I have been told that I am too emotional because I cry when I am happy and I cry when I am sad. I cry over beauty and I cry over hurt. I feel deeply for those whIo are in pain and cry with others as they express their pain.
I was not always able to be real with my emotions. As a child, I was strongly discouraged from crying. I remember being told "if you don't stop that crying I will give you something to cry about." When I was a child and I cried, I had a reason to cry. I never cried just to cry. Most children cry from sadness, emotional pain, or physical pain. As an adult, when I think of that statment, I believe it is the most insane and unfeeling statement that one human can make to another human. It is demeaning and it teaches children 1) to not trust their feelings and 2) to shut down.
Today, as I think back on how many times I was told to stop crying, I feel a deep sadness for that little girl who needed to cry and more than that, who needed to be held as she cried. I needed to have my feelings affirmed then, as I do now.
It saddens and angers me to know that humans think they have the right to take someones's tears away and to literally stop others from feeling. Even though I understand that people who do this were more than likely never allowed to express their emotions, theeby being uncomfortalbe around others emotions, it still is disheartening.
We usually learn to stuff our emotuons when we are children, especially sadness and emotional pain. I cried into my pillow a lot when I was a little girl because I knew it was not safe to cry out loud in front of others. I also learned it was more acceptable to laugh when I needed to cry and not to show sadness for someone else who was in emotional pain.
I finally learned to cry when I was in my early 50's. I was in a session with my therapist who I was seeing for depression and panic attacks. I had been depressed for a long time but had not been ready to deal with the pain. Finally, I made the decision to seek help and began to see a therapist. This therapist was not like any run of the mill therapist. This one had actually done her own healing work and understood the journey from trauma to light.
In one of my sessions, as she and I were talking about a painful event in my life, I laughed. She asked me how I felt about the event and I told her it made me sad. She then asked me why I was laughing if I was sad? That question stunned me and for the first time I had the actual understanding and ah-ha moment of how often I laughed when I really wanted to cry.
I told her I was afraid to cry because if I ever let myself break down and cry I would not be able to stop and I would wind up running down the street like a wild woman who was overcome with emotion. Eventually the paddy wagon would come and carry me away to a mental institution. The sad thing is I really believed that it was not safe for me to cry.
I will always remember her leaning slightly forward in her chair and saying to me, "It is safe for you to cry. I am here.." Then, "Never miss an opportunity to cry because tears are healing."
She was the first person in my life who actually gave me permission to have and express my emotions. She created a safe place for me to be real.
I did cry and I did eventually stop and I am happy to say once the dam was given permission to break, I learned firsthand the value of "letting go." It felt so good to not have to work so hard to keep my sadness underr control.
Since then I continually practice letting go and giving myself the gift of tears. I now know how cathartic tears are. I have had moments of crying so hard and so deep I am bent over and have felt the relief and the calm that follow intense crying.
I appreciate my tears and I appreciate everyone's right to have their sadness and their pain and to feel their way through it. Being in control is not a show of strength. Loving yourself enough to feel and heal is.
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