TAKEAWAYS FROM 2022

 2022 has flown by and as I look back it feels like it was one of the most active years I have experienced in decades. So much happened this year. I traveled to Costa Rica for a destination wedding, I visited girlfriends in Pa. and Fl., my grandson was married in April  and my son was married in June, my son gave me an 80th birthday bash at his beach house and I got to see the new year in with my children, grandchildren and a great-grandchild,  my granddaughter moved in with me and Paul in September, I hosted a sister-friend weekend in November at my son's beach house and Paul and I made it through a week without power due to a 16" snowfall in January. It seemed there was always something either going on or being planned. I am not complaining about any of it because for the most part I really enjoyed the events of the year.

This year was not just about events, it was also about insights. I saw a lot into myself , my patterns and how I tend to do life according to my basic beliefs about myself, and the stories I have told myself and have believed about life.

One of the big takeaways from this year was learning to look within when I am resisting or struggling with life and its situations. I became aware of how often I look outside of myself in an effort to blame someone else for what is happening and how I am feeling. It is so easy to want to remove the mote out of the other person's eye than to see the beam in my own eye. When frustrated, I want to blame someone else for the frustration which solves nothing. I find when I blame the other I just get more angry because they are not who I want them to be and my frustration grows into anger. Nothing is solved when we look without because the cause of the frustration is within. 

So takeaway # 1 is learning to look within  instead of dumping my anger and frustration on someone else.

Another takeaway from this year was seeing clearly the difference between saying "I love you" and actually showing and practicing love. I am acutely aware of how easy it is to say the words without following up with action. I believe love is a verb, even though it can be used as a noun.  Though words carry a lot of weight, they can still be hollow.

I understand that a lot of people love me and I am grateful to be loved. However, there is a difference between saying I love you and actually caring for someone. Here is what I have come to understand about caring.  My heart is gladdened and I feel warm inside when someone reaches out with a phone call, an email, a text or a written note because they are thinking of me.  Or when someone asks, "What can I do to help?" That is what I call being cared for. To care for others requires us to move beyond self and into a place of considering others needs. I am not talking about giving up myself for another, I am talking about going beyond myself out of consideration of others. That is caring.  

So takeaway # 2 has been a huge one for me this year and I am still deeply embedded in the process of allowing myself to be cared for, asking for care and consideration when needed, and letting more love in. 

I have no idea what 2023 will be like but I do know that the words "slow down" are running through my being. I feel the nudging within to take longer and slower breaths, to be where I am instead of running into the next moment and to  spend more quiet moments looking within for the source of my comfort and discomfort. 

Happy new year to all. May your year be filled with peace, joy and love and care for all of mankind. 

 

PREJUDICE AND THE LOSS OF KINDNESS

In three short weeks I will turn 81.  When I was younger I thought 81 was old. However, what I know today is that 81 is older, but is not necessarily old. I do not mind being 80 and I am sure I will not mind being 81. I embrace my age and do not pretend to be younger. 

I was born in 1942 and grew up in the 40's and 50's.  I often say I wish I could go back to that time. There was a lot that I would not want to go back to, but what I do miss is that life was simpler then.  We had family values, we knew all our neighbors, we were all there for each other, we stuck together, we ate all our meals together gathered around the kitchen table, we prayed together and we didn't need much. 

This is how life was in my family and for a long time I thought it was the best that life could be. I still believe the family and caring parts of it were the best,  but as I have grown I have come to see the unacceptable parts of life and the beliefs we adhered to in the 40's and 50's. 

Homosexuality was kept in the closet because it was totally unacceptable. Segregation was alive and well and the black people in our little southern town had their own neighborhood, and they had their own churches, fountains and schools. The whites believed they were superior to the blacks. 

The town I grew up in was predominately Catholic and we looked down on those who were of different faiths. We judged them as "wrong" and did not believe the divine lived in their church buildings.

Little girls were raised to be a wife and a mother, to be prim and proper and definitely not to have sex before marriage. Our training was cooking, cleaning and laundry. If and when girls engaged in sex and were found out, they were considered whores and used goods. They were whispered about behind their backs and ostracized by the other girls. Boys were raised to be the head of the house and to be angry if they chose, have sex as much as they wanted without marriage and to think they were superior to women.  The men were served first and the women served them. 

So, though the 40's and 50's had a lot of good points, it also fell short of being idyllic. Of course, as a child growing up in the south, I did not know anything was wrong or missing in the society we lived in.

I am not sure what happened in my life to send me in the opposite direction of the "values" I was raised with, but I developed my own set of values. I am still a southern woman (by birth) but I abhor racism, bigotry, anti-Semitism, islamophobia, zenophobia, mysogeny, homophobia and most of the other phobias that have to do with making those who are different wrong and unacceptable. 

It cuts to my core when I hear or read ugly statements about blacks, gays, Latinos, Asians, women, LGBTQ's, Muslims and on and on.  I somehow, as part of my spiritual growth, have developed a love, empathy, and deep compassion for those who are considered underdogs in our society. I have a need to stand up for them and to lift them up. I see and understand that we are all part of the same creator energy and that the same sun shines on all of us. It does not matter what we look like on the outside or what our religious belief or sexual orientation is, we are all brothers and sisters.

The more exclusive we become, as a society, the darker our world becomes. Hatred, violent rhetoric and actions, condescending remarks and looking down on others who are different contributes to the downfall of society. We will never be a world filled with love, goodness and kindness to all until we banish our thoughts that we are superior to others. 

I do not understand how people who go to church every Sunday, quote scripture, pray and believe in a God, can make fun of and denigrate their brothers and sisters. In some cases they even hate those who are different and commit violent acts against them.  How can this be????

As I age, I continue to pray for and hope for a change in the consciousness and the hearts of my human family. I pray we learn to love each other and treat others with kindness and empathy. I pray we learn to practice the Golden Rule and give up judgment and prejudice.  I pray we learn to reach across the aisle and include those who are different than we are. 

We all matter!! We are all made by the same creator energy!! We all deserve respect, kindness and love and LET IT BEGIN WITH ME!!

"Joie de vevre" or Delight in Living

 Being Cajun French and raised in a household of Cajuns, I heard a lot of French when I was growing up. One of the sayings my mother and grandmother taught me was "joie de vivre", which means joy in living, a delight in being alive, and a keen carefree enjoyment of living.  

This morning, in my quiet time, the word joy kept coming to me. As I thought on it I became very aware of how little pure joy I actually experience in my daily life. I remember when I was a child how excited I would get about a lot of little things. Going to the movies on Sunday afternoon, playing paper dolls or reading a good book, running wild and free in the yard with friends, a cousin spending the night and many other day by day occurrences would send me whooping and hollering through the house in delight and anticipation. The smallest and simplest things filled me with joy. 

And then I grew up and found myself  caught up in the process of life and I somewhere lost sight of what really mattered. It's not that I don't have joy in my life, it just seems the moments of joy are not enough. Thomas Merton said, "The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little" and as I look around me and listen to others, I believe many of us have settled for too little in the name of being an adult. 

