared for her death but I was not ready to give up my brother. He and I were the only two left and we had grown to the place of openly sharing our lives and love with each other. I really miss him. 

Feeling loss and emotional sadness is okay. It is much better for us physically, mentally and spiritually to grieve our losses. Tears are good and it is healthy to cry. It is also an act of self-love.

Over the years, I have learned that once I give myself permission to grieve and to cry, I feel so much better. I feel a deep sense of calmness within after I have a good cry. So, go ahead and cry. Let it out, let the catharsis happen. Cry till you are cried out. It is okay to cry with abandon. Wail, if you must. Do whatever you need to do to let go of the grief and sadness. 

Let go of the thought that it is weak to cry; that something is wrong with you if you feel anything other than happiness all the time. Be real!!Be authentic!!

WOMEN SPEAKING UP

 

I am watching, in awe, the women of this country stand up, and stand together, to make their voices heard. Women are saying, "We will not go backwards." "We will not be silent." "We will not let others dictate to us what we can and cannot do with our bodies." " We demand the sane autonomy that men have."

Women are speaking up, marching in the streets and going to the polls in droves, in order to be heard. The days of women sitting silently by as the patriarchy attempts to keep them in their place, is coming to an end, We are standing up for the right to be treated as an equal.

Back in my day, the 1940's and 50's, most women were taught that our place was in the home creating a nice, clean space for the king to be in when he got home, in the kitchen preparing family meals, a cooperative partner in the bedroom who did not have the right to say "no," and the one responsible for raising the children. PLEASE HEAR ME CLEARLY!!  There is nothing wrong with being a homemaker. I stayed home taking care of my children until my baby was in Junior High. I loved my role as a homemaker and still have the highest respect for women who choose to be homemakers. 

My message to women in this specific blog is this. You are a first class citizen. You are not inferior. You are not chattel. You are not owned by anyone. You have a voice and it is okay to use it. You can speak softly or you can holler into a megaphone. Either is okay.

Let me say this again. When I speak or write about the patriarchy, I am not talking about men in general. I love men. I honor and respect men. What I do not honor is the patriarchy, which includes those men who believe it is their god given right to lord it over women. Women are not here to serve men. We are not here to be conquered or kept in our place. 

We are here to use our power to nurture and care for Self and others, not out of a duty, but out of love and compassion for other humans. We are here to be full of ourselves and to live large, to support the sisterhood, to be the epitome of goodness and kindness, to speak the truth and to stand for justice. 

We have the power of the voice and the vote. Let's use them for the good of women and for the good of all mankind. Speak up ladies!!  You matter!! 

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

How do you treat yourself? Do you speak soft, encouraging words to yourself, or do you call yourself names and put yourself down? Do you nurture your body and give it what it needs? Do you feed it healthy foods, give it rest when it is tired, water when it is thirsty and warmth and comfort when it is needed? Do you pay attention to your soul needs for quiet, downtime, introspection and lots of love?

It is important to treat ourselves as we want and need to be treated. To be kind and generous to Self. This is part of keeping ourselves in grace as opposed to aggressing against our self. 

As children, many of us were not taught, or even encouraged, to care for Self. We were pushed to do more, to pay attention, and to do as we were told. Get up, make your bed, mow the lawn, clean the kitchen, sweep the garage etc. were familiar messages for many. Sometimes these were commands, sometimes requests, and often said with a sting of reproach if we did not want to do what was expected. There certainly is nothing wrong with a parent teaching a child to be productive; it becomes harmful to the child when the parent says or does things that makes the child feel something is wrong with them if they do not want to do what they are told to do. Often, in the parent's desire to mold the child into a productive person, they fail to see who the child is, or to hear what the child needs. Children's feelings, thoughts and desires can be overlooked, or even ignored, and treated as unimportant, which is detrimental to the development of the child. 

Generally, parents do not intend to hurt their children's psyches. The intention usually is to make the child conform to what it wants the child to be. Unfortunately, often parents do not know who their child is here to be or what the childs' sacred calling is, so they do what they think they are supposed to do if they are a good parent, and that is to mold the child into an image of their definition of success. 

Is it any wonder we grow up conforming to the desires of others?  

I know too many men and women who drive themselves to be more and to do more, while ignoring the cry of their soul to be quiet, rest awhile and come home to their authentic Self. They do this, not because they long to be busy, but because it is how they were taught to be when they were a child.

