YOU ARE.....

You are......Worthy, lovable, deserving of peace and awesome.

No matter what you do, what your job is, how much you own, how big or small your house is, how much or how little money you have, or what kind of car you drive. No matter what!! You are a worthwhile human who matters. How do I know this? Because we are all created by the creator in the image of the creator. We are all spirit beings in a human body, here on planet earth, having a human experience. We tend to forget our inherent self-worth when we get entangled in the lower reaches of our humanity and forget we are living, breathing souls walking around in a human body.

I lived for years out of a deep sense of unworthiness and shame. I knew all the things I had done and said, as a human, over the years. I said many unkind things to many people, I reacted often in anger and self-righteousness, I did things that were unbecoming and I reacted too many times in ugliness. I self-aggressed through giving others control of my body so I could have a few minutes of acceptance, through eating unhealthy foods and burning the candle at both ends. I put myself in harms way by acting stupidly with no thought of what the outcome might be.

I didn't do it all, but I did a lot. And I did it all with no realization that I was self-aggressing, and definitely no idea at all that underneath all the indignities and harm I put myself through, there was a worthwhile being living in my body. I did not know that I deserved to be nurtured, treated kindly and loved for who I was.

It was the early 1980's when I consciously realized something was missing. I had already left organized religion and was flirting with new age beliefs. I had completed the est training and was slowly waking up to life, spirituality and myself.  I was on a journey of self-realization and did not know it at the time. I longed for authenticity and somehow knew in order to be authentic, I would have to find out who I really was underneath all the crap I lived out of and believed to be true. I wanted to reach a higher level of consciousness because somehow I knew there was more to life than what I knew and believed. I put my foot on the path to uncovering myself, healing my childhood wounds and finding my self-worth.

I have been on this path for forty-three years and am still uncovering pieces of myself that were tucked away deep within my being.  I have learned first hand how we tuck away and deeply cover over the parts of us that others say, by word or deed, are unlovable and unacceptable parts. I am talking about those parts like: you are lazy, stupid, dumb, ugly, fat, skinny, a slut or a Romeo, too short or too tall, not like your brother, sister or cousin, or too much like your mom, dad or other family member, you can't do anything right, your nose is too big, you are mean, etc. I hope you get the drift. 

I want to be clear that words and deeds that affect our sense of self-worth are not always spoken in anger. Most parents do love their children and have no intention of harming their child. However, most parents also have a deep (usually unspoken and often unacknowledged) desire for the child to be a certain way. This is where the problem comes in. Unavailable, or unwilling to face their own pain, they live with unhealed childhood wounds and act out of their own wounding. It is just what we do, without meaning to destroy a child's self-worth, and cause the child to think something is flawed within. As children, we usually bend to the status quo because that is how we get the approval we need from our caretakers. 

And, so the cycle continues. Deeply wounded people with low self worth create more deeply wounded people with low self worth. I know so many who are trapped in their shame based life who either go within and are too afraid to use their voice, and they become silent.  Or they become hooked on control as a way of believing they are always right.  That way they can pretend they have good self worth. I leaned more towards the latter, but was silent a lot also for fear of saying something that would make someone not like me. It really is a vicious cycle, but thankfully its a cycle that can be broken. 

The best part of my healing journey,  and the most painful part, has been and still is, going within and identifying my core issues so I can bring them to light. This is called shadow work. This is where I am seeing my true self and giving myself permission to be who I am, forgiving myself and loving myself as I am, with all of my flaws. I am learning to allow myself to be perfectly imperfect.

I am now at a place where I can acknowledge anger, shame, anxiety, fear, brokenness, sadness or any of the "negative" emotions we humans usually do not want to be associated with. I am learning that whatever I feel is okay. It is just what I feel and to make some feelings good and some bad is part of the low self worth cycle. Because we may have been taught that something is wrong with us if we feel a certain way does not mean it is true. I have been taught many things in life by well meaning people that I have found out are not true. When we can give self permission to feel whatever we feel without making self wrong, we can be real. 

As I have said before, "The more I know, the more I know how much I don't know. But, what I do know, I know." And, this is something I know: underneath our angst, doubt, fear and worry lies a deep vein of love, peace and joy. It is there, often buried under the stories we tell ourselves about life. Be willing to mine for the gold, mine for the diamonds. What we all long for is already here,  stuffed under the buried, but still there, parts we consider unacceptable.

