EMBRACING NOTHING

 I keep feeling compelled to write, but when I sit at my laptop it seems I have nothing to say. So, I ask myself, "What do I write about when all I feel is nothing?" The answer is, "Write about nothing." 

Here's what I know about nothing. I am okay with nothing, or no thing. I am okay with emptiness, quiet, silence, inactivity and a quiet brain.  When I was first introduced to this stage of life, I wondered what I would do, how I would manage, what life would be like for me. 

I was introduced to nothingness in 2016. My book had just been published and I was busy on social media promoting it and myself. I was blogging weekly and thinking my book would catapult me back into the world of writing and leading seminars, facilitating women's circles and offers to get back into public speaking. None of that happened. Instead, the opposite happened.  I stepped into nothingness.

This was hard for me, because I was raised to believe that idleness was the devil's workshop. To that, I say pshaw!!  To me, being idle is a great way to rest my body and mind. I also thought for a long time that I needed to always be doing something, because if I didn't, I did not have the right to be here. It's like I needed to earn my right to life. In my mind, not doing anything did not contribute to my right to life. It was important to me that I identify as a contributing member of society.

But here's the thing: Staying busy for the wrong reasons is not always good. Especially if we are staying busy to avoid doing nothing. 

I understand that "nothing" can be scary as hell. It can feel like we are missing out on something. It can also be scary because nothingness is usually accompanied by quiet, and if we are running from ourselves, quiet is usually not welcome. 

One thing I learned from embracing nothing, is that nothing, instead of being empty, is actually full of potential. When we elevate ourselves to a place of nothingness, we can find our authentic self, our true being. As long as we are busy doing what is expected and being who we think we are supposed to be, trapped in whatever we identify ourselves to be, we run the risk of missing the essence of who we really are. We also miss the possibility of being all of who we came here to be. 

I notice how many struggle to be full. I did it for years, and often, still do it. I sometimes fight being still. Perhaps the next car, house, job, gadget, device, piece of clothing, pill or slice of entertainment, will fill us and give us that happy feeling. And perhaps it does fill us for a time. But, before we know it, we are waiting for the next "something" to come along.  In the meantime, while we are pursuing stuff to get our emptiness filled, the emptiness is sitting there waiting for us to pay attention to it and embrace it. 

Some important truths I learned in allowing myself to be engaged in nothing are:

• I now know for a certainty, that the more I know, the more I know how much I don't know,
• I also know that emptiness is not really empty because it is full of emptiness.
• I have become more conscious of how unconscious I can be
• Even when I am just sitting on the deck looking at the trees ,and doing nothing else, I am fulfilling my purpose.

It is hard to explain the wonder of letting self go into nothingness and emptiness. It is there, that we are able to clearly see the hole that needs to be filled, and to understand that in nothingness we are able to fill that void. This is where we find the something we are missing. Allow yourself to sink into the abyss of quiet. 

 

"Nothingness is an absolute infinite potential, not an empty box." ~ Adyashanti 

EXPECTATIONS

At a very early age, I learned the heartache and ensuing disappointment of expectations. I learned not to trust, and to expect to be disappointed.

I still have an issue with expectations and notice how often I expect to be let down, left, or left out. I used to struggle with this, but since I am aware of what is happening, I am learning to let it in, look it square in the face and acknowledge what is going on. Being able to identify what I am feeling, while feeling it, helps me to see the basic belief I carry about life, which is, I do not matter.

In my logical mind, I know that I do matter. I am here for a purpose, and who I am and how I fulfill my purpose definitely matters. But, underneath that knowing, there is still a childhood belief that has not yet been completely healed.

I was disappointed by so many people in my life. I did not have the tools to help me to know, that the disappointment I suffered was not about me, it was about the people in my life who continued to let me down. I also did not know at the time, that if there had been someone in my life to nurture me and help me to understand that I mattered, and that what was happening was not about my being unimportant or less than, I probably would have developed a different mindset about who I was.

One of the worst and most devastating experience of my young life was centered around my daddy. After he left us, when I was around three, I did not see much of him. Every once in a while he came around, but in my mind it was never often enough,. 

I was a little girl who loved her daddy and who longed to have him in my life. It was very important to me to see him so when he called to tell me he was coming, I would get very excited. 