Our soul calls us home to a place of peace and contentment, but we can't hear the call when we are too busy trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  

Whoever you are, and wherever your are, you deserve to live in love, and to walk in your sacred purpose. Listen to what your body is telling you, Offer yourself big, healthy doses of nurturing and comfort. Wrap your arms around yourself and give YOU a hug. Put your hands on your heart and softly whisper to yourself, "I am here", "I love you", "I see you". 

Stop, and ask yourself, "What do I need in this moment?"  "How do I feel in this moment?" Asking questions can be good, and answering honestly can be enlightening. 

Come home to yourself. You deserve to be seen and heard and to know you matter. You deserve to live large and inhabit your purpose. I know you matter greatly. Do you know how much you matter?

LARGENESS OF LIFE

 

I believe life is as large as we allow it to be. I also believe we are meant to live large, and only fear keeps us from fulfilling that natural, but often overlooked or denied, part of our being. 

As I think back on my life, I am surprised at how many different paths I have been down.

I've been:

A hair stylist. I owned  a shop for a few years.
A homemaker. I stayed home with my children until my youngest was in Junior High.
A Practice Manager. I managed a four doctor, thirty-five staff orthodontic practice.
A Practice Management Consultant, Seminar/Workshop leader and public speaker. I owned a management consulting firm and traveled the country consulting in orthodontic offices.
A Business Office Manager for a hospital based home health agency.
A facilitator of healing and bonding women's circles.
Owner of a therapeutic, massaging insole business. After ten years of working this business , I retired.
A writer, author and blogger.
A volunteer special advocate for abused, neglected and abandoned children.

I've done many things and been on many paths. Life has taken me in a lot of different directions.

Am I through morphing, moving, growing and changing? I don't know, but I don't think so. I am 81, but still open for new adventures. 

Have I done everything I've wanted to do? No, I would still like to bartend, I know not why. And I wanted to be a psychologist but had to drop out of school for financial reasons. 

As I look back on my life, I am glad I took all the chances I did. Over and over, I forged forward into new territory, and if I had to do it all again, I would do it the same. 

Every new adventure I took, each new territory I explored, I entered with fear and trembling. I was always afraid of failure, of looking stupid and of being thought that I was an imposter, but I kept going. I stuck with each adventure till it was over. When I knew within I was "done", I moved on. 

Today, I know I am a courageous soul, but I was not admired for my courage. In fact,  I was considered to be flighty, a person who could not make up her mind, frivolous, not quite all there, a little crazy, reckless and a gypsy. When I was younger I was a people-pleaser, so it still shocks me when I think of the daring things I chose to do, while knowing I would be judged for doing them. 

But, ho-hum, I pressed on because the largeness of life beckoned to me. I did not know then what I know now, or I should say I had not yet remembered who and what I was. All I did know was that my spirit longed to soar and to be free. 

I'm thankful I followed the call of my heart, because I am where I am due to the leading of spirit, and the courage to follow. 

Humans are created for spontaneity. We are made to be large and to expand. We each make the decision to live a small life or to be vulnerable enough to reach for the brass ring. What decision are you making? Are you settling for the known and the safe, or are you willing to expand? BE LARGE!! BE ALL YOU CAN BE!!

BEING A SEEKER AND CHANGING COURSE

When one way of seeing, doing, or thinking about life no longer works to our advantage, it may be wise to change our course. In most cases, there is more than one way to get from here to there. We can get stuck doing something one way and miss or even refuse to change course and try another way.

The old saying, "But we have always done it this way," can cause us to get stuck in how we do life. I believe, in order to change our course in life, it requires us to change our thinking. Because we have always thought one way about something does not mean we cannot think another way.

A lot of what we do or think has been passed on to us by our caretakers and/or by society, religion and authority figures. Because mom, dad, grandma or the Rabbi or priest said something was absolute does not mean you can't question it. 

When I was growing up, a lot of pedagogy was passed on to me, and I  grabbed hold of it and lived my life according to those rules. I did not question what I was taught, because I believed if an authority figure was teaching it, it must be right. I also was taught that it was unacceptable to question what my elders said. 

As I  got older and began to develop my own life, I started questioning a lot of what I was taught, and my life began to change. Life has actually gotten bigger. Asking "who made that rule?" and "Is this really true?" has set me free from many of my self-imposed/inflicted barriers to larger living.

I always adhered to the belief that it was faux pas to wear white after labor day and to have long hair after age 50. I knew, and I thought rightfully so,  blacks had their own section of town, if you were not a catholic you were going to hell, and if you were gay something was wrong with you.  Children were to be seen and not heard, god was a male figure and if my family or church said something was so, it was so. This was how I lived, the road I walked, and the course I was on.