Know this:

You are.... a worthwhile human, a lovable soul, you deserve to be at peace within. You deserve to know and honor your worth. You are loved, loving and lovable.

YOU MATTER GREATLY!!

A FEW THINGS I HAVE LEARNED

 

One of the good things about living as long as I have, is being able to sit and take notice of what I have learned over the years. I am 82 and still learning, and still growing and unfolding into who I came here to be. It has been quite a journey, and to me, one of the best parts of the journey, is seeing life through new eyes. As I continue to stay open to life and to change, I find myself having more and more ah-ha moments.

One morning this week, as I sat on my newly screened in back porch,  I had an awareness of how life has changed for me. A lot of the change has been on the inside, but there has been great change on the outside also.  I see things happening in the world that I  never dreamed I would ever see or hear. Some of it I can handle, a lot of it I find myself tolerating. What many today call "progress", I call hogwash, and wish I could wave a wand and make it disappear. I tolerate receiving an electronic message on a special occasion instead of a hand-written card; seeing the health care system turn into a medical industry; watching untold numbers of pharmaceutical commercials on every TV show, watching families out for a meal sit around the table and instead of talking, each has a phone in their hand, and worst of all, calling a business and having to jump through hoops to talk to a live person. 

But, I digress. It is easy to get on my soap box about our "modern" world, but this piece is about lessons learned in my life. I have been journaling about 3 of my greatest, life changing lessons so far. They are: 1)learning it is okay to say no, 2)it is okay to cry whenever I feel the need, and 3) I don't have to do anything to be okay.

SAYING NO

It has taken years for me to learn to say no. Because I was such a people pleaser, and so in need of approval and acceptance, I said yes often, even when I wanted to say no. As a result, I overextended myself to the point of overwhelm, I did things I did not want to do, and I sold myself short over and over. As my self-worth grew, and I began to know and appreciate myself on a deep level, I found myself developing and using the gift of saying no. The more I grew to the place of genuinely liking and appreciating myself, the less it mattered if others felt the same. I still want to be liked and accepted, I just am no longer needing to sell myself short in order to be approved. 

CRYING

In therapy, I learned that until we give ourselves the gift of tears, it is hard for us to let others cry. If we can't cry, another person crying can feel threatening. Letting them have their tears, may topple my deeply held fear and belief that it is unacceptable to cry.

Crying is a gift from creator. Shedding tears is so freeing and so cathartic for the soul. I had a hard time crying because I was taught as a child that crying was bad; it was not allowed. When I cried I was often told to stop crying or my grandpa would give me something to cry about. When I would feel very sad I would go into my bedroom and cry alone into my pillow. Crying was a sign of weakness and it signaled something was wrong and that was not allowed. 

I am grateful for my first therapist who gave me permission to cry and who showed me the importance of crying when I was sad, instead of laughing the sadness away. I am so aware of others who have not yet given themselves the gift of tears. They are the ones who try to make you laugh when you are sad. There are not many who can sit with someone who is sad and just hold them and let them have their sadness.

I also, unashamedly, cry when happy, which I have found can be annoying to others. It seems it doesn't matter if the tears are happy tears or sad tears, some people just can't allow others to cry. I am just the opposite in that I hold people close and encourage their tears, when I see or hear sadness in their voice.  Crying is good, shedding tears is healthy,.

I AM OKAY

It took me a long time to get to the point of knowing I am okay, just because I am. I always thought I had to be doing something, or behaving in a certain way, in order to be okay. I seriously did not know I was okay. No one ever suggested in any way, that I could just relax and not try so hard to feel like I fit in, or that I mattered in this big world. Thanks to my therapist who was the first to help me understand and know my worth.

As I look back on my journey, I can clearly see how creator energy, in her love and benevolence, saw my hunger and thirst for something real and, gently, step by step, helped me find the path that would take me home to myself. The closer I get to home, to my core, to my unchanging spirit, the clearer I see who I am and why I am here. 

_______________________________________________________________________________

A big part of self-care is learning to say no, giving self permission to cry, when needed, and knowing you are okay. No one should have to work for approval or acceptance, no one should feel they have to say yes when everything within is crying no, and no one should have to stuff their tears because they think it is not okay to cry.

We all matter.

We are all important.

We all have emotions.

Therefore, I need to say to all who are reading these words: You are loved! You are here for a purpose! Your life matters! 