My heart longs to touch joy more, to revel in being alive and living the wonderful life I get to live. It is too easy to get caught up in the seriousness and the busyness of it all and forget to experience joie de vevre..Every day chores like cooking, cleaning, errands, paying bills, writing and whatever else shows up in my day sometimes feel like a drag and something I need to get through. I want to change that.

 I want to focus on the light and on the goodness in life. I want to take time to delight in the simple things in life and not get caught up in the "to do's." I want to learn to step back and laugh at some of the outrageous, ridiculous and often times meaningless things I do or say in life in an effort to get it all done, maintain the status quo, be right and keep life under control. 

I believe we all embody joy. It is a part of who we are, and for many, in the process of growing up and being and behaving as others told us how we were supposed to be, we learned to ignore it and set it aside.  It is up to each of us to allow self to feel the delights of life. Imagine how different life would be if we all lightened up and allowed self and others to experience and express delight. 

I have a little three year old neighbor girl who likes to come to my house to play with my granddaughter's dog, Sami.  She squeals and laughs and becomes totally engross in her interaction with the dog. As I watch her I am so aware of the pure delight she is experiencing. I also am aware that her delight in the simple things in life is still evident because it has not been taken away by the adults in her life, nor has it been squelched. She has no problem rolling on the floor with Sami. 

As I think about this precious child and the joy she has, I feel the desire and resolve within me to return to a life of  joie de vevre. I am going to recapture that part of myself that has been set aside. I will keep you posted!!

The Dichotomies in Life

 Dichotomy: A division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different.

I am very aware that life is composed of dichotomies. There are roses and thorns, joy and sadness, anger and acceptance, inclusion and exclusion, love and fear, belief and doubt, certainty and uncertainty, busyness and rest, exhaustion and energy, hope and despondency, ups and downs and laughter and tears.  

The truth is, depending on the day, the circumstances, how I feel physically and how much sleep I have had, I can experience a myriad of feelings from up to down and somewhere in between. Life is not always on an even keel. 

There was a time on this healing journey where I thought something had gone wrong when I experienced downs and doubts. I thought maybe I had taken a wrong turn somewhere and I would question myself and get anxious about the negative thoughts and  would try to bring myself into a more "spiritual" state of being, a more positive place. That was then and that was exhausting. 

Today, I know that a life lived in a human body in this world, on this planet, especially in this polarized environment, is subject to dichotomies. How I feel on a particular day, or in a particular situation, does not affect, nor does it have anything to do with the most important part of my life. which is my connection to divine creator energy. As long as I can remember who I am, why I am here and that I am part of the divine. I can regain my balance and go on with life. 

In the unseen world, which is the eternal, there is love and peace. In the seen world, which is temporary. there is dichotomy.  When I focus on and keep returning to a place of peace and love I am able to withstand the winds of life.  In that space I am in touch with what really matters. My fear of lack, of not being enough, of failure or of loss lose their power. 

 Because that which is of the seen world is temporary does not make it any less important. It is a challenge to live a grounded life and maintain balance and authenticity in this world. Earning an income, living with integrity, having loving relationships with family and friends, though part of the temporary. does not lose its importance in our daily lives.

As long as we are alive and in a body on this earth, there will always be dichotomies.  There also will always be choice about what to respond to and what to hold fast.  We do not have to deny the thorn to embrace the rose.. We can be well aware of the thorn and the pain it can cause while choosing to fill our life with roses. We can love one another despite the things we don't like while embracing each other, and self, as a whole human being worthy of love and kindness. 

We are spirit (eternal) and we are human (temporary). We do not have to deny one for the other, or put one above the other. We see the dichotomies, we acknowledge them and in many cases embrace them, and move forward as we remember "we" and "it" are all part of the whole. 

THANKSGIVING

I love Thanksgiving and always look forward to  the gathering of family and friends.  This year, for Thanksgiving, my daughter is flying in from New Orleans and we are all going to gather at my new daughter-in-law's family's home. I appreciate the blending of families and always enjoy being together with all as we share the bounty of the earth.  I love the sounds and the smells of the day; a turkey roasting in the oven, people gathered around talking and sharing kindness and care and everyone sitting together at the table enjoying the delicious feast that has been prepared  

Besides the joy of Thanksgiving day, I usually have a certain amount of sadness on that day.  My mother died on Thanksgiving night. The family had all gathered at her house for Thanksgiving dinner and she lay in a coma on a hospice bed not far from where we sat to eat. After dinner we gathered around her bed as we watched our L.S.U. Tigers beat Texas A&M in a football game. My mother loved her Tigers and we were so happy to share the game with her. Even though she was in a coma we knew she could hear us and hear the game. 

After everyone left later that night and the house was quiet, she made her transition.  On 11/24/16 at 11:24PM she took the last step on her journey home. That was a thanksgiving I shall never forget.

It also is a thanksgiving that I am grateful for.  I, my daughter, granddaughter and great-granddaughter had been sitting by my mother's side for four days and nights because we did not want her to die alone,. We talked to her, comforted her, thanked her and just poured love and gratitude all over her in her final days. It is hard to explain the depth of gratitude I feel for being able to experience the extreme gift of holding my mother in love as she died.

This year, as always, even as I feel the sadness that is in my heart, I am still  overwhelmed with appreciation for all of the love, compassion and thoughtfulness that flow in and through my life. I am so blessed to have a loving family and wonderful, kind and gentle friends. 

I send love and gratitude to all of my readers and wish you all a happy, blessed and loving Thanksgiving day. May your life be filled with thankfulness every day.  You all matter!  You are all important!

RELATIONSHIPS

Humans are relational beings. Over the years I have come to understand that most of our soul wounding happened in relationships, first with caretakers and later with others who we interacted with. Most of the healing of those wounds takes place in relationships also. We need relationships in order to grow and flourish. When we are in good, nurturing relationships we have the opportunity to expand and thrive.  When we are in poor, stressful and demanding relationships we tend to contract and draw within. Therefore, choosing who we spend time with, who we spend our lives with and who we interact with is important.

In past relationships I have endured, and in many instances, withstood. I have had my heart broken a few times.  I have had many relationships over the years; some good and some not so good.  I have been in relationships that were filled with anger and distrust and some that were fun and fulfilling. I have stayed in some relationships too long and left others too early.

As I look back on the relationships I have had I see one thing in common. All had something to teach me about myself and how I relate to others. In some cases I learned how to stand up and say no, in others I learned how to soften my stance. I did not know any of this at the time but as I look back and reflect on life, I can see how in some fashion I prospered in my growth as a human. I also learned what I did not want as opposed to what I did want to have in my life.

For sixteen years, I have been very blessed to be in a marriage with someone who is kind and nurturing, who always has my back and who has the ability to see me, hear me and listen without an agenda. Before I met Paul I was divorced and alone for almost six years. I did not even date during that time. Men would ask me out to dinner but I refused because I hadn't yet met anyone I wanted to share a meal with. My girlfriends would encourage me to go to dinner (it was a free meal) and I always responded with, "I am not willing to sit across the table from, and celebrate a meal with, someone I don't really like. Besides, I can buy my own dinner."