He would usually call on a Friday to tell me he would pick me up on Saturday morning.  I would get up early because I was excited. If he said he would pick me up at 10:00 I would be at the front window looking for him by 9:30.  What usually happened was, when 10:30 came and he still hadn't shown up, I would move to the front porch. By 11:00 I would be out in the front yard watching every car that went by, hoping the next one would be his. Finally, by 12:00 I knew he was not coming.

Unfortunately, this happened often. Yet, each time he called and set a date and time, I would still expect him to show. No matter how many times he disappointed me, I still hoped and expected him to come see me. This went on for years, until I got old enough to understand not to trust what he said. I also grew to believe that if I mattered, he would show up.

During this period of my life, every time this happened, I would wind up going inside and crying. My heart was broken and my self-worth shattered once again. My grandmother, who was well-meaning, but also not well-informed, always reminded me that my daddy did not love me and I needed to stop crying.

Those were difficult times for me and I can still remember how that little girl felt, being let down once again.  Time passed and I grew up, but I still carried the expectation of being disappointed. In relationships, even with girlfriends, I was always waiting to be cast aside and left alone. If I planned to teach a class, and sent out flyers and had a lot of "yes" rsvp's, I usually expected no one to show up. I expected to be left, I expected to be the pariah. 

It took years and a lot of inside work on my healing journey to be able to recognize this pattern that kept showing up in my life. Finally, after recognizing it many times I was able to come to terms with it and to go ahead and open the wound so healing could occur.

I still have an issue with expecting disappointment but I am happy to say, with extreme gratitude, the wound is being healed. 

There is nothing wrong with having expectations, as long as we are not attached to the outcome, and as long as we are aware that shit happens and life does not always turn out the way we expect. 

I have learned that circumstances will always present themselves in my life, and whatever the circumstance, who I am is okay and that I matter. Loving and caring for myself has helped me to turn the corner on this.   I MATTER !! YOU MATTER!!!

YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER

I think we probably all know the old adage, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."  We not only all know the saying, but we more than likely have experienced what it feels like to be standing at the edge of the water, willing the horse to drink, asking the horse to drink, and it simply is not interested in water at that moment in time. It can be very frustrating to be in either position.

If the horse is not thirsty and it is being cajoled and maybe even pushed into the water, it can stand its ground and simply refuse to drink. And the one who has led the horse to the water, because he/she believes the horse needs to drink, can only stand there and eventually give up. 

In every day life, we may often take people by the hand and bring them to the water, because we have such a longing for them to drink what we believe is needed. Maybe, it is needed by the individual, but they may have no knowledge or desire for that water.

What do we do? Do we 1) not take them to the water, 2) force the water into their mouth and hold their nose until they swallow, 3) get angry with them because they refuse what we so willingly offer or 4) respect their decision to not drink?

The simple truth is we cannot make others partake of what we think is good for them or what they need. Basically, we really do not know what others need. We can guess, we can hypothesize, we can pontificate, but in the end, unless we can see into someone's inner being, we do not know what they need.

I wish I had a dollar for every time some well meaning person attempted to enlighten me as to what I needed. Sometimes I didn't even know what I needed. It is not easy to always know what we need, and when we do know, it is a blessing.

So, what do we do when we have those in our life who seem to be floundering?  How do we reach them and get them to drink the crystal clear water we have to offer them? Perhaps the answer is to not try to make them drink. Instead, to meet them where they are in love and kindness. I believe we can encourage others to get help, to make a change, to take a positive step forward by introducing them to the water, without making them feel wrong for not wanting a drink. 

It is tough because most of us want people to be who we think they should be. We want them to believe what we think they need to believe. Unfortunately, in our desire to change others, we run the risk of ruining the relationship. It is easier for all, if we can give up our need to change others and instead, let them walk their path.

Looking back on my life, I can see how much easier life would have been if I had listened to others and followed the path they wanted me to follow. However, being the rebel I was, I did not bend to others beliefs about what they thought I needed. I probably would have saved myself a lot of heartache and stress and strife, but you know what? The day came, and continues to come, when I saw the water and knew I needed to drink. My path in life eventually led me to my healing path and I put my foot on this path, not because someone told me I needed to, or force fed me clean water, but because I was ready to do this. 

