LISTENING

 "When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen, not talk or do-just hear me."   On Listening by Ralph Roughton

I do believe listening is a skill many do not have. We are taught to read and write. We are taught how to pronounce words and speak correctly. But, there are few classes on how to listen.

When I owned my management consulting firm, I used to write and present seminars and workshops. One of the favorites for me to present, and for the participants, was "Communication." It seemed to be an eye-opener for many to come to the understanding that they lacked the skill of listening. 

Some listening statistics:

Approximately 55% of our total communication time is spent listening.
On the average, Americans listen at an effective rate of only 25% and our immediate recall of the average brief message is 50%.
Within 48 hours we tend to forget 25% of what we heard
85% of what we know we learn by listening.

Listening is the total process of understanding the meaning conveyed by another. Therefore, to really hear what someone is saying we need to commit more than our sense of hearing to the process. We need to listen with our eyes watching for facial expressions, body language and gestures. We also need to listen with our heart so we can hear what's not being said.

We stop listening, or just don't listen, for many reasons. When I was a child and I was being lectured to, I'd hear what was being said with my ears, but the message went in one ear and out the other. The reason I didn't listen was because of the trigger words that were being used. 

Most of us. whether we are children or adults, respond negatively and stop listening when we hear the phrases: you should, you shouldn't, you always or you never. These are words that make most of us go deaf because we immediately have our anger or shame issues triggered by the words or phrases. 

Have you ever been trying to tell someone how you feel about something and wind up being hollered at, or put down by the other person? Have you ever tried expressing your feelings to another and have them tell you not to feel the way you feel? This is what happens when we do not know how to really listen and hear what someone is saying. 

When my husband and I first got serious about each other we made an agreement to communicate fairly and honestly. We agreed we would not use the words should, shouldn't, always or never in our debates or disagreements. Making blanket statements are unfair and almost always end in an argument or a shut down. Besides, what's true for most of us is we don't always, seldom never, and really, how could you possibly know what I should or shouldn't do. 

I believe many relationships fail because of lack of listening, and in many cases, due to lack of knowing how to say what we feel. When our statements to others are criticizing and demeaning, the listener jumps on the defense and cannot hear what is being said. When we are able to speak softly, and without blame, letting the other person know how we feel and what we need, without making them wrong and blaming them for how we feel, we can usually be heard. 

Sharing feelings and needs, and learning to listen to others, are a large part of what makes a relationship healthy and satisfying. It is never too late to start the practice of honing our listening skills. Start today. Put down whatever it is that you are doing and pay attention to others when they speak. Really listen!! Listen with your heart, not just your ears. You may be surprised at what you hear and what you learn when you start to listen. 

WE ALL NEED TO BE HEARD 💖💗💞