Then I met a European who was quite charming and very handsome. We dated for about five weeks and most of that five weeks was spent arguing. He was old school and was looking for someone to fix his meals, wash his clothes and be a companion. It did not take long for me to start calling him a chauvinistic pig while he chewed me out for dropping the F bomb too many times.  In his mind it was unladylike to say that word.  One afternoon while in the middle of one of our heated arguments, I had an ah-ha moment. I saw how I kept sticking with him, when there obviously was nothing between us, because I was needy. When the clarity hit, I stepped back and took a look at how often I stayed in unhappy relationships because of my need to be with someone and to feel wanted and okay. 

That was an eye opener for me, and with the insight, I was able to put an end to an unhealthy situation I had put myself into. I then took some time to do a review of my life and relationships and saw how often I sold out just so I could be "in a relationship." It looked like madness to me and I decided I was going to pay attention and make choices that would serve me in the long run. No more selling myself short in order to feel needed, connected and wanted. 

Then I met Paul. Neither of us were looking for a partner. We liked each other and were immediate friends and we remain friends until today. 

I have experienced the greater part of my soul healing since having Paul in my life. We made a vow to love and support each other, not only when we are feeling good and have it all together, but also when we are in a space of clearly forgetting who we are. Over the years our relationship has deepened as we stay true to each other and to our Anam Cara commitment.  We do not always agree on everything but we remain steadfast in our love and our promise to hear each other and to be honest. I am grateful for this partnership of love and keep giving my soul permission to take in all the love as I let the healing unfold.   

 

IN THE WOODS

                                                                       Aerial view of house

 Autumn has always been my favorite time of the year, but since moving to the woods I love it even more.  I look out my window and see the changing of the leaves and how the sunlight filters through the trees at certain times of the day. It is nice being back in the woods as the days are getting shorter, the nights colder, the trees barer and life quieter. I like the crispness in the air, I appreciate a fire in our outdoor firepit and delight in the crackling of leaves beneath my feet as I walk through the yard.

We live on five acres of land with about three and a half acres being woods. In the summer we cannot see the other houses in the neighborhood unless we go down to the street. The woods are full of oak, pine, poplar, birch, sweetgum and maple, so our house is surrounded by tall, stately trees. 

We are pretty isolated out here so you can probably imagine how lonely it sometimes gets back here in the woods. We do have neighbors but since every home owner out here owns five or more acres of land, none of the houses are close. Our street is gravelled, there are no sidewalks and we do not even have a street sign at the corner. Thankfully, I have gotten to know most of my neighbors and there is a comfortable camaraderie among us. 

Living in the woods has its advantages and it also has its challenges. There is no broadband back here and cell phone reception is not the best. Everyone in this area has satellite since there is no cable. Some of my neighbors have tried streaming, but internet via Hughes Net is very sketcchy and only provides limited data.  

There is a little country store about five miles away but to go to a supermarket means anywhere from a twenty to a twenty-five minute drive. All of the streets from our road to the main highway are two lane, winding country roads. The closest shopping center is about forty minutes away, the nearest airport is one and a half hours and it takes close to a half hour to get to interstate. 

Though there are challenges to living in the woods, there are also huge benefits, especially for someone like me who loves nature and space to breathe. I appreciate the quiet and the feeling of being tucked away in my own little corner of the world. We do have good neighbors who are all always willing to step in and help each other. Paul and I enjoy exploring our woods and finding all the treasures hidden in them. Our land is full of quartz so we are never at a loss for large stones to outline our flower gardens. We certainly do not have to buy firewood since there are so many downed trees in the woods plus a neighbor across the street has chickens so I always have fresh free-range eggs,

In the spring and summer our hummingbird and bird feeders are filled with all kinds of beautiful birds. Of course, we also have a lot of squirrels, rabbits, deer, possum, raccoon, foxes and even a bear. This summer we came across a copperhead  making his way into the woods and it is not unusual to see black snakes slithering across the yard.

There are four young children in our neighborhood and I love the sound of them playing in the yard. They spend their time outdoors on their trampoline and jungle gyms and  I often see them going in and out of the woods on the trails their parents have cut for them to ride their four wheelers on. It is so refreshing to hear the squeals of delight and the laughter of children playing outside. 

It seems people either love living in the woods or they hate it. I have been told by a few that they could never live where I live, and then there are those who say they would give anything to live where we live. If you are attached to a cell phone and broadband and to the convenience of city living, you would not like it back here. However, if you are someone who enjoys quiet, dark nights with no street lights and being in nature, then you would love it back here. 

I would appreciate hearing from my readers. What works best for you? City or country living? 

At the firepit

Fall in the front yard

                           
                                                                                

GOING TO THE WELL

Life can be hectic. Because I am in a physical body and I live on this planet, I, like all of us, am susceptible to valley experiences. Some days are frustrating, some hectic, some confusing; some experiences provoke a response of anger or irritation, some  create feelings of weariness and depression.  

Then there are the days when I feel like I am on a mountain top. The sun is shining, life is falling into place, things are going my way, On those days I usually feel energetic and glad to be in my body living the life I get to live.

Life has its ups and downs, and since I am a feeling and sensing person I feel a lot in my body. I cannot always control the circumstances that life brings,and I sometimes feel like I am teetering on the edge.  Adapting to life's events can be very tough and even feel unreachable.

I have had to learn, and am still learning, how to stay present and keep myself on as even a keel as I can, as I deal with the ups and downs of life. The way I do this is by continually going to the well.

A well can be one thing, or it can be a combination of things, thoughts and actions that assist you in returning your sensitive nervous system to your window of tolerance. We function best when we feel safe and centered, so having tools at our disposal that will allow us to regain our balance when the going gets tough, is important. I call these tools my well. It is my sip of cool, clean water when I am feeling parched. 

It has taken time and practice to build and fill my well and to learn to go to it when I am feeling tossed by the winds of life. 

GOING TO THE WELL

The first and most important sip I take is to check my connection to my creator. I know mother/father god. I have personally experienced the benevolence and kindness that comes from that connection, so I know how it feels to use that divine love as my soft place to land.

I pause and take deep diaphramatic breaths as I feel my feet on the ground.  I sometimes do this by standing barefoot on the ground so I can absorb the strength of mother earth. 

Other methods I sometimes use to recreate a feeling of safety and well-bring are:

I put my forehead against one of my favorite trees or stand with my spine touching a tree. 

I remind myself who I am and why I am here.

I practice self-soothing. Sometimes I hug and hold myself, other times I lay my head back and take a sacred pause.

I shift the focus to my senses: What do I feel, hear, see, taste, touch.

I stretch my body.

I go for a walk in nature.

I write about my experience in the moment.

I emote my feelings. If sad, I cry, if angry, I express it.

I practice being.

All of these are my well experiences. I have learned that living in this fast paced world that is experiencing huge amounts of anger and violence, and breathing this air, means I have to practice self-care. The more I practice kindness and compassion towards myself the more I am able to go with the flow and allow life to be. 

