IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

How do you treat yourself? Do you speak soft, encouraging words to yourself, or do you call yourself names and put yourself down? Do you nurture your body and give it what it needs? Do you feed it healthy foods, give it rest when it is tired, water when it is thirsty and warmth and comfort when it is needed? Do you pay attention to your soul needs for quiet, downtime, introspection and lots of love?

It is important to treat ourselves as we want and need to be treated. To be kind and generous to Self. This is part of keeping ourselves in grace as opposed to aggressing against our self. 

As children, many of us were not taught, or even encouraged, to care for Self. We were pushed to do more, to pay attention, and to do as we were told. Get up, make your bed, mow the lawn, clean the kitchen, sweep the garage etc. were familiar messages for many. Sometimes these were commands, sometimes requests, and often said with a sting of reproach if we did not want to do what was expected. There certainly is nothing wrong with a parent teaching a child to be productive; it becomes harmful to the child when the parent says or does things that makes the child feel something is wrong with them if they do not want to do what they are told to do. Often, in the parent's desire to mold the child into a productive person, they fail to see who the child is, or to hear what the child needs. Children's feelings, thoughts and desires can be overlooked, or even ignored, and treated as unimportant, which is detrimental to the development of the child. 

Generally, parents do not intend to hurt their children's psyches. The intention usually is to make the child conform to what it wants the child to be. Unfortunately, often parents do not know who their child is here to be or what the childs' sacred calling is, so they do what they think they are supposed to do if they are a good parent, and that is to mold the child into an image of their definition of success. 

Is it any wonder we grow up conforming to the desires of others?  

I know too many men and women who drive themselves to be more and to do more, while ignoring the cry of their soul to be quiet, rest awhile and come home to their authentic Self. They do this, not because they long to be busy, but because it is how they were taught to be when they were a child.

Our soul calls us home to a place of peace and contentment, but we can't hear the call when we are too busy trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  

Whoever you are, and wherever your are, you deserve to live in love, and to walk in your sacred purpose. Listen to what your body is telling you, Offer yourself big, healthy doses of nurturing and comfort. Wrap your arms around yourself and give YOU a hug. Put your hands on your heart and softly whisper to yourself, "I am here", "I love you", "I see you". 

Stop, and ask yourself, "What do I need in this moment?"  "How do I feel in this moment?" Asking questions can be good, and answering honestly can be enlightening. 

Come home to yourself. You deserve to be seen and heard and to know you matter. You deserve to live large and inhabit your purpose. I know you matter greatly. Do you know how much you matter?

LISTENING

 "When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen, not talk or do-just hear me."   On Listening by Ralph Roughton

I do believe listening is a skill many do not have. We are taught to read and write. We are taught how to pronounce words and speak correctly. But, there are few classes on how to listen.

When I owned my management consulting firm, I used to write and present seminars and workshops. One of the favorites for me to present, and for the participants, was "Communication." It seemed to be an eye-opener for many to come to the understanding that they lacked the skill of listening. 

Some listening statistics:

Approximately 55% of our total communication time is spent listening.
On the average, Americans listen at an effective rate of only 25% and our immediate recall of the average brief message is 50%.
Within 48 hours we tend to forget 25% of what we heard
85% of what we know we learn by listening.

Listening is the total process of understanding the meaning conveyed by another. Therefore, to really hear what someone is saying we need to commit more than our sense of hearing to the process. We need to listen with our eyes watching for facial expressions, body language and gestures. We also need to listen with our heart so we can hear what's not being said.

We stop listening, or just don't listen, for many reasons. When I was a child and I was being lectured to, I'd hear what was being said with my ears, but the message went in one ear and out the other. The reason I didn't listen was because of the trigger words that were being used. 

Most of us. whether we are children or adults, respond negatively and stop listening when we hear the phrases: you should, you shouldn't, you always or you never. These are words that make most of us go deaf because we immediately have our anger or shame issues triggered by the words or phrases. 

Have you ever been trying to tell someone how you feel about something and wind up being hollered at, or put down by the other person? Have you ever tried expressing your feelings to another and have them tell you not to feel the way you feel? This is what happens when we do not know how to really listen and hear what someone is saying. 

