Friday, August 30, 2024

JUST BE AND JUST BREATHE



I remember, after having open heart surgery in 2010, I heard a voice within saying, "the only thing required of you is to be and to breathe." Here is the story of how that came to be. 

I did not have a heart attack, in fact I did not even know I had any heart issues. I walked every day and was very active. I was sixty-eight and I felt great.

In 2010, I began to notice a tightness in my throat when I was walking. I went to my PCP thinking maybe I was having indigestion,. She gave me Prilosec to try, and since I was getting ready to fly to New Orleans for a two-week visit with my mother and family, she scheduled a stress test for me when I returned.

Two weeks later I had the stress test and had to be removed from the treadmill due to shortness of breath. They finished the tests chemically and I then had to sit and wait for a cardiologist to come talk to me.

He came in the room, introduced himself, and had a seat across from me. He said, "Ms. Marroy. You have blockage in your heart and we need to schedule you for a heart cath to see where the blockage is." You could have knocked me over with a feather. I remember saying back to him, "Are you talking to me?  I am healthy and active so this cannot be me." After assuring me it was me, he asked if there was heart disease in my family. I told him my mother had triple bypass, my uncle died from heart disease and my grandpa had angina. I also had high cholesterol at the time, but I mistakenly thought I was going to bypass the heart issues that ran in my family. I seriously had no clue that anything was wrong with my heart. 

I had the heart cath done in a couple of days and found out that because the blockage was in the bifurcation they would have to do a single bypass. The following week I was in the hospital having my chest sawed open.

I went through surgery fine and two days later they gave me a pill called Metoprolol, which caused my heart to stop for nine seconds. I was taken back to the CCC and kept there for twenty-four hours. When my heart regulated itself they took me back to my room and I was supposed to be discharged within two days.

The morning of my discharge, I went to stand up and down I went. My blood pressure had dropped and I hit the floor. They decided to keep me in the hospital longer.

By this time I was falling into a depression, Thankfully, my hospital room had a large window which faced Mill Mountain. For the next two days, as they continued to monitor me, I sat in a recliner by the window. The nurses has turned the chair for me so it faced the beautiful greener than green mountain.

I would sit in that chair and cry because I did not know where to go in life from where I was. Would there be restrictions on my life because of my heart? Would I have to change my way of life? I cried and I talked to Spirit, and I cried more and talked to Spirit more.

One day, in the midst of my depression and feeling of great loss, Spirit spoke back to me and I heard these words, "The only thing required of you, is for you to just be and just breathe." I knew there was nothing else to do at this point but to listen to what I heard. I felt a lightness within, and hope began to take hold of me as I let the enormity of what was being said to me sink in. 

I realized I was not being required to do anything-only be and breathe. This was the beginning of my understanding of the extreme difference between doing and being. I also came to realize we do not have to earn a living, we only have to breathe in order to be alive. There is nothing to do, nothing to earn. Just be and breathe.

Over the years, as I have consciously continued to practice being and breathing, I have come to appreciate more and more, the beauty of knowing that busyness does not get me to the peaceful, quiet place I long to be-only being and breathing can do that.

I no longer have to work for my sense of well-being. I don't have to strive for my inner peace, I only have to be and breathe.

I sometimes forget and catch myself thinking I need to do something, or run to and fro, or do things in a certain way so I will be seen as okay or so I can feel good about myself. Then I come to my senses and remember, all that is required of me is to be and to breathe.

It took depression, a sense of loss, and open heart surgery to change my life and bring me to a place of quiet within. I am very grateful for life, and for the breath of life that keeps me alive!! 






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