We all need a well . We all need a place to go and tools to use when the going gets rough. When we don't have a well to go to we run the risk of getting underneath it all instead of being able to maintain sanity and peace.

It is a good practice to sit down and make a list of what is available to you when you are feeling the onslaught of life. Identify what works for you and what you can access when necessary.

If I did not have a well to go to I honestly wonder where I would be in life at this moment. It is my saving grace. 

 

A LOVE LETTER

 

I first wrote this message in 2014 and while going through some of my writings I came across it.  I know this is a repeat but I need to say it again, to you, those who are reading these words. 

Dear Reader,

I saw you in a dream last night. You were standing by a still, calm river, in a group, all connected. As I looked closely at you, this is what I saw:

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. No matter your age, what your skin looks like, how much you weigh, the color of your hair or eyes, your ethnicity, your race, or how you see yourself, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Accept every part of you, own yourself, feel your beauty. 

YOU ARE A MAGNIFICENT HUMAN BEING. Because you have done something wrong at some time in your life doesn't mean something is wrong with you. Anyone who has told you something or behaved in any way to make you think you are less than magnificent was not telling the truth. They did not mean to hurt you, they just did not see you. As a creation of divine energy YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT. Choose to step away from your thoughts about what others may or may not say and see your possibilities. 

YOU ARE POWERFUL  You may have tried things and failed, been told to sit down and shut up, felt powerless in many situations, are afraid of change or been treated like a minority or second-class citizen. In the grand scheme of life none of that matters because the essence of who you are, which is Spirit, is POWERFUL. Find your voice, be courageous, step into your autehntic power and use it for the good of all.

YOU MATTER. Rejection, abandonment, betrayal, not being heard or seen, being called names or being abused or used can make us beleive we are not important. What's true, at the deepest level, is the world would not be the same without your presence.  It is okay to feel your worth because YOU MATTER.

YOU ARE UNIQUE. You are not the story you tell yourself about your life, you are not your thoughts or beliefs. Do not let yourself be defined by others thoughts of who you are and/or who you are supposed to be. YOU ARE UNIQUE, you are you. You are deserving of love, compassion, kindness and acceptance. Be willing to step beyond the confinement the world and society places on you. Step into your uniquesness. 

Today is your day to shine, to look at yourself in the mirror and practice loving what and who you are, to dance for the sheer joy of being alive and to embrace your fullness. Be big. Be you. 

Love,

Brenda

Self-Agression

 

Self-Aggression

I few months back I took a class from Matt Licata, Ph.D., one of my favorite authors and psychotherapists.  The class was "Resting Your Nervous System."  I learned so much from that class and still refer back to my notes for reminders of the life changing information I was given.  

One of the lessons I learned and really took to heart was paying attention to how I aggress against myself. I have done this all of my life but was not aware that when I beat myself up emotionally or mentally I am practicing self demeaning behavior.

Self-aggression is behaviors that are a result of negative emotions that are self-directed and that can cause physical or emotional harm.  Most of those negative emotions are a result of the messages we heard in childhood and/or the stories we tell ourselves about our experiences in life.  I have never practiced physical self-aggression but have practiced emotional self-aggression many times over in my lifetime.

A few examples of self-aggression are:

• To make yourself wrong for an action and then inflict self-punishment by retreating into silence or aloneness. You refuse to speak to others as you pout, but you are full of negative self talk.   
• When you feel unsupported or unheard and you tell yourself nobody cares how you feel and then you retreat into silence and aloneness and refuse to speak to others, but are full of negative self talk.
• When you call yourself names (negative self talk) and/or label yourself negatively, like I am ugly, I am stupid, I am fat, I am dumb, I'm just a lazy ass, I'm a loser, I will never get it right, I just can't win,etc.  
• When you are tired and your body is screaming for rest and relaxation but you keep going because you know somebody has to do it and you don't know how to ask fo help or how to walk away and honor what your body needs. 

Self-aggression is acting against yourself instead of acting on behalf of yourself. The opposite of self-aggression is self-love, self-care and kindness, compassion and tenderness towards self.

Self-aggression can be so insidious we do not even know we are doing it. It is easy to get caught up in self-blame and self-hatred and I have seen others and myself go fom 0 to 100 in a matter of minutes.

The bottom line is we all deserve to be treated with care, love and respect. When others do not see your worth or act on your behalf, it is time to see your own worth and act on your own behalf.

Take care of yourself.  Honor yourself as a creation of divine energy and as a good human being. Love yourself. Treat yourself with kindness. Give yourself a break. Take a warm bath and soak as long as you want with a nice glass of wine and a good book. Take a walk in the woods. Go for a bike ride. Take a nap. Have a cup of tea or a cup of home made hot cocoa (you might even lace it with Kahlua). Do something that feels good for you. You deserve it all!!

YOU MATTER.

The Gift of Tears

I have been told that I am too emotional because I cry when I am happy and I cry when I am sad. I cry over beauty and I cry over hurt. I feel deeply for those whIo are in pain and cry with others as they express their pain. 

I was not always able to be real with my emotions. As a child, I was strongly discouraged from crying. I remember being told "if you don't stop that crying I will give you something to cry about." When I was a child and I cried, I had a reason to cry. I never cried just to cry. Most children cry from sadness, emotional pain, or physical pain. As an adult, when I think of that statment, I believe it is the most insane and unfeeling statement that one human can make to another human. It is demeaning and it teaches children 1) to not trust their feelings and 2) to shut down. 

Today, as I think back on how many times I was told to stop crying, I feel a deep sadness for that little girl who needed to cry and more than that, who needed to be held as she cried. I needed to have my feelings affirmed then, as I do now. 

It saddens and angers me to know that humans think they have the right to take someones's tears away and to literally stop others from feeling.  Even though I understand that people who do this were more than likely never allowed to express their emotions, theeby being uncomfortalbe around others emotions, it still is disheartening. 

We usually learn to stuff our emotuons when we are children, especially sadness and emotional pain. I cried into my pillow a lot when I was a little girl because I knew it was not safe to cry out loud in front of others. I also learned it was more acceptable to laugh when I needed to cry and not to show sadness for someone else who was in emotional pain.  

I finally learned to cry when I was in my early 50's. I was in a session with my therapist who I was seeing for depression and panic attacks. I had been depressed for a long time but had not been ready to deal with the pain. Finally, I made the decision to seek help and began to see a therapist. This therapist was not like any run of the mill therapist. This one had actually done her own healing work and understood the journey from trauma to light. 

In one of my sessions, as she and I were talking about a painful event in my life, I laughed. She asked me how I felt about the event and I told her it made me sad. She then asked me why I was laughing if I was sad? That question stunned me and for the first time I had the actual understanding and ah-ha moment of how often I laughed when I really wanted to cry.

I told her I was afraid to cry because if I ever let myself break down and cry I would not be able to stop and I would wind up running down the street like a wild woman who was overcome with emotion. Eventually the paddy wagon would come and carry me away to a mental institution. The sad thing is I really believed that it was not safe for me to cry. 

