WOMEN SPEAKING UP

 

I am watching, in awe, the women of this country stand up, and stand together, to make their voices heard. Women are saying, "We will not go backwards." "We will not be silent." "We will not let others dictate to us what we can and cannot do with our bodies." " We demand the sane autonomy that men have."

Women are speaking up, marching in the streets and going to the polls in droves, in order to be heard. The days of women sitting silently by as the patriarchy attempts to keep them in their place, is coming to an end, We are standing up for the right to be treated as an equal.

Back in my day, the 1940's and 50's, most women were taught that our place was in the home creating a nice, clean space for the king to be in when he got home, in the kitchen preparing family meals, a cooperative partner in the bedroom who did not have the right to say "no," and the one responsible for raising the children. PLEASE HEAR ME CLEARLY!!  There is nothing wrong with being a homemaker. I stayed home taking care of my children until my baby was in Junior High. I loved my role as a homemaker and still have the highest respect for women who choose to be homemakers. 

My message to women in this specific blog is this. You are a first class citizen. You are not inferior. You are not chattel. You are not owned by anyone. You have a voice and it is okay to use it. You can speak softly or you can holler into a megaphone. Either is okay.

Let me say this again. When I speak or write about the patriarchy, I am not talking about men in general. I love men. I honor and respect men. What I do not honor is the patriarchy, which includes those men who believe it is their god given right to lord it over women. Women are not here to serve men. We are not here to be conquered or kept in our place. 

We are here to use our power to nurture and care for Self and others, not out of a duty, but out of love and compassion for other humans. We are here to be full of ourselves and to live large, to support the sisterhood, to be the epitome of goodness and kindness, to speak the truth and to stand for justice. 

We have the power of the voice and the vote. Let's use them for the good of women and for the good of all mankind. Speak up ladies!!  You matter!! 

THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE

The holidays are here, which, for me,  means Christmas is almost here.  I remember saying more than once during the year, that before we know it, Christmas will be here. And here it is!! Around the corner. 

Paul and I do not celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday, so for us it is more about being with family.  I like any holiday that increases the chances of spending time with family.  All but one Christmas in my life has been celebrated with family.  That year, we were having unresolved family issues, and Paul and I spent the day at the Rescue Mission, serving meals to everyone who walked in the door. That was such a memorable experience, though I was sad because I was not with family.

Because I enjoy looking at lights, I love the tradition of having a Christmas tree. I do not look forward to decorating a tree, but I do look forward to sitting by it every night with the lights plugged in. For me, the saving grace of decorating the tree is getting to hold each ornament and reminisce about where the ornament came from. Some of my ornaments were on the tree when I was a little girl. One day, while visiting my mother, my cousin and I went up in her attic. I found an old box from Krauss Department Store (which closed years ago), tied with a half rotted piece of string. In it, were a dozen red ornaments that were on the tree my grandmother used to decorate.  I also found ornaments that were my mothers, plus some old glass candy canes that were hung on the tree. This is part of my fun of celebrating Christmas, going through each ornament one by one.  

I still enjoy the tradition of sending Christmas cards, and I thoroughly enjoy receiving cards.  I feel a certain amount of sadness every year as the cards that come through the mail get less and less. I think there is something special about sitting down every December and writing personal notes in a Christmas card. But then, I still send birthday cards, get well cards, thinking of you cards and cards for almost any occasion you can think of. I appreciate personal greetings and to me, an electronic card or an email is not the same. 

Paul and I usually spend Christmas Eve night at Mac and Robyn's house.  On Christmas morning, we all gather around the tree with coffee and bloody mary's, or mimosas, and start the long process of opening gifts.  After about 2-3 hours of oohs and aahs, we have a bite to eat, get dressed, load the car, and head to Robyn's mom and dad's house, where we spend the day. 

One thing I really miss on Christmas is not having all of my children with me. I still hold out hope that one year we will be able to have a family gathering for the Christmas holiday. That would include my children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. That would be a dream come true!!

No matter which holiday you might be celebrating, I wish every one of you, my readers, a happy and love-filled holiday season.  May your hearts be warmed and filled with the gifts of peace, joy, love, gratitude and everlasting kindness.

I pray everyone gets to gather for their holiday celebration with those they love. 

Happy Holidays to all. 💖💗💕

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

How do you treat yourself? Do you speak soft, encouraging words to yourself, or do you call yourself names and put yourself down? Do you nurture your body and give it what it needs? Do you feed it healthy foods, give it rest when it is tired, water when it is thirsty and warmth and comfort when it is needed? Do you pay attention to your soul needs for quiet, downtime, introspection and lots of love?

It is important to treat ourselves as we want and need to be treated. To be kind and generous to Self. This is part of keeping ourselves in grace as opposed to aggressing against our self. 

As children, many of us were not taught, or even encouraged, to care for Self. We were pushed to do more, to pay attention, and to do as we were told. Get up, make your bed, mow the lawn, clean the kitchen, sweep the garage etc. were familiar messages for many. Sometimes these were commands, sometimes requests, and often said with a sting of reproach if we did not want to do what was expected. There certainly is nothing wrong with a parent teaching a child to be productive; it becomes harmful to the child when the parent says or does things that makes the child feel something is wrong with them if they do not want to do what they are told to do. Often, in the parent's desire to mold the child into a productive person, they fail to see who the child is, or to hear what the child needs. Children's feelings, thoughts and desires can be overlooked, or even ignored, and treated as unimportant, which is detrimental to the development of the child. 