When my husband and I first got serious about each other we made an agreement to communicate fairly and honestly. We agreed we would not use the words should, shouldn't, always or never in our debates or disagreements. Making blanket statements are unfair and almost always end in an argument or a shut down. Besides, what's true for most of us is we don't always, seldom never, and really, how could you possibly know what I should or shouldn't do. 

I believe many relationships fail because of lack of listening, and in many cases, due to lack of knowing how to say what we feel. When our statements to others are criticizing and demeaning, the listener jumps on the defense and cannot hear what is being said. When we are able to speak softly, and without blame, letting the other person know how we feel and what we need, without making them wrong and blaming them for how we feel, we can usually be heard. 

Sharing feelings and needs, and learning to listen to others, are a large part of what makes a relationship healthy and satisfying. It is never too late to start the practice of honing our listening skills. Start today. Put down whatever it is that you are doing and pay attention to others when they speak. Really listen!! Listen with your heart, not just your ears. You may be surprised at what you hear and what you learn when you start to listen. 

WE ALL NEED TO BE HEARD 💖💗💞

NURTURING OUR NERVOUS SYSTEM

Matt Licata said, "Maybe, when it's all said and done, there will be only one question that remains. How well did I love here? Did I slow down and take the time to really experience this life? To help someone who was hurting? To paint something or dance, or to put my hands in some clay? To look into the eyes of the person passing by or into the eyes of a little one? Or to fall to the ground in awe of the earth and her beauty and her power and her grace? Did I really allow myself to experience the sunrise or the moon, or a child playing, or the colors and the falling leaves? Or the holiness, and being able to take one full breath?"

No one knows how long we have to live, so treating each moment like it is special, and a gift, does matter. We are not here to be busy—we are here to be. I see so many running to and fro; many running from themselves. My question is, "What do you think you will lose if you take a moment or two to do any of the above?" 

Slow down!! Honor and nurture yourself and your loving spirit. Within, we all long to connect with life, with the divine, and with others. We also have a deep desire to connect with our Self. When we truly see and understand the divinity of our life, we are empowered to stop and take a few breaths, go within, check in with our bodies, sit still, and just be for a moment. 

Because we are in a world that is moving beyond fast and we are bombarded with news of chaos, war, anger and hate, we need to step aside and connect with the other part of our world which is love, kindness, softness and compassion. This is the energy that is flooding the earth and I am convinced that the more humans slow down and spend time with Self and others, the more the love and kindness will flow. Light is overtaking darkness. 

Last year, I took a twelve week class on "Resting Your Nervous System." It was an eye-opener and a game changer in my life. I was introduced to the tenderness and sensitivity of the nervous system. To my shock, I began to see how misunderstood and mistreated my nervous system had been. Lacking an awareness of the tenderness of the system, I overworked, overwhelmed and even abused my nervous system and then wondered why I was anxious, depressed and panicky. 

I could not even begin to tell you the times in my life when I was tired or overwhelmed or in need of quiet, and I kept going. I continued to drive myself because it was my responsibility, or my job, or I needed the money, or it was expected of me. Often it was because I just did not yet understand how precious my life was and that I deserved the best. 

I was a master at filling the spare moments with activity. Sometimes the activity was social media or TV, or a new project. There is nothing wrong with any of these activities, there is nothing wrong with being busy and accomplishing goals. The problem comes in when we forget to pay attention to the inner yearnings of our soul. 

Because the nervous system is very tender we can easily overwhelm it. It is our nervous system that lets us know when we are safe. When we push it and demand it contain more than it is able to, we take away our sense of safety and we wind up outside our window of tolerance, in a place of overwhelm. This can create a state of anxiety, stress and tension. We sometimes don't even realize what we are doing to ourselves until a breakdown happens, which could be a panic attack, an anxiety attack, illness or we plunge into depression. Sadly, in need of relief we often revert to taking a pill, which is a temporary fix. 

What is the prescription for a fractured nervous system and how do we bring healing and rest to our nervous system?  How do we nurture this tender system of ours? We listen to it, we give ourselves quiet time, not to scroll through social media, but to BE with life. Take a few moments to smell, feel and listen. Give yourself space in between. Rest when tired. Pay attention to those things in life that activate you and get you going, and question whether you want to continue being activated, or, are you ready to form some new pathways for your life. Let's choose peace!!