ACCEPT YOUR ORPHANS

 Life is not always a pretty package tied with a beautiful satin bow. Sometimes the package is wrapped in plain brown paper and tied with a scruffy piece of string.

Sometimes I am surefooted and certain, and other times I am not sure about life or where I am going. There are moments when I am full of faith and the next moment I may have doubt. Some days I float along in joy, and other days sadness is my closest friend. Sometimes I sing, sometimes I cry. I have days of loving everything and everybody, and moments of anger, mistrust, fear and disappointment. THIS IS LIFE!!

We are whole beings and our journey here is about evolution of our soul. In order to evolve into our wholeness, our authenticity, we have to encounter and welcome back those parts that were split off and fractured. We must own our doubt, fear, sadness, anger and sense of inadequacy and shame. These are the orphans of our soul that have been cast aside because we do not like how they look or feel. We may think they are "unspiritual" and try to ignore them, deny them, get rid of them or pretend they are not there. We cast them out like a red-headed stepchild, and leave them on the doorstep of life hoping we will not have to deal with them, acknowledge them or give them a name. They become our orphans and we can spend countless hours pretending they do not exist; even when they do.

Because we are conscious, spiritual beings does not mean we always are on the up side and have nothing but positive thoughts and experiences. The authentic life is filled with both darkness and light. 

In order to be seen and acknowledged our orphans sometimes clamor for attention. They can be like a kid needing attention, who pulls on his mother's skirt or his father's pants leg. We may push them away, but they will continue to come back and pull on our skirt or pants leg again and again. Denying them access to light will not make them go away because they are already a part of our being. They may go into hiding for a while and make us think they are gone, but when we least expect it, they reappear. 

Someone may cut in front of us in line and we are ready to snatch them by the hair, or we may drop and break a dozen eggs on the floor and we have a meltdown. A person says something to us that activates our sense of shame and we go into attack mood. Rage, name calling, meltdowns, screaming at others, giving the finger to someone, needing to control people and things, and cursing objects or people are all part of the human experience that most of us would rather not acknowledge. They are our orphans. We do not like to think of ourselves as being less than perfect so we deny what we think is imperfect and unacceptable. 

Here's the thing. Denial does not make anything magically disappear. 

Until we learn to embrace our orphans and bring them into the light, while being open to seeing them fully, we will not be able to experience our fullness. Recognizing and accepting them as a part of our being is what shifts us into a place of authenticity and wholeness. THEY ARE ALREADY THERE!!

We all have orphans, those parts of self we disown and do our best to not let them see the light of day. God help us if someone should see our whole self.

We will always be missing a part of our selves, until we love, nurture and nourish our entire being, even the parts we don't like. It is safe to make space for the fractured and disallowed parts of self. Give your orphans a  home. Embrace them. Shower them with love and allow yourself to be at peace with your authenticity, and keep in mind that we are all perfectly imperfect.

A FEW THINGS I HAVE LEARNED

 

One of the good things about living as long as I have, is being able to sit and take notice of what I have learned over the years. I am 82 and still learning, and still growing and unfolding into who I came here to be. It has been quite a journey, and to me, one of the best parts of the journey, is seeing life through new eyes. As I continue to stay open to life and to change, I find myself having more and more ah-ha moments.

One morning this week, as I sat on my newly screened in back porch,  I had an awareness of how life has changed for me. A lot of the change has been on the inside, but there has been great change on the outside also.  I see things happening in the world that I  never dreamed I would ever see or hear. Some of it I can handle, a lot of it I find myself tolerating. What many today call "progress", I call hogwash, and wish I could wave a wand and make it disappear. I tolerate receiving an electronic message on a special occasion instead of a hand-written card; seeing the health care system turn into a medical industry; watching untold numbers of pharmaceutical commercials on every TV show, watching families out for a meal sit around the table and instead of talking, each has a phone in their hand, and worst of all, calling a business and having to jump through hoops to talk to a live person. 

But, I digress. It is easy to get on my soap box about our "modern" world, but this piece is about lessons learned in my life. I have been journaling about 3 of my greatest, life changing lessons so far. They are: 1)learning it is okay to say no, 2)it is okay to cry whenever I feel the need, and 3) I don't have to do anything to be okay.

SAYING NO

It has taken years for me to learn to say no. Because I was such a people pleaser, and so in need of approval and acceptance, I said yes often, even when I wanted to say no. As a result, I overextended myself to the point of overwhelm, I did things I did not want to do, and I sold myself short over and over. As my self-worth grew, and I began to know and appreciate myself on a deep level, I found myself developing and using the gift of saying no. The more I grew to the place of genuinely liking and appreciating myself, the less it mattered if others felt the same. I still want to be liked and accepted, I just am no longer needing to sell myself short in order to be approved. 

CRYING

In therapy, I learned that until we give ourselves the gift of tears, it is hard for us to let others cry. If we can't cry, another person crying can feel threatening. Letting them have their tears, may topple my deeply held fear and belief that it is unacceptable to cry.

Crying is a gift from creator. Shedding tears is so freeing and so cathartic for the soul. I had a hard time crying because I was taught as a child that crying was bad; it was not allowed. When I cried I was often told to stop crying or my grandpa would give me something to cry about. When I would feel very sad I would go into my bedroom and cry alone into my pillow. Crying was a sign of weakness and it signaled something was wrong and that was not allowed. 

I am grateful for my first therapist who gave me permission to cry and who showed me the importance of crying when I was sad, instead of laughing the sadness away. I am so aware of others who have not yet given themselves the gift of tears. They are the ones who try to make you laugh when you are sad. There are not many who can sit with someone who is sad and just hold them and let them have their sadness.

I also, unashamedly, cry when happy, which I have found can be annoying to others. It seems it doesn't matter if the tears are happy tears or sad tears, some people just can't allow others to cry. I am just the opposite in that I hold people close and encourage their tears, when I see or hear sadness in their voice.  Crying is good, shedding tears is healthy,.

I AM OKAY

It took me a long time to get to the point of knowing I am okay, just because I am. I always thought I had to be doing something, or behaving in a certain way, in order to be okay. I seriously did not know I was okay. No one ever suggested in any way, that I could just relax and not try so hard to feel like I fit in, or that I mattered in this big world. Thanks to my therapist who was the first to help me understand and know my worth.

As I look back on my journey, I can clearly see how creator energy, in her love and benevolence, saw my hunger and thirst for something real and, gently, step by step, helped me find the path that would take me home to myself. The closer I get to home, to my core, to my unchanging spirit, the clearer I see who I am and why I am here. 

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A big part of self-care is learning to say no, giving self permission to cry, when needed, and knowing you are okay. No one should have to work for approval or acceptance, no one should feel they have to say yes when everything within is crying no, and no one should have to stuff their tears because they think it is not okay to cry.

We all matter.

We are all important.

We all have emotions.

Therefore, I need to say to all who are reading these words: You are loved! You are here for a purpose! Your life matters! 

So, go ahead! Give yourself a few gifts today! Cry like there is no tomorrow! Let the tears flow. Say no to something or somebody you need to, and want to, say no to. Then give yourself permission to sit back, do nothing except take a few deep breaths, and remind yourself that who you are is okay.