Gratefully, I grew up and learned it was okay to question the rules of my family, the teachings of my elders and the dogma of the church. I learned I had a brain and it was okay, and even good, to be a critical thinker. I could think for myself!!

As my thinking broadened, so did my life. Some of the questions I asked, and the truths I saw as a result, scared me. As I began to change the dance steps I had always done, I soon found myself out of step with those in my life who were not ready to try new dance steps. I understood that it was easier to cling to long held beliefs and not question anything.  Over a short period of time I began to feel like a pariah, even within my own family.

Let me be clear that I did not begin to question the way of life I had been taught, just for the sake of questioning. The questions started because my soul was longing for expansion. I knew, on some level there was more to life and living than what has been passed on to me. It did not matter if everyone around me believed black was white. I was being pushed from within to take a long hard look at it and see if black was really black. (I am not talking about skin color.) What I did not know at the time was that I was destined to be a seeker. 

I remember, once, a long time ago, my brother and I were both visiting our mother at the same time. He came to me in the kitchen one morning, as I was sitting at the table writing. He gave me a piece of paper with a scripture on it. It was something about seeking. He told he he was worried about me because I always seeking and searching. I was instantly aware that in his mind, he believed something was wrong with me, because I was a seeker. I knew there would be no value in arguing for myself or in trying to make him understand where I was. So I just smiled at him and acknowledged he was right. I was a seeker!!

My heart has always been a seeking heart. When I was younger I did not know that because I did not know it was okay to find my own path in life.

I am still a seeker and probably always will be. I embrace that part of myself. I embrace my longing for more-more clarity, more life and a bigger vision. It is who I am. It is a big part of why I am here. I have learned that the clearer my vision and the larger and lighter my life, the more inclusive I have become, the deeper my empathy for others, and my compassion for the suffering I see in the world has grown.

I paid a price for being a questioner, for stepping outside of the box and coloring outside the lines. But, I do not regret any of it, and I continue to question and seek in order to continually broaden my vision. This is me and I honor my walk and my hunger. 

A BUMP IN THE ROAD OF LIFE

Even though, on many occasions, it feels like my life is getting smaller, it is actually expanding, Due to my continued failing health it seems life is smaller. There are fewer things I can do due to shortness of breath and fatigue, and I am relegated to the couch more often than I like. However, when I look with a clear eye and heart,  I can see how what looks like failure on my part, to keep myself healthy, is really just another bump in the road of life. 

For so long, I have struggled against this thing that is happening to my physical body. Thinking I had finally accepted what was happening, I then realized, instead of giving up struggle I was now struggling against the struggle. The struggle seemed wrong, so I fought the struggle. When I think about it, I can see how ludicrous this sounds and how destructive this can be for anyone. 

The truth is, I don't want to give up having a high energy, healthy body that afforded me the opportunity to do a lot of things in life. I could get up and go at the drop of a hat and now I sometimes even struggle with getting up out of a chair and getting dressed. Forget the extra effort of going out the door and going where I want to go and doing what I want to do. I had few physical restrictions, and now I have many. Some days I feel better than others, but overall, I just don't feel good. I don't feel like myself.

I don't like not feeling good. I don't like not being able to go for a walk. Almost everywhere I go now, someone has to drop me off at the door because I am too fatigued to walk what is usually a short distance from the car to the entrance of where I am going. This is not supposed to be the way life goes.

Accepting that my life has turned upside down and inside out has been very hard for me. But, I feel like I can no longer struggle because the more I struggle the smaller the box feels. I have to let it all go and accept life as it is now. What keeps running through my soul is, "this too shall pass." What also runs through me is the thought/belief that this is just another bump in the road of life, and the key to being okay is to let it all be okay. 

I believe life has the ability to expand from misery, to joy and peace, when we give up resistance and take life as it comes. 

 

Acceptance is a huge concept and it entails giving up the need to control life and to control outcomes. After all, my health was not supposed to take a downward turn. I was supposed to always be in good health and feel good. I took care of my body, ate healthy, exercised and thought I would always be full of energy and vitality. How could my body fail me so?

I am having to realize that nothing or no one has failed me, nor have I done something wrong to bring this upon myself. Rather, it is just what is so. Why did I get sick? I don't know. What do I have to do to get better? I don't know. I have no answers. The medical industry has no answers either. All I do have is the willingness to let it all be and to not make any of it wrong, to remember that life happens, and to get out of the way so I don't impede the progression of life.  