I will always remember her leaning slightly forward in her chair and saying to me, "It is safe for you to cry. I am here.." Then, "Never miss an opportunity to cry because tears are healing."

She was the first person in my life who actually gave me permission to have and express my emotions. She created a safe place for me to be real. 

I did cry and I did eventually stop and I am happy to say once the dam was given permission to break, I learned firsthand the value of "letting go." It felt so good to not have to work so hard to keep my sadness underr control.  

Since then I continually practice letting go and giving myself the gift of tears. I now know how cathartic tears are. I have had moments of crying so hard and so deep I am bent over and have felt the relief and the calm that follow intense crying. 

I appreciate my tears and I appreciate everyone's right to have their sadness and their pain and to feel their way through it. Being in control is not a show of strength. Loving yourself enough to feel and heal is. 

The Dance of Life

 Life is a dance. We begin to learn the steps at a very early age, and once learned we tend to continually repeat the same steps over and over. Even when the steps aren't working, even when we are stepping on someone else, even when all we're doing is twirling and going nowhere, even when the steps do not match the music we hear in our soul, we still tend to continue to do that which is familiar.

To ask questions, to doubt the steps and the dance, to consider going in another direction can be extremely scary. Maybe others will question why we are changing in the middle of a dance. Sometimes others will try to get us to go back to that which is familiar, the steps they are used to seeing you take. They know you that way and that is the way they want you to stay. 

No matter how comfortable we feel repeating the same steps, the ones that were taught to us when we were very young and which were supported by our churches, schools, families and society, if we are growing and healing our souls, the time may come when we begin to question the dance we have been doing..

It happens to most of us.

Some heed the call to examine life and the direction they are going and some sidestep the call and continue the dance they know. 

Many entertain the thoughts, "What will my family say?", "What will my friends think?" and/or "How do I explain myself and how do I do this?"

Following the leading of the heart takes courage and determination, it is an act of love and kindness to our soul.  

There is not enough space on this blog to even begin to write about the callings of the heart I have heard and the inner fear I felt about following those callings. In some cases changing the dance I was doing to something different was easy and other times it was very difficullt and very scary. However, I learned quite a few years back that to ignore the call of Spirit was even scarier. 

It is okay to question, to doubt, to entertain new ways of being and to search It is even okay to lose yourself because giving up what you thought you knew for sure increases the chances of reuniting with your authentic self. It is even okay to fall apart because in the  process you most likely will find the missing pieces that are so carefully hidden and guarded in your well put together life. When we are willing to lose who we think we are and who others say we are supposed to be, we find the pieces we left behind. 

Dancing the dance of life can be a magnificent, soul-affirming action or it can be a ho-hum never questioned circle dance. 

Will you take the chance? Will you dance the dance you are meant to dance? The dance you came here to do? It is up to each of us to choose which dance we want to do. 

We all matter and the dance steps we choose matter. You matter. Choose wisely and with your heart.

MY CUP RUNNETH OVER

As I sit and take notice of my life, I am keenly aware of how blessed I am and what a nice life I get to live

 I have many more ups than downs, more happiness than sadness, more love than fear, more kindness than ugliness and more insight than darkness. I see goodness all around me and I feel intense gratitude for grace and mercy.I sometimes feel like my cup is running over with gratitude. 

I feel the love and support of many and this year, more than any other year,  I have been able to have my family together more than usual. 

My year started with my son giving me an 80th birthday party and most of the family came to his beach house to celebrate. We got to be together to bring the new year in and we haven't done that in many years.

Then in April my grandson got married in Costa Rica and once again, those in the family who could make it came together to celebrate. 

In May my youngest granddaughter graduated from college and we gathered together at Wofford to celebrate her achievement.

In June my youngest son got married and the family came together to celebrate the happy occasion.

In September my oldest granddaughter moved in with me and Paul and we get to be together every day.

I am almost overwhelmed by all the opportunities I have had this year to bask in the love of family and friends. 

My life has not always been like this. Looking back I am reminded of all the years of angst, unhappiness, fear, dread and sheer loneliness that enveloped me and filled my life experiences. It took a long time to get to a place where I can honestly say that for the most part I am grateful for the life I get to live.

The journey to this place has been a long one and I certainlyy am nowhere near reaching a pinnacle.

 I put my foot on a spiritual healing path in the 80's and have gradually and slowly grown in my understanding of myself, my creator and my reason for being here. The closer I draw to beloved creator energy the clearer my vision becomes. And the more I see the more I understand that we are all beloved creations and are here to love and honor one another. 

Let me be clear that I do not live in a bubble so I also see the ugliness and darkness that is present in the divided world we live in. I am fully aware of the hatred,anger and need for revenge that is wanting to destroy our country and our world. I do watch the news and keep up with what is going on in the world but have learned not to focus on it, but instead to keep returning to that which is unseen rather than the seen world. 

By unseen I mean that which is of Great Spirit, our creator.  Love, gentleness, kindness, light, forbearnace, compassion and sweetness.  I believe this is the space we are meant to occupy while living in this physical world. 

Love yourself, love one another and let kindness flow from you. The world and its inhabitants are ready for healing. Let your cup run over so others can participate in the sweetness of life. We all matter!! You matter!! 

GRACE AND GRATITUDE

Because I have a very clear awareness of the role grace plays in my life, I often find myself thinking and making the statement  "It's all grace." 

Grace can be defined as goodwill or favor, a delay granted, a prayer of thanks or a title.  The grace I am speaking of is favor that is granted when nothing was done to earn it. Just by virtue of the fact that we inhabit a body and that we are creations of divine energy means our lives are grace filled.

If we are too busy to notice grace, or if it has not yet dawned on us how full of grace life is, does not alter the fact that we are grace filled beings. 

I notice the moments of grace in my life from the kindest of acts bestowed upon me when I need them the most to all the little miracles that keep showing up and filling me with awe. Like when Paul and I went to Ireland for a nine day motorcycle trip. The staff at the motorcycle rental place told us it was the rainy season so we needed to bring rain gear. We flew into Dublin in the rain. The next morning when we picked up our motorcycle the rain stopped and it did not rain until the day we returned the motorcycle and were getting ready to leave Ireland. Or the time I was sitting at a stop light and a car coming in my direction lost control and was headed for me and all of a sudden it veered and did not hit me. Or all the times my sweetheart makes me a cup of coffee or reaches for my hand. I could go on and on but the list would be ad infinitum because life is full of grace. 

I think many times we are too busy or too unaware to notice the touch of divine energy in our lives. It is easy to take life for granted and fail to stop for a while and focus on the miracles and goodness that surround us.

Sliding into a negative space and paying more attention to the "bad" things happening to us or around us can be habitual. We can start to take the gift of life for granted and miss the miracles that abound and forget that we are graceful beings. 

For me, noticing and focusing on the goodness and grace of life fills me with gratitude for this life that I get to live. It fills me with a deep feeling of kindness and love towards myself and all of creation. 

