YOU ARE.....

You are......Worthy, lovable, deserving of peace and awesome.

No matter what you do, what your job is, how much you own, how big or small your house is, how much or how little money you have, or what kind of car you drive. No matter what!! You are a worthwhile human who matters. How do I know this? Because we are all created by the creator in the image of the creator. We are all spirit beings in a human body, here on planet earth, having a human experience. We tend to forget our inherent self-worth when we get entangled in the lower reaches of our humanity and forget we are living, breathing souls walking around in a human body.

I lived for years out of a deep sense of unworthiness and shame. I knew all the things I had done and said, as a human, over the years. I said many unkind things to many people, I reacted often in anger and self-righteousness, I did things that were unbecoming and I reacted too many times in ugliness. I self-aggressed through giving others control of my body so I could have a few minutes of acceptance, through eating unhealthy foods and burning the candle at both ends. I put myself in harms way by acting stupidly with no thought of what the outcome might be.

I didn't do it all, but I did a lot. And I did it all with no realization that I was self-aggressing, and definitely no idea at all that underneath all the indignities and harm I put myself through, there was a worthwhile being living in my body. I did not know that I deserved to be nurtured, treated kindly and loved for who I was.

It was the early 1980's when I consciously realized something was missing. I had already left organized religion and was flirting with new age beliefs. I had completed the est training and was slowly waking up to life, spirituality and myself.  I was on a journey of self-realization and did not know it at the time. I longed for authenticity and somehow knew in order to be authentic, I would have to find out who I really was underneath all the crap I lived out of and believed to be true. I wanted to reach a higher level of consciousness because somehow I knew there was more to life than what I knew and believed. I put my foot on the path to uncovering myself, healing my childhood wounds and finding my self-worth.

I have been on this path for forty-three years and am still uncovering pieces of myself that were tucked away deep within my being.  I have learned first hand how we tuck away and deeply cover over the parts of us that others say, by word or deed, are unlovable and unacceptable parts. I am talking about those parts like: you are lazy, stupid, dumb, ugly, fat, skinny, a slut or a Romeo, too short or too tall, not like your brother, sister or cousin, or too much like your mom, dad or other family member, you can't do anything right, your nose is too big, you are mean, etc. I hope you get the drift. 

I want to be clear that words and deeds that affect our sense of self-worth are not always spoken in anger. Most parents do love their children and have no intention of harming their child. However, most parents also have a deep (usually unspoken and often unacknowledged) desire for the child to be a certain way. This is where the problem comes in. Unavailable, or unwilling to face their own pain, they live with unhealed childhood wounds and act out of their own wounding. It is just what we do, without meaning to destroy a child's self-worth, and cause the child to think something is flawed within. As children, we usually bend to the status quo because that is how we get the approval we need from our caretakers. 

And, so the cycle continues. Deeply wounded people with low self worth create more deeply wounded people with low self worth. I know so many who are trapped in their shame based life who either go within and are too afraid to use their voice, and they become silent.  Or they become hooked on control as a way of believing they are always right.  That way they can pretend they have good self worth. I leaned more towards the latter, but was silent a lot also for fear of saying something that would make someone not like me. It really is a vicious cycle, but thankfully its a cycle that can be broken. 

The best part of my healing journey,  and the most painful part, has been and still is, going within and identifying my core issues so I can bring them to light. This is called shadow work. This is where I am seeing my true self and giving myself permission to be who I am, forgiving myself and loving myself as I am, with all of my flaws. I am learning to allow myself to be perfectly imperfect.

I am now at a place where I can acknowledge anger, shame, anxiety, fear, brokenness, sadness or any of the "negative" emotions we humans usually do not want to be associated with. I am learning that whatever I feel is okay. It is just what I feel and to make some feelings good and some bad is part of the low self worth cycle. Because we may have been taught that something is wrong with us if we feel a certain way does not mean it is true. I have been taught many things in life by well meaning people that I have found out are not true. When we can give self permission to feel whatever we feel without making self wrong, we can be real. 

As I have said before, "The more I know, the more I know how much I don't know. But, what I do know, I know." And, this is something I know: underneath our angst, doubt, fear and worry lies a deep vein of love, peace and joy. It is there, often buried under the stories we tell ourselves about life. Be willing to mine for the gold, mine for the diamonds. What we all long for is already here,  stuffed under the buried, but still there, parts we consider unacceptable.

