I still have an issue with expectations and notice how often I expect to be let down, left, or left out. I used to struggle with this, but since I am aware of what is happening, I am learning to let it in, look it square in the face and acknowledge what is going on. Being able to identify what I am feeling, while feeling it, helps me to see the basic belief I carry about life, which is, I do not matter.
In my logical mind, I know that I do matter. I am here for a purpose, and who I am and how I fulfill my purpose definitely matters. But, underneath that knowing, there is still a childhood belief that has not yet been completely healed.
I was disappointed by so many people in my life. I did not have the tools to help me to know, that the disappointment I suffered was not about me, it was about the people in my life who continued to let me down. I also did not know at the time, that if there had been someone in my life to nurture me and help me to understand that I mattered, and that what was happening was not about my being unimportant or less than, I probably would have developed a different mindset about who I was.
One of the worst and most devastating experience of my young life was centered around my daddy. After he left us, when I was around three, I did not see much of him. Every once in a while he came around, but in my mind it was never often enough,.
I was a little girl who loved her daddy and who longed to have him in my life. It was very important to me to see him so when he called to tell me he was coming, I would get very excited.
He would usually call on a Friday to tell me he would pick me up on Saturday morning. I would get up early because I was excited. If he said he would pick me up at 10:00 I would be at the front window looking for him by 9:30. What usually happened was, when 10:30 came and he still hadn't shown up, I would move to the front porch. By 11:00 I would be out in the front yard watching every car that went by, hoping the next one would be his. Finally, by 12:00 I knew he was not coming.
Unfortunately, this happened often. Yet, each time he called and set a date and time, I would still expect him to show. No matter how many times he disappointed me, I still hoped and expected him to come see me. This went on for years, until I got old enough to understand not to trust what he said. I also grew to believe that if I mattered, he would show up.
During this period of my life, every time this happened, I would wind up going inside and crying. My heart was broken and my self-worth shattered once again. My grandmother, who was well-meaning, but also not well-informed, always reminded me that my daddy did not love me and I needed to stop crying.
Those were difficult times for me and I can still remember how that little girl felt, being let down once again. Time passed and I grew up, but I still carried the expectation of being disappointed. In relationships, even with girlfriends, I was always waiting to be cast aside and left alone. If I planned to teach a class, and sent out flyers and had a lot of "yes" rsvp's, I usually expected no one to show up. I expected to be left, I expected to be the pariah.
It took years and a lot of inside work on my healing journey to be able to recognize this pattern that kept showing up in my life. Finally, after recognizing it many times I was able to come to terms with it and to go ahead and open the wound so healing could occur.
I still have an issue with expecting disappointment but I am happy to say, with extreme gratitude, the wound is being healed.
There is nothing wrong with having expectations, as long as we are not attached to the outcome, and as long as we are aware that shit happens and life does not always turn out the way we expect.
I have learned that circumstances will always present themselves in my life, and whatever the circumstance, who I am is okay and that I matter. Loving and caring for myself has helped me to turn the corner on this. I MATTER !! YOU MATTER!!!
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