DISAPPOINTING OTHERS

 

DISAPPOINTING OTHERS

I have been thinking about a line in Oriah Mountain Dreamer's poem,, The Invitation.

    "It doesn't interest me if the story you are tellig me is true. I want to know if you can 

    disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and

    not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and trustworthy."

These verses have resurfaced in my mind as I have pondered some recent happenings in my life and in the lives of those around me.

It is a risky act to do what feels right for self, and in that action to disappoint another. It is risky to say no when we know soneone is waiting for us to say yes, because it is what they need to hear. We put ourselves at risk often when we tell the truth about what we think, feel or believe. I am becoming increasingly aware of when others do not really want to hear my truth about what I feel, dislike or like because they need me to like or dislike what they like or dislike. 

As humans, we tend to become disappointed, and sometimes even angry, when otthers do not agree with what we see or feel. I believe we all do this to a certain extent and instead of letting otthers have their own feelings and thoughts about life, behaviors, attitudes and beliefs, we becone disappointed. Hurt often accompanies disappointment. 

I am seeing what a great burden we place on others when we require them to agree with us and say and do what we need and expect them to do or say. It is an unfair burden and though it is usually done without any forethought or malice, it is nevertheless placing an unfair burden on someone else. 

I remember when I first read the lines from the quote above, how confused I felt by it. I had a difficult time making sense of disappointing another to be true to myself.  Because I spent so much of my life as a "yes" person in my need for approval  it was next to impossible for me to disagree and i.e. disappoint another.  Being disapproved of was too great a risk for me.

Gratefully as I grow within myself and learn to be with who I am, I am coming to a place of understanding the importance of authenticity and how sometimes I have to say no. Learning to be true to myself means speaking truth and doing the hard thing....even when and if it disappoints another.

Those who know me know I am about love and kindness. I enjoy seeing people happy and I readily admit that it feels good to be liked and approved. I don't like disappointing others, however I like even less the feeling I have when I betray myself by pretending to be other than who I am. 

I want to be seen as trustworthy-- one who, when asked the hard questions, I can answer truthfully and always with love and compassion.

YOU ARE.....

You are......Worthy, lovable, deserving of peace and awesome.

No matter what you do, what your job is, how much you own, how big or small your house is, how much or how little money you have, or what kind of car you drive. No matter what!! You are a worthwhile human who matters. How do I know this? Because we are all created by the creator in the image of the creator. We are all spirit beings in a human body, here on planet earth, having a human experience. We tend to forget our inherent self-worth when we get entangled in the lower reaches of our humanity and forget we are living, breathing souls walking around in a human body.

I lived for years out of a deep sense of unworthiness and shame. I knew all the things I had done and said, as a human, over the years. I said many unkind things to many people, I reacted often in anger and self-righteousness, I did things that were unbecoming and I reacted too many times in ugliness. I self-aggressed through giving others control of my body so I could have a few minutes of acceptance, through eating unhealthy foods and burning the candle at both ends. I put myself in harms way by acting stupidly with no thought of what the outcome might be.

I didn't do it all, but I did a lot. And I did it all with no realization that I was self-aggressing, and definitely no idea at all that underneath all the indignities and harm I put myself through, there was a worthwhile being living in my body. I did not know that I deserved to be nurtured, treated kindly and loved for who I was.

It was the early 1980's when I consciously realized something was missing. I had already left organized religion and was flirting with new age beliefs. I had completed the est training and was slowly waking up to life, spirituality and myself.  I was on a journey of self-realization and did not know it at the time. I longed for authenticity and somehow knew in order to be authentic, I would have to find out who I really was underneath all the crap I lived out of and believed to be true. I wanted to reach a higher level of consciousness because somehow I knew there was more to life than what I knew and believed. I put my foot on the path to uncovering myself, healing my childhood wounds and finding my self-worth.

I have been on this path for forty-three years and am still uncovering pieces of myself that were tucked away deep within my being.  I have learned first hand how we tuck away and deeply cover over the parts of us that others say, by word or deed, are unlovable and unacceptable parts. I am talking about those parts like: you are lazy, stupid, dumb, ugly, fat, skinny, a slut or a Romeo, too short or too tall, not like your brother, sister or cousin, or too much like your mom, dad or other family member, you can't do anything right, your nose is too big, you are mean, etc. I hope you get the drift. 

I want to be clear that words and deeds that affect our sense of self-worth are not always spoken in anger. Most parents do love their children and have no intention of harming their child. However, most parents also have a deep (usually unspoken and often unacknowledged) desire for the child to be a certain way. This is where the problem comes in. Unavailable, or unwilling to face their own pain, they live with unhealed childhood wounds and act out of their own wounding. It is just what we do, without meaning to destroy a child's self-worth, and cause the child to think something is flawed within. As children, we usually bend to the status quo because that is how we get the approval we need from our caretakers. 

And, so the cycle continues. Deeply wounded people with low self worth create more deeply wounded people with low self worth. I know so many who are trapped in their shame based life who either go within and are too afraid to use their voice, and they become silent.  Or they become hooked on control as a way of believing they are always right.  That way they can pretend they have good self worth. I leaned more towards the latter, but was silent a lot also for fear of saying something that would make someone not like me. It really is a vicious cycle, but thankfully its a cycle that can be broken. 

The best part of my healing journey,  and the most painful part, has been and still is, going within and identifying my core issues so I can bring them to light. This is called shadow work. This is where I am seeing my true self and giving myself permission to be who I am, forgiving myself and loving myself as I am, with all of my flaws. I am learning to allow myself to be perfectly imperfect.

I am now at a place where I can acknowledge anger, shame, anxiety, fear, brokenness, sadness or any of the "negative" emotions we humans usually do not want to be associated with. I am learning that whatever I feel is okay. It is just what I feel and to make some feelings good and some bad is part of the low self worth cycle. Because we may have been taught that something is wrong with us if we feel a certain way does not mean it is true. I have been taught many things in life by well meaning people that I have found out are not true. When we can give self permission to feel whatever we feel without making self wrong, we can be real. 