I still believe the teacher appears when the student is ready, and if the teacher shows up early, the student may not learn the lesson in front of them. We each have a path in life, and we are each charged with finding and walking that path. 

For a long time I believed unless someone was on a soul healing journey, they had not found their path. However, I am coming to understand that since our paths differ, perhaps everyone is not here to walk a healing path, or perhaps I am wrong to assign meaning to what a healing path looks like. Because your path does not look like mine, does not necessarily mean you are not on a healing journey. 

I think it comes down to trusting the benevolent creator energy that is swirling around us and in us, to bring us to where we need to be. So, next time you bring a horse to water and it refuses to drink, let it be and love  it where it is. 

SOUL STIRRINGS

I have been thinking about the things in life that stir my soul.  When I say, stir my soul, I mean that which takes me away and carries me to higher and deeper places. When my soul is stirred, I usually am reduced to tears, and at that moment do not know why I am crying,. The tears not only flow, it's as if they come from a place way deep within my soul. This is what I call a soul stirring. It is a feeling of being speechless because of the magnificence of the moment. 

It seems music and nature are the things that really get to me and fill me with awe. Walking outside at night and looking up at a full moon or a sky full of stars, stirs me. Hearing birds sing, seeing an eagle flying across the sky, watching autumn leaves dance their way down to the ground, are all magical moments.  Witnessing the power of water in a waterfall, watching snow fall on a sunny day, spotting fairy activity in the woods and hearing an owl hoot are all miracles of nature. That I get to see and be a part of. all of these things often brings me to my knees in awe and gratitude.

I am also stirred by music. I have had many healing moments in my life with music. I will always remember the morning in Cincinnati, Ohio, at the downtown convention center. I owned my massaging insoles business then and was working a music education convention. 

I arrived at the convention center on a Thursday afternoon, unloaded my car and set up my booth. The convention started the next morning and I wanted to be ready. By time I left the convention center, got to my motel, unloaded my car, had dinner and finished preparing for the show the next day, I was very tired. 

I did not sleep well that night and had to get up early the next morning so I could be at the hall by 8:00. I seldom get headaches, but that Friday morning I had a bad headache. I also was irritated because I did not sleep well and really wanted to shut down my booth and go home.

As I sat in my booth enjoying some quiet time, waiting for the center to begin to fill up, I became aware of the most heavenly music playing. It was all violins and was coming from down the aisle where my booth was located. I got out of my chair and walked to the aisle and down near the end was a group of four students playing Canon in D by Pachelbel.  Now, this is one of my all time favorites, especially with violins, and it was being played to perfection right down the aisle. I walked down to where the students were and stood there with tears running down my face. 

I felt like I was transposed to another place. My being was filled with peace and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of Canon in D. I thanked the students and their teacher and told them they had made my day. My headache went away and the rest of my day was awesome.

Two other pieces of music that transport me to another realm, and leaves me in a puddle of tears, is Hallelujah and Ave Maria as sung by Andrea Bocelli. His voice goes all through me and stirs my soul.

I love soul stirring moments because, for some reason, I am left with a feeling of touching something divine and feeling a cleansing take place deep in my soul. Often, while sobbing for reasons unknown, I give myself over to the moment and realize I do not have to know what is being stirred inside. All I need to do is let it be and let it in. I believe those moments help to bring us to our core, that place within where we can touch our higher self. 

I would love to hear from my readers about what stirs your soul. Please leave me a message in the comment section, or respond on facebook, by email or in a private message. What stirs that soft spot within you?  

Balancing the Feminine and Masculine

I write a lot, and talk a lot, about feminine energy. Being a woman, I am invested in understanding what feminine energy is about, and the importance of embracing that energy in myself.  The more I open to the beauty and the power of the feminine, the louder the message becomes within. l feel compelled to write about it, talk about it and live it. I want everyone to understand that the power of feminine energy is embodied in a human's ability to nurture and care for others. I also want everyone to understand that the power of feminine energy embodies all of humanity, not just females. By the same token, masculine energy embodies all of humanity, not just males.   

Male and female have both a masculine and a feminine side. It is called yin and yang, with yin being feminine and yang being masculine.  Because we are all a combination of both masculine and feminine energy, I believe we all have the nurturing gene. I have had quite a few people, both male and female, tell me that men do not have a nurturing gene. I beg to differ. Both male and female have the ability to nurture, just as both male and female have the ability to fight and be aggressive and to be a conqueror. 

