LONELINESS AND ALONENESS

I am aware that I can be alone, in a place of solitude, and not be lonely.  And, I can be in a crowd of people and feel alone and lonely. I love humanity and I enjoy being with others, however I also treasure my moments of aloneness. When I am in a space of solitude, I am at peace and I enjoy a feeling of fulfillment.

I believe loneliness is a state of being that is a result of separation from Self, which results in being out of touch with our soul and spirit. When we come home to our Self (please note the capital S, which refers to our higher Self), we reconnect with all there is. There is a fullness in being connected to all there is. It is a space where we move beyond the little self. In this place, we can be alone, but not lonely. Our fullness of being no longer comes from a place outside of us. It all abides within. Here, we experience the largeness and expansion of life that we all long for.

When we come to the planet we are in a space of oneness. We are fully connected-body, soul, spirit. Once we take on a physical body and begin the process of enculturation and indoctrination into the life, family, culture and society we are born into, we begin to lose our oneness with all there is, with our essential Self.

We learn to adapt to the norms of our caretakers. We learn to play the game of fitting in. Many parents think their job is to mold a child into what the parent thinks the child should be. It is through this process that we begin to move from the fullness of who we are to becoming that which is acceptable. Most children have no choice but to conform to the norms. Choice is taken away by the threat of being unaccepted, shamed, punished and in some cases, abused. The further we move away from our Self, the lonelier we become and the more time we spend looking for something to fulfill us.

A vacuum has been created where the once complete Self was.  The ultimate result is isolation from Self and a deep longing within for we know not what. If we do not have the understanding of what we are longing for, we usually try to fill that emptiness with stuff outside of our being. We may use shopping, working, sex, entertainment, busyness, religion, drugs or alcohol. In this state of unawareness, we attach ourselves to anything that will help us fill the gaping hole in our being.

I know the process because I lived it most of my life. I tried everything to fill that need. It took years for me to finally realize I was looking for love, acceptance and fulfillment in all the wrong places. That is when I began the journey home to my core which is where all I longed for was tucked away for safe keeping. There I found, not a concept of the divine outside of myself, but the divine herself. My higher Self was within, not up in the clouds, somewhere out of reach. 

It has taken years of chipping away at the hardened surface that kept the authentic me hidden from the surviving me. I have learned to embrace and make room for those parts of me that were banished into darkness, those traits/characteristics/behaviors that were "bad" and unacceptable. I have made space for them in my life and acknowledge their existence. 

I challenge you to love and accept yourself-all of you. The good, the bad and the ugly. Be forgiving and gentle to those hurt parts of yourself. Practice excavating. Dig for gold. Mine for diamonds. Do what it takes to reclaim yourself-all of yourself, not just acceptable parts but the parts that have been orphaned also. 

SEVEN THINGS I DEEPLY LOVE

 "Sometimes you hear a voice through the door calling you,

As a fish out of water hears the waves...

Come back. Come back.

This turning toward what you deeply love saves you."  Rumi

After reading this for the third time, I asked myself, "What do I deeply love?" What are the things in my life that call to me? Those things, events and people that bring joy and satisfaction to my life. After deep contemplation and looking within, I decided the following are the things I deeply love:

1. I deeply love things of the spirit, like quiet mornings where I can sit still and follow my breath in and out. I practice presence during these times and feel a heightened sense of awareness as I pay attention to the feel of the chair I' m sitting on, the smells in the air, the sounds around me, and the feel of the floor or the ground beneath my feet. I sometimes scan my body to see if there are any areas of dis-ease that I need to pay attention to. I write my feelings and my mettas for the day. Doing this ritual in the morning prepares me for my day and reminds me what is important.

2. I deeply love soft, intimate times with Paul, when we connect on a conscious level. We sit quietly facing each other and share our fears, desires, and concerns. As we really listen to each other with compassion and love we create a bond and a level of in-to-me-see (intimacy) that nourishes our relationship. I also love motorcycle riding with Paul. We both touch pure joy when riding through mountains and forests.