Know this:

You are.... a worthwhile human, a lovable soul, you deserve to be at peace within. You deserve to know and honor your worth. You are loved, loving and lovable.

YOU MATTER GREATLY!!

ABANDONMENT

 I know what abandonment looks like and feels like because I am one of the estimated 98% of people in the world who have experienced being abandoned. 

Over the years, I have learned that abandonment is far deeper than being physically left. Many believe that having two parents in the home precluded abandonment. However, that is not true. We can be raised by parents who are present for everything and still have abandonment issues. 

Children suffer abandonment and develop abandonment issues when they are not seen or heard for who they are, not respected or honored, called names, made to feel stupid or insufficient, shamed for one reason or another, not loved for who they are, have their thoughts and ideas trivialized, treated like they are in the way, and/or told they are a pain in the ass and they are driving the caretaker crazy. Anything that makes a child feel they are not enough or something is wrong with them, creates the pain of abandonment. 

Due to being physically abandoned by my daddy, and being raised by adults who were loving, but emotionally unavailable, I grew up with huge abandonment issues. My family loved me and they meant well, but in their inability to see me for who I was, they failed to understand my pain and loneliness. Most parents have an idea of who and what their child is supposed to be, and when the child cannot conform to that ideal, the child is usually made wrong. In the process of making the child wrong for being their own unique self, the pain of not being accepted usually transforms into the internal belief that something must be wrong with the child. This is what happened to me. I developed the internal belief that I was flawed, something had to be wrong with me since I could not be more like my brother, since my daddy left me and since I could not seem to measure up to what I was "supposed" to be. 

Doing what only a child could do, thinking my mother, grandmother and grandfather had to be right since they were the adults and the parents, I developed the belief that something was wrong with me. I spent umpteen years living out that story. After many therapy sessions and years of working on healing my inner child, I came to a place where I was able to step out of the story.

Unfortunately, our story about who we are informs our life. It is like we are being led around with a ring in our nose and we can't pull away from it for fear of having our nose ripped open. That is how huge an impact our story about self has on our life.

As I began to peel the layers away and become acquainted with my abandonment issues, my life began to change in both small and large ways.  My story about who I was began to change as I realized I was not flawed and I was not lazy, nor was I a pain in the ass. Instead, I became aware of how loving and kind I was. I learned that who I am is who I am supposed to be. I gradually saw my good traits and I began to accept myself exactly as I was and where I was. As these changes were happening on the inside, I was changing on the outside. Where I used to be afraid to say "no" or to be confrontational, I found it became easier to say "no" and to stand up for myself. I no longer felt the need to deny being who I am in order to be accepted or pleasing to others. 

A big part of having abandonment issues is the issue of self-abandonment. The abandonment of self is an insidious disease that eats away at the core of life. It hides itself well until we are ready to see it for what it is. 

Self-abandonment manifests itself in personal attacks on self, in what I call mind games, such as: an overactive mind with no shutoff valve, constant worry, driving self crazy trying to figure things out, listening to the criticizing parent in our head, self-doubt, calling self names like stupid, failure etc. not forgiving self for mistakes and driving self to do everything better, to be better, to be perfect.

We also practice self-abandonment through inattention to our body and its needs, such as: eating a lot of unhealthy food, not resting when tired, carrying unnecessary stress and shallow breathing.

Self-abandonment manifests in our need to focus more on the outer instead of the inner, such as: trying to look better on the outside thinking that is how to get approval, constantly buying more stuff, being five sensory instead of multi-sensory.

When we are ready to face our abandonment issues and see ourselves for who we truly are we begin the process of  remembering how magnificent we were, how we believed we could do anything, we could sing off key at the top of our voice and we could dance without rhythm in front of a crowd. It feels so good to remember how beautiful we were and how present to life we were before we were shamed for not being enough or for not being who "they" thought we should be. 

Coming home is the journey to that which was left behind when the abandonment issues began. It is a reclaiming of our authentic self, that one we came here to be. All it takes to make the journey is a willing, courageous heart and the desire to reconnect to our magnificent self. 