As I have said before, "The more I know, the more I know how much I don't know. But, what I do know, I know." And, this is something I know: underneath our angst, doubt, fear and worry lies a deep vein of love, peace and joy. It is there, often buried under the stories we tell ourselves about life. Be willing to mine for the gold, mine for the diamonds. What we all long for is already here,  stuffed under the buried, but still there, parts we consider unacceptable.

Know this:

You are.... a worthwhile human, a lovable soul, you deserve to be at peace within. You deserve to know and honor your worth. You are loved, loving and lovable.

YOU MATTER GREATLY!!

A CALL TO WOMEN

 This is a repost of some of a blog I wrote in 2011, right around Mardi Gras time in New Orleans. Since yesterday was Mardi Gras, I felt it time to pull this article out of the archives, rewrite it and post it again.

A CALL TO WOMEN

I was watching a clip of Mardi Gras festivities and remembered all the Mardi Gras parades I have attended. Something that happens often at the parades is: the men on the float will holler at the girls who are screaming "throw me something mister", "Show me your tits." If the girls comply, they might get thrown a nicer pair of Mardi gras beads. 

It has always been shocking to me how many girls will lift their shirt and show their breasts so they can be thrown a pair of cheap Mardi Gras beads. I have often wanted to throw a blanket over these girls and give them a dollar so they can go buy a pair of Mardi Gras beads.

I am very aware of how many women think it is necessary to entertain men with their bodies.  Not just women, but young girls who are being misled to act and dress sexy so they can be approved by the boys. I feel sick in my gut when I ask a young preteen to pose for a picture and she purses her lips and strikes a sexy pose. When are women going to quit dressing and behaving like sex objects, like we are a piece of meat on display, so the one with the biggest, firmest breast and nicest butt will be the ones who get picked.  Is it because women are taught from a young age that we are here to pleasure men? Perhaps there is something wrong with a society that has so much disrespect for women, including women disrespecting other women.

When I hear talk about how far women have come,  I wonder what planet these people live on. I understand the rumor is that we have come a long way baby. We have brilliant women in politics, in the military, the aerospace industry and the medical industry. In fact, we have brilliant women in most industries, and I am thrilled with this. But, is that all we are interested in as women? I certainly am not downplaying the right and the awesomeness of women having jobs in what for many years has been considered a man's world. However, I say we need to take the next and highest step, which is having and receiving respect that comes from knowing we belong to ourselves, and not to men. 

With my eyes wide open I watch how women go about in the world. It is still basically a man's world because the patriarchal system is alive and well. In fact, the number of women who still dress, behave and talk like they are a sex object and they belong to men, is staggering. Something is off when we live in a world where women, from teenagers up, are obsessed with breast augmentation, blowing up their lips, dressing as skimpy as possible, and giving themselves away for a wink, a smile, a date, a pair of beads or approval.

Women are not here to be exploited. We are beautiful, brilliant, nurturing and strong and it is powerful to realize we belong to ourselves and the sisterhood, not to men,. We deserve respect, and when we quit dressing and behaving like life does not matter unless we get a second look from a man, we may start to be treated like the goddesses we are.

Before you start writing me hate letters, let me tell you that I love  the brotherhood of men. I have an awesome husband who respects me and my right to personhood, autonomy and control over my body. When we discuss this topic, he reminds me that many, many men are chauvinists who do believe they own women. He and I agree that we are all playing the roles we were taught to play as little girls and little boys. If our roles had been defined differently, we would be acting different. So, I do not hate men. What I despise is the patriarchal system that wants to put women down, own us, use us for their pleasure, deny us our rights and freedoms and put our health care at risk. 

There have been pockets of women at different times in our culture, who have fought for the rights of women to be treated as equals. We have made strides in the business world, but personally I want more than to be able to wear pants, smoke a cigar, play football on a man's team, be the president ,or own a large corporation. These are tokens. Being seen as equal means being treated with respect for my personhood, not being treated as the weaker sex who needs to be conquered and who has no right to a credit card or a checkbook. 

Listen up ladies!! We carry babies in our womb and we birth them, we nurse them and raise them, we are the managers  of our homes. and I have no doubt if women ruled the world we would be a much more peaceful world.  We can bring home the bacon, fry it in a pan and serve it to ourselves and our families. Do not allow yourself to be treated as a sex object or a second class citizen  We are not meant to be defined by men. We have value and worth no matter how old we are, what we look like or who we choose to be in relationship with. 

Women have had to fight for their rights. We fought for the right to vote, to control our bodies, to have a credit card and a bank account, to own property, to get the same education as men and to speak in churches. These rights have all been handed to men, (if they are white men). Stand up in your power ladies and be seen and heard, not as a sex object but as the strong woman you are. And, while you are standing up for yourself, stand up for the entire sisterhood please.

YOU MATTER MY SISTERS!!  

TOXIC THOUGHTS AND PEOPLE

 Toxic: Very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way. 

When something is insidious it is dangerous in ways that are not always evident. We can have thoughts and ideas that rule our life and not even be aware that we are being ruled by something negative.

An example would be: I used to have the thought/idea that someone who lived a spiritual life, lived a certain way. I thought that kind of life would be on an even keel, no ups and downs, no thorns in the roses, manifesting what you want by thinking it into existence, always being happy, always positive and above the fray. It took me a while to realize this was a pipe dream, bullshit, and something people made up and fed to others as truth. 

When I lived from this thought, I believed I had gone astray, or made a wrong turn, if and when I was in a low place. I have many times, even recently, felt like I was a rudderless ship on the sea of life with a failed purpose, a forgotten cause and I was somehow left behind. In other words, believing that a spiritual life was all mountain top experiences, set me up for anxiety, harsh self-judgment and sadness.

I have come to realize how toxic my thoughts can be. The reason they are so toxic is because I believed they were true. That is the insidiousness of our thoughts. Most of us believe our thoughts are true. We actually take them to be absolute in many cases and lead our lives, make our decisions and behave according to what we think is true. This can be dangerous and can keep us stuck in low places.

How do you identify your toxic thoughts? You pay attention to your life and you question your thoughts. Because you thought something was one way all of your life, does not mean you cannot question it, if and when you realize it does not work for your highest and best. Because mom, dad or grandma said it was so, does not make it absolute. 

