RELATIONSHIPS

Humans are relational beings. Over the years I have come to understand that most of our soul wounding happened in relationships, first with caretakers and later with others who we interacted with. Most of the healing of those wounds takes place in relationships also. We need relationships in order to grow and flourish. When we are in good, nurturing relationships we have the opportunity to expand and thrive.  When we are in poor, stressful and demanding relationships we tend to contract and draw within. Therefore, choosing who we spend time with, who we spend our lives with and who we interact with is important.

In past relationships I have endured, and in many instances, withstood. I have had my heart broken a few times.  I have had many relationships over the years; some good and some not so good.  I have been in relationships that were filled with anger and distrust and some that were fun and fulfilling. I have stayed in some relationships too long and left others too early.

As I look back on the relationships I have had I see one thing in common. All had something to teach me about myself and how I relate to others. In some cases I learned how to stand up and say no, in others I learned how to soften my stance. I did not know any of this at the time but as I look back and reflect on life, I can see how in some fashion I prospered in my growth as a human. I also learned what I did not want as opposed to what I did want to have in my life.

For sixteen years, I have been very blessed to be in a marriage with someone who is kind and nurturing, who always has my back and who has the ability to see me, hear me and listen without an agenda. Before I met Paul I was divorced and alone for almost six years. I did not even date during that time. Men would ask me out to dinner but I refused because I hadn't yet met anyone I wanted to share a meal with. My girlfriends would encourage me to go to dinner (it was a free meal) and I always responded with, "I am not willing to sit across the table from, and celebrate a meal with, someone I don't really like. Besides, I can buy my own dinner."

Then I met a European who was quite charming and very handsome. We dated for about five weeks and most of that five weeks was spent arguing. He was old school and was looking for someone to fix his meals, wash his clothes and be a companion. It did not take long for me to start calling him a chauvinistic pig while he chewed me out for dropping the F bomb too many times.  In his mind it was unladylike to say that word.  One afternoon while in the middle of one of our heated arguments, I had an ah-ha moment. I saw how I kept sticking with him, when there obviously was nothing between us, because I was needy. When the clarity hit, I stepped back and took a look at how often I stayed in unhappy relationships because of my need to be with someone and to feel wanted and okay. 

That was an eye opener for me, and with the insight, I was able to put an end to an unhealthy situation I had put myself into. I then took some time to do a review of my life and relationships and saw how often I sold out just so I could be "in a relationship." It looked like madness to me and I decided I was going to pay attention and make choices that would serve me in the long run. No more selling myself short in order to feel needed, connected and wanted. 

Then I met Paul. Neither of us were looking for a partner. We liked each other and were immediate friends and we remain friends until today. 

I have experienced the greater part of my soul healing since having Paul in my life. We made a vow to love and support each other, not only when we are feeling good and have it all together, but also when we are in a space of clearly forgetting who we are. Over the years our relationship has deepened as we stay true to each other and to our Anam Cara commitment.  We do not always agree on everything but we remain steadfast in our love and our promise to hear each other and to be honest. I am grateful for this partnership of love and keep giving my soul permission to take in all the love as I let the healing unfold.