So, go ahead! Give yourself a few gifts today! Cry like there is no tomorrow! Let the tears flow. Say no to something or somebody you need to, and want to, say no to. Then give yourself permission to sit back, do nothing except take a few deep breaths, and remind yourself that who you are is okay. 

OUR STORIES

 

This is a continuation of my blog from last week, "Missing for a While and Yet I Rise."

 As I was coming out of the dark place I had been in, I noticed my longing for clarity. I wanted some insight into what was going on in my life. I knew I was in a place that was pregnant with healing possibilities; I just did not know how to see, hear or receive what was there for the taking. The darkness was so thick it was hard to see the light.

 One of the physical ailments I had been enduring for quite some time, was having a very stiff, painful neck.  As it began to dawn on me how much I was suffering with my neck, I had an ah-ha moment.  I realized I was being stiff necked about something. I was resisting seeing or knowing something that was in front of me.  What was it?

Finally, the answers started to come. As my sister friends began to ask me, "why didn't you tell me what was going on with you?", I began to see something. What I saw was, when I am in deep emotional and/or physical pain, I have a problem with reaching out to others.  However, if you reach in to me, I will and can respond. So, while I was sitting in pain and darkness and not reaching out to others, I was living in the story of, "nobody cares", "I don't matter" and "I am not important."

This story stems from childhood where I learned to take my emotional pain to my bedroom and cry into my pillow. Or, I learned to stifle it and hold back the tears in fear of being told, "if you don't stop that crying I will give you something to cry about."

When I was a child and I was in pain, I really believed no one cared. I do not remember being held or nurtured when I was suffering. Of course, when I fell off my bike and injured myself, my wounds were taken care of, but my soul wounds were ignored. No one in my family knew what to do for a child who was suffering deep emotional wounding. So, I knew better than to reach out to anyone because that was not allowed. Besides, I did not know how to put words to the sorrow and grief I carried over having my daddy ripped out of my life, and then being told he did not care about me.

I have learned over the years, since I put my foot on this soul healing journey, that our stories rule and inform our lives. As we grow in age, and maybe maturity, we do not just drop our stories. These stories are embedded in our brain, cells, muscles, bones and entire being. We live our stories. 

Our stories are formed according to how we perceive our experiences.  If we are ignored, our story might be that we do not matter, or no one cares. If we are abused physically, mentally or sexually, our story might be that we have no value or worth. If we are not as important as a brother or sister, our story might be that we are less than, or we can't measure up.  If we are constantly being made to feel no matter what we do it is never right, or never quite good enough, our story might be that we have to do more or be more. The stories we tell ourselves as a child in order to survive and somehow make sense of our experience becomes a way of life for us.

Unless, and until, we pay attention to our life, we may never become aware of which story is running our life. In that case, the same old story continues to play in a loop in the background and our life continues to be informed by it.

We are never too old, and it is never too late, to pay attention to that subconscious message that is running our life. That message that makes us think there is never enough, we have to be in control, we can't ask for what we need, we can't stop and take a breath and we have to earn the right to be here. 

I am very grateful to have been given the insight as to what is going on in my life that has been keeping me stuck in a hard, dark place. I was asking Spirit for an answer, some clarity for healing. One night, towards the middle of February, I woke up startled. I had been in the middle of an important dream and I needed to remember it. 

I got out of bed, came to the kitchen table, opened my journal and began to write about my dream.  Towards the end of writing, I had a flash of insight and immediately saw what Spirit was wanting me to see. 

In my dream there was a little girl who kept following me. I was somewhere out west. I knew she wanted something from me but I kept pushing her away. No matter where I went, she showed up. I was irritated with her cause she would not leave me alone.

My flash of insight showed me that this little girl represented me. She was clamoring for attention. She wanted to be seen and heard. Her need for attention upset me and made me uncomfortable. I wanted her to go away. 

As I sat with this, knowing this was me, I saw that she was showing me that unhealed part of myself that needed to know I mattered, needed to know it was okay to cry and let my pain be known to those around me, even if others cannot acknowledge my sadness and pain. I saw how beautiful, tender and precious I was and how much I mattered. 

Sobbing, I figuratively took that little girl in my arms and told her I was here for her; I saw her and heard her need to know she was important. I also let her know she deserved to be loved, nurtured and cared for, that softness and vulnerability was okay and that I would not abandon her.

