COVERING A CAKE OF SHIT WITH SUGAR

Running through my brain has been the understanding that we can easily turn a blind eye to that which has created, or is creating, suffering in our lives. Trying to cover devastating incidents, or ignoring them by pretending they are not there, is what I call pouring sugar on top of a cake of shit.  If we can adequately cover the cake, we may not have to see it or smell it and we can pretend it is okay.  

No one wants to see or deal with the negative aspects of life. We all would like to live in a Mary Poppins world, where all you have to do is imagine all is well, and it is.. However, that is not how most of life occurs. There are traumas and events that cause immeasurable pain that cannot be avoided. We have both body and brain memory. Though we may forget painful events, put it out of our mind, the memory of how we felt still lingers within. 

Feelings don't just disappear, they resurface over and over again. If, and when, we are not involved in a process of healing those painful memories, we often cover them over when they appear and reappear. It can be too painful to face them so we often either pretend they are not there, or we make excuses for why they happened. 

The reason this has been on my mind is because lately, I keep hearing people talk about traumatic events in their lives, and while they are describing the event they attempt to cover the hurt and anger. Instead of being honest about the feeling attached to the event, they pretend it didn't really matter, or it was okay for some reason or the other. 

I have heard stories from people about how they were hit with either a switch or a belt, or slapped, punched, kicked or pinched, when they were a child. While talking about the trauma, they say they are glad they were whipped, or whatever, because it taught them respect. I feel total amazement when I hear this type of statement and I usually think to myself, "Really? Are you a masochist? Did you find value in being hit? Do you really think there is value in hitting anyone?" Hitting others does not create value in the lives of the one being hit; quite the contrary it creates anger and feelings of worthlessness. No one deserves to be hit, and to try to justify being hit is akin to covering that cake of shit with sugar. No matter how much we say we are glad, the body and the child within knows the difference

I recently had a conversation with a woman who was a victim of physical abuse. She was telling me all the reasons she needed to stay with her abuser. He did not mean it, she made him do it because she kept doing or saying things he told her not to do or say, he just wants her to be the best wife she can be, etc This is hogwash and gaslighting. Another, a victim of emotional abuse excused her husband's rants against her by saying he really was a good man, he did not hit her and he only raged and called her names when he drank too much. No one deserves to be talked to or treated in such a manner that makes them feel less than. To attempt to excuse such behavior is covering a cake of shit with sugar. 

Relationships, whether parent and child, spousal or friends, function best when there is mutual respect. We all deserve respect and kindness. No matter what we do or say, whether a child or adult, we never are asking for abuse. 

Whenever pain or anger shows up in our life, it is best to look it in the eye and deal with it. We cannot heal what we cannot feel so running away from the feelings will not make them go away. Sugar coating the ugly and smelly does not make it disappear; it only shows up again and again, like an adamant child who is demanding your attention.

I have lived a long time and have experienced more than my share of traumatic events. Often, the hurt and worthlessness presents itself to me in the form of a memory, and when it does, I let it in. It is okay to let the pain be pain, the ugly be ugly and the shit be shit. No need to excuse it or cover it over with a nice thought. Just let it be and let it heal!!