When we lived in Kentucky, I had a friend who only wore basic colors. I, on the other hand, wore a lot of bright red and purple. Finally, one day she told me she had been taught by her mother, that only women of the night wore red, so she thought it was wrong to wear red. I was shocked! My response to her was, "Isn't it wonderful that you are an adult, and you can make your own decisions and form new thoughts about what you can wear? If you like red, I support you in wearing red." She still would not wear red, because she was too afraid it would upset her mother and people would wrongly judge her. This is what I mean when I say our thoughts can be toxic because they are insidious.  She had no idea her thought was not an absolute truth, so she was held captive to that thought for most of her life. 

When I began to question my thoughts I began to see a life lived in spirit differently. I learned about reaching for the heavens while keeping my feet on the ground. I remembered I am a human being, subject to the laws of life and the universe. I learned, and am learning on a daily basis, to embrace whatever is in front of me. I have also learned I can love something without liking it. I can love the divinity in people without liking how they do life. I can accept people for where they are without having to hang out with them. I can find joy in washing my dishes, sitting in silence and embracing the emptiness, without making it wrong. I am learning to be content on a daily basis. And when stuff happens to knock me off keel, I am learning to look at it, do what I need to do in the middle of it and then go on and let it be.

Changing thoughts from toxic to life-affirming is not always easy. But, it is definitely do-able. 

I do believe life is meant to be joyful and peaceful. I also believe it is highly possible to be filled with joy and peace, even when we are in the lions den. When it feels like life is going against us, people are not happy with us and are calling us names, the roof is leaking and the AC is not working, we are cash strapped or we are physically ill, we each have the ability to change our thoughts about it all and find our joy and peace in the fray. It is a matter of changing our thoughts about it and thereby adjusting our vision.    

On the topic of toxicity, I need to address the fact that often, toxic people cross our path and sometimes even become a part of our lives. It has taken a while for me to learn that I do not have to entertain, or hang out with toxic people. Like toxic thoughts, they can be pervasive and insidious and can cut you in two, while smiling and pretending all is well. Sometimes, toxic people can suck the life out of us. I don't know that they mean to do what they do, or behave the way they do, but whether it is planned or not, we have options. One option we have is to understand how life-affirming it is to realize neither I, nor you, need to present ourselves to anyone who tends to be denigrating to who we are. 

It is okay to walk away from toxic relationships in any form, whether it be thoughts, ideas, relationships, situations, or people. It is okay to care enough about yourself to walk away from negativity, and to change your thoughts to be more life-affirming.   

You matter. We all matter, and it is up to each of us to weed out the toxicity in our lives. 

AGING

I have been wanting to write about aging for a while now, and was waiting for what felt like the right moment. I seem to be reading and hearing a lot of banter about aging. Part of it is still focused on telling women they need to cover their greys, look great in a bikini and in a dress, and do something about wrinkles and sags. However, I also am very aware of an increase in posts and in conversations about older women and how powerful they are, not because they look so good for their age, but because of their elderly wisdom.

My journey to get to where I am, 82 years old, has been filled with the good, the bad and the really ugly. No matter how I think about the myriad experiences I have had on the road to 82, I can now sit back and look at each event with curiosity, and sometimes sadness and regret. Not regret that the incident happened, but regret about how I handled it. Also, regret for those I hurt along the way.

However, I am no longer sidelined by thoughts of my past, because I have learned how to forgive myself, make peace with myself and others, and move on. I also have learned to appreciate the aging process, and the wisdom that comes with experience and insight. 

There are many advantages in getting older. For one thing, the older I get, the more I can take a step back when I look in the mirror. I now see my mother in my face, where I didn't before. I also hear her in my conversations. I say so many things that I learned from listening to her. I curse like her and get aggravated at "stuff" like she did. 

Another advantage is, with each passing day, as I grow in my knowledge and understanding of who I am, I have developed a healthy respect and care for myself. The more I like myself, the less I am  bothered by unimportant things.

I grew up with a mother and grandmother who were almost always put together. Their hair was always coifed, they generally started their day by putting makeup on, and they wore such cute outfits. Their clothes and shoes matched and they wore jewelry. They looked like a southern lady is supposed to look. (at least, that's what I was told.) Nothing wrong with any of that, it is just that none of it floats my boat. 

When I was younger and interested in staying that way, I colored my grey, covered over my wrinkles as best I could and did my best to look younger and more fit. However, as I have aged and learned to accept and love myself just as I am, I am actually okay with wrinkles and seldom ever put makeup on. I hang out usually in sweats, T-shirts and earth shoes with socks in the winter and elasticized shorts, T-shirts and earth shoes in the summer. I have beaucoup jewelry but seldom put any of it on. Once again, there is nothing wrong with wanting to look nice. It just does not matter enough to me to make me care about fashion and the latest trends and colors. I want to look okay AND be comfortable and I do not want to work for it.

I make no excuses for my flab and fat belly. I could probably hide a pencil under my breasts and my belly, but hey, it comes with the territory. 

It feels good to not have to make excuses or feel bad because I am not into fashion or shopping. I was once told that I was a disgrace to women because I do not like to shop.  I'm okay with that and have nothing against those who do like to shop. I stopped caring a long time ago about what others thought of me and how I look. 

I had a cousin who always wanted me to let her make me over so she could improve on how I looked. My response was always, "I happen to like how I look and don't want to cover over or cover up what you don't think is okay." 

I call it conscious aging and I realize it is not for everyone. I do not make those wrong who choose to use their energy to look young and desirable. I have a very close girlfriend who calls it looking fu**able. (rhymes with huckable)

I have come to understand that conscious aging is not for the faint of heart. We do live in a society that prizes youth and being skinny. We are bombarded with print and TV ads touting how we are supposed to look. The anti-aging industry is a million dollar enterprise and it feeds mostly on women. The desire of women to look young and sexy is not something new. This has been going on for ages. 

There was a time when I bought into the concept, and the belief that life would be better and I would be happier if I continued to look young. Gratefully, that time has been long gone. 