3. I deeply love quiet moments with my sister friends who have chosen the path of healing. Our conversations are honest and personal as we reveal our hurts and joys to each other. During these moments I am lifted to new heights.

4. I deeply love family get-togethers when we all remember to love and respect each other, to lift and support each another and to express tenderness and kindness.

5. I deeply love being in nature, walking through the woods, hugging the trees, sitting by the water, looking at the night sky, being around animals, digging in the dirt planting flowers and vegetables, sitting and laying on the ground, walking barefoot and feeling and closely examining rocks and stones. Anything that allows me to touch and be part of nature calls to me.

6. I deeply love coming home to my authentic Self. I've been absent for years, not knowing who I was or what I needed. The more I reconnect with, and embrace my authentic Self, the more compassion I have to give to others. As I embrace and accept all of me, I notice I want less of what the world offers.

7. I deeply love laughter that comes from the gut. It feels good to laugh so hard I double over, my cheeks and jaw hurt and tears run down my face. I feel cleansed and at peace after a bout of belly laughter. Paul and I have started taping episodes of Seinfeld and Golden Girls. We watch a show or two before we go to bed and laugh a lot. It eases my soul and makes me feel good. 

I invite you to find a quiet place, take a few deep belly breaths, relax your body and ask yourself the questions, "What do I deeply love?" and "What brings me pure joy?" Write your answers so you can refer back to them.

Make time to give yourself the gifts of that which you love to have and to do. I believe turning towards the things we truly love makes a difference in whether we are living fully or partially existing. 

I would love to hear from you. What do you deeply love?

BEING A SEEKER AND CHANGING COURSE

When one way of seeing, doing, or thinking about life no longer works to our advantage, it may be wise to change our course. In most cases, there is more than one way to get from here to there. We can get stuck doing something one way and miss or even refuse to change course and try another way.

The old saying, "But we have always done it this way," can cause us to get stuck in how we do life. I believe, in order to change our course in life, it requires us to change our thinking. Because we have always thought one way about something does not mean we cannot think another way.

A lot of what we do or think has been passed on to us by our caretakers and/or by society, religion and authority figures. Because mom, dad, grandma or the Rabbi or priest said something was absolute does not mean you can't question it. 

When I was growing up, a lot of pedagogy was passed on to me, and I  grabbed hold of it and lived my life according to those rules. I did not question what I was taught, because I believed if an authority figure was teaching it, it must be right. I also was taught that it was unacceptable to question what my elders said. 

As I  got older and began to develop my own life, I started questioning a lot of what I was taught, and my life began to change. Life has actually gotten bigger. Asking "who made that rule?" and "Is this really true?" has set me free from many of my self-imposed/inflicted barriers to larger living.

I always adhered to the belief that it was faux pas to wear white after labor day and to have long hair after age 50. I knew, and I thought rightfully so,  blacks had their own section of town, if you were not a catholic you were going to hell, and if you were gay something was wrong with you.  Children were to be seen and not heard, god was a male figure and if my family or church said something was so, it was so. This was how I lived, the road I walked, and the course I was on.

Gratefully, I grew up and learned it was okay to question the rules of my family, the teachings of my elders and the dogma of the church. I learned I had a brain and it was okay, and even good, to be a critical thinker. I could think for myself!!

As my thinking broadened, so did my life. Some of the questions I asked, and the truths I saw as a result, scared me. As I began to change the dance steps I had always done, I soon found myself out of step with those in my life who were not ready to try new dance steps. I understood that it was easier to cling to long held beliefs and not question anything.  Over a short period of time I began to feel like a pariah, even within my own family.

Let me be clear that I did not begin to question the way of life I had been taught, just for the sake of questioning. The questions started because my soul was longing for expansion. I knew, on some level there was more to life and living than what has been passed on to me. It did not matter if everyone around me believed black was white. I was being pushed from within to take a long hard look at it and see if black was really black. (I am not talking about skin color.) What I did not know at the time was that I was destined to be a seeker. 