Since going through this enlightening process, I feel better in my body and my soul. I know that as I continuously change the tape that is my story, I will continue to heal body, soul and spirit. Healing is happening!!!

LISTENING

 "When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen, not talk or do-just hear me."   On Listening by Ralph Roughton

I do believe listening is a skill many do not have. We are taught to read and write. We are taught how to pronounce words and speak correctly. But, there are few classes on how to listen.

When I owned my management consulting firm, I used to write and present seminars and workshops. One of the favorites for me to present, and for the participants, was "Communication." It seemed to be an eye-opener for many to come to the understanding that they lacked the skill of listening. 

Some listening statistics:

Approximately 55% of our total communication time is spent listening.
On the average, Americans listen at an effective rate of only 25% and our immediate recall of the average brief message is 50%.
Within 48 hours we tend to forget 25% of what we heard
85% of what we know we learn by listening.

Listening is the total process of understanding the meaning conveyed by another. Therefore, to really hear what someone is saying we need to commit more than our sense of hearing to the process. We need to listen with our eyes watching for facial expressions, body language and gestures. We also need to listen with our heart so we can hear what's not being said.

We stop listening, or just don't listen, for many reasons. When I was a child and I was being lectured to, I'd hear what was being said with my ears, but the message went in one ear and out the other. The reason I didn't listen was because of the trigger words that were being used. 

Most of us. whether we are children or adults, respond negatively and stop listening when we hear the phrases: you should, you shouldn't, you always or you never. These are words that make most of us go deaf because we immediately have our anger or shame issues triggered by the words or phrases. 

Have you ever been trying to tell someone how you feel about something and wind up being hollered at, or put down by the other person? Have you ever tried expressing your feelings to another and have them tell you not to feel the way you feel? This is what happens when we do not know how to really listen and hear what someone is saying. 

When my husband and I first got serious about each other we made an agreement to communicate fairly and honestly. We agreed we would not use the words should, shouldn't, always or never in our debates or disagreements. Making blanket statements are unfair and almost always end in an argument or a shut down. Besides, what's true for most of us is we don't always, seldom never, and really, how could you possibly know what I should or shouldn't do. 

I believe many relationships fail because of lack of listening, and in many cases, due to lack of knowing how to say what we feel. When our statements to others are criticizing and demeaning, the listener jumps on the defense and cannot hear what is being said. When we are able to speak softly, and without blame, letting the other person know how we feel and what we need, without making them wrong and blaming them for how we feel, we can usually be heard. 

Sharing feelings and needs, and learning to listen to others, are a large part of what makes a relationship healthy and satisfying. It is never too late to start the practice of honing our listening skills. Start today. Put down whatever it is that you are doing and pay attention to others when they speak. Really listen!! Listen with your heart, not just your ears. You may be surprised at what you hear and what you learn when you start to listen. 

WE ALL NEED TO BE HEARD 💖💗💞

THE LITTLE PLEASURES OF LIFE

 

It is important to have pleasure in our lives. Pleasure, or even the thought of it, motivates people. Pleasure is good, and it is alarming how many people are afraid of pleasure. Many believe if they have too much pleasure, pain will follow. It's like pain is the price we have to pay for pleasure. I do not believe this. I have a sense there is much in life that is here for us to enjoy.

I have many pleasures, and I delight in all of them. A few of my pleasures are reading a good book, riding slowly through the mountains or forests on the back of our motorcycle, wrapping myself up in my warm fuzzy robe on a chilly night, well prepared food, a glass of Evan Williams honey whiskey in the evening, intimate conversations with friends, family gatherings, sitting quietly on my patio watching the birds, butterflies and squirrels and talking to the trees, sunrises and sunsets and following through with an original idea or project. Since getting sick in my physical body over a year ago, sadly, some of my pleasures have been curtailed. 

When Paul and I first met seventeen years ago, nothing pleased us more than getting on our motorcycle and taking off for parts unknown. We sometimes had a destination but were prone to take the long way to get there.

When we ride, we are truly engrossed in the journey and the pleasure we derive from being out in the open. We mostly stick to back roads and over the years we have seen a lot of americana in small towns off the beaten path.

We take trips on our motorcycle and absolutely delight in strapping a suitcase to our luggage rack and off we go.