To my aging sisters who are reading this, I encourage you to love yourself as you are. Embrace your body and nurture and nourish it with that which you love. Please know that whether you look 80 or 40, you are beautiful and are a sensual human being. You are much more than the clothes you wear or the style of your hair. Stand strong and sure in your feminine glory and let your light shine. Remember: age is just a number, but how you feel about yourself and present yourself to the world is what really matters. In the end, your nurturing love and being matters much more than your age.

PEACE, PLEASE

 

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."  Mother Teresa

I am growing weary of war and division. I am tired of the attitude and belief that anyone has the right to exclude, deride, make fun of, make war against, laugh at and basically exclude anyone because they look different or are different.

It does not matter what color you are: be it black, brown, white, red, or yellow. Who cares? Or why care if someone is gay, straight, bisexual, trans, or lesbian. Why is it anyone's business what sexual preference I identify with?

So what if you are Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Atheist, Agnostic, Protestant, Wiccan, or whatever?  Or if I am a banker, teacher, a ditchdigger or a janitor? These are simply labels, roles, titles and adopted beliefs

Basically, we are all the same in that we are all part of the whole. We are all part of the same human race.

Can we quit making war against each other?  Can we just please acknowledge that though we are all unique, we are still part of the whole?

We all have the same basic longings-to be loved and cared for, to belong, and to know we matter.  Suppose, instead of judging and maligning others, we embrace them? Suppose we make peace instead of war? Suppose we accept others as they are and wherever they are?

Peace starts with me and with you. It begins with letting go of stereotypes and prejudices. It begins with cleaning out our own house, and removing the board from our own eye, before we think it necessary to attempt to remove a mote from someone else's eye. I would love to know why we humans think it is our right to judge others for who they are, what they believe, what they wear and how they choose to live.

In order to have peace, we must all be willing to listen to others hearts and behold them as being a part of who we are.

Be peace and peace will abide. 

 

YOU ARE YOU

 “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” ― Dr. Seuss

This is such a simple truth, and yet it is missed by many. My observation of humanity, including myself, is how easily we get caught up in our labels, our roles and our story. As a result, we wind up forgetting who we are, and believing we are something we are not. 

The last seminar I wrote and presented was called YOU ARE YOU. I wrote the program with the desire to help us become aware of who we really are. I see, and hear, so many who identify with what they do, who they know and what they have.

We are each divine creations of consciousness. We are the essence of love, kindness, compassion and genuine mercy. We are so much more than what and who we think we are. 

Because we live in such a busy world, it seems to me we have created a huge disconnection. We may be more connected technologically, but energetically we have moved away from the earth, family values, quiet, soul and spirit. We have moved away from the truth of who we are. We are humans and we are each part of a huge, human family. 

In the busyness, we get caught up in living and surviving the demands of the accelerated changes taking place. In order to survive the insanity and onslaught of the world, and all it entails, we have to take the time to remember who we are, so we can stand firmly in that truth. 

The media is constantly telling us what to believe, how to look, what to wear, what drugs to take, and what to eat and drink. They even attempt to define what success looks like. Have you noticed the focus is mostly about what is outside of us, the externals of life, as opposed to who you are and is your life congruent with your words and actions. What really matters?  That your clothes match or that your soul is at peace? 

It feels like we are using our energy to form the world around us instead of making peace with the world inside us. 

I want you to know that you are not your body, your life story, the role you play, the labels you carry, who your ego says you are, or your personality.  Because someone says you are something, does not mean you are. Because you believe something to be true, does not necessarily mean it is true. Because someone said you would never amount to anything, does not make it true. You may have been called stupid, dumb, crazy, rebellious, silly, a know it all, or a jerk. No matter what you have been called or what light you have been cast in, I hope you will remember this simple truth. YOU ARE YOU.

Think on this for a while. This is the essence of who you are:

Energy, love, joy, peace, magnificence, starseed material, part of all that is, alive, connected to all, beautiful, light, consciousness, awareness, the face of god/goddess/allah/all there is, multi-sensory, an evolving soul, powerful beyond your wildest imagination and a spirit in human form. 

Meditate on the above for a while. Take each of these descriptions into your heart by reminding yourself that  this is the essence of who you are.  Say a sentence out loud, that begins with I AM, and insert each of the words above into your sentence. I am energy. I am love, etc. 

To return to knowing who you are requires courage, commitment, self-love and remembering. 

We are all worthwhile humans and we all deserve to have a life filled with light, love, joy and peace. Even when we are at our worse, we are still worthy of love and fulfillment. Returning to our authentic self is a gradual unfolding, an act of grace and self-love. It does not happen in a day or a moment, just as our loss of self did not happen in a day or a moment. 

You matter! You are here for a purpose! Be all of who you are! Be authentically you!💖💖

HABITS

 

We all have habits. Some of our habits are good and some not so good. We are creatures of habit and experience has taught me that it is much easier to hang on to the familiar (habit), than to change what I am used to doing or thinking. 

Maxwell Maltz, the author of Psycho Cybernetics, says that the first step in changing a habit is repetition. He theorizes that it takes twenty-one times of doing something different for it to become a new habit. I wish I had a dollar for every time I have moved a chair in my house, and continue to go to the old location where the chair used to sit. The same could be said of moving anything to a different location. Because of habit, we all continue to look for things where they have always been. We train our brain to do the familiar. 

Stepping out of the familiar is not an easy task. Changing a habit can be something simple like brushing my teeth after every meal instead of twice a day. Or rearranging my pots and pans. As difficult as changing these types of habits can be, I do believe the harder habits to change are those that have a psychological benefit. Like having a cigarette when nervous, or taking a pill when anxious or upset, having a drink or smoking weed when tired and have a need to relax, or throwing something when angry. There are so many psychological habits we all have, that we have developed along the way as a means of coping with life's ups and downs.

Our habits become such a way of life for us, we often are not even aware of how habitual our behaviors, thoughts and attitudes are. We get stuck in the familiar. We know the familiar, we are used to it, it's the way we've always done it. 

I am not saying anyone needs to change anything in their life. I am simply pointing out that it may be wise and beneficial to sometimes stop and take a look at how we do life. 

An example of what I am talking about is this: I began to notice how easy it was for me to practice self-aggression. In case you are wondering, self-aggression is doing harm to one self either physically or emotionally. Physical self-aggression might be hurting yourself to get attention. Self mutilation is one form of physical self-aggression. I have known many young people who cut themselves as a means of alleviating mental suffering. Emotional self-aggression is deprecating one self, putting yourself down, inability to receive a compliment, the need to be perfect and to be seen as perfect by others.

