INTO THE UNKNOWN

After 5 years of blogging and then shutting down my blog,  I was inspired to reopen it and start blogging again. This was a couple of years ago. I wrote 2 blogs and then stopped again because I realized the timing was not right. So here I am in July, 2022, blogging again. This time, I believe I am on target.

My writing life came to an end in 2016 when I began to feel empty and the words slowly stopped flowing. It became tedious for me to sit at my computer and attempt to put words on a page. My book, Alchemy 365, had just been published and I was busy promoting it on social media, on my web page and in my blog. I was strongly feeling an urge to let it all go and step into the unknown. I was not sure  how to do that nor was I keen on doing it, but I knew I had to follow the voice within. Making the decision was not easy because I didn't know how to give up writing, which had been a large part of my life. For a while I tried painting the rocks blue and pretending there was water where there was none. Finally the day came when I had to throw in the towel and follow the leading of my spirit and let it all go. Little did I know that Spirit had other plans for me and that it would bring me back to my love of writing.

For the next 5 years I learned the meaning of how powerful letting go and stepping into the unknown can be. I learned that I can trust my inner voice, that I can be quiet within and let the universe do its work, I learned I don't have to hold it all together. I found a depth of compassion, self-love and self-nurturing. Most of all I found another layer of myself. I found all of this in the strangest way and in a way I never would have imagined. 

I saw an ad in our little home town paper. The state was looking for volunteers to become Guardian Ad Litems. I didn't even know what a GAL was but for reasons unknown, I felt an urging to respond to the ad. I soon found out that a Guardian Ad Litem (CASA in some states) is a court appointed special advocate for abused and neglected children who are in the system. At this point in my life I was not what one would consider a person who was ga-ga over children. Children were okay, I had my own, but I did not necessarily want to be around other peoples children on an ongoing basis. I decided maybe this wasn't for me after all and I laid the thought aside. However, every week the ad kept appearing and every week I would read it again. I finally realized this was something I was supposed to seriously look at and consider doing so I responded to the ad. A month went by without getting a response so I figured it obviously wasn't for me after all. Then, I received a phone call, followed by an application, followed by a request for an in person interview. 

After going through an in depth background check and a training program, I was confirmed by the court and given my first case. I was very unsure of myself because I didn't know if I was going to be able to relate to these children. To my surprise and total delight I soon found myself completely engrossed in and committed to the lives and the well being of the children I was advocating for. I learned how to be an advocate. I learned how to be a symbol of love and trust to the children and before I knew it I found myself handling 5 cases at a time. No case was too hard for me because I saw and understood the suffering of the children. My life was filled with care, compassion and genuine concern for each child I was privileged to advocate for. 

Working with these children helped me to get in touch with my inner child and have a clearer picture of the emotional pain I was carrying due to events in my childhood. I often saw myself in the children. They mirrored to me my anger and sadness and my lack of self worth. I also saw myself in some of the parents and their apparent lack of parenting skills exacerbated by their own unresolved emotional pain and suffering. 

The more I opened myself to the children and fell in love with each and every one of them, the more clearly I saw what had been hidden under my busyness, which was a construct to keep me from going deep within and seeing my self. The more I saw the more I learned to embrace myself and come to a place of acceptance for the imperfect human I am. As I embraced and nurtured all of what I was seeing I began to grow in self love and self kindness and the more I loved me the more that love spilled over onto the children.  Without knowing it, these children turned out to be my healers and I will hold each of them in my heart forever. I also believe I brought love, acceptance and trust into these children's lives and that they will carry those gifts in their hearts. 

After 5 years of being a Guardian Ad Litem my husband and I decided to move to another state and I had to resign my position. As I look back on that time I understand that by allowing myself to go into the void, which I thought was going to be all blackness, I experienced  a huge turning point and stepping stone in my life.  I am preparing to write my second book and I now find my words starting to flow again.