One of my favorite motorcycle trips was in Ireland. We rented a motorcycle in a town outside of Dublin and for nine days traversed the island. We had no reservations and no agenda. We just rode. Some places were so delightful,  like the Caha Mountains, we went twice. 

Another delightful trip was when we were headed for the Poconos and wound up in New York in the Adirondacks. We hit the Poconos on the way back!!

I really enjoy our motorcycle rides, however for the past one and a half years, we have not done much riding because of my extreme fatigue and general sense of not feeling good. I miss those rides and hope I will feel good enough one day soon to experience copious amounts of motorcycling. 

Another great pleasure of mine is eating good food. I am a "from scratch" cook and baker and I used to make so many enticing, tasty dishes and desserts. Being a Cajun girl from Southeast Louisiana, I specialize in good Cajun cooking. Before I got sick, I would have fresh home baked breads, cookies and cakes around and often cooked a pot of gumbo or jambalaya. 

I still cook some and occasionally will bake, but for the most part that has all gone by the wayside, because one of the symptoms of my illness is a loss of taste. Now to some, that may not be an issue, but I am one who eats slowly, thoroughly chewing my food and paying attention to the explosion of tastes in my mouth as I eat a meal. I also am, so often, too tired to stand and prepare meals and baked goods, so I don't cook like I used to.

Today when I eat, I still eat slowly and pay attention to the food I am eating, but due to lack of taste, eating a meal is just something I do to fuel my body. I really miss the pleasure I used to get out of my food. I still have a little taste but what is left seems to be tainted. Every once in a while I will eat something that is really delicious. At those times I am filled with gratitude that I can taste the food. 

I have heard people use the term "guilty pleasure." Personally, I am not sure what that is because try as I might I cannot find a down side to experiencing pleasure, unless you are hurting someone or something. We all need those moments of pleasure. 

I believe pleasure has a transcendent value. Kahlil Gibran, in The Prophet, writes that pleasure is a freedom-song, a by-product of spiritual freedom. This freedom is experienced when a person has the ability to say yes to life. Think about the concept of saying yes to life and yes to those things that bring you pleasure. We all deserve to experience  that which bring delight to our hearts. Don't say no. Delight in your pleasures because you never know when they will be curtailed for a while, or totally eliminated. 

ABANDONMENT

I know what abandonment looks like and feels like. I am one of the estimated 98% of people in the world who experienced being abandoned.

Over the years I have learned that abandonment is far deeper than being physically left. Many believe that having two parents in the home precludes abandonment. However that is not true. There are millions of people with abandonment issues who grew up in a two parent home. 

Children suffer abandonment issues when they are not seen or heard, not respected or honored, called names, made to feel or look stupid, shamed for one reason or another, not loved for who they are, have their thoughts and ideas trivialized, treated like they are in the way and told they are a pain in the ass and they are driving the caretaker crazy. Anything that makes a child feel they are not enough, or something is wrong with them, creates the pain of abandonment. 

Due to being physically abandoned by my daddy and being raised by adults who were emotionally unavailable, I grew up with huge abandonment issues. My family loved me and meant well, but in their inability to see what was happening to me, they failed to understand my pain and loneliness. They were unable to see the trauma I was in, so instead of giving me understanding, acceptance and care, I was shamed for my pain and forced to deal with issues a child cannot possibly deal with.

Doing what only a child could do, I created a story that something was wrong with me, that I was somehow flawed. Once we create a story about our experience of life, we live out that story until we come to a place on our path where we are able to identify the story, step out of it, and create a new one that is based on present truth. Our story creates our basic belief about self and life, and from our story we form the practice of self-abandonment. 

Make no mistake: our story informs our life. It is like we are being led around with a ring in our nose and we can't pull away for fear of having our nose ripped open. That's how huge an impact our story has on our life.

Though I have done a lot of processing on my abandonment issues, I now realize those first few years of dealing with this stuff was about peeling the outer layers away. The fear I carried all my life about being abandoned by others or by the world and its systems (job, money, relationships, etc) has greatly dissipated. What I now face is my self-abandonment issues.

Self-abandonment is an insidious disease that eats away at the core of life. It is not only insidious but it is also covert. It hides itself well until we are ready to see it for what it is. Anyone with abandonment issues cannot help but practice self-abandonment. It goes with the territory. It's what we learned. It's what we know.