I remember, once, a long time ago, my brother and I were both visiting our mother at the same time. He came to me in the kitchen one morning, as I was sitting at the table writing. He gave me a piece of paper with a scripture on it. It was something about seeking. He told he he was worried about me because I always seeking and searching. I was instantly aware that in his mind, he believed something was wrong with me, because I was a seeker. I knew there would be no value in arguing for myself or in trying to make him understand where I was. So I just smiled at him and acknowledged he was right. I was a seeker!!

My heart has always been a seeking heart. When I was younger I did not know that because I did not know it was okay to find my own path in life.

I am still a seeker and probably always will be. I embrace that part of myself. I embrace my longing for more-more clarity, more life and a bigger vision. It is who I am. It is a big part of why I am here. I have learned that the clearer my vision and the larger and lighter my life, the more inclusive I have become, the deeper my empathy for others, and my compassion for the suffering I see in the world has grown.

I paid a price for being a questioner, for stepping outside of the box and coloring outside the lines. But, I do not regret any of it, and I continue to question and seek in order to continually broaden my vision. This is me and I honor my walk and my hunger. 

A BUMP IN THE ROAD OF LIFE

Even though, on many occasions, it feels like my life is getting smaller, it is actually expanding, Due to my continued failing health it seems life is smaller. There are fewer things I can do due to shortness of breath and fatigue, and I am relegated to the couch more often than I like. However, when I look with a clear eye and heart,  I can see how what looks like failure on my part, to keep myself healthy, is really just another bump in the road of life. 

For so long, I have struggled against this thing that is happening to my physical body. Thinking I had finally accepted what was happening, I then realized, instead of giving up struggle I was now struggling against the struggle. The struggle seemed wrong, so I fought the struggle. When I think about it, I can see how ludicrous this sounds and how destructive this can be for anyone. 

The truth is, I don't want to give up having a high energy, healthy body that afforded me the opportunity to do a lot of things in life. I could get up and go at the drop of a hat and now I sometimes even struggle with getting up out of a chair and getting dressed. Forget the extra effort of going out the door and going where I want to go and doing what I want to do. I had few physical restrictions, and now I have many. Some days I feel better than others, but overall, I just don't feel good. I don't feel like myself.

I don't like not feeling good. I don't like not being able to go for a walk. Almost everywhere I go now, someone has to drop me off at the door because I am too fatigued to walk what is usually a short distance from the car to the entrance of where I am going. This is not supposed to be the way life goes.

Accepting that my life has turned upside down and inside out has been very hard for me. But, I feel like I can no longer struggle because the more I struggle the smaller the box feels. I have to let it all go and accept life as it is now. What keeps running through my soul is, "this too shall pass." What also runs through me is the thought/belief that this is just another bump in the road of life, and the key to being okay is to let it all be okay. 

I believe life has the ability to expand from misery, to joy and peace, when we give up resistance and take life as it comes. 

 

Acceptance is a huge concept and it entails giving up the need to control life and to control outcomes. After all, my health was not supposed to take a downward turn. I was supposed to always be in good health and feel good. I took care of my body, ate healthy, exercised and thought I would always be full of energy and vitality. How could my body fail me so?

I am having to realize that nothing or no one has failed me, nor have I done something wrong to bring this upon myself. Rather, it is just what is so. Why did I get sick? I don't know. What do I have to do to get better? I don't know. I have no answers. The medical industry has no answers either. All I do have is the willingness to let it all be and to not make any of it wrong, to remember that life happens, and to get out of the way so I don't impede the progression of life.  

Like everything in life, acceptance is an ongoing process. I don't think we accept once and all struggle is gone. My acceptance level is expanding as I continue to be with what is and live life accordingly. I rest more, I have much more down time and I give myself permission to not feel good. I do believe that as I continue to choose acceptance and find a way to consistently embrace the situation, it will all get a little easier. Who knows? One day, I may get over this bump in the road and be able to look back with tenderness and compassion at "what once was."