When I was much younger I used to practice physical self-aggression. As I have aged, I have pretty much given up on this type of aggression. However, I notice how natural it is for me to aggress against myself emotionally. I have a critical parent who lives in my head and when I listen to it, I tend to put myself down, I am technically challenged, I lack the credential to be a good writer so I spend a lot of time second guessing myself , and/or I get angry with myself for not knowing how to do so many things that I would like to do. This is familiar behavior to me because I have done it for so many years. The up side is that I am aware of it and I am working on changing those habits. 

I have a lot of good habits also, such as my ability to listen to others with my ears and my heart. That is a habit that is familiar to me now, but it wasn't always so. For years, I was a seminar and workshop leader, a teacher and a public speaker, so I always thought I had so much to say. As a result,  I developed the habit of running a monologue in duet. What that means is while someone is talking to you, instead of listening, you are in your head forming your answers, or your rebuttal, to what they are saying. I believe I thought it was extremely important that I get to say what I needed and wanted to say. Maybe that's because at that time in my life, I thought I knew a lot. I have learned over the years, as I have been emptied out, that I don't know a heck of a lot more than I do know. Having that ah-ha moment is what led me to change my habit of not listening.  

Life is good and works in our favor, which means when we pay attention to our behaviors, thoughts and attitudes, and spot habits that are detrimental to us and to others, we can change them. Life does work with us when we commit to change. 

Thankfully, nothing has to be forever. Not even a habit!!

NURTURING OUR NERVOUS SYSTEM

Matt Licata said, "Maybe, when it's all said and done, there will be only one question that remains. How well did I love here? Did I slow down and take the time to really experience this life? To help someone who was hurting? To paint something or dance, or to put my hands in some clay? To look into the eyes of the person passing by or into the eyes of a little one? Or to fall to the ground in awe of the earth and her beauty and her power and her grace? Did I really allow myself to experience the sunrise or the moon, or a child playing, or the colors and the falling leaves? Or the holiness, and being able to take one full breath?"

No one knows how long we have to live, so treating each moment like it is special, and a gift, does matter. We are not here to be busy—we are here to be. I see so many running to and fro; many running from themselves. My question is, "What do you think you will lose if you take a moment or two to do any of the above?" 

Slow down!! Honor and nurture yourself and your loving spirit. Within, we all long to connect with life, with the divine, and with others. We also have a deep desire to connect with our Self. When we truly see and understand the divinity of our life, we are empowered to stop and take a few breaths, go within, check in with our bodies, sit still, and just be for a moment. 

Because we are in a world that is moving beyond fast and we are bombarded with news of chaos, war, anger and hate, we need to step aside and connect with the other part of our world which is love, kindness, softness and compassion. This is the energy that is flooding the earth and I am convinced that the more humans slow down and spend time with Self and others, the more the love and kindness will flow. Light is overtaking darkness. 

Last year, I took a twelve week class on "Resting Your Nervous System." It was an eye-opener and a game changer in my life. I was introduced to the tenderness and sensitivity of the nervous system. To my shock, I began to see how misunderstood and mistreated my nervous system had been. Lacking an awareness of the tenderness of the system, I overworked, overwhelmed and even abused my nervous system and then wondered why I was anxious, depressed and panicky. 

I could not even begin to tell you the times in my life when I was tired or overwhelmed or in need of quiet, and I kept going. I continued to drive myself because it was my responsibility, or my job, or I needed the money, or it was expected of me. Often it was because I just did not yet understand how precious my life was and that I deserved the best. 

I was a master at filling the spare moments with activity. Sometimes the activity was social media or TV, or a new project. There is nothing wrong with any of these activities, there is nothing wrong with being busy and accomplishing goals. The problem comes in when we forget to pay attention to the inner yearnings of our soul. 

Because the nervous system is very tender we can easily overwhelm it. It is our nervous system that lets us know when we are safe. When we push it and demand it contain more than it is able to, we take away our sense of safety and we wind up outside our window of tolerance, in a place of overwhelm. This can create a state of anxiety, stress and tension. We sometimes don't even realize what we are doing to ourselves until a breakdown happens, which could be a panic attack, an anxiety attack, illness or we plunge into depression. Sadly, in need of relief we often revert to taking a pill, which is a temporary fix. 

What is the prescription for a fractured nervous system and how do we bring healing and rest to our nervous system?  How do we nurture this tender system of ours? We listen to it, we give ourselves quiet time, not to scroll through social media, but to BE with life. Take a few moments to smell, feel and listen. Give yourself space in between. Rest when tired. Pay attention to those things in life that activate you and get you going, and question whether you want to continue being activated, or, are you ready to form some new pathways for your life. Let's choose peace!!

LARGENESS OF LIFE

 

I believe life is as large as we allow it to be. I also believe we are meant to live large, and only fear keeps us from fulfilling that natural, but often overlooked or denied, part of our being. 

As I think back on my life, I am surprised at how many different paths I have been down.

I've been:

A hair stylist. I owned  a shop for a few years.
A homemaker. I stayed home with my children until my youngest was in Junior High.
A Practice Manager. I managed a four doctor, thirty-five staff orthodontic practice.
A Practice Management Consultant, Seminar/Workshop leader and public speaker. I owned a management consulting firm and traveled the country consulting in orthodontic offices.
A Business Office Manager for a hospital based home health agency.
A facilitator of healing and bonding women's circles.
Owner of a therapeutic, massaging insole business. After ten years of working this business , I retired.
A writer, author and blogger.
A volunteer special advocate for abused, neglected and abandoned children.

I've done many things and been on many paths. Life has taken me in a lot of different directions.

Am I through morphing, moving, growing and changing? I don't know, but I don't think so. I am 81, but still open for new adventures. 

Have I done everything I've wanted to do? No, I would still like to bartend, I know not why. And I wanted to be a psychologist but had to drop out of school for financial reasons. 

As I look back on my life, I am glad I took all the chances I did. Over and over, I forged forward into new territory, and if I had to do it all again, I would do it the same. 