It behooves each of us to take time to notice life and not sleepwalk through it. Look up at the sky and pay attention to the magnificent colors of the earth. Notice how trees grow and how animals go about their lives. Look into your loved ones eyes and see the goodness that abides in their soul. 

We all live in grace and when we "get" this we can't help but be filled to the brim with gratitude, and when that happens it spills over and runs out on others. 

Notice the grace in your life today.

Life life in gratitude.

 

 

MY BROTHER

 

MY BROTHER

Today, September 15, would have been my brother's 83rd birthday. He is no longer with us, but though he is gone, the memories live on.

My brother was 2 1/2 years older than me and was a typical big brother. He pretty much let me follow him from one place to the other and even rode me on the handlebars of his bike in he summer so we could go to the Shell swimming pool together. Those were the fun days. We played together, ate together, traveled to family events together and were very close.

And then the teen years came and we began to drift apart. He developed interests that I was not included in and I was living in my own world by then. We would sometimes go together to the weekly sock hops and to the ice cream parlor on Friday nights, but we seldom came home together. 

In 1957 my mother remarried and she, my stepdad and my brother and I moved away from our childhood home and into a new home in Metairie, La. I was in the 10th grade and my brother went off to college. 

While still in college he got married and he moved to Baton Rouge. We really went separate ways then. I remember thinking often that he was an alien and I did not know who he was anymore. 

I think we both had changed a lot by then and were definitely pursuing different goals and had different lifestyles. He had gotten his degree from LSU and was making good money and living a lifestyle that was not familiar to me. I would sometimes visit him but seldom felt comfortable around him anymore. 

The closeness we had shared during childhood was definitely gone and though I longed to be close to him again, I could not seem to find a way into his life. We were like night and day and except for being related by blood and connected by family, I felt no connection.

I am grateful all of that changed when we got older. He went through a divorce and remarried and we started connecting a little bit more. Over the years, thankfully, we drew closer and closer to one another and I felt like I had my brother back.

As I look back on all of those years and the broken relationship we had I can see how my feeling intimidated by him helped to create the gap that developed between us. As I began to grow in my sense of self I was able to take a step back and look at him in a different way. Instead of judging him for being who he was, I began to look at all of his good qualities and I found myself appreciating him and taking an interest in his life and what he was doing. 

The closer I moved in towards him, loving and appreciating him, the more he moved towards me and we rekindled the close brother-sister relationship we had as children. Before I knew it we were calling each other all the time and sharing stories about our lives.

On January 20, 2021, the unthinkable happened and my brother died of Covid-19.  He was in the hospital in quarantine so I could not go see him. Before he had to go on a ventilator, I called him to try to talk to him. He did not have his hearing aids in so he could not hear me. I was screaming into the phone and he could not hear me. He finally hung up, the next day he was on a ventilator and that was that. 

I was in Virginia at the time and he was in Arkansas. I knew in my spirit that he was not going to make it. Feeling distraught over not being able to see him or talk to him so I could say good-bye, I did the next best thing and decided to communicate spirit to spirit.  My spirit talked to his spirit many times over the two weeks before he died so I did get to tell him what he meant to me, how much I loved him and how much I was going to miss him. I said my good-byes in spirit.

I miss our phone calls, our visits and I miss his being able to fill in the missing details of my life from when we were children. It is strange and still sad on birthdays and holidays to not be able to talk to him.

I loved my brother (it was just the two of us) and I will always miss him and hold him close in my heart. I am grateful for the opportunity to get to know him as an adult and to share in his life. And now, thankfully I get to continue to share him with his two sons, my nephews Anthony and Andy. 

Happy birthday Bubbee. You are loved and you are missed. 

My brother and my son, Mac

It Feels Like Writers Block

A couple of weeks ago I began to think I had writers block. The reason I thought this was because lately, every time I sit down to write, it feels like I have cobwebs in my head.

I keep working at my writing thinking I need to prime the pump since it has been a while since I have written a book or a blog. But, that hasn't been working. The cobwebs are still there and the feeling I have nothing to say, even though the well is full and running over, remains. But, beyond that, there is also the feeling that I can't think of what words to use to convey my thoughts.

In short, I am looking at how much doubt I have about myself and my capabilities. 

I have been going within and talking to my spirit and asking for clarity on what is going on, because I sense that this is deeper than writers block. I feel the weight of something "big" coming to the surface to be seen and acknowledged.

Finally, after sitting and communing with spirit and opening to insight, I see it. What is staring me in the face is FEAR and DOUBT.

Fear of not being enough, of not knowing enough, of looking and sounding like a fool, of being made fun of and laughed at. Fear of people not wanting to read what I write because my words are not interesting enough.. Fear of thinking I am something I am not, a writer.  Fear of not being seen or heard. 

I long to write and love to write and the words are right there when I either sit with a pen in my hand, ready to put to paper, or at my laptop. Then I freeze, my mind goes blank, and I can't think of anything to say.

How deep is the fear? What does the act of writing activate within me that clouds my thinking and makes me want to get up and run? This is big stuff and it opens me up to knowing I have some big, unresolved hurts and wounds to look at, embrace and heal. There is obviously still a lot of childhood issues and beliefs sitting in my psyche waiting for light to be shed on them.

Every time I think I have hit a landmark on my healing journey, I discover another layer of the onion to peel away. So, I keep paying attention and peeling and healing while being aware that the story of my life is right here with me, nudging and pulling at me, and I am at choice as to whether to see and acknowledge what is there, or ignore it and pretend all is okay.

There is still a big piece of the hurt and trauma that my little girl, adolescent, teenager and young woman continues to carry.

My mind still remembers being called foolish, bad, a dreamer and crazy.

My cells still remember feeling flawed and less then.

My muscles and bones still remember feeling like no matter what I did or how I did it, it was just not quite good enough to satisfy the adults in my life . 

I still remember the inept feeling of somehow knowing I would never be able to measure up to my brother or my cousins (the good ones, the ones I was measured against.)

As a result, I tend to question every word I write, every blog I post, every article I have published. Is it good enough for people to read? Will it be of interest to anyone? I SO love that my longing for consciousness and authenticity keeps showing me the hurt, misguided beliefs and wounds that are ready and waiting for the healing light.

In the midst of all of this awareness, I feel a deep sense of gratitude for my being conscious enough to spot my areas of unconsciousness. I am thankful that I am where I am on my path to recognize what is calling to me for attention and love.

Meanwhile, I keep writing, as I can and as I feel inspired to do. I need to do this as I continue to do my healing work..

I recognize that I care enough about myself and my healing journey to listen carefully to what my body and soul is telling me and showing me. I know I am walking my sacred purpose, which writing is a part of, and I thank you for reading my words. My longing is to make a difference as I contribute to humanity.

WHAT IF AND OTHER QUESTIONS

 I do not believe our sensitive nervous systems are made to withstand the onslaught of chaos, violence, war, mass murders, a pandemic and its long term effects and death and destruction due to climate change. Many are suffering mentally, materially and physically as a result. 

Because I have such a deep love and concern for humanity, I do the best I know how to offer love, care, compassion, understanding and kindness to others. It is what I have to give, so I give it.