Due to societal and family norms, most men are raised to be strong, the conqueror, the one who does not cry and who does not talk about feelings. This does not mean men do not have the capacity for nurturing and softness; they just, for the most part, are not encouraged to develop that side of their being. Conversely, most women are raised to be nurturing, feeling, enveloping and holding. Basically, in most homes, boys and girls are unwittingly raised to be out of balance.  

Let's be clear that there are a lot of women whose masculine side is more developed than their feminine . It is not just men who have not developed both sides of their being.

It is my sense that women are progressing a little quicker than men in the process of balancing our masculine and feminine energies. Many women are learning how to be more assertive, occupy positions of power and be in charge of their finances, while remaining true to their inherent feminine nature of being nurturing.  We are finding out that we can financially support, or at least contribute to, the home and still be nurturing, caring mothers and grandmothers. We do not have to sacrifice one for the other.

Even when boys are raised to know it is okay to have feelings, and to talk about and express them, society still makes it difficult for them to find that balance. I believe women in our society can help in that process by raising their boys to be nurturing souls, by encouraging the men in our lives to talk about how they feel, and by giving them space to express whatever they are feeling. 

It is time to give up the unreasonable belief that men are supposed to be the strong ones, the conquerors, and that they are supposed to be the man of the house (whatever that might mean), without being nurturing and feeling. Men do have feelings; they do cry and hurt within. They do care.  Just because so many men have been raised to stuff their feelings does not mean they don't feel.

It is time for society to allow and support all humans in developing our masculine and feminine energies.  Why limit anyone to that closed in, small place where we are not free to be a whole, authentic being?  We all need to be in harmony with each other and with our yin and yang, and that is hard to do when we live in a society/world that promotes imbalance. 

We all contain a combination of both masculine and feminine energy, and my desire is to see an exponential rise in both male and female, opening up to being all of who we are here to be. 

THE MEANING OF LIFE

 John O'Donohue, speaking of the Celts says, "Nature was not matter, rather it was a luminous and numinous presence that had depth, possibility and beauty."

Being a fan of John O'Donohue's writings, I have read this quote a few times, but this morning it really jumped out at me. I found myself substituting the word life in place of the word nature, because I believe the thought is the same. 

Life has a luminous (full of or shedding light, especially in darkness) and numinous (having a strong spiritual quality, indicating the presence of the divine.) presence that has depth, possibility and beauty.

 My sense is that life, in and of itself, is meaningless, until WE give it meaning. It is up to us to discover the luminous and the numinous presence that is already there.

For some, life lacks meaning and they are, as of yet, unaware of its possibilities. They live day to day without an awareness of the beauty and majesty of the miracle of life. We each are presented with the challenge of assigning meaning to our individual lives and to life in general. We create the depth and heights in life by opening to possibility. 

Life is actually full of light and spirit, but until we recognize that, and live from that, it does not mean much to us. It can be ho-hum and void of joy. 

We can close life down and close it in, we can make it large and full of love and kindness or we can make it small, caged in by prejudice and bias. It is up to each of us to take what is possible and live fully. 

For me, the meaning of life is love and all of its ramifications. Because of this, I see the goodness and the divinity in humanity. In my eyes, we inherently are good and benevolent souls.

Because this is what life means to me, and I live each day from that premise, I notice how goodness, light and love keep showing up in my life. I know there is a whole lot of ugliness, violence and hate being spewed out, filling the airwaves and being dumped on the planet in a big way. But, I also notice how most people who cross my path are kind and speak words of benevolence and goodness. 

