CLINGING

 To cling to something, or somebody, is to adhere or hold fast. 

I am thinking about clinging and how it can sap our life and keep us small and stuck. I understand clinging. There was a time when I clung fast to many things and people in my life, because it, or they, felt safe;  they felt familiar.  No one wants to give up the familiar for the unknown. 

Clinging may keep us at the bottom of the stream, holding on to the rocks for dear life, not wanting to ever let go.  After all, we grow to the place where we trust the bottom.  We know what the bottom feels like. We are familiar with the sights and sounds of it, and we have learned to navigate life from that place. 

It can be scary as hell to look up and see all kinds of stuff floating along in the swift moving stream of life. It could be stuff like happy relationships, freedom to be, expressions of emotion and love, joy in living and a host of other states of being that we long for in our heart of hearts. Meanwhile, we are still clinging to the rocks at the bottom. 

Many choose to cling and then there are those who long for more, those who get tired of the clinging and long to be free to float and move along in life.

It takes great courage to stop clinging to whatever makes us feel safe, and just let go. We cling to relationships that no longer work and feel smothering, to jobs that do not fulfill us, to habits that do not serve our well being, to beliefs that keep us mired in fear and to a way of life where we feel we are being left behind. 

Why do we do this? Because it is all familiar, and though familiar can choke the life out of us, we still cling to it because it feels safe. We already know how it works or does not work.

People expect us to stay the same and when we decide to reach for the next rung on the ladder, it scares them. If I change, will they be expected to change? Besides, they like me as I am, because I am familiar. If I never cry in front of them and I suddenly begin to give myself permission to have all of my feelings, it may upset their apple cart. When we break a pattern, the people around us sometimes feel thrown off balance, and when that happens some respond in anger or disbelief. How dare you change the dance step in the middle of a dance they know by heart? 

Humans do not like change. It scares us.. The question then becomes, will you stay the same so you do not have to feel responsible for the upset apple cart, or will you reach for what you want in your life? Are you willing to change the dance step or will you keep doing the same dance because it pleases others. 

I know from personal experience that letting go of what no longer serves me, to move into who knows what, can be a terrifying experience. I do remember a time in my life where I used to worry about what people would think if I moved in a different direction.  Or, if I made a choice to change my life.  What would my mother say? Would my children approve or would they judge me? Would my husband get mad at me or put me down? Would society disapprove?

I will always remember the fear and trembling I felt when I decided to leave the religion I had grown up in. I no longer believed in it or its teachings and I knew it was time to move on. I knew I would be judged harshly but I had to make the move. Or the time I closed a business I owned and was making money from, but I knew it was time to go in another direction. I was called crazy by some, a heathen, and other choice names, but I had to let go.

When the water dries up in a relationship, a job, or a situation we DO have the choice of painting the rocks blue and pretending all is well, or we can stop clinging to it and move on. 

I know this is scary stuff but this is YOUR life and it is up to you to decide to live large or small. I hope we all choose large.

NO MAN IS AN ISLAND

"No man is an island, entire of itself.

Each man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.

 If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less.

As well as if a promontory were.

As well as if a manor of thine own or of thine friends were.

Each man's death diminishes me, for I am involved in mankind.

Therefore, send not to know for whom the bell tolls.

It tolls for thee."   John Donne, 1604

This is one of my favorite poems, and I think the part that speaks the loudest to me is "for I am involved in mankind." Because we are all connected, I appreciate the concept of being involved in mankind. We are all a piece of the continent, a part of the main.  John Donne obviously understood this. 

For thousands of years, sages, adepts, and poets from all cultures have understood that the entire universe is a whole, living entity, which means all things are connected. Nothing is separate as it appears to human perception, everything is interlocked.

Max Planck, the father of quantum theory, described a universal field of energy that connects everything in creation. He called it The Divine Matrix and described it as a container that holds the universe, a bridge between all things and a mirror that shows us what we have created.

There was a time when humans lived closer to the land, to each other and to our creator. People then understood the sacredness of life and there was a sense of balance in the world. Then people began to forget, and in their forgetting they felt separate from the earth, each other and their creator.

There was a time, not that long ago, when neighborhoods were communities. People lived closer and relied more upon each other. We knew our neighbors names, children played together in the streets and backyards, we borrowed sugar and milk from each other, and we understood the value of caring and sharing.

Slowly, humanity has moved away from the concept of togetherness and connection; we've learned how to make war with each other and our environment. It's like we each live in a little world separate from others. 

True peace comes from knowing we are all part of something greater than Self, a piece of the continent, a part of the main, and we are all connected to the whole.

In this technically oriented, "progressive" (or so they say) world we live in, we may be more connected electronically, but heart-wise and relationship-wise, we are part of a great disconnect.

If we want to live in a world where we are involved in mankind, it is important that we reconnect with that which matters. The way I see it, what matters is love, forbearance and compassion.

How do we reinstill these values in the minds and hearts of the world at large? I believe we do it one step at a time.

Instead of a text or an email, pick up the phone and call someone.

Vow to make your dinner table a no phone zone, and practice talking to each other and listening to what is being said. Engage with each other,

Visit someone today, just because.

