HABITS

 

We all have habits. Some of our habits are good and some not so good. We are creatures of habit and experience has taught me that it is much easier to hang on to the familiar (habit), than to change what I am used to doing or thinking. 

Maxwell Maltz, the author of Psycho Cybernetics, says that the first step in changing a habit is repetition. He theorizes that it takes twenty-one times of doing something different for it to become a new habit. I wish I had a dollar for every time I have moved a chair in my house, and continue to go to the old location where the chair used to sit. The same could be said of moving anything to a different location. Because of habit, we all continue to look for things where they have always been. We train our brain to do the familiar. 

Stepping out of the familiar is not an easy task. Changing a habit can be something simple like brushing my teeth after every meal instead of twice a day. Or rearranging my pots and pans. As difficult as changing these types of habits can be, I do believe the harder habits to change are those that have a psychological benefit. Like having a cigarette when nervous, or taking a pill when anxious or upset, having a drink or smoking weed when tired and have a need to relax, or throwing something when angry. There are so many psychological habits we all have, that we have developed along the way as a means of coping with life's ups and downs.

Our habits become such a way of life for us, we often are not even aware of how habitual our behaviors, thoughts and attitudes are. We get stuck in the familiar. We know the familiar, we are used to it, it's the way we've always done it. 

I am not saying anyone needs to change anything in their life. I am simply pointing out that it may be wise and beneficial to sometimes stop and take a look at how we do life. 

An example of what I am talking about is this: I began to notice how easy it was for me to practice self-aggression. In case you are wondering, self-aggression is doing harm to one self either physically or emotionally. Physical self-aggression might be hurting yourself to get attention. Self mutilation is one form of physical self-aggression. I have known many young people who cut themselves as a means of alleviating mental suffering. Emotional self-aggression is deprecating one self, putting yourself down, inability to receive a compliment, the need to be perfect and to be seen as perfect by others.

When I was much younger I used to practice physical self-aggression. As I have aged, I have pretty much given up on this type of aggression. However, I notice how natural it is for me to aggress against myself emotionally. I have a critical parent who lives in my head and when I listen to it, I tend to put myself down, I am technically challenged, I lack the credential to be a good writer so I spend a lot of time second guessing myself , and/or I get angry with myself for not knowing how to do so many things that I would like to do. This is familiar behavior to me because I have done it for so many years. The up side is that I am aware of it and I am working on changing those habits. 

I have a lot of good habits also, such as my ability to listen to others with my ears and my heart. That is a habit that is familiar to me now, but it wasn't always so. For years, I was a seminar and workshop leader, a teacher and a public speaker, so I always thought I had so much to say. As a result,  I developed the habit of running a monologue in duet. What that means is while someone is talking to you, instead of listening, you are in your head forming your answers, or your rebuttal, to what they are saying. I believe I thought it was extremely important that I get to say what I needed and wanted to say. Maybe that's because at that time in my life, I thought I knew a lot. I have learned over the years, as I have been emptied out, that I don't know a heck of a lot more than I do know. Having that ah-ha moment is what led me to change my habit of not listening.  

Life is good and works in our favor, which means when we pay attention to our behaviors, thoughts and attitudes, and spot habits that are detrimental to us and to others, we can change them. Life does work with us when we commit to change. 

Thankfully, nothing has to be forever. Not even a habit!!

WAKING UP

Spring is almost here and I feel like I am awakening from a deep and dark slumber.

Nature is waking up and I feel I am too. It's like I feel the sap running through my branches again, and buds beginning to pop up and out. I actually am starting to feel like I can breathe again. 

One of the buds opening within me, is a renewed interest in life. I am noticing the sky again and watching the trees come to life.  I do believe our bodies emulate the cycle of a tree!! Most trees (except for evergreens) are dormant and naked in winter, and even appear to be dead, when in reality they are only at rest and in a very quiet place. Is this where I have been? In a dormant state of sleep and rest? I have believed for years that our bodies needs to follow the path of nature, but somehow in my illness, I forgot that simple truth. My spirit is reminding me that I have been in a winter's state of being, and eventually winter passes away and spring returns. 

The second bud opening within is a feeling of hope. Even with the horrific wars going on all over the planet, with thousands of innocent souls being slaughtered, I still feel hope for mankind and for myself.

I even have hope, while in the middle of watching the great political divide, and the effort to destroy democracy playing out across our country. I feel sad over the news of it all, and cry a lot for the suffering of humanity, but know what I am called to do, is to stand in light and love.  And, I still have hope.

I realize the reason I still have hope is because in spite of the ugliness and hatred, I continuously encounter kindness and civility. No matter where I go, I ALWAYS encounter kindness. It seems the people I run into in the grocery store, doctors office, Lowes, restaurants, and wherever else I may wind up, are  all considerate and kind. This gives me hope that though ugliness and evil  are rearing its head, kindness and consideration are still alive and well in the soul of many. I do not remember a time in my life when I have heard so many meaningful , "I'm sorry", "may I help you reach that?", "you go first" and other words of human kindness. This gives me great hope.

