ABANDONMENT

I know what abandonment looks like and feels like. I am one of the estimated 98% of people in the world who experienced being abandoned.

Over the years I have learned that abandonment is far deeper than being physically left. Many believe that having two parents in the home precludes abandonment. However that is not true. There are millions of people with abandonment issues who grew up in a two parent home. 

Children suffer abandonment issues when they are not seen or heard, not respected or honored, called names, made to feel or look stupid, shamed for one reason or another, not loved for who they are, have their thoughts and ideas trivialized, treated like they are in the way and told they are a pain in the ass and they are driving the caretaker crazy. Anything that makes a child feel they are not enough, or something is wrong with them, creates the pain of abandonment. 

Due to being physically abandoned by my daddy and being raised by adults who were emotionally unavailable, I grew up with huge abandonment issues. My family loved me and meant well, but in their inability to see what was happening to me, they failed to understand my pain and loneliness. They were unable to see the trauma I was in, so instead of giving me understanding, acceptance and care, I was shamed for my pain and forced to deal with issues a child cannot possibly deal with.

Doing what only a child could do, I created a story that something was wrong with me, that I was somehow flawed. Once we create a story about our experience of life, we live out that story until we come to a place on our path where we are able to identify the story, step out of it, and create a new one that is based on present truth. Our story creates our basic belief about self and life, and from our story we form the practice of self-abandonment. 

Make no mistake: our story informs our life. It is like we are being led around with a ring in our nose and we can't pull away for fear of having our nose ripped open. That's how huge an impact our story has on our life.

Though I have done a lot of processing on my abandonment issues, I now realize those first few years of dealing with this stuff was about peeling the outer layers away. The fear I carried all my life about being abandoned by others or by the world and its systems (job, money, relationships, etc) has greatly dissipated. What I now face is my self-abandonment issues.

Self-abandonment is an insidious disease that eats away at the core of life. It is not only insidious but it is also covert. It hides itself well until we are ready to see it for what it is. Anyone with abandonment issues cannot help but practice self-abandonment. It goes with the territory. It's what we learned. It's what we know.

Some of the ways we abandon self are:

Overactive mind with no shut off valve, constant worry with the inability to let things go, not allowing self to feel or to express emotions, especially sadness, not listening to our body by staying busy and not letting the body rest, shutting out compliments  or turning away help by denying we need it, refusing to be vulnerable, and taking on more than we can handle, adding stress to our life. 

We also contribute to our self abandonment by eating a lot of unhealthy foods.  We focus our attention on looking better on the outside while ignoring our inner needs, we constantly buy more stuff hoping to feel better, we are five sensory instead of multi-sensory and stay stuck in fear of the unknown. 

Self-abandonment comes naturally to us when we have abandonment issues. We do not get up in the morning and decide to abandon self on that day. When we have been abandoned by our primary caretakers, we easily learn to abandon self, UNTIL we take notice and make a conscious choice to begin the journey home to our inner being.

The healing process brings us home to the innocent, beautiful self we are, the one who knew how magnificent we were, the one who believed we could do anything, sing off-key at the top of our voice, dance without rhythm in front of a crowd, the one who knew no fear, the beautiful one who was present in our life before shame for not being enough or for not doing it right rook over. If our caretakers had any shame, we inherited it. 

Going home to our inner core, to that which was left behind, is the ultimate self-care. Are you ready for the journey to reclaim your authentic peaceful being? All it takes is a willing and courageous heart.  

A few suggested practices to assist you on your journey to self discovery:

• Carve out some quiet moments for yourself
• Learn how to breathe deeply from your diaphragm
• Notice how others treat you and speak to you
• Practice kindness towards your self:  rest your body, feed yourself healthy food, spend time in nature, stop any negative self talk, have a good cry, speak your truth, ask for what you want and need, nurture yourself
• If necessary, find a good therapist
• Have someone in your life you can speak your truth to
• Read uplifting books that encourage growth and inner child healing *

You matter and without you the universe would not be the same!!

* Suggested reading:

Alchemy 365: A Self Awareness Workbook by Brenda Lightfeather Marroy

The Seekers Guide by Elizabeth Lesser

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

Any and all books by Sark

PEACE OUT

 

THE SOFTENING CHALLENGE

 

If you softened all of your edges would your perceptions change? Would the harsh realities of life change shape and form so you could surrender more quickly? Would it be easier to consent to life and to being present?

What if:

• You softened your shoulders and neck and stopped holding them taut with stress and anxiety?

    You might be more at ease and at peace with yourself

• You softened your heart and remembered to love and accept yourself, warts and all?