Send someone a card with a hand-written note letting them know how special they are and that they matter.

Take care of yourself, love and nurture yourself, and do all you can to let others know they are important and that you care.

I honestly do not know how we can thrive and survive as a society if we are not willing to be inclusive and loving. It is important for us to see each other for our humanity and get past our differences. We can each do our part in putting the pieces of the whole back together again. Starting today we can remember, "No man is an island" and what affects one, affects all. Make a change!!  Make a difference!!

COVERING A CAKE OF SHIT WITH SUGAR

Running through my brain has been the understanding that we can easily turn a blind eye to that which has created, or is creating, suffering in our lives. Trying to cover devastating incidents, or ignoring them by pretending they are not there, is what I call pouring sugar on top of a cake of shit.  If we can adequately cover the cake, we may not have to see it or smell it and we can pretend it is okay.  

No one wants to see or deal with the negative aspects of life. We all would like to live in a Mary Poppins world, where all you have to do is imagine all is well, and it is.. However, that is not how most of life occurs. There are traumas and events that cause immeasurable pain that cannot be avoided. We have both body and brain memory. Though we may forget painful events, put it out of our mind, the memory of how we felt still lingers within. 

Feelings don't just disappear, they resurface over and over again. If, and when, we are not involved in a process of healing those painful memories, we often cover them over when they appear and reappear. It can be too painful to face them so we often either pretend they are not there, or we make excuses for why they happened. 

The reason this has been on my mind is because lately, I keep hearing people talk about traumatic events in their lives, and while they are describing the event they attempt to cover the hurt and anger. Instead of being honest about the feeling attached to the event, they pretend it didn't really matter, or it was okay for some reason or the other. 

I have heard stories from people about how they were hit with either a switch or a belt, or slapped, punched, kicked or pinched, when they were a child. While talking about the trauma, they say they are glad they were whipped, or whatever, because it taught them respect. I feel total amazement when I hear this type of statement and I usually think to myself, "Really? Are you a masochist? Did you find value in being hit? Do you really think there is value in hitting anyone?" Hitting others does not create value in the lives of the one being hit; quite the contrary it creates anger and feelings of worthlessness. No one deserves to be hit, and to try to justify being hit is akin to covering that cake of shit with sugar. No matter how much we say we are glad, the body and the child within knows the difference

I recently had a conversation with a woman who was a victim of physical abuse. She was telling me all the reasons she needed to stay with her abuser. He did not mean it, she made him do it because she kept doing or saying things he told her not to do or say, he just wants her to be the best wife she can be, etc This is hogwash and gaslighting. Another, a victim of emotional abuse excused her husband's rants against her by saying he really was a good man, he did not hit her and he only raged and called her names when he drank too much. No one deserves to be talked to or treated in such a manner that makes them feel less than. To attempt to excuse such behavior is covering a cake of shit with sugar. 

Relationships, whether parent and child, spousal or friends, function best when there is mutual respect. We all deserve respect and kindness. No matter what we do or say, whether a child or adult, we never are asking for abuse. 

Whenever pain or anger shows up in our life, it is best to look it in the eye and deal with it. We cannot heal what we cannot feel so running away from the feelings will not make them go away. Sugar coating the ugly and smelly does not make it disappear; it only shows up again and again, like an adamant child who is demanding your attention.

I have lived a long time and have experienced more than my share of traumatic events. Often, the hurt and worthlessness presents itself to me in the form of a memory, and when it does, I let it in. It is okay to let the pain be pain, the ugly be ugly and the shit be shit. No need to excuse it or cover it over with a nice thought. Just let it be and let it heal!!

 

PATIENTLY WAITING

This morning, while reading Sue Monk Kidd's book, When the Heart Waits, I had the realization that I am still partially addicted to quick and quicker. Though I can often sit still and wait for something to happen, or to change, there are those moments when I want to jump up, get busy and hurry the process. I sometimes want to make things happen on my time schedule, as opposed to happening at the right time.

Occasionally, I want to just reach into my being and pull out the "weeds" of suffering, anger, anxiety, sadness, depression and whatever else is lingering.  I sometimes cry out in the night, "Why can't the process be quicker? Why can't the wounds I have carried within since I was a child heal instantly?"  I sometimes wish Creator would come along and in one fell swoop root out my insecurities, solve my problems, heal my wounds and heal my body.

When I am in my "right" mind, I know how to wait patiently-other days it is like I have a bee in my bonnet and I am constantly flapping around trying to get rid of it. Some days I can sit quietly and do absolutely nothing, just wait in peace, and other times I keep jumping up to do something, in hopes my activity can hurry the process of life.  Being quiet, sitting still, and the biggest of all, waiting, does not always come easy.

I want to  have my body restored to good health. I want Paul to get a local job immediately because I want him home every night. I want to be able to walk across the room or down the driveway without having to fall into a chair from lack of breath and exhaustion. I want to have the desire and the drive to work on my new book daily. I want a new gas stove, wood flooring and the inside of my house painted. I want a screened in front porch. I want, I want, I want, and the truth is it is okay to have it all but I have to wait patiently for it all to come about. 