Some of the ways we abandon self are:

Overactive mind with no shut off valve, constant worry with the inability to let things go, not allowing self to feel or to express emotions, especially sadness, not listening to our body by staying busy and not letting the body rest, shutting out compliments  or turning away help by denying we need it, refusing to be vulnerable, and taking on more than we can handle, adding stress to our life. 

We also contribute to our self abandonment by eating a lot of unhealthy foods.  We focus our attention on looking better on the outside while ignoring our inner needs, we constantly buy more stuff hoping to feel better, we are five sensory instead of multi-sensory and stay stuck in fear of the unknown. 

Self-abandonment comes naturally to us when we have abandonment issues. We do not get up in the morning and decide to abandon self on that day. When we have been abandoned by our primary caretakers, we easily learn to abandon self, UNTIL we take notice and make a conscious choice to begin the journey home to our inner being.

The healing process brings us home to the innocent, beautiful self we are, the one who knew how magnificent we were, the one who believed we could do anything, sing off-key at the top of our voice, dance without rhythm in front of a crowd, the one who knew no fear, the beautiful one who was present in our life before shame for not being enough or for not doing it right rook over. If our caretakers had any shame, we inherited it. 

Going home to our inner core, to that which was left behind, is the ultimate self-care. Are you ready for the journey to reclaim your authentic peaceful being? All it takes is a willing and courageous heart.  

A few suggested practices to assist you on your journey to self discovery:

• Carve out some quiet moments for yourself
• Learn how to breathe deeply from your diaphragm
• Notice how others treat you and speak to you
• Practice kindness towards your self:  rest your body, feed yourself healthy food, spend time in nature, stop any negative self talk, have a good cry, speak your truth, ask for what you want and need, nurture yourself
• If necessary, find a good therapist
• Have someone in your life you can speak your truth to
• Read uplifting books that encourage growth and inner child healing *

You matter and without you the universe would not be the same!!

* Suggested reading:

Alchemy 365: A Self Awareness Workbook by Brenda Lightfeather Marroy

The Seekers Guide by Elizabeth Lesser

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

Any and all books by Sark

PEACE OUT

 

AS THE DOOR CLOSES

 

I have said many times, and have known for years, that I am here to learn and to grow. Planet Earth is my school and life is my teacher. This may be true for all of us, we just are not all aware of it. 

Because I always look at life through the eyes of a hungry student, I look inside life for the ah-ha moments. I have learned that if I stay open and aware, the gift inside the experience will show itself. Well, I had another ah-ha moment this week and once again, I was shown the value of trusting spirit and letting go, knowing everything is as it should be, even when most of my senses are saying "Oh hell no," and I want to struggle with what is.

This week Paul, suddenly lost his job. He called me Wednesday morning to ask me to come pick him up in North Carolina, because he had been let go from the company. Paul has been truck driving for ten years, eight years with this company, and has a clean DMV record. This job kept him on the road from Sunday afternoon to Friday and the only day he could count on being home was Saturday.

For the past three months he has been looking for a local driving job, one where he could be home every day and on weekends. He has put in close to a hundred applications, all online of course, and the only calls he has received has been from over the road companies. 

I had given up hope that he would ever find anything local that paid what he needed to make, and that had good benefits. I had reconciled myself to the thought that he would probably be on the road forever because no local companies were calling him.

On Thursday morning, after losing his job the day before,  he got up, took a shower and grabbed a handful of resumes and copies of his DMV record, and headed for the door. He said he was going to go to a few local companies that hired CDL drivers and leave his resume. 

He arrived at the first company, walked into the office and told them who he was, that he was a local truck driver with over ten years experience and he was looking for a job where he could be home every day. The person in charge looked at his resume, asked him if he could take a drivers test and off they went in the company truck. When they got back to the office he sent Paul for a drug screen and to his have his fingerprints done. When that was done they gave him a packet of employee papers and told him to come home and fill them all in and return them the next day. He was hired. The job pays what he was making and has full benefits. Hallelujah!!

The lesson, the ah-ha moment in this, was when spirit reminded me that I had been told, "when one door closes, another one opens."  I already knew that if the door was closing and I was too afraid to walk out, creator energy would see to it that I left, even if the door had to be slammed shut on me.

That is what happened this week. Paul had been looking for local work, knowing it was time to come home and to leave this company he had been with for years. He wanted a local job but was also hesitant in his heart about leaving the company.  I believe the universe intervened and made him leave so he would be free to job search for something local.