    You might give up the need to look better, or different, or be better. You might stop                 judging yourself.

• You softened the edges of your mind and let harsh, sharp judgments about life and yourself slip away?

    You might be more inclusive with all of humanity

• You softened your vision to see the beauty in life, in all the big and little moments?

    You might be more at peace with where you are and with what is

• You softened your senses so you could feel and touch the unimaginable?

    You might see the possibilities before you and therefore live life larger

• You softened your hands so you could give and receive fully and easily?

    You might let go of what you are holding on to for fear of lack. You might also let more         love, friendship, appreciation, fun and life in

•  You softened your palate so you could taste life more fully?    

    You might begin to do the things you have longed to do, but were afraid of

• You softened your fear of being hurt so you would not worry about being vulnerable?

    You might allow yourself to feel more and to show your feelings

I know these are a lot of questions but they are questions that deserve honest answers. I find that we humans have a tendency to hold ourselves in small places. That which is unlike who we are scares us. When someone doesn't fit the mold of what we may have been told in our formative years is acceptable, and what we have been told is unacceptable, we too easily close the door on them. In some cases we seek to annihilate them.

Life is large. There are endless possibilities and often the only thing that keeps us stuck in places we don't like or would rather not be, is ourselves and our old ways of thinking.  Give yourself permission to ask questions of yourself and life. Allow yourself the freedom to reach for the brass ring. 

The ability to have life be what you want it to be, is in your hands.  I hope you go for it!!!

AS THE DOOR CLOSES

 

I have said many times, and have known for years, that I am here to learn and to grow. Planet Earth is my school and life is my teacher. This may be true for all of us, we just are not all aware of it. 

Because I always look at life through the eyes of a hungry student, I look inside life for the ah-ha moments. I have learned that if I stay open and aware, the gift inside the experience will show itself. Well, I had another ah-ha moment this week and once again, I was shown the value of trusting spirit and letting go, knowing everything is as it should be, even when most of my senses are saying "Oh hell no," and I want to struggle with what is.

This week Paul, suddenly lost his job. He called me Wednesday morning to ask me to come pick him up in North Carolina, because he had been let go from the company. Paul has been truck driving for ten years, eight years with this company, and has a clean DMV record. This job kept him on the road from Sunday afternoon to Friday and the only day he could count on being home was Saturday.

For the past three months he has been looking for a local driving job, one where he could be home every day and on weekends. He has put in close to a hundred applications, all online of course, and the only calls he has received has been from over the road companies. 

I had given up hope that he would ever find anything local that paid what he needed to make, and that had good benefits. I had reconciled myself to the thought that he would probably be on the road forever because no local companies were calling him.

On Thursday morning, after losing his job the day before,  he got up, took a shower and grabbed a handful of resumes and copies of his DMV record, and headed for the door. He said he was going to go to a few local companies that hired CDL drivers and leave his resume. 

He arrived at the first company, walked into the office and told them who he was, that he was a local truck driver with over ten years experience and he was looking for a job where he could be home every day. The person in charge looked at his resume, asked him if he could take a drivers test and off they went in the company truck. When they got back to the office he sent Paul for a drug screen and to his have his fingerprints done. When that was done they gave him a packet of employee papers and told him to come home and fill them all in and return them the next day. He was hired. The job pays what he was making and has full benefits. Hallelujah!!

The lesson, the ah-ha moment in this, was when spirit reminded me that I had been told, "when one door closes, another one opens."  I already knew that if the door was closing and I was too afraid to walk out, creator energy would see to it that I left, even if the door had to be slammed shut on me.

That is what happened this week. Paul had been looking for local work, knowing it was time to come home and to leave this company he had been with for years. He wanted a local job but was also hesitant in his heart about leaving the company.  I believe the universe intervened and made him leave so he would be free to job search for something local.

When this happened, I remembered an incident in my life. Back in the 1980's I was in a business partnership with another woman. We owned a management consultant firm and we specialized in working with orthodontic offices. 

After about a year and a half of running our business together, she had a big change in her life. She joined an evangelical church and was gung ho on her new religion. She began to proselytize me and though I told her I was not interested, she continued in her quest to bring me into the fold.  The more I resisted, the more she insisted, and it finally became a struggle. Nothing I did or said was right and we were at odds with each other. I knew I needed to bow out of that partnership and go out on my own, but I was afraid to do that. I did not have the financial means to start my own business, plus I lacked the confidence to go on my own, so I kept trying to work with her, while laying low.

Finally, because I did not have the courage to walk out, she had the locks changed, so when I went to work I could not get in the building. I thought about putting up a fight but something in me knew I needed to walk away, and that another door was going to open. My investment in the business was more knowledge of how to run an orthodontic office, rather than financial. 

