Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out whenYou think everything's gone wrong and everything blows upIn your face
The above is a verse from Alanis Morisette's song, "Ironic." Ironic means contradictory and paradoxical.
Lately, life has held a lot of irony for me. One day, or one moment, I am in a funk, and the next I am okay. It's like the funk sneaks up on me and when I think it all sucks, the sun comes out and it is a beautiful day.
It has been about a year since I have felt good in my body. I so often find myself dragging and I seem to spend more time resting. For most of my life, I have been a high energy person. I usually feel okay in body, mind and spirit. However, since starting with this shortness of breath and fatigue issues, my get up and go seems to have gotten up and went.
I have no diagnosis. My heart checks out A-okay and except for a ground glass nodule on my lungs, they seem to be okay also. According to my pulmonologist, the nodule could disappear on its own, or it could grow. She will keep an eye on it, and other than that all is okay. So, I go from day to day pacing myself, going slower and resting when I am out of breath. I have no answers for why my body is doing what it is doing so I do all I know to do, which is to take care of myself, nurture my body and soul and be kind, gentle and responsive to whatever my body is calling me to do in the moment.
I seem to go up and down from deep contentment for where I am and for the miracle of life and love, to deep despair for what is happening in my body. Sometimes when I feel the worse, I walk outside and feel the sun on my face and see the beautiful trees standing tall and strong, and I feel an overwhelming sense of joy and gratitude. Other times, I am having a good day so I decide to take a walk and before I know it I am exhausted and short of breath and I have to come inside and hit the couch.
It is all ironic to me. I feel good, then I feel bad. I feel happy, then I feel sad. I think everything is going to be okay and then it falls apart. I think nothing is working and I will never feel good again, then something happens and I have hope.
I am not sure where I go from here, and I take life a day at a time and a moment at a time. I still have hope that I will get my breath and my energy back. In the meantime I go with what I have and continue to live as fully as possible. I am getting acupuncture and chiropractic. My friend Tom has done remote Reiki on me. My friend, Kathy, is paying for me to have a sound healing session and I am earthing. I also am thanking my body for continuing to breathe and for giving me the energy I need to get up every day and be here. So, we'll see what happens, because in the end, it is what it is!!
2 comments:
I can sure relate to this. I've been feeling the same way. Yesterday I was full of energy, and today my body feels 100 years old. Yesterday I was excited about our upcoming trip, and today I dread leaving the house. I have the same nodules in my right lung, and the doctors tell me it's "probably" nothing to worry about, but my back has been bothering me, and as someone who has survived breast cancer twice, and a precancerous uterus, there is fear and uncertainty lurking not too far underneath the surface. One day I convince myself it is muscular, and the next I feel my life must be winding down (which is, of course, inevitable). I think this seesaw is a natural part of life, but someone it becomes intensified as we grow old (old in this case being more than 70). I know that everything changes, and I believe that the blue sky is always there behind the clouds. But the feeling that my life is coming to an end persists, so I am fighting it in a disciplined
and rather aggressive way, which is not necessarily helpful. I can't seem to help it though. When I set my mind to do something, I go for it in a big way. In reality though, all we can do is exactly what you are doing. Ride the ride - I guess
the rest will sort itself out.
Kathy: Thank you so much for sharing your heart & truth with me. I relate to everything you said. I know quite a few women in our age bracket who are having the same experience as us. I am listening carefully & holding it all in my heart as I continue to process this. I can’t wait to see you when you get back from your trip. Please let me know when you are home.
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