The third bud blossoming within is joy, just for being alive, and having the ability to see, hear and smell the dawning of spring. When I step outside and walk around my yard, I see life popping up all over. My lilac bush is full of buds, my tulips are pushing through the dirt, my mums are greening at the base and my butterfly bushes are preparing to blossom.  Watching nature wake up and fill the earth with its many colors and smells, gives me great joy.

I feel like I am waking up from a long slumber, where I have been void of hope and joy, where shortness of breath. exhaustion and brain fog, and physical pain have been my constant companions.  While in this place I have had much doubt that I would ever feel better again, or that I would live to see the end of 2024.  My good days are getting a little better and my not so good days are not quite as bad as they have been, and for that I am very grateful.  

Today I feel alive, I have hope for myself, my country, humanity and the planet. The sap is running through my veins, and I am so delighted to be able to say with great meaning-Happy awakening and happy spring to all!! 

OUR STORIES

 

This is a continuation of my blog from last week, "Missing for a While and Yet I Rise."

 As I was coming out of the dark place I had been in, I noticed my longing for clarity. I wanted some insight into what was going on in my life. I knew I was in a place that was pregnant with healing possibilities; I just did not know how to see, hear or receive what was there for the taking. The darkness was so thick it was hard to see the light.

 One of the physical ailments I had been enduring for quite some time, was having a very stiff, painful neck.  As it began to dawn on me how much I was suffering with my neck, I had an ah-ha moment.  I realized I was being stiff necked about something. I was resisting seeing or knowing something that was in front of me.  What was it?

Finally, the answers started to come. As my sister friends began to ask me, "why didn't you tell me what was going on with you?", I began to see something. What I saw was, when I am in deep emotional and/or physical pain, I have a problem with reaching out to others.  However, if you reach in to me, I will and can respond. So, while I was sitting in pain and darkness and not reaching out to others, I was living in the story of, "nobody cares", "I don't matter" and "I am not important."

This story stems from childhood where I learned to take my emotional pain to my bedroom and cry into my pillow. Or, I learned to stifle it and hold back the tears in fear of being told, "if you don't stop that crying I will give you something to cry about."

When I was a child and I was in pain, I really believed no one cared. I do not remember being held or nurtured when I was suffering. Of course, when I fell off my bike and injured myself, my wounds were taken care of, but my soul wounds were ignored. No one in my family knew what to do for a child who was suffering deep emotional wounding. So, I knew better than to reach out to anyone because that was not allowed. Besides, I did not know how to put words to the sorrow and grief I carried over having my daddy ripped out of my life, and then being told he did not care about me.

I have learned over the years, since I put my foot on this soul healing journey, that our stories rule and inform our lives. As we grow in age, and maybe maturity, we do not just drop our stories. These stories are embedded in our brain, cells, muscles, bones and entire being. We live our stories. 

Our stories are formed according to how we perceive our experiences.  If we are ignored, our story might be that we do not matter, or no one cares. If we are abused physically, mentally or sexually, our story might be that we have no value or worth. If we are not as important as a brother or sister, our story might be that we are less than, or we can't measure up.  If we are constantly being made to feel no matter what we do it is never right, or never quite good enough, our story might be that we have to do more or be more. The stories we tell ourselves as a child in order to survive and somehow make sense of our experience becomes a way of life for us.

Unless, and until, we pay attention to our life, we may never become aware of which story is running our life. In that case, the same old story continues to play in a loop in the background and our life continues to be informed by it.

We are never too old, and it is never too late, to pay attention to that subconscious message that is running our life. That message that makes us think there is never enough, we have to be in control, we can't ask for what we need, we can't stop and take a breath and we have to earn the right to be here. 

I am very grateful to have been given the insight as to what is going on in my life that has been keeping me stuck in a hard, dark place. I was asking Spirit for an answer, some clarity for healing. One night, towards the middle of February, I woke up startled. I had been in the middle of an important dream and I needed to remember it. 

I got out of bed, came to the kitchen table, opened my journal and began to write about my dream.  Towards the end of writing, I had a flash of insight and immediately saw what Spirit was wanting me to see. 

In my dream there was a little girl who kept following me. I was somewhere out west. I knew she wanted something from me but I kept pushing her away. No matter where I went, she showed up. I was irritated with her cause she would not leave me alone.

My flash of insight showed me that this little girl represented me. She was clamoring for attention. She wanted to be seen and heard. Her need for attention upset me and made me uncomfortable. I wanted her to go away. 

As I sat with this, knowing this was me, I saw that she was showing me that unhealed part of myself that needed to know I mattered, needed to know it was okay to cry and let my pain be known to those around me, even if others cannot acknowledge my sadness and pain. I saw how beautiful, tender and precious I was and how much I mattered. 

Sobbing, I figuratively took that little girl in my arms and told her I was here for her; I saw her and heard her need to know she was important. I also let her know she deserved to be loved, nurtured and cared for, that softness and vulnerability was okay and that I would not abandon her.

Since going through this enlightening process, I feel better in my body and my soul. I know that as I continuously change the tape that is my story, I will continue to heal body, soul and spirit. Healing is happening!!!