Friday, August 30, 2024

JUST BE AND JUST BREATHE



I remember, after having open heart surgery in 2010, I heard a voice within saying, "the only thing required of you is to be and to breathe." Here is the story of how that came to be. 

I did not have a heart attack, in fact I did not even know I had any heart issues. I walked every day and was very active. I was sixty-eight and I felt great.

In 2010, I began to notice a tightness in my throat when I was walking. I went to my PCP thinking maybe I was having indigestion,. She gave me Prilosec to try, and since I was getting ready to fly to New Orleans for a two-week visit with my mother and family, she scheduled a stress test for me when I returned.

Two weeks later I had the stress test and had to be removed from the treadmill due to shortness of breath. They finished the tests chemically and I then had to sit and wait for a cardiologist to come talk to me.

He came in the room, introduced himself, and had a seat across from me. He said, "Ms. Marroy. You have blockage in your heart and we need to schedule you for a heart cath to see where the blockage is." You could have knocked me over with a feather. I remember saying back to him, "Are you talking to me?  I am healthy and active so this cannot be me." After assuring me it was me, he asked if there was heart disease in my family. I told him my mother had triple bypass, my uncle died from heart disease and my grandpa had angina. I also had high cholesterol at the time, but I mistakenly thought I was going to bypass the heart issues that ran in my family. I seriously had no clue that anything was wrong with my heart. 

I had the heart cath done in a couple of days and found out that because the blockage was in the bifurcation they would have to do a single bypass. The following week I was in the hospital having my chest sawed open.

I went through surgery fine and two days later they gave me a pill called Metoprolol, which caused my heart to stop for nine seconds. I was taken back to the CCC and kept there for twenty-four hours. When my heart regulated itself they took me back to my room and I was supposed to be discharged within two days.

The morning of my discharge, I went to stand up and down I went. My blood pressure had dropped and I hit the floor. They decided to keep me in the hospital longer.

By this time I was falling into a depression, Thankfully, my hospital room had a large window which faced Mill Mountain. For the next two days, as they continued to monitor me, I sat in a recliner by the window. The nurses has turned the chair for me so it faced the beautiful greener than green mountain.

I would sit in that chair and cry because I did not know where to go in life from where I was. Would there be restrictions on my life because of my heart? Would I have to change my way of life? I cried and I talked to Spirit, and I cried more and talked to Spirit more.

One day, in the midst of my depression and feeling of great loss, Spirit spoke back to me and I heard these words, "The only thing required of you, is for you to just be and just breathe." I knew there was nothing else to do at this point but to listen to what I heard. I felt a lightness within, and hope began to take hold of me as I let the enormity of what was being said to me sink in. 

I realized I was not being required to do anything-only be and breathe. This was the beginning of my understanding of the extreme difference between doing and being. I also came to realize we do not have to earn a living, we only have to breathe in order to be alive. There is nothing to do, nothing to earn. Just be and breathe.

Over the years, as I have consciously continued to practice being and breathing, I have come to appreciate more and more, the beauty of knowing that busyness does not get me to the peaceful, quiet place I long to be-only being and breathing can do that.

I no longer have to work for my sense of well-being. I don't have to strive for my inner peace, I only have to be and breathe.

I sometimes forget and catch myself thinking I need to do something, or run to and fro, or do things in a certain way so I will be seen as okay or so I can feel good about myself. Then I come to my senses and remember, all that is required of me is to be and to breathe.

It took depression, a sense of loss, and open heart surgery to change my life and bring me to a place of quiet within. I am very grateful for life, and for the breath of life that keeps me alive!! 






Thursday, August 15, 2024

TOXIC THOUGHTS AND PEOPLE

 Toxic: Very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way. 

When something is insidious it is dangerous in ways that are not always evident. We can have thoughts and ideas that rule our life and not even be aware that we are being ruled by something negative.

An example would be: I used to have the thought/idea that someone who lived a spiritual life, lived a certain way. I thought that kind of life would be on an even keel, no ups and downs, no thorns in the roses, manifesting what you want by thinking it into existence, always being happy, always positive and above the fray. It took me a while to realize this was a pipe dream, bullshit, and something people made up and fed to others as truth. 

When I lived from this thought, I believed I had gone astray, or made a wrong turn, if and when I was in a low place. I have many times, even recently, felt like I was a rudderless ship on the sea of life with a failed purpose, a forgotten cause and I was somehow left behind. In other words, believing that a spiritual life was all mountain top experiences, set me up for anxiety, harsh self-judgment and sadness.

I have come to realize how toxic my thoughts can be. The reason they are so toxic is because I believed they were true. That is the insidiousness of our thoughts. Most of us believe our thoughts are true. We actually take them to be absolute in many cases and lead our lives, make our decisions and behave according to what we think is true. This can be dangerous and can keep us stuck in low places.

How do you identify your toxic thoughts? You pay attention to your life and you question your thoughts. Because you thought something was one way all of your life, does not mean you cannot question it, if and when you realize it does not work for your highest and best. Because mom, dad or grandma said it was so, does not make it absolute. 