When this happened, I remembered an incident in my life. Back in the 1980's I was in a business partnership with another woman. We owned a management consultant firm and we specialized in working with orthodontic offices. 

After about a year and a half of running our business together, she had a big change in her life. She joined an evangelical church and was gung ho on her new religion. She began to proselytize me and though I told her I was not interested, she continued in her quest to bring me into the fold.  The more I resisted, the more she insisted, and it finally became a struggle. Nothing I did or said was right and we were at odds with each other. I knew I needed to bow out of that partnership and go out on my own, but I was afraid to do that. I did not have the financial means to start my own business, plus I lacked the confidence to go on my own, so I kept trying to work with her, while laying low.

Finally, because I did not have the courage to walk out, she had the locks changed, so when I went to work I could not get in the building. I thought about putting up a fight but something in me knew I needed to walk away, and that another door was going to open. My investment in the business was more knowledge of how to run an orthodontic office, rather than financial. 

About two weeks later my family came to visit and I has a chance to talk to my grandfather. I told him what had happened and that I wanted to open my own consulting business. I had already written a newsletter to send out to introduce my new venture and just needed the capital to buy a national mailing list, a few office machines and a post office permit for bulk mailing. My grandfather offered to give me the money I needed and I was able to move forward with my own venture.

I ran that business for many years and became quite successful as a consultant,  regional and national speaker, seminar leader and trainer.  Eventually I closed the business down because it was time to move on.

In both of these stories, the lesson has been to trust the closed door and let life take us in a new direction. I also learned that I could count on spirit to move me when I needed to move, but refused to do so, due to fear. 

Change is scary, and I am very grateful that even when I have resisted change, it has happened anyway. Creator energy continues to move in mine and Paul's life, as it moves in all of our lives. I think we miss growth and change when we hard-heartedly resist life. It may not always look like it is going in the direction we think it should be going, but I do believe it goes in the direction that is most productive for our growth and healing. 

As the door closes, let it close, and just wait for another door to open.

PATIENTLY WAITING

This morning, while reading Sue Monk Kidd's book, When the Heart Waits, I had the realization that I am still partially addicted to quick and quicker. Though I can often sit still and wait for something to happen, or to change, there are those moments when I want to jump up, get busy and hurry the process. I sometimes want to make things happen on my time schedule, as opposed to happening at the right time.

Occasionally, I want to just reach into my being and pull out the "weeds" of suffering, anger, anxiety, sadness, depression and whatever else is lingering.  I sometimes cry out in the night, "Why can't the process be quicker? Why can't the wounds I have carried within since I was a child heal instantly?"  I sometimes wish Creator would come along and in one fell swoop root out my insecurities, solve my problems, heal my wounds and heal my body.

When I am in my "right" mind, I know how to wait patiently-other days it is like I have a bee in my bonnet and I am constantly flapping around trying to get rid of it. Some days I can sit quietly and do absolutely nothing, just wait in peace, and other times I keep jumping up to do something, in hopes my activity can hurry the process of life.  Being quiet, sitting still, and the biggest of all, waiting, does not always come easy.

I want to  have my body restored to good health. I want Paul to get a local job immediately because I want him home every night. I want to be able to walk across the room or down the driveway without having to fall into a chair from lack of breath and exhaustion. I want to have the desire and the drive to work on my new book daily. I want a new gas stove, wood flooring and the inside of my house painted. I want a screened in front porch. I want, I want, I want, and the truth is it is okay to have it all but I have to wait patiently for it all to come about. 

Living in an instant society exacerbates the dislike of having to wait for something. We can open a box of something called potatoes and have instant mashed potatoes. Yuk!! We can put a pod in a coffee maker, press a button, and instantly have a cup of fresh brewed coffee. We can open a box of anything, pour it in a pan, add  some  liquid, and have instant dinner. Our society does not prize waiting, which makes it hard to break away from impatient waiting.

Here's another important element about waiting, that should be considered.  Because I wait patiently for something does not necessarily mean it will come to pass. So, the extra element, or perhaps I should say, caveat, to patient waiting, is the knowing that what I am waiting for may not happen. Though it can be hard to allow in the possibility that I may not get what I am patiently waiting for. it is important to be able to make that adjustment. Sometimes we need to adjust the sails accordingly and give up the attachment we have to the outcome we expect from waiting.  

