CAUGHT IN A SHIFT STORM

 

Here I am again, writing about sadness and loss. I really want this blog to be full of joy and love of life and a lot of hallelujahs. However, life does not always move in the direction I want, nor does it always turn out the way I want it to.

I know I have a bucket full of joy within and a deep love of life and for life. I just don't always live from that space. Lately, life has been more about upheaval, shifting and change.  I still love life and I am grateful for the life that I have been given, but being real and authentic means I have to acknowledge it does not always feel good.

I feel like I am caught in a shift storm, where the winds are fiercely blowing, my life is crazily shifting,  and life as I knew it is passing away. I have always been a high energy person who loved to work in the yard, bake and cook from scratch, prepare good meals, keep my house clean and orderly and still have energy left over to do fun things with family and friends. I have never been a couch potato. I have always been an early to bed and early to rise person. I felt like I did things with gusto.

Well, that life, or I should say, that version of myself, is passing away. My get up and go has gotten up and gone, and I am basically tired and breathless for most of my waking moments. I seldom bake homemade treats any longer, I clean my house out of necessity and I do yard work in short sprints. 

My body is failing me physically and I have no answers for why this is happening, therefore I have no solutions. At my latest ER visit, I did have pulmonary edema added to the list of what is no longer working properly, so now I am taking lasix to attempt to keep the fluid out of my lungs. According to all the tests that have been done, my heart function is good, there is no blockage and my lung functions are okay. So, now what? Perhaps one day I will find an answer and someone will be able to help me find a solution, And, maybe not. Maybe this is my new norm and I need to find a place of comfort in it.

Add to that, people I love, who have been present in my life, are moving away. My granddaughter and her dog have been living with me and Paul for nine months. I got used to her presence and we enjoyed many moments together. She has moved back to New Orleans so she could be with her mother. My son, who lived in Northern Virginia, but still worked in Fredericksburg, used to spend two to three nights a week here with me. He and his wife built a new home close to Fredericksburg so he will no longer be coming here to spend the night. I am very happy for both of them, and knew this was coming, but it still hit me square in the face all at the same time. And for the first time in seventeen years of living with my husband he is now, all of a sudden, having physical issues in his body. 

This all feels like a great big shift storm and I feel like I am caught in a whirlwind.  I find myself in a place of sadness for the losses I am feeling, discomfort for the not knowing what is happening to me and my husband physically, and fatigue over it all. This is unchartered territory.

So, this morning, while contemplating my life, I was reminded of the first chapter in the book "Illusions" by Richard Bach, I have read this book many times, and the first chapter has always been my favorite part of the story.  However, this morning, it took on new meaning for me as I went back and read it again.

Basically, it tells the story of a village of creatures who live at the bottom of a great crystal river. As the current of the river swept over them, each creature clung tightly to the twigs and rocks at the river bottom, clinging to their way of life and resisting the current.

One day one of the creatures said, "I am tired of clinging.  Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I will die of boredom."

All the other creatures laughed and called him a fool, but he heeded them not, and taking a breath he let go. At once he was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.  Yet, in time, as he refused to cling to what was, the current lifted him free from the bottom and he was bruised and hurt no more. 

After reading this again this morning, and meditating on it, I made the decision to let go of life as I have known and loved it, in all its familiarity and comfort, and trust the current to carry me to a place of rest. Shifts will always happen, it is part of life, and I understand I can fight it or go with it. I do not know what is in store for me or for Paul, but I have a feeling going with the current is easier than clinging to that which has been familiar territory, and that which has felt good, but is quickly passing away.

My intention is to embrace and to open up to whatever is part of the shift. Who knows? Better may be in store. 

ISN'T LIFE IRONIC?

 Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you

When you think everything's okay and everything's going right

And life has a funny way of helping you out when

You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

The above is a verse from Alanis Morisette's song, "Ironic."  Ironic means contradictory and paradoxical.

Lately, life has held a lot of irony for me. One day, or one moment, I am in a funk, and the next I am okay. It's like the funk sneaks up on me and when I think it all sucks, the sun comes out and it is a beautiful day. 

It has been about a year since I have felt good in my body. I so often find myself dragging and I seem to spend more time resting. For most of my life, I have been a high energy person. I usually feel okay in body, mind and spirit. However, since starting with this shortness of breath and fatigue issues, my get up and go seems to have gotten up and went. 

I have no diagnosis. My heart checks out A-okay and except for a ground glass nodule on my lungs, they seem to be okay also. According to my pulmonologist, the nodule could disappear on its own, or it could grow. She will keep an eye on it, and other than that all is okay. So, I go from day to day pacing myself, going slower and resting when I am out of breath. I have no answers for why my body is doing what it is doing so I do all I know to do, which is to take care of myself, nurture my body and soul and be kind, gentle and responsive to whatever my body is calling me to do in the moment. 