When we lived in Kentucky, I had a friend who only wore basic colors. I, on the other hand, wore a lot of bright red and purple. Finally, one day she told me she had been taught by her mother, that only women of the night wore red, so she thought it was wrong to wear red. I was shocked! My response to her was, "Isn't it wonderful that you are an adult, and you can make your own decisions and form new thoughts about what you can wear? If you like red, I support you in wearing red." She still would not wear red, because she was too afraid it would upset her mother and people would wrongly judge her. This is what I mean when I say our thoughts can be toxic because they are insidious.  She had no idea her thought was not an absolute truth, so she was held captive to that thought for most of her life. 

When I began to question my thoughts I began to see a life lived in spirit differently. I learned about reaching for the heavens while keeping my feet on the ground. I remembered I am a human being, subject to the laws of life and the universe. I learned, and am learning on a daily basis, to embrace whatever is in front of me. I have also learned I can love something without liking it. I can love the divinity in people without liking how they do life. I can accept people for where they are without having to hang out with them. I can find joy in washing my dishes, sitting in silence and embracing the emptiness, without making it wrong. I am learning to be content on a daily basis. And when stuff happens to knock me off keel, I am learning to look at it, do what I need to do in the middle of it and then go on and let it be.

Changing thoughts from toxic to life-affirming is not always easy. But, it is definitely do-able. 

I do believe life is meant to be joyful and peaceful. I also believe it is highly possible to be filled with joy and peace, even when we are in the lions den. When it feels like life is going against us, people are not happy with us and are calling us names, the roof is leaking and the AC is not working, we are cash strapped or we are physically ill, we each have the ability to change our thoughts about it all and find our joy and peace in the fray. It is a matter of changing our thoughts about it and thereby adjusting our vision.    


On the topic of toxicity, I need to address the fact that often, toxic people cross our path and sometimes even become a part of our lives. It has taken a while for me to learn that I do not have to entertain, or hang out with toxic people. Like toxic thoughts, they can be pervasive and insidious and can cut you in two, while smiling and pretending all is well. Sometimes, toxic people can suck the life out of us. I don't know that they mean to do what they do, or behave the way they do, but whether it is planned or not, we have options. One option we have is to understand how life-affirming it is to realize neither I, nor you, need to present ourselves to anyone who tends to be denigrating to who we are. 

It is okay to walk away from toxic relationships in any form, whether it be thoughts, ideas, relationships, situations, or people. It is okay to care enough about yourself to walk away from negativity, and to change your thoughts to be more life-affirming.   


You matter. We all matter, and it is up to each of us to weed out the toxicity in our lives. 




Tuesday, August 13, 2024

THE POT DRIPS WHAT IS IN IT



 "The pot leaks what is in it" is an excerpt from one of the poems by Rumi, who happens to be one of my favorite poets. Every time I read these words, something happens in my soul. It's like someone reaches inside and touches me softly and gently and I respond by softening and listening.  What these particular words mean to me is: we manifest what is inherently ours. 

When we are filled with love, we leak love. When we are filled with kindness and tenderness, we leak these virtues.  It comes through our pores. When filled with anger and rage, we leak these feelings onto the world and its inhabitants.

Since we leak whatever we are filled with, it makes sense to me that a desire to be an authentic being is a rational and exceptional desire.  Authenticity does not pretend to love, it is knowing we are love. When we are filled with kindness, we do not have to think about doing acts of kindness, we automatically manifest kindness to all. It is part of the authentic soul.

When we "are filled with something", we can walk into a room and we drip that something without saying a word or doing anything. I know people who actually ooze kindness. When around them I can feel it dripping from their pores. Whether they speak or not I get the benefit of their kindness. I have a granddaughter and a great-granddaughter who both ooze sweetness and kindness.. I tell them often that it oozes out of their pores. When in the presence of Ali and Ceda, I literally feel their sweetness and kindness.. 

MY GRANDDAUGHTER, SWEET ALI

Contrast that with one who harbors anger and rage. What they drip is cruelty, harsh judgment of others, acts of violence and chaos. I have often walked into a room and felt the tension and anger coursing through the air like an electrical current. That is anger dripping from the pot. Others can feel it. It can be sensed, and it becomes part of the energy that surrounds us. 

We are who we are and we are all love beings. We may not feel that way and our pot may not drip love, because the love that we are may be hidden in the darker regions of our souls. It has not yet made it to the surface where it oozes out of us.  Unhealed childhood wounds and unexpressed feelings and thoughts can create a cloud that covers our love for self and for others. Anger and rage that has been stuffed and turned inward will often sit on top of our love and kindness. It's not that we don't feel loving and kind, it's just that the love sits under the undealt with anger.

However, whether love and kindness is clouded, or hidden beneath the undealt with stuff, we are still beings of love.  Imagine a world filled with people who have realized the fullness of their love and kindness. It oozes out of them and touches all that are near.

Be willing to look within and allow the excavation process to begin. Clear out that which is unlike love so you can drip the essence of who you are, an authentic being of love and light.

You are love! You are light! 


                                                MY SWEET GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER, CEDA