I have recently come to realize that I am much more comfortable giving than I am receiving. I am a giver by nature and have become even more of a giver in recent years. In my younger years, giving was about gifts and stuff. Today, giving is about opening up and sharing light, life, tenderness, care and love. This is easy for me because I really do care about others and often "feel" the need to reach out and be there for someone. I know part of my purpose is to be the listening ear, the understanding heart and the eye that sees beyond what is being shown to the world.
I am comfortable in myself when I am giving, and this is good. However, I now know that I am not as comfortable in receiving. In fact, receiving has not been easy for me. I can receive material gifts much more easily than I can receive support and nurturing for myself and my walk.
I did not know this until last month, April, when I was in the hospital for three days. I do not put a lot on Facebook about what is going on in my physical body, but that Monday morning I felt the need to take a selfie of me in the hospital bed and post it on my page. In hindsight, I can see that I was setting myself up to be gifted in a huge way.
After I posted the picture and the message, the responses started pouring in, I received words of love, compassion, and support through my email, text, Facebook, voice mail and messenger. The responses were overwhelming, and they kept on coming even after I got home.
After about twenty-four hours the light began to dawn and I noticed how, though I was delighted with the outpouring of love and care, I was also surprised. I did not realize I meant that much to so many or that my writing was impacting so many people.
I did not grow up in an atmosphere of praise for who I was or what I accomplished. My family was a loving, caring family and though dysfunctional, they were also big-hearted. We all cared for each other, it just happened that I was not the golden child. My brother held that title. He was the first born son and grandson and the family's hopes of having a college graduate was pinned on him. This was back in the 1940's when boys were groomed to go to college, but most girls weren't. Besides his being college bound, he also was the one who did everything right, he fit in and he followed the program. On the other hand, I was not that kind of child. I had my own agenda and heard a different drum beat.
It's not that anything was wrong with me, it's that I did not follow the rules, and I was mostly noticed when I misbehaved. Though we were a loving family, we were not a nurturing family. I do not remember being nurtured as a child, a teenager or a young adult. I remember always kissing good morning, good night and good bye but I have no memory of ever being cuddled or held. When I cried, I cried alone into my pillow, and more often than not, I just held the tears in. To be vulnerable was a no-no and I learned to not expect comfort and nurturing.
So, as an adult, for me to hear all the love and care coming from so many literally threw me for a loop. It took a while for me to notice what was happening and to realize the beautiful gift that was staring me in the face, and it took a little longer for me to open up and let it all in. There were people who cared about me and what happened to me. As I was able to take this in and feel it all the way to my core, I knew I was going to get better. I also knew I needed to open my heart, be vulnerable and let in all the love that was being sent my way.
I am committed to staying open to receiving hugs, words of comfort, and warm words of support. I realize the importance of receiving and have felt the impact it had on my entire being.
I am so grateful to all who reached out to me during what was a very difficult time. I did not know what was going to happen to me and was inwardly preparing myself to say my final farewells. From what I knew, something was drastically wrong with my lungs and I might have blockage in my heart again. I was afraid and thought no one cared. I was just another person, who happened to be a writer and an author, but who was insignificant in this great big world. And then the unimaginable happened. You reached out to me with love and support and your words nurtured me. You gave me the gift of learning how to open up and receive. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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