GRIEF

 

Grief:  1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. 2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow. 3. Informal. trouble; difficulty; annoyance.

For some reason, most of humanity seems to equate grief with something to be avoided at all cost. We want to run from sadness or emotional pain. We want to escape feeling loss or sorrow. 

I do understand that we are a society of "positivity" and think that to feel what is really there is to miss the boat, and to somehow be wrong about life. We want to turn all losses into wins, instead of allowing self to be with the loss and grieve it.

I find myself facing grief often. I feel a sense of loss about life in general and my life in particular. I grieve the loss of life as I knew it and find myself saying all too often, "Please take me back to the 40's and50's when life was so much simpler." 

One of the things I have the most nostalgia about when it comes to the 40's and50's, is that family all lived close by. People were not scattered all over the country and the world. We (my family) and friends, all lived within an hour or so from each other. Most of us could ride our bikes to spend the day with a friend or a cousin. My grandparents were present, we celebrated every holiday, birthday and Sunday together. I don't think I appreciated that when I was younger, but I certainly do appreciate it now. And I have a longing and a sadness within over the fact that I miss my family. I miss my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I miss my cousins. I miss life as I used to know it.

I also grieve the loss of the days when there were winners and losers. Everyone did not have to win. In fact, it was important that we knew how to lose gracefully and how to celebrate ours and others successes.

I miss the days when I had a healthy body and I could do almost anything. I did not realize what a wonderful gift good health is until I lost mine. 

I miss spending Sundays with family. We always had family dinners, including when my children were growing up. Dinner with family was always important cause it was a time to gather around a table and share the bounty of the earth with each other. Family dinners were full of conversation, and I miss that.

I still grieve the loss of my mother and my brother. I knew my mother was going so I was prepared for her death but I was not ready to give up my brother. He and I were the only two left and we had grown to the place of openly sharing our lives and love with each other. I really miss him. 

Feeling loss and emotional sadness is okay. It is much better for us physically, mentally and spiritually to grieve our losses. Tears are good and it is healthy to cry. It is also an act of self-love.

Over the years, I have learned that once I give myself permission to grieve and to cry, I feel so much better. I feel a deep sense of calmness within after I have a good cry. So, go ahead and cry. Let it out, let the catharsis happen. Cry till you are cried out. It is okay to cry with abandon. Wail, if you must. Do whatever you need to do to let go of the grief and sadness. 

Let go of the thought that it is weak to cry; that something is wrong with you if you feel anything other than happiness all the time. Be real!!Be authentic!!

OUT WITH 2023-IN WITH 2024

 

2023 was a year of ups and downs, but then, when I think about my life, I see that every year is a year of ups and downs. I think that is life is general.  We all have good times and we have times that are not so good. I believe the gift in this is to learn to be with what is, roll with the punches, and go with the flow. We can fight life, or we can embrace what is and be at peace.

In retrospect, one of the best things to happen in 2023, was Paul getting a job driving locally so he could be home every night. What a difference this has made in our lives. I love knowing when he leaves for work in the morning, he is coming home later in the day. It was a hard time for us when he was on the road and was only home on weekends. We are both grateful for the change in his work life.

The most difficult part of 2023 has been dealing with my constant physical issues, which started in the spring of 2022. I spent part of this year seeing specialists, like a pulmonologist and cardiologist. I had lung function testing done, two CT scans of my lungs, an echogram and a heart cath to check for blockages in my heart. Everything checked out okay, save for a few minor issues, but I was, and still am, short of breath upon the slightest exertion, tired a lot, and usually in a brain fog. I have a few neurological issues and nerve issues in my body, I’ve lost my sense of taste, and I have occasional insomnia. By summer, I realized the medical industry had no answers or diagnosis for me, so I began earnestly the task of advocating for myself. I did mention my deep concern that I had long covid to my specialists and my PCP, however, no one had any response or answers. 

I spent the last six months of 2023 researching long covid, talking to people who have it, joining long covid groups, reading newsletters from long covid clinics and research organizations and paying close attention to my body. Over this year, I have become aware of how prevalent this virus is (long covid) and what others are doing to help with all of the debilitating symptoms.

I put myself into a Carda Care program, which is three times a week pulmonary rehab class. I started on an essential oils program to help with the breathing issues, added NAC (N-acetyl-L cystine, an amino acid) to my daily regimen and recently added Alpha Lipoic acid and Co-Q-10 to the mix. I am seeing slight changes in my body and my symptoms, however I feel like I take one step forward followed by two steps back. Regardless, I continue to read and study the research that is available. All I can do is all I can do, and I still hope I will eventually see the return of my ability to breath easily upon exertion, and gradually have my stamina return.

On a good note, in March I met two new sister friends here in Fredericksburg and they have really added to my joy and to my life. It is nice to have women of like mind to have lunch with and just to hang out with.

In May, my oldest great granddaughter graduated from high school and we made a trip to New Orleans so we could be there to celebrate her and her achievements. When we got home from that trip, my oldest granddaughter, who had been living with us for nine months, left to go home to New Orleans. It was hard to see her go.

I started organizing my second book in September and have been steadily working on it. It will be an anthology for and about women, so I am enjoying reading the stories that have been submitted for inclusion in the book.

In October, Paul and I went to Baltimore to see Queen, which was one of my dreams.  I really enjoy their music and had a Queen concert on my bucket list. Also, in October, we had our second annual women’s gathering at the beach. It was such a treat to spend 3 days with six incredible women.

We had another lovely family Thanksgiving and Christmas and ended the year on a mixture of a high and a low. Paul and I, and other family members, all came down with the flu, and I am still dealing with a bad cough. 

Then, on the 30th we picked up our new fur baby, Wally. He is a seven week old pup and is a one man wrecking ball. Yesterday afternoon, in desperation for a break, I ordered an animal playpen for him, which will be delivered tomorrow. I forgot what it was like to train a two year old child, and this puppy does remind me of an undisciplined, curious, bottomless pit of energy, two year old child. Oyvey!!

So, 2023 was a full year. Life seemed busier, even though I wasn't doing more; in fact, I am doing less. It just seems the days do not last as long, even though, to the best of my knowledge, there are still twenty-four hours in a day. I attribute the quickened passage of time to an increase in the Schumann’s Resonance.

I wish I could say I look forward to 2024, but I really do not. In a perfect world, I would be restored to a place of good physical health, the world would be at peace, or at least the inhabitants of this country would be at peace, and I would not have this innate feeling that I need to buckle up for what is coming.

However, in spite of what it is like out there, I am grateful for my beloved husband, my awesome children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren (and my two nephews), supportive and caring sister friends, and the knowledge that in my core, no matter what is going on out there, all is well within.

I pray the new year will bring you peace and joy along with the knowledge that you matter, and you are loved!!  Out with the old and in with the new!! Happy New Year..