A CALL TO WOMEN

 This is a repost of some of a blog I wrote in 2011, right around Mardi Gras time in New Orleans. Since yesterday was Mardi Gras, I felt it time to pull this article out of the archives, rewrite it and post it again.

A CALL TO WOMEN

I was watching a clip of Mardi Gras festivities and remembered all the Mardi Gras parades I have attended. Something that happens often at the parades is: the men on the float will holler at the girls who are screaming "throw me something mister", "Show me your tits." If the girls comply, they might get thrown a nicer pair of Mardi gras beads. 

It has always been shocking to me how many girls will lift their shirt and show their breasts so they can be thrown a pair of cheap Mardi Gras beads. I have often wanted to throw a blanket over these girls and give them a dollar so they can go buy a pair of Mardi Gras beads.

I am very aware of how many women think it is necessary to entertain men with their bodies.  Not just women, but young girls who are being misled to act and dress sexy so they can be approved by the boys. I feel sick in my gut when I ask a young preteen to pose for a picture and she purses her lips and strikes a sexy pose. When are women going to quit dressing and behaving like sex objects, like we are a piece of meat on display, so the one with the biggest, firmest breast and nicest butt will be the ones who get picked.  Is it because women are taught from a young age that we are here to pleasure men? Perhaps there is something wrong with a society that has so much disrespect for women, including women disrespecting other women.

When I hear talk about how far women have come,  I wonder what planet these people live on. I understand the rumor is that we have come a long way baby. We have brilliant women in politics, in the military, the aerospace industry and the medical industry. In fact, we have brilliant women in most industries, and I am thrilled with this. But, is that all we are interested in as women? I certainly am not downplaying the right and the awesomeness of women having jobs in what for many years has been considered a man's world. However, I say we need to take the next and highest step, which is having and receiving respect that comes from knowing we belong to ourselves, and not to men. 

With my eyes wide open I watch how women go about in the world. It is still basically a man's world because the patriarchal system is alive and well. In fact, the number of women who still dress, behave and talk like they are a sex object and they belong to men, is staggering. Something is off when we live in a world where women, from teenagers up, are obsessed with breast augmentation, blowing up their lips, dressing as skimpy as possible, and giving themselves away for a wink, a smile, a date, a pair of beads or approval.

Women are not here to be exploited. We are beautiful, brilliant, nurturing and strong and it is powerful to realize we belong to ourselves and the sisterhood, not to men,. We deserve respect, and when we quit dressing and behaving like life does not matter unless we get a second look from a man, we may start to be treated like the goddesses we are.

Before you start writing me hate letters, let me tell you that I love  the brotherhood of men. I have an awesome husband who respects me and my right to personhood, autonomy and control over my body. When we discuss this topic, he reminds me that many, many men are chauvinists who do believe they own women. He and I agree that we are all playing the roles we were taught to play as little girls and little boys. If our roles had been defined differently, we would be acting different. So, I do not hate men. What I despise is the patriarchal system that wants to put women down, own us, use us for their pleasure, deny us our rights and freedoms and put our health care at risk. 

There have been pockets of women at different times in our culture, who have fought for the rights of women to be treated as equals. We have made strides in the business world, but personally I want more than to be able to wear pants, smoke a cigar, play football on a man's team, be the president ,or own a large corporation. These are tokens. Being seen as equal means being treated with respect for my personhood, not being treated as the weaker sex who needs to be conquered and who has no right to a credit card or a checkbook. 

Listen up ladies!! We carry babies in our womb and we birth them, we nurse them and raise them, we are the managers  of our homes. and I have no doubt if women ruled the world we would be a much more peaceful world.  We can bring home the bacon, fry it in a pan and serve it to ourselves and our families. Do not allow yourself to be treated as a sex object or a second class citizen  We are not meant to be defined by men. We have value and worth no matter how old we are, what we look like or who we choose to be in relationship with. 

Women have had to fight for their rights. We fought for the right to vote, to control our bodies, to have a credit card and a bank account, to own property, to get the same education as men and to speak in churches. These rights have all been handed to men, (if they are white men). Stand up in your power ladies and be seen and heard, not as a sex object but as the strong woman you are. And, while you are standing up for yourself, stand up for the entire sisterhood please.

YOU MATTER MY SISTERS!!