Living in an instant society exacerbates the dislike of having to wait for something. We can open a box of something called potatoes and have instant mashed potatoes. Yuk!! We can put a pod in a coffee maker, press a button, and instantly have a cup of fresh brewed coffee. We can open a box of anything, pour it in a pan, add  some  liquid, and have instant dinner. Our society does not prize waiting, which makes it hard to break away from impatient waiting.

Here's another important element about waiting, that should be considered.  Because I wait patiently for something does not necessarily mean it will come to pass. So, the extra element, or perhaps I should say, caveat, to patient waiting, is the knowing that what I am waiting for may not happen. Though it can be hard to allow in the possibility that I may not get what I am patiently waiting for. it is important to be able to make that adjustment. Sometimes we need to adjust the sails accordingly and give up the attachment we have to the outcome we expect from waiting.  

Some things I have come to know that helps the process of waiting are: 

• I know that I sometimes have to give myself permission to patiently wait because the world around me is spinning and everyone is rushing to go nowhere. I do not have to do what anyone else is doing or what others think I should be doing.
• I know I am my own worst enemy when it comes to being quiet and waiting. I still have a parent living in my head who wants to remind me that I need to be doing something to hurry life along. 
• I know the difference between patient waiting and impatient waiting. Impatient waiting is fuming inside, stomping my food, huffing and puffing and cursing what it is. Patient waiting is peaceful.
• I know how difficult it can be to wait when everything within me is screaming for life to "hurry up and find a solution".

Over the years, especially on  my soul healing journey, I continue to learn the value of slowing down, being quiet and waiting. Will I ever progress to the point of being adept at patient waiting? I always have hope I will evolve into that place. Meanwhile, I have to keep reining myself in and reminding myself to take it a moment at a time and let life unfold while allowing myself to be enfolded within it. I also have to continually hold the possibility that what I wish for may not come to pass. 

Peace out!!

CAUGHT IN A SHIFT STORM-PART II

 Last week, on Wednesday,  I wrote about feeling like I was in a shift storm, being tossed around and caught in a whirlwind. In that blog, I shared part of chapter one from the book Illusions. It was about the creatures living at the bottom of the crystal river clinging to twigs and stones for fear of what would happen if they let go. And then one day, one creature made the decision to let go, and though bruised and battered from hitting the rocks, he eventually made it to the surface where he was able to float along in peace. After reading that piece, I made the decision to do what the creature did, and let go, quit clinging to what was and what I knew, and let the current take me into the unknown. 

Friday morning, while once again contemplating on the changes happening in my body and my life, and thinking about my on again and off again fear and anxiety about life, I had an important memory come to the surface.  The memory that surfaced happened about  twenty-five years ago, and I had forgotten about it. On Friday morning, it showed up, and after sitting still and re-living the entire event,  I began to to see what I needed to see.

I now share the details of this event with you:

I was on a white water rafting trip on the Nantahala river in North Carolina. It was a beautiful day for rafting and the day was going smoothly. We had been on the water for about an hour or two and were coming to the end of the class II rapids. Since we were getting into a smooth flowing, though rapid current, I relaxed my body. I was sitting on the edge of the raft with my feet curled under, looking forward to standing on dry land.  Suddenly we hit a small rapid, and when the raft jolted I fell backwards and into the river. Before I knew it, I was, being carried down the river by the swift current.

I could hear the guide on the raft hollering at me to turn myself around. One rule of riding the rapids is, if you fall out of the raft you want to do what you can to position yourself so you are going downstream feet first. If you go head first you stand the chance of slamming into a boulder and if you hit the same boulder foot first you could jam your spine. It seems it is better to hit feet first, if you are going to hit at all.

I do not know how I did it, but I managed to maneuver my body around so I was going feet first. What I could not do, due to the swift current, was make it back to the raft.

It was early spring so the river was still fairly shallow and there were a lot of boulders on the river bed. As I was carried downstream I was in a state of panic, and I was taking in water. I could feel the fear overwhelming me and I really thought I might either drown or wind up paralyzed for life from having my back hit all the boulders in the water as I floated down stream.

Somehow, and I really do not know how, in the midst of being carried away by the current, I had the knowing within that I needed to quit struggling and let myself go with the current. I don't know how I did it, but I did let go and allow myself to be swept away. The fear did not leave me, but in spite of the fear, I was somehow able to let go.

Shortly after, I heard a voice hollering, "Grab the oar." Without opening my eyes I reached my right hand over and there was the oar. The raft had finally reached me and I was able to grab hold of the oar. I was quickly pulled back into the boat.

I do not know how long the entire episode lasted. It felt like hours but was probably just a few minutes. When I was pulled back onto the raft I could not sit down.

Later, when I went to the doctor to be checked I found out I had a broken tailbone and severe spine and back bruises. I sat on a donut for almost a year before the break mended enough for me to sit without padding.

I believe this memory resurfaced at this time, because it was another reminder of my need to go with the flow and not fight the current. I do not know where the current will take me because I can't see ahead, and I do not know all the ramifications of the shifts and changes happening. I am doing my best to relax into the flow and take it as it comes.  I will continue to do this unless and until I can hit dry land again.