Recently, in my giving I have begun to question "What if?"

• What if we all realized we are part of the whole and therefore treat others as an extension of self?
• What if we all opened our hearts to the love and light that is already there and offered that love and light to a dark and sometimes dreary and exhausted world?
• What if we all gave to others what we would like to have given to us?
• What if we sat and listened to others instead of thinking we have to talk?
• What if we gave ourselves and others permission to feel what they are feeling?

Think about it!!

How do you feel when someone judges you, puts you down, takes advantage of you, ostracizes you or treats you and talks to you like you do not have a functioning brain?

The other side of the coin is how do you feel when someone praises you, offers you kindness and compassion and/or a hand up? When you are spoken to with respect and love?

Which would you rather have in your life? Kindness or meanness? Love and understanding or judgment? A hug or a slap? To be held or pushed away? To be accepted for who you are or to be rejected because you are not "them?" I am pretty sure I know how most would answer these questions, so what would happen if we treated everyone the way we want to be treated? 

We all come here as love and innocence and it is up to to each of us to return to love and practice living from that space. 

I really do believe the time is here to be the change we want to see in the world. 

• What if we lay down our sword and shield and just sit in peace for a while?
• What if we chose to honor and love self today by being nurturing and kind to yourself?. 
• What if we all took in the fact that we are a magnificent creation of light, we are all special and we deserve to be loved and treated kindly?
• What if the natural outflow of doing this resulted in a natural outflow of love and kindness to others?

Just think of what a difference we can make in the world and in the lives of others if we practice love and compassion on a daily basis.  

Just think of what a difference we could make in our own lives if we practice love and compassion towards self. We all deserve to be nurtured, cared for and held gently. Do it for you, do it for others.

Be the change you would like to see in the world! 

MEMORIES

 

My first conscious memory of childhood happened when I was about five or six. My mother and daddy had been separated for about two years so my mother, brother and I lived alone in a little house on the main street in Norco, Louisiana. Norco, which is an anagram for New Orleans Refining Company,(aka Shell Oil) is located due west of New Orleans. It is a small town where everyone knew everyone.  Back then, in the 1940's, life was simpler and for most people it was safe. There was no such thing as mass murders and though there probably was violence happening in the world, we didn't hear about it in our small town.

Most of the houses on our side of the street were little cracker box houses, all the same, all in a row. My grandparents lived three houses down from us in their own little cracker box. For most, I think life was idyllic, but it wasn't for me.  

I was known as the family "scardy cat". I could not describe  what I felt nor did I have any power over it, or understanding about it. I was just a scared little girl. When teased I would either cry or fight back. That is all I knew to do so I lived with the fear, terror and hypervigilance for most of my life. 

Here is my memory:

I was sitting on my bedroom floor playing paper dolls. My mother was cooking and she needed to go to my grandmothers to get something. She told me to come on with her and that we would be right back. I refused to go because I was doing what I loved more than anything, which was playing paper dolls. She kept urging me to get up and go with her and I kept refusing, so she said, "I will go without you then. I will be right back. Will you be okay?" I knew she was just going right down the street and would be right back so I said, "Yes."

She probably was not gone for more than a minute when I heard a creak on the floor board. I immediately panicked because I imagined there was a monster in the house who was going to get me. I jumped up from the floor and went running through that little cracker box. I ran out the door and onto the screened in front porch, then into the yard screaming all the while. Because I was so small I could not reach the latch on the gate which led to the busy street so I stood on the gate screaming and crying at the top of my lungs.

My mother came running down the street and when she opened the gate I threw myself against her. I don't remember how long it took to calm me down. All I do remember is the terror I felt at being left alaone.  

As I thinking about this, I was reminded why I was so terrified over being left. When I was three my daddy and mother separated. I do not remember the incident but obviously my body and my emotional being has always remembered it. 

Before my brother died, he gave me the details of that day, which he remembered because he was five and a half.  This is what he told me:

My grandparents had taken my brother and I to their house and later that afternoon they brought us home. They dropped us off and my brother, being the big brother, brought me into the house.

When we got inside our mother was sitting at her vanity crying. My brother went to her and asked her what was wrong. She told him our daddy was gone and we were alone now. My brother says he told her, "don't worry mommy. I am going to take care of you."  He sat with her and tried to ease her crying and her pain. Eventually she stopped crying and that was the end of the story as he told it. 

As I listened to his telling of the story, I found myself wondering where was I and what was I doing. I asked him about it and he told me as far as he could remember I was just standing there, alone, crying.  I asked him if  he remembered anyone soothing either one of us and he said he did not think so.

What I remember about my daddy is that he was my knight in shining armor. I was his princess . I loved him and I knew he loved me. Nothing could have prepared me for my daddy suddenly being gone, with no explanation as to why. All I remember hearing eventually was that he was a drunk and he loved his liquor more than he loved me and my brother. At the age of three I understood none of this.

As I look back on that impactful, horrendous event, I have a clear understanding of why I was always so afraid of being left. That incident left me with a huge hole in my heart and also a huge issue of abandonment, which I carry with me today, even though, thanks to the healing work I have done on myself,  it is nowhere near as debilitating as it had been for most of my life.

Knowing the experiences I had as a child, I am very clear about how trauma affects the human brain, psyche and nervous system, and how unhealed trauma continues to inform our life until we summon the courage within to allow a healing process to take place. It can be scary to face our darkness and fears but ignoring them will not make them go away. We can only pretend for so long.

Thanks to the help of  two wonderful therapists over the years, today, I can be left alone and I can let the feelings in. I have learned to embrace my emotions knowing they are okay and I am okay. I also have learned how to not abandon myself, so I know I am never alone. I comfort my little girl within and give her sanctuary and a soft place to land and allow her to feel safe and to know she is loved. 

Memories can be a gift, even the painful ones, and can be a catalyst for deep healing. 

Afterthought: I encourage anyone who is considering the healing path, to not attempt to do this alone. Experience has taught me the importance of having a professional trauma based therapist in my life, I have not been alone on my healing journey. I have been blessed with wonderful heart sisters and brothers who have come into my life over the years who have walked with me, sat with me, cried with me and been with me on the path. 

WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY, THE TEACHER WILL APPEAR!!!

ANGER ISSUES

 Someone asked me recently if I ever get angry. I was pretty shocked by the question and wondered why anyone would think I do not get angry. After thinking about it I have come to the conclusion that because I am usually on an even keel and pretty much okay with myself and life, others might think I am above anger.

Trust me. I am not above anger.

I can have a meltdown like anyone else and my meltdowns are not pretty.

There are usually two circumstances that can happen that will drive me over the edge and into a feeling of overwhelm.

One is trying to pull a meal together where there is a lot of prep and cooking and I have no help, and the other is about anything having to do with technical issues. 

I love to cook. I am a creative cook and the majority of my dishes are all made from scratch. I am at home and have time to shop and prepare and really like to turn out beautiful, tasty meals and desserts. When I get frustrated, which leads to my meltdown, is when I am trying to mange two or three dishes at once and I need help. 

