This morning, while reading Sue Monk Kidd's book, When the Heart Waits, I had the realization that I am still partially addicted to quick and quicker. Though I can often sit still and wait for something to happen, or to change, there are those moments when I want to jump up, get busy and hurry the process. I sometimes want to make things happen on my time schedule, as opposed to happening at the right time.
Occasionally, I want to just reach into my being and pull out the "weeds" of suffering, anger, anxiety, sadness, depression and whatever else is lingering. I sometimes cry out in the night, "Why can't the process be quicker? Why can't the wounds I have carried within since I was a child heal instantly?" I sometimes wish Creator would come along and in one fell swoop root out my insecurities, solve my problems, heal my wounds and heal my body.
When I am in my "right" mind, I know how to wait patiently-other days it is like I have a bee in my bonnet and I am constantly flapping around trying to get rid of it. Some days I can sit quietly and do absolutely nothing, just wait in peace, and other times I keep jumping up to do something, in hopes my activity can hurry the process of life. Being quiet, sitting still, and the biggest of all, waiting, does not always come easy.
I want to have my body restored to good health. I want Paul to get a local job immediately because I want him home every night. I want to be able to walk across the room or down the driveway without having to fall into a chair from lack of breath and exhaustion. I want to have the desire and the drive to work on my new book daily. I want a new gas stove, wood flooring and the inside of my house painted. I want a screened in front porch. I want, I want, I want, and the truth is it is okay to have it all but I have to wait patiently for it all to come about.
Living in an instant society exacerbates the dislike of having to wait for something. We can open a box of something called potatoes and have instant mashed potatoes. Yuk!! We can put a pod in a coffee maker, press a button, and instantly have a cup of fresh brewed coffee. We can open a box of anything, pour it in a pan, add some liquid, and have instant dinner. Our society does not prize waiting, which makes it hard to break away from impatient waiting.
Here's another important element about waiting, that should be considered. Because I wait patiently for something does not necessarily mean it will come to pass. So, the extra element, or perhaps I should say, caveat, to patient waiting, is the knowing that what I am waiting for may not happen. Though it can be hard to allow in the possibility that I may not get what I am patiently waiting for. it is important to be able to make that adjustment. Sometimes we need to adjust the sails accordingly and give up the attachment we have to the outcome we expect from waiting.
Some things I have come to know that helps the process of waiting are:
- I know that I sometimes have to give myself permission to patiently wait because the world around me is spinning and everyone is rushing to go nowhere. I do not have to do what anyone else is doing or what others think I should be doing.
- I know I am my own worst enemy when it comes to being quiet and waiting. I still have a parent living in my head who wants to remind me that I need to be doing something to hurry life along.
- I know the difference between patient waiting and impatient waiting. Impatient waiting is fuming inside, stomping my food, huffing and puffing and cursing what it is. Patient waiting is peaceful.
- I know how difficult it can be to wait when everything within me is screaming for life to "hurry up and find a solution".
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