About two weeks later my family came to visit and I has a chance to talk to my grandfather. I told him what had happened and that I wanted to open my own consulting business. I had already written a newsletter to send out to introduce my new venture and just needed the capital to buy a national mailing list, a few office machines and a post office permit for bulk mailing. My grandfather offered to give me the money I needed and I was able to move forward with my own venture.

I ran that business for many years and became quite successful as a consultant,  regional and national speaker, seminar leader and trainer.  Eventually I closed the business down because it was time to move on.

In both of these stories, the lesson has been to trust the closed door and let life take us in a new direction. I also learned that I could count on spirit to move me when I needed to move, but refused to do so, due to fear. 

Change is scary, and I am very grateful that even when I have resisted change, it has happened anyway. Creator energy continues to move in mine and Paul's life, as it moves in all of our lives. I think we miss growth and change when we hard-heartedly resist life. It may not always look like it is going in the direction we think it should be going, but I do believe it goes in the direction that is most productive for our growth and healing. 

As the door closes, let it close, and just wait for another door to open.

Perfect Imperfection

We live in a society that prizes perfection. Looking perfect, being perfect and doing things perfectly, is part of what  many strive for. Striving for perfection has many disadvantages. For one thing, when we make perfection our ideal, we tend to spend a lot of time focusing on how to reach that state. We become future oriented, always looking for the next something that will help to correct, or at the least, cover our imperfections.

Perfection means different things to different people. For many, perfection is about how they look, for some it is about what kind of house they live in or what kind of car they drive, and for others it may be about looking like the perfect person with the best family and almost perfect children.  

The word perfection means to be complete, flawless, without defect, faultless and absolute. Really? Do you know any one who fits this description??? 

Since perfection is a lofty goal, and is one that is pretty much unattainable, I say we give up the ideal and embrace the real, which is perfect imperfection, or what I call authentic.

Striving for the unreachable can lead to dissatisfaction with self and others. When life gets messy or uncontrollable, and life is often messy and uncontrollable, those who long for perfection will find themselves in a pickle.

Life is life, and often we find ourselves in places and situations where we would rather not be. Many times we don't look the way we wish we could look, our hair just won't do what it should do, sometimes our children are behaving like brats, our spouses are being jerks, our friends are not understanding enough, our jobs are not going the way we imagined they would, our neighbors are too loud and no matter how hard we try, we can't seem to cover up what we view as imperfection, and therefore wrong. 

Having to have everything look and feel perfect can be a full time job and eventually it will take its toll on our bodies, relationships and mental health. So, what are we to do?

One thing we can do is to understand there will always be the "imperfect", and we are all perfectly imperfect.  Let that sink in and give yourself permission to look and behave imperfectly. 

Something I have come to understand, is that perfection is about covering shame. When we believe something is wrong with us, that we are somehow flawed, we spend a lot of time in an attempt to cover those flaws, and cover our shame about those flaws. I believe the more shame based we are, the more glaring our flaws are to us. 

Unfortunately, when we are focused on perfection, our need for everything to look okay includes those in our lives to whom we are attached. This can include a need to control the behavior and being of our spouses, children, siblings, and even our parents. 

God forbid, someone should see that I am not perfect; that I get angry, I get depressed, I sometimes curse like a sailor and throw the F bomb around. I also tend to cry when I am both happy and sad, my house is not always in order and my furniture does not match. Add to that my imperfect spouse and marriage. Yowza!! My spouse is color blind so he wears green checks with purple stripes, we both have gas so we burp and fart often, and we sometimes wear pajamas all day on Saturday or Sunday. I often want him to be more perfect and more in line with how I want him to be. Sometimes I forget how perfectly imperfect he is, and I have to remind myself how precious he is, and what a beautiful soul I am married to.

When we are looking for the perfect in another person, we often miss who the person is, or we forget who they are, because we are focused on what is not what we consider perfect. Many relationships are ruined due to our need for perfection. 

Needing to be, and even appear to be perfect, is such bullshit and is so exhausting. It is an unreachable goal.

Imagine this!! Applaud yourself for a failed recipe. Instead of apologizing and making yourself wrong for not getting it perfect, acknowledge yourself for doing your best. Instead of cursing yourself for getting lost and being so stupid you could not follow directions, thank yourself for the journey and go on from there. Give yourself a break!!.

Love what you do have. Love yourself as you are and celebrate your perfect imperfections. Quit waiting for it, or you, to get better and more perfect, love it where it is. Allow the perfection of the imperfect to be front and center. Celebrate beautiful/handsome imperfect you.!!