If I am alone, I deal with it and do not get angry, but if there are other adults around who are watching TV or doing other mindless things and are not offering to help, I get pissed.

Because one of my basic beliefs about myself and life is that I am alone, I have to do it all and nobody cares enough about me to offer help, I can easily fall into the poor me, nobody cares state of mind and I have to do it all lies that I took on as a young girl.  These thoughts make me angry.

I know this is a childhood issue, and I am working on it, but I am not there yet. Meanwhile, I allow my anger to be what it is and pay attention to it. 

I sometimes have the presence of mind to take a deep breath and step back for a minute. When I do that I can then ask for help in a nice way instead of in an accusatory and ugly way and I can make it through without getting angry at myself and everyone around me. When I am able to do this I feel good because I know the healing work I have been doing is working. 

Then there are technical issues, which are a biggie for me. It is like I have grey cells missing in my brain when it comes to tech stuff. I have come close to throwing my phone and my laptop across the room many times. 

When I get in a bind, I go to Google and look for the answer to my problem, and there usually are directions for me to follow to fix the problem. However, most of the time I do not understand the directions. I don't get the language of technology. 

Personally, I don't even want to get the language, I just want someone to fix the problem for me and show me how to fix it it happens again. Maybe I am lazy when it comes to learning technology but that's okay with me because I have absolutely no interest in technology. 

I did not grow up in a high tech world, in fact, a lot of the technical advances of today blow my mind.

My interests are, and always have been, focused around words and feelings. I love words, am an avid reader and have written stories since I was a young girl. As far as the feelings part, I pay attention to my feelings and to the feelings of those around me. I usually can express my feelings and I easily read the feelings and state of mind of others. These are the things that excite me and keep my world humming.

Will I ever get past my anger issues and live in  perfect peace? I doubt it. But, that's okay because I understand that anger is part of my humanity.  The two areas of feeling alone and lack of understanding of technology may always be with me and I may always be activated by them. The good news is I am aware of these issues and am learning more and more to take deep breaths and step back from the situation before I explode. So, I am making progress and that is what matters.

Uncertainty

Because I am human, I understand it can be difficult to be in a place of uncertainty, of not knowing and not being sure about an outcome.  

We all want to know what is happening and how life will turn out for us. I believe this is part of what being human is about.

However, life does not always work that way. Often, we are left without definitive answers and without an assurance that all is well and all will be well.

I have experienced uncertainty many times in my life so I know what it feels like. I also know what it looks like and sounds like when others are in a vexed state of uncertainty.

I specifically remember one family I worked with when I was a Guardian Ad Litem. The foster dad had a lot of anxiety about the future of the two brothers he and his wife were fostering. .The foster parents fell in love with these children and hoped they would be able to adopt them one day. Since the children had been removed from an abusive home where they were being neglected and the biological parents were not interested in working a program to get their children back, there was a chance the boys would be eligible for adoption.

Every time I made a home visit the foster dad would anxiously confront me about what was the holdup, what was going on in the court case, what were the parents doing to get their children back and when would the court permanently remove the children thereby making them eligible for adoption.

He wanted an answer, an assurance and a certainty that he and his wife were going to be able to continue to raise these boys as their own. I saw the uncertainty eating away at him and wanted to assure him all would be okay, but I could not do that because I was just as uncertain as he was. All I could do was keep telling him the truth while encouraging him to allow his uncertainty to be okay.  

I would explain to him every visit that my commitment to these children was the same as his: to do all I could to see these boys have permanency in a stable and loving environment. But, all I could do was all I could do and all he could do was all he could do and ultimately the final decision would be the judges. 

I felt for this foster dad because I knew he loved those boys and wanted to give them a home where they could prosper and grow. I also understood his need to know their future and his desire to have some control in the situation. 

Unfortunately, life does not always work that way though. We often do not have control over a situation, a person or an outcome and when that happens we have to be okay with not knowing and not being in control. 

It is not easy to feel powerless.

It is not easy to doubt the future and not have the answers we long for.

But, it is part of life, and when we find our self in the place of not knowing and not having the answers, it is okay to be in doubt and to find a place of peace within the doubt and the uncertainty. 

We are not perfect and we don't always know. In fact, the closest I come to perfection is realizing how perfectly imperfect I am.  And being imperfect it is okay to doubt, to be uncertain, to not know, to not be in control, to not have answers, to question what the hell and when the hell will this change and to also allow myself to find a place of peace within, despite all that is going on without. 

It is also okay to slow down and breathe, allowing myself to embrace where I am, making the uncertainty okay.

I have learned that answers do come when they are ready.

I do see and understand the process when the time is right.

It is okay to doubt, it is okay to not know. Just be honest with yourself about your doubt and understand there is nothing wrong or blasphemous about having doubt and uncertainty,

The darkness will pass, the light will shine and we will have the vision to see what we need to see and know what we need to know. Fighting the darkness is futile.  It is easier to light a match if we have one, and if we don't, to wait for the dawning of light when we can see what has not been seen and know what has not been known.  Fighting that which we cannot control takes us out of our peaceful center and drops us into stress and anxiety. 

Always choose peace for yourself. Even when we don't know the answers to our questions, we can still choose to be okay and to be at peace. 

SAYING GOODBYE IS HARD

I live back in the woods on 5 acres of land and spend a lot of time alone, which is usually okay with me.  However, being family oriented and loving my family as I do, I find myself missing them often.  We are scattered in different states, except for my son who lives close by, so I do not get to see most of my family as often as I would like. 

Well, this past week was different. My granddaughter and great-granddaughter came to spend a week with me.  My granddaughter is 48 and my great-granddaughter is 17. In my eyes, they are not just my grandchildren. I see them as extraordinary beings. I see their sweetness and kindness and their willingness and desire to participate in life.  I listen to them talk of their hopes and dreams for themselves and the world. I feel the love they have for me oozing from their pores. We have a relationship with each other which is what makes our visits so special. 

I was so excited on Tuesday afternoon to go to the airport in Richmond to pick them up. I even got there an hour early so I sat in the baggage claim area so I could see them when they came down the escalator.  We saw each other at the same time.  I ran towards them and they ran down the escalator steps so we could throw ourselves into a nice big group hug. 

From then on we pretty much stayed together and played together.  

We went to VCU in Richmond for a campus tour, went out to eat almost every night,  sat around the kitchen table and talked, went to the theatre and to the movies, shopped a little, had a cookout with my son and daughter in law and some of her family and played board games and Uno till 2:30 AM on Saturday and Sunday. 

Yesterday afternoon I had to take the girls to the airport and my heart was so full of sadness. I really hated to see them leave because having them here was like having a breath of fresh air in my house.  

It was so hard to say goodbye.

It was so hard watching them walk into the terminal with their suitcases, knowing they were going home to New Orleans and I was going  home to a house that would be void of their presence. 

I  really miss those girls, My heart feels empty today.

 I am grateful for the time we got to spend together, and I wish I could keep them here forever.

Saying goodbye is hard!!