Have you consciously assigned meaning to your life?  Recently someone said to me that she was depressed and feeling like she was living day by day with no purpose, other than get up, go to work, come home, eat and go to bed and the next day do it all over again. Hearing these words, I could understand why she was depressed. It seemed, and sounded to me, that her life lacked meaning. After hearing her express her sorrow and sadness about life, I began to talk to her about meaning and purpose. She was surprised to hear that SHE could assign meaning to her life, explore possibilities and open a space to create depth and beauty that could fill her with joy and peace. Speaking with her reminded me how easy it is to live with limited vision and settle for blahness and suffering,

I know what it feels like to live without meaning in life. It is a sad, empty space to occupy. I have been there and I have lived with depression, sadness and hopelessness. What a happy day it was when I began to comprehend that it was up to me to find meaning and purpose. I saw that I had the power and the ability to create life as I longed for it to be. Doing this was not a one time job. In fact, quite the opposite, it has been a moment by moment, day by day, month by month and year by year experience of continually choosing to do the excavation necessary to uncover the diamonds hidden beneath the darkness. I found my joy hidden under the sorrow and sadness and my peace hidden behind the panic and anxiety. These meaningful gifts of joy and peace were there all along, but they were not within view. Once I committed to, and put my foot on the path of healing, the possibilities became evident. As I continued to tune into my inner being and opened my eyes and ears to hear what my soul had to say, I soon found my life filled with meaning and purpose. 

We are all here for a purpose and it is up to each of us to open to possibilities and find the meaning of life. .Inner peace and deep joy are there for all of us.  Look within. Your soul has the answer to what you long for. Your soul already knows.

I"M TIRED.

 I am tired.  In fact, I feel worn out. I have been dealing with a health issue for about six months now and it is taking its toll.

Sometime last summer, I began to have shortness of breath and extreme fatigue. Walking on an incline was too much and walking across a flat surface carrying something in my arms was beyond too much. I continually found myself having to stop and work to catch a deep breath. 

I went to my cardiologist who looked at all of my tests and records from the year before, when I had a pacemaker put in my chest.  He found nothing to suggest why I was short of breath, so he scheduled me for a nuclear stress test. This was done in November and nothing was found to be out of order there. 

Next, I went to my PCP who ordered blood work. She saw nothing in the test results to say why I was short of breath, so she referred me to a pulmonologist. Meanwhile, the shortness of breath was still ongoing, but some of the fatigue had abated. So, I was feeling better but I still could not exert myself in any matter without losing my breath.

I saw the pulmoologist in February and she ordered pulmonary function tests which were done this past Monday. She is still unsure about why I am having these issues, so in order to rule out certain diagnoses she has ordered a new echogram, a CT scan of my lungs and six weeks of using a nebulizer. I am going along with the program in an effort to regain my ability to have an active life without losing my breath. 

As I am dealing with this, last week my oldest daughter wound up in the ER in New Orleans. She had extreme fatigue, a headache, that on a scale of 1-10, was a 20, very high blood pressure, nausea, and fever. They admitted her to the hospital and did a spinal tap because they thought it might be meningitis or some type of infectious disease.  The tap proved them wrong so they are doing new tests, including MRI's of the brain. They are now looking at something autoimmune. 

She has been in the hospital for a week now, her condition was not improving, and she is sick. My daughter is so near and dear to my heart and the bond between us is strong, so I am not only worried about her health, I am also feeling such a heaviness in my heart knowing my child is suffering.  

So, here I am in Virginia sending emails to the patient advocate center, calling her hepatologist (who is not involved in this case) and talking to the floor nurse who is tending to her.  I have been on speaker phone with  the infectious disease specialist, who is on the case, in an attempt to get some answers, and talking and questioning anyone else in the medical field at that hospital who will listen to me, and no one has any answers. 

I am cried out and I am stressed out. After trying to control and handle the situation from almost a thousand miles away, while dealing with my own health issues, I decided yesterday to step back and let her husband and siblings pick up the ball and run with it. Besides, I don't know where to go next or who else to call and complain to. 

Thankfully, after deciding to give up the struggle, it seems the needle is now moving. I was on speaker phone this morning with her neurologist and finally, it seems they are beginning to get a feel for what has been wrong. It has been a process of elimination. Yesterday they changed her entire medication regimen and the new meds seem to be helping with the pain, high blood pressure and fever. There still is no definitive diagnosis, but her symptoms are improving.

I don't give up or give in easily because my m.o. is to be the one who gets things done. But, sometimes the time is right to surrender. This has been a difficult process with my daughter, and I really am grateful that life and spirit continue to remind me and teach me to trust and to surrender.

This is true for my own health issues also.  Because I am tired as hell, I know in my heart I need to be with the process and surrender to life. 

Thank you for listening to my story of what is going on in my life at this time. This too shall pass and meanwhile, life goes on. . 😍💓