Every new adventure I took, each new territory I explored, I entered with fear and trembling. I was always afraid of failure, of looking stupid and of being thought that I was an imposter, but I kept going. I stuck with each adventure till it was over. When I knew within I was "done", I moved on. 

Today, I know I am a courageous soul, but I was not admired for my courage. In fact,  I was considered to be flighty, a person who could not make up her mind, frivolous, not quite all there, a little crazy, reckless and a gypsy. When I was younger I was a people-pleaser, so it still shocks me when I think of the daring things I chose to do, while knowing I would be judged for doing them. 

But, ho-hum, I pressed on because the largeness of life beckoned to me. I did not know then what I know now, or I should say I had not yet remembered who and what I was. All I did know was that my spirit longed to soar and to be free. 

I'm thankful I followed the call of my heart, because I am where I am due to the leading of spirit, and the courage to follow. 

Humans are created for spontaneity. We are made to be large and to expand. We each make the decision to live a small life or to be vulnerable enough to reach for the brass ring. What decision are you making? Are you settling for the known and the safe, or are you willing to expand? BE LARGE!! BE ALL YOU CAN BE!!

COOPERATION VS. COMPETITION

 

We choose what kind of world we want to live in. 

My observation is, there are two camps, or two ways of being in this world. We decide, at some point in life, how we are going to live in the world. 

We either choose to adhere to an Us versus Them mentality or a You and I vision. We either believe we are separate from others, so whatever is happening out there does not really affect us, or we focus on the whole because we know that we are all connected, and therefore what affects one, affects all. 

US VERSUS THEM

In an Us vs. Them way of thinking, we believe someone or something is causing our life to be as it is. Somebody is taking my chips. Someone out there is responsible for my not having what I want, or for me being in the situation I am in. In this stance, we are victims and therefore powerless because someone else is causing all of our headaches. 

If not for them, we would have more money, a better job, a bigger house, or more stuff. THEY are unfair-it is their fault our lives are as they are. In this state of being we live from fear. We fear anything unlike ourselves. We fear other's beliefs. We fear other ethnicities, religious beliefs or no beliefs, sexual orientation and different color skin, We compete, fight, go to war, kill, put down, persecute, shame and vilify anything or anyone who we perceive as being in the way or threatening our way of being or our way of seeing the world.

Instead of celebrating differences, we tend to shut them down, shut them up and get rid of them, if possible. This type of thinking views struggle and competition as natural and the way to get what we want. When we live in this me vs. them place, we tend to create chaos. We often turn to violence as a means to an end. This is a small box to be in. It is extremely limited because it excludes anything unlike it. 

YOU AND I

The other side of the coin is You and I thinking. When we occupy this space, or perhaps this space occupies us, we take responsibility for who and where we are. We know, and we understand, that we are all connected, i.e., our lives are enriched by the whole. In a world where we know we are all brothers and sisters, we include all. 

In this place, if I do not have what I want, it is not because someone is taking it away from me. I do not look to the "other" to see who I can blame for what does not work in my life. I look within. 

In a you and I world, we share instead of compete. We cooperate with others instead of making them wrong and resorting to name calling and labeling. In a you and I world we strive for community and we allow others to have their own thoughts, feelings and beliefs. We may not always agree with others, but instead of resorting to fighting and hate, we listen and look for a way to cooperate and care. 

A PYRAMID OF THINKING 

I read a lot of books on quantum theory, and one of my favorite authors on the topic is Gregg Braden. I like to read Gregg's books because he has a way of explaining what I normally would have a hard time processing. When I read Gregg's words I somehow can understand higher truths.  

While reading Resilience from the Heart, by Gregg, I was struck by his ideas about our thought processes and how we view the world.  In this part of the book, Gregg posits a hierarchy of thinking. *

The following is his pyramid of thinking, in which he starts with our thoughts on the origin of life and ends with the tipping point of crisis. 

We vs. Them                                                                    You and I

                               1.  The Origin of Life 

1. Random occurrence,  chance                                     1. Directed process of design

                                         2. The Origin of Human Life

2. Chance occurrence of random process                      2.Rare combination of designed systems                       

                                         3. Our Relationship to Our Body

3. Separate & powerless                                                 3. Connected& linked

                                         4. Our Relationship to the World

4. Separate & independent                                              4. Connected & interdependent

                                          5. The History of Civilization

5. Linear, one-way trend                                                  5. Cyclic & conditions & crises repeat                        

                                          6. The Tipping Point of Crisis

6. Solved through competition,                                        6. Solved through cooperation, 
force & conflict                                                                     understanding & mutual aid

Personally, I embrace the concept of cooperation, sharing and community. I find an innate power in taking responsibility for my life as opposed to playing a victim and blaming everyone else. Victims present themselves as powerless. Victims need someone else to come along and save them as opposed to one who takes responsibility for shifting their life. 

Which world would you rather live in? An Us versus Them one where you have to fear others because life is about competition, or a You and I one where you live in harmony with others.

I know what I choose. 

 *Braden, Gregg, The Good News, Resilience from the Heart, Hay House, 2014, pg. 181

BEING A SEEKER AND CHANGING COURSE

When one way of seeing, doing, or thinking about life no longer works to our advantage, it may be wise to change our course. In most cases, there is more than one way to get from here to there. We can get stuck doing something one way and miss or even refuse to change course and try another way.

The old saying, "But we have always done it this way," can cause us to get stuck in how we do life. I believe, in order to change our course in life, it requires us to change our thinking. Because we have always thought one way about something does not mean we cannot think another way.

A lot of what we do or think has been passed on to us by our caretakers and/or by society, religion and authority figures. Because mom, dad, grandma or the Rabbi or priest said something was absolute does not mean you can't question it. 

When I was growing up, a lot of pedagogy was passed on to me, and I  grabbed hold of it and lived my life according to those rules. I did not question what I was taught, because I believed if an authority figure was teaching it, it must be right. I also was taught that it was unacceptable to question what my elders said. 

As I  got older and began to develop my own life, I started questioning a lot of what I was taught, and my life began to change. Life has actually gotten bigger. Asking "who made that rule?" and "Is this really true?" has set me free from many of my self-imposed/inflicted barriers to larger living.