I seem to go up and down from deep contentment for where I am and for the miracle of life and love, to deep despair for what is happening in my body. Sometimes when I feel the worse, I walk outside and feel the sun on my face and see the beautiful trees standing tall and strong, and I feel an overwhelming sense of joy and gratitude. Other times, I am having a good day so I decide to take a walk and before I know it I am exhausted and short of breath and I have to come inside and hit the couch. 

It is all ironic to me. I feel good, then I feel bad. I feel happy, then I feel sad. I think everything is going to be okay and then it falls apart. I think nothing is working and I will never feel good again, then something happens and I have hope.

I am not sure where I go from here, and I take life a day at a time and a moment at a time. I still have hope that I will get my breath and my energy back. In the meantime I go with what I have and continue to live as fully as possible. I am getting acupuncture and chiropractic. My friend Tom has done remote Reiki on me. My friend, Kathy, is paying for me to have a sound healing session and I am earthing. I also am thanking my body for continuing to breathe and for giving me the energy I need to get up every day and be here. So, we'll see what happens, because in the end, it is what it is!!

GIVING AND RECEIVING

I have recently come to realize that I am much more comfortable giving than I am receiving. I am a giver by nature and have become even more of a giver in recent years. In my younger years, giving was about gifts and stuff. Today, giving is about opening up and sharing light, life, tenderness, care and love. This is easy for me because I really do care about others and often "feel" the need to reach out and be there for someone. I know part of my purpose is to be the listening ear, the understanding heart and the eye that sees beyond what is being shown to the world. 

I am comfortable in myself when I am giving, and this is good. However, I now know that I am not as comfortable in receiving. In fact, receiving has not been easy for me. I can receive material gifts much more easily than I can receive support and nurturing for myself and my walk.

I did not know this until last month, April, when I was in the hospital for three days. I do not put a lot on Facebook about what is going on in my physical body, but that Monday morning I felt the need to take a selfie of me in the hospital bed and post it on my page. In hindsight, I can see that I was setting myself up to be gifted in a huge way.

After I posted the picture and the message, the responses started pouring in, I received words of love, compassion, and support through my email, text, Facebook, voice mail and messenger. The responses were overwhelming, and they kept on coming even after I got home. 

After about twenty-four hours the light began to dawn and I noticed how, though I was delighted with the outpouring of love and care, I was also surprised. I did not realize I meant that much to so many or that my writing was impacting so many people. 

I did not grow up in an atmosphere of praise for who I was or what I accomplished. My family was a loving, caring family and though dysfunctional, they were also big-hearted. We all cared for each other, it just happened that I was not the golden child. My brother held that title. He was the first born son and grandson and the family's hopes of having a college graduate was pinned on him. This was back in the 1940's when boys were groomed to go to college, but most girls weren't. Besides his being college bound, he also was the one who did everything right, he fit in and he followed the program. On the other hand, I was not that kind of child. I had my own agenda and heard a different drum beat.

It's not that anything was wrong with me, it's that I did not follow the rules, and I was mostly noticed when I misbehaved. Though we were a loving family, we were not a nurturing family. I do not remember being nurtured as a child, a teenager or a young adult. I remember always kissing good morning, good night and good bye but I have no memory of ever being cuddled or held. When I cried, I cried alone into my pillow, and more often than not, I just held the tears in. To be vulnerable was a no-no and I learned to not expect comfort and nurturing.

So, as an adult, for me to hear all the love and care coming from so many literally threw me for a loop. It took a while for me to notice what was happening and to realize the beautiful gift that was staring me in the face, and it took a little longer for me to open up and let it all in.   There were people who cared about me and what happened to me. As I was able to take this in and feel it all the way to my core, I knew I was going to get better. I also knew I needed to open my heart, be vulnerable and let in all the love that was being sent my way.

I am committed to staying open to receiving hugs, words of comfort, and warm words of support. I realize the importance of receiving  and have felt the impact it had on my entire being.

I am so grateful to all who reached out to me during what was a very difficult time. I did not know what was going to happen to me and was inwardly preparing myself to say my final farewells. From what I knew, something was drastically wrong with my lungs and I might have blockage in my heart again. I was afraid and thought no one cared. I was just another person, who happened to be a writer and an author, but who was insignificant in this great big world. And then the unimaginable happened. You reached out to me with love and support and your words nurtured me. You gave me the gift of learning how to open up and receive. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.