Like everything in life, acceptance is an ongoing process. I don't think we accept once and all struggle is gone. My acceptance level is expanding as I continue to be with what is and live life accordingly. I rest more, I have much more down time and I give myself permission to not feel good. I do believe that as I continue to choose acceptance and find a way to consistently embrace the situation, it will all get a little easier. Who knows? One day, I may get over this bump in the road and be able to look back with tenderness and compassion at "what once was."

ENFOLDING LIFE AS IT UNFOLDS

To enfold is to wrap up, embrace or surround. 

To unfold is to open and spread out, to reveal, display or unwrap.

Enfolding and unfolding are at opposite ends of the spectrum, since one is about embracing or holding close and the other is about opening and spreading out. 

What I know about life is this. If we are awake and aware, and therefore paying attention, we will notice that life continuously unfolds. Events and circumstances are always giving us the opportunity to see life and ourselves in a new way.  

As who I am, the authentic me, unfolds, I am given the choice to either embrace what I see or make it wrong and deny it. We are always at choice about whether we react negatively or respond positively. 

It is not always easy to accept what I see unfolding before my eyes. However, experience has taught me that when I make the decision to let whatever is there to be what it is, and not fight it or deny it, I grow as a human and my soul experiences a new level of healing. 

As I have given myself over to the healing of my childhood wounds, and the growing of my soul, I have had experience after experience happen in my life, and these experiences have presented the opportunity for me to enfold what was unfolding. Often, I wanted to deny what was before my eyes, but thankfully I found the courage to enfold instead. 

One example of what I am talking about is:

About two years ago, some family members came to spend a couple of weeks here at my house. One of my guests was a teenager. Now, let me tell you, I love this child very much and was glad to have her here. However, as the days went by I found myself reacting to her negatively. I was always angry with her. I got to the point where I could hardly bear being around her and made her wrong for everything she did or said. 

Finally, one morning, sitting out on my patio, while thinking about what was going on with this child, and writing about it, I had a great unfolding. Suddenly, before me was the truth of the situation. I saw myself, when I was her age, in her. I saw her doing the things I did out of my discomfort in being who I was. As a young girl,  I longed to be seen, and to be heard and accepted.  Because I felt unseen, unheard and judged for being who I was, I acted out. I said and did inappropriate things. I saw her doing the same things I had done. But most importantly, what really got to me was realizing the pain she was carrying in her being. 

Recognizing her pain activated the unhealed sorrow and pain that I was carrying from my tumultuous teenage years. Seeing myself in her, enabled me to sit with that pain and let it in. As I sat with in, I had a deep awareness of the choice before me.  I could embrace my suffering child within so I could open the door for healing to happen or I could deny the pain I was carrying and just continue to shut her out and therefore shut out the pain that was swirling around in me.  I knew enough to know that until I allowed myself to embrace/enfold this pain, it would not go away. It would be exacerbated and activated whenever faced with a similar situation, such as what I was experiencing. 

The morning this unfolded before me, this sweet little teenager woke up and told another family member that she knew I did not like her. She cried because she felt I was being mean to her.

The other family member came to me and told me how this child was feeling. I told her, "Oh my gosh. She is right. I am just now seeing this unfold before my eyes and I need to apologize to her and make this right."

I went to the child and told her how sorry I was for being mean to her and for rejecting her. I went on to tell her how my behavior had nothing to do with her because she was just being her sweet self, but it had to do with me. I let her know that because I saw my teenage self in her,  all of that hurt and anger I felt then came back up in me. Because I had not yet healed that part of my life, I could not allow it to be in front of me. It brought up too much hurt that needed to be embraced and held lovingly by me, and I had not been willing to do that, so I rejected her. 

Facing our orphans, the pieces of self that we ignore, deny and reject, do not go away. They only go into hiding for a while, but will resurface again and again. Invariably, someone will say or do something and BAM, that stuff is activated. The result is usually pain or anger or both. Because we are endowed with choice we can either acknowledge/embrace what has been activated, or we can continue to push it back down and not let the light shine on it. 

Thankfully, I was able to enfold that which was unfolding,and she and I were able to reach out to each other. As I shared my insight with her, she was able to hear me  and we held each other and we cried together. It was a healing time for me and for this precious teenage girl. 

It is not easy to enfold the unacceptable parts and memories of our lives, but it is important if we want to lead an authentic life and be at peace.