I always adhered to the belief that it was faux pas to wear white after labor day and to have long hair after age 50. I knew, and I thought rightfully so,  blacks had their own section of town, if you were not a catholic you were going to hell, and if you were gay something was wrong with you.  Children were to be seen and not heard, god was a male figure and if my family or church said something was so, it was so. This was how I lived, the road I walked, and the course I was on.

Gratefully, I grew up and learned it was okay to question the rules of my family, the teachings of my elders and the dogma of the church. I learned I had a brain and it was okay, and even good, to be a critical thinker. I could think for myself!!

As my thinking broadened, so did my life. Some of the questions I asked, and the truths I saw as a result, scared me. As I began to change the dance steps I had always done, I soon found myself out of step with those in my life who were not ready to try new dance steps. I understood that it was easier to cling to long held beliefs and not question anything.  Over a short period of time I began to feel like a pariah, even within my own family.

Let me be clear that I did not begin to question the way of life I had been taught, just for the sake of questioning. The questions started because my soul was longing for expansion. I knew, on some level there was more to life and living than what has been passed on to me. It did not matter if everyone around me believed black was white. I was being pushed from within to take a long hard look at it and see if black was really black. (I am not talking about skin color.) What I did not know at the time was that I was destined to be a seeker. 

I remember, once, a long time ago, my brother and I were both visiting our mother at the same time. He came to me in the kitchen one morning, as I was sitting at the table writing. He gave me a piece of paper with a scripture on it. It was something about seeking. He told he he was worried about me because I always seeking and searching. I was instantly aware that in his mind, he believed something was wrong with me, because I was a seeker. I knew there would be no value in arguing for myself or in trying to make him understand where I was. So I just smiled at him and acknowledged he was right. I was a seeker!!

My heart has always been a seeking heart. When I was younger I did not know that because I did not know it was okay to find my own path in life.

I am still a seeker and probably always will be. I embrace that part of myself. I embrace my longing for more-more clarity, more life and a bigger vision. It is who I am. It is a big part of why I am here. I have learned that the clearer my vision and the larger and lighter my life, the more inclusive I have become, the deeper my empathy for others, and my compassion for the suffering I see in the world has grown.

I paid a price for being a questioner, for stepping outside of the box and coloring outside the lines. But, I do not regret any of it, and I continue to question and seek in order to continually broaden my vision. This is me and I honor my walk and my hunger. 

ENFOLDING LIFE AS IT UNFOLDS

To enfold is to wrap up, embrace or surround. 

To unfold is to open and spread out, to reveal, display or unwrap.

Enfolding and unfolding are at opposite ends of the spectrum, since one is about embracing or holding close and the other is about opening and spreading out. 

What I know about life is this. If we are awake and aware, and therefore paying attention, we will notice that life continuously unfolds. Events and circumstances are always giving us the opportunity to see life and ourselves in a new way.  

As who I am, the authentic me, unfolds, I am given the choice to either embrace what I see or make it wrong and deny it. We are always at choice about whether we react negatively or respond positively. 

It is not always easy to accept what I see unfolding before my eyes. However, experience has taught me that when I make the decision to let whatever is there to be what it is, and not fight it or deny it, I grow as a human and my soul experiences a new level of healing. 

As I have given myself over to the healing of my childhood wounds, and the growing of my soul, I have had experience after experience happen in my life, and these experiences have presented the opportunity for me to enfold what was unfolding. Often, I wanted to deny what was before my eyes, but thankfully I found the courage to enfold instead. 

One example of what I am talking about is:

About two years ago, some family members came to spend a couple of weeks here at my house. One of my guests was a teenager. Now, let me tell you, I love this child very much and was glad to have her here. However, as the days went by I found myself reacting to her negatively. I was always angry with her. I got to the point where I could hardly bear being around her and made her wrong for everything she did or said. 

Finally, one morning, sitting out on my patio, while thinking about what was going on with this child, and writing about it, I had a great unfolding. Suddenly, before me was the truth of the situation. I saw myself, when I was her age, in her. I saw her doing the things I did out of my discomfort in being who I was. As a young girl,  I longed to be seen, and to be heard and accepted.  Because I felt unseen, unheard and judged for being who I was, I acted out. I said and did inappropriate things. I saw her doing the same things I had done. But most importantly, what really got to me was realizing the pain she was carrying in her being. 

Recognizing her pain activated the unhealed sorrow and pain that I was carrying from my tumultuous teenage years. Seeing myself in her, enabled me to sit with that pain and let it in. As I sat with in, I had a deep awareness of the choice before me.  I could embrace my suffering child within so I could open the door for healing to happen or I could deny the pain I was carrying and just continue to shut her out and therefore shut out the pain that was swirling around in me.  I knew enough to know that until I allowed myself to embrace/enfold this pain, it would not go away. It would be exacerbated and activated whenever faced with a similar situation, such as what I was experiencing. 

The morning this unfolded before me, this sweet little teenager woke up and told another family member that she knew I did not like her. She cried because she felt I was being mean to her.

The other family member came to me and told me how this child was feeling. I told her, "Oh my gosh. She is right. I am just now seeing this unfold before my eyes and I need to apologize to her and make this right."

I went to the child and told her how sorry I was for being mean to her and for rejecting her. I went on to tell her how my behavior had nothing to do with her because she was just being her sweet self, but it had to do with me. I let her know that because I saw my teenage self in her,  all of that hurt and anger I felt then came back up in me. Because I had not yet healed that part of my life, I could not allow it to be in front of me. It brought up too much hurt that needed to be embraced and held lovingly by me, and I had not been willing to do that, so I rejected her. 

Facing our orphans, the pieces of self that we ignore, deny and reject, do not go away. They only go into hiding for a while, but will resurface again and again. Invariably, someone will say or do something and BAM, that stuff is activated. The result is usually pain or anger or both. Because we are endowed with choice we can either acknowledge/embrace what has been activated, or we can continue to push it back down and not let the light shine on it. 

Thankfully, I was able to enfold that which was unfolding,and she and I were able to reach out to each other. As I shared my insight with her, she was able to hear me  and we held each other and we cried together. It was a healing time for me and for this precious teenage girl. 