Some things I have come to know that helps the process of waiting are: 

• I know that I sometimes have to give myself permission to patiently wait because the world around me is spinning and everyone is rushing to go nowhere. I do not have to do what anyone else is doing or what others think I should be doing.
• I know I am my own worst enemy when it comes to being quiet and waiting. I still have a parent living in my head who wants to remind me that I need to be doing something to hurry life along. 
• I know the difference between patient waiting and impatient waiting. Impatient waiting is fuming inside, stomping my food, huffing and puffing and cursing what it is. Patient waiting is peaceful.
• I know how difficult it can be to wait when everything within me is screaming for life to "hurry up and find a solution".

Over the years, especially on  my soul healing journey, I continue to learn the value of slowing down, being quiet and waiting. Will I ever progress to the point of being adept at patient waiting? I always have hope I will evolve into that place. Meanwhile, I have to keep reining myself in and reminding myself to take it a moment at a time and let life unfold while allowing myself to be enfolded within it. I also have to continually hold the possibility that what I wish for may not come to pass. 

Peace out!!

GIVING AND RECEIVING

I have recently come to realize that I am much more comfortable giving than I am receiving. I am a giver by nature and have become even more of a giver in recent years. In my younger years, giving was about gifts and stuff. Today, giving is about opening up and sharing light, life, tenderness, care and love. This is easy for me because I really do care about others and often "feel" the need to reach out and be there for someone. I know part of my purpose is to be the listening ear, the understanding heart and the eye that sees beyond what is being shown to the world. 

I am comfortable in myself when I am giving, and this is good. However, I now know that I am not as comfortable in receiving. In fact, receiving has not been easy for me. I can receive material gifts much more easily than I can receive support and nurturing for myself and my walk.

I did not know this until last month, April, when I was in the hospital for three days. I do not put a lot on Facebook about what is going on in my physical body, but that Monday morning I felt the need to take a selfie of me in the hospital bed and post it on my page. In hindsight, I can see that I was setting myself up to be gifted in a huge way.

After I posted the picture and the message, the responses started pouring in, I received words of love, compassion, and support through my email, text, Facebook, voice mail and messenger. The responses were overwhelming, and they kept on coming even after I got home. 

After about twenty-four hours the light began to dawn and I noticed how, though I was delighted with the outpouring of love and care, I was also surprised. I did not realize I meant that much to so many or that my writing was impacting so many people. 

I did not grow up in an atmosphere of praise for who I was or what I accomplished. My family was a loving, caring family and though dysfunctional, they were also big-hearted. We all cared for each other, it just happened that I was not the golden child. My brother held that title. He was the first born son and grandson and the family's hopes of having a college graduate was pinned on him. This was back in the 1940's when boys were groomed to go to college, but most girls weren't. Besides his being college bound, he also was the one who did everything right, he fit in and he followed the program. On the other hand, I was not that kind of child. I had my own agenda and heard a different drum beat.

It's not that anything was wrong with me, it's that I did not follow the rules, and I was mostly noticed when I misbehaved. Though we were a loving family, we were not a nurturing family. I do not remember being nurtured as a child, a teenager or a young adult. I remember always kissing good morning, good night and good bye but I have no memory of ever being cuddled or held. When I cried, I cried alone into my pillow, and more often than not, I just held the tears in. To be vulnerable was a no-no and I learned to not expect comfort and nurturing.

So, as an adult, for me to hear all the love and care coming from so many literally threw me for a loop. It took a while for me to notice what was happening and to realize the beautiful gift that was staring me in the face, and it took a little longer for me to open up and let it all in.   There were people who cared about me and what happened to me. As I was able to take this in and feel it all the way to my core, I knew I was going to get better. I also knew I needed to open my heart, be vulnerable and let in all the love that was being sent my way.

I am committed to staying open to receiving hugs, words of comfort, and warm words of support. I realize the importance of receiving  and have felt the impact it had on my entire being.

I am so grateful to all who reached out to me during what was a very difficult time. I did not know what was going to happen to me and was inwardly preparing myself to say my final farewells. From what I knew, something was drastically wrong with my lungs and I might have blockage in my heart again. I was afraid and thought no one cared. I was just another person, who happened to be a writer and an author, but who was insignificant in this great big world. And then the unimaginable happened. You reached out to me with love and support and your words nurtured me. You gave me the gift of learning how to open up and receive. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.