It is not easy to enfold the unacceptable parts and memories of our lives, but it is important if we want to lead an authentic life and be at peace. 

ABANDONMENT

I know what abandonment looks like and feels like. I am one of the estimated 98% of people in the world who experienced being abandoned.

Over the years I have learned that abandonment is far deeper than being physically left. Many believe that having two parents in the home precludes abandonment. However that is not true. There are millions of people with abandonment issues who grew up in a two parent home. 

Children suffer abandonment issues when they are not seen or heard, not respected or honored, called names, made to feel or look stupid, shamed for one reason or another, not loved for who they are, have their thoughts and ideas trivialized, treated like they are in the way and told they are a pain in the ass and they are driving the caretaker crazy. Anything that makes a child feel they are not enough, or something is wrong with them, creates the pain of abandonment. 

Due to being physically abandoned by my daddy and being raised by adults who were emotionally unavailable, I grew up with huge abandonment issues. My family loved me and meant well, but in their inability to see what was happening to me, they failed to understand my pain and loneliness. They were unable to see the trauma I was in, so instead of giving me understanding, acceptance and care, I was shamed for my pain and forced to deal with issues a child cannot possibly deal with.

Doing what only a child could do, I created a story that something was wrong with me, that I was somehow flawed. Once we create a story about our experience of life, we live out that story until we come to a place on our path where we are able to identify the story, step out of it, and create a new one that is based on present truth. Our story creates our basic belief about self and life, and from our story we form the practice of self-abandonment. 

Make no mistake: our story informs our life. It is like we are being led around with a ring in our nose and we can't pull away for fear of having our nose ripped open. That's how huge an impact our story has on our life.

Though I have done a lot of processing on my abandonment issues, I now realize those first few years of dealing with this stuff was about peeling the outer layers away. The fear I carried all my life about being abandoned by others or by the world and its systems (job, money, relationships, etc) has greatly dissipated. What I now face is my self-abandonment issues.

Self-abandonment is an insidious disease that eats away at the core of life. It is not only insidious but it is also covert. It hides itself well until we are ready to see it for what it is. Anyone with abandonment issues cannot help but practice self-abandonment. It goes with the territory. It's what we learned. It's what we know.

Some of the ways we abandon self are:

Overactive mind with no shut off valve, constant worry with the inability to let things go, not allowing self to feel or to express emotions, especially sadness, not listening to our body by staying busy and not letting the body rest, shutting out compliments  or turning away help by denying we need it, refusing to be vulnerable, and taking on more than we can handle, adding stress to our life. 

We also contribute to our self abandonment by eating a lot of unhealthy foods.  We focus our attention on looking better on the outside while ignoring our inner needs, we constantly buy more stuff hoping to feel better, we are five sensory instead of multi-sensory and stay stuck in fear of the unknown. 

Self-abandonment comes naturally to us when we have abandonment issues. We do not get up in the morning and decide to abandon self on that day. When we have been abandoned by our primary caretakers, we easily learn to abandon self, UNTIL we take notice and make a conscious choice to begin the journey home to our inner being.

The healing process brings us home to the innocent, beautiful self we are, the one who knew how magnificent we were, the one who believed we could do anything, sing off-key at the top of our voice, dance without rhythm in front of a crowd, the one who knew no fear, the beautiful one who was present in our life before shame for not being enough or for not doing it right rook over. If our caretakers had any shame, we inherited it. 

Going home to our inner core, to that which was left behind, is the ultimate self-care. Are you ready for the journey to reclaim your authentic peaceful being? All it takes is a willing and courageous heart.  

A few suggested practices to assist you on your journey to self discovery:

• Carve out some quiet moments for yourself
• Learn how to breathe deeply from your diaphragm
• Notice how others treat you and speak to you
• Practice kindness towards your self:  rest your body, feed yourself healthy food, spend time in nature, stop any negative self talk, have a good cry, speak your truth, ask for what you want and need, nurture yourself
• If necessary, find a good therapist
• Have someone in your life you can speak your truth to
• Read uplifting books that encourage growth and inner child healing *

You matter and without you the universe would not be the same!!

* Suggested reading:

Alchemy 365: A Self Awareness Workbook by Brenda Lightfeather Marroy

The Seekers Guide by Elizabeth Lesser

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

Any and all books by Sark

PEACE OUT

 

THE SOFTENING CHALLENGE

 

If you softened all of your edges would your perceptions change? Would the harsh realities of life change shape and form so you could surrender more quickly? Would it be easier to consent to life and to being present?

What if:

• You softened your shoulders and neck and stopped holding them taut with stress and anxiety?

    You might be more at ease and at peace with yourself

• You softened your heart and remembered to love and accept yourself, warts and all?

    You might give up the need to look better, or different, or be better. You might stop                 judging yourself.

• You softened the edges of your mind and let harsh, sharp judgments about life and yourself slip away?

    You might be more inclusive with all of humanity

• You softened your vision to see the beauty in life, in all the big and little moments?

    You might be more at peace with where you are and with what is

• You softened your senses so you could feel and touch the unimaginable?

    You might see the possibilities before you and therefore live life larger

• You softened your hands so you could give and receive fully and easily?

    You might let go of what you are holding on to for fear of lack. You might also let more         love, friendship, appreciation, fun and life in

•  You softened your palate so you could taste life more fully?    

    You might begin to do the things you have longed to do, but were afraid of

• You softened your fear of being hurt so you would not worry about being vulnerable?

    You might allow yourself to feel more and to show your feelings

I know these are a lot of questions but they are questions that deserve honest answers. I find that we humans have a tendency to hold ourselves in small places. That which is unlike who we are scares us. When someone doesn't fit the mold of what we may have been told in our formative years is acceptable, and what we have been told is unacceptable, we too easily close the door on them. In some cases we seek to annihilate them.

Life is large. There are endless possibilities and often the only thing that keeps us stuck in places we don't like or would rather not be, is ourselves and our old ways of thinking.  Give yourself permission to ask questions of yourself and life. Allow yourself the freedom to reach for the brass ring. 

The ability to have life be what you want it to be, is in your hands.  I hope you go for it!!!