Generally, parents do not intend to hurt their children's psyches. The intention usually is to make the child conform to what it wants the child to be. Unfortunately, often parents do not know who their child is here to be or what the childs' sacred calling is, so they do what they think they are supposed to do if they are a good parent, and that is to mold the child into an image of their definition of success. 

Is it any wonder we grow up conforming to the desires of others?  

I know too many men and women who drive themselves to be more and to do more, while ignoring the cry of their soul to be quiet, rest awhile and come home to their authentic Self. They do this, not because they long to be busy, but because it is how they were taught to be when they were a child.

Our soul calls us home to a place of peace and contentment, but we can't hear the call when we are too busy trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  

Whoever you are, and wherever your are, you deserve to live in love, and to walk in your sacred purpose. Listen to what your body is telling you, Offer yourself big, healthy doses of nurturing and comfort. Wrap your arms around yourself and give YOU a hug. Put your hands on your heart and softly whisper to yourself, "I am here", "I love you", "I see you". 

Stop, and ask yourself, "What do I need in this moment?"  "How do I feel in this moment?" Asking questions can be good, and answering honestly can be enlightening. 

Come home to yourself. You deserve to be seen and heard and to know you matter. You deserve to live large and inhabit your purpose. I know you matter greatly. Do you know how much you matter?

LISTENING

 "When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen, not talk or do-just hear me."   On Listening by Ralph Roughton

I do believe listening is a skill many do not have. We are taught to read and write. We are taught how to pronounce words and speak correctly. But, there are few classes on how to listen.

When I owned my management consulting firm, I used to write and present seminars and workshops. One of the favorites for me to present, and for the participants, was "Communication." It seemed to be an eye-opener for many to come to the understanding that they lacked the skill of listening. 

Some listening statistics:

Approximately 55% of our total communication time is spent listening.
On the average, Americans listen at an effective rate of only 25% and our immediate recall of the average brief message is 50%.
Within 48 hours we tend to forget 25% of what we heard
85% of what we know we learn by listening.

Listening is the total process of understanding the meaning conveyed by another. Therefore, to really hear what someone is saying we need to commit more than our sense of hearing to the process. We need to listen with our eyes watching for facial expressions, body language and gestures. We also need to listen with our heart so we can hear what's not being said.

We stop listening, or just don't listen, for many reasons. When I was a child and I was being lectured to, I'd hear what was being said with my ears, but the message went in one ear and out the other. The reason I didn't listen was because of the trigger words that were being used. 

Most of us. whether we are children or adults, respond negatively and stop listening when we hear the phrases: you should, you shouldn't, you always or you never. These are words that make most of us go deaf because we immediately have our anger or shame issues triggered by the words or phrases. 

Have you ever been trying to tell someone how you feel about something and wind up being hollered at, or put down by the other person? Have you ever tried expressing your feelings to another and have them tell you not to feel the way you feel? This is what happens when we do not know how to really listen and hear what someone is saying. 

When my husband and I first got serious about each other we made an agreement to communicate fairly and honestly. We agreed we would not use the words should, shouldn't, always or never in our debates or disagreements. Making blanket statements are unfair and almost always end in an argument or a shut down. Besides, what's true for most of us is we don't always, seldom never, and really, how could you possibly know what I should or shouldn't do. 

I believe many relationships fail because of lack of listening, and in many cases, due to lack of knowing how to say what we feel. When our statements to others are criticizing and demeaning, the listener jumps on the defense and cannot hear what is being said. When we are able to speak softly, and without blame, letting the other person know how we feel and what we need, without making them wrong and blaming them for how we feel, we can usually be heard. 

Sharing feelings and needs, and learning to listen to others, are a large part of what makes a relationship healthy and satisfying. It is never too late to start the practice of honing our listening skills. Start today. Put down whatever it is that you are doing and pay attention to others when they speak. Really listen!! Listen with your heart, not just your ears. You may be surprised at what you hear and what you learn when you start to listen. 

WE ALL NEED TO BE HEARD 💖💗💞

NURTURING OUR NERVOUS SYSTEM

Matt Licata said, "Maybe, when it's all said and done, there will be only one question that remains. How well did I love here? Did I slow down and take the time to really experience this life? To help someone who was hurting? To paint something or dance, or to put my hands in some clay? To look into the eyes of the person passing by or into the eyes of a little one? Or to fall to the ground in awe of the earth and her beauty and her power and her grace? Did I really allow myself to experience the sunrise or the moon, or a child playing, or the colors and the falling leaves? Or the holiness, and being able to take one full breath?"

No one knows how long we have to live, so treating each moment like it is special, and a gift, does matter. We are not here to be busy—we are here to be. I see so many running to and fro; many running from themselves. My question is, "What do you think you will lose if you take a moment or two to do any of the above?" 

Slow down!! Honor and nurture yourself and your loving spirit. Within, we all long to connect with life, with the divine, and with others. We also have a deep desire to connect with our Self. When we truly see and understand the divinity of our life, we are empowered to stop and take a few breaths, go within, check in with our bodies, sit still, and just be for a moment. 

Because we are in a world that is moving beyond fast and we are bombarded with news of chaos, war, anger and hate, we need to step aside and connect with the other part of our world which is love, kindness, softness and compassion. This is the energy that is flooding the earth and I am convinced that the more humans slow down and spend time with Self and others, the more the love and kindness will flow. Light is overtaking darkness. 

Last year, I took a twelve week class on "Resting Your Nervous System." It was an eye-opener and a game changer in my life. I was introduced to the tenderness and sensitivity of the nervous system. To my shock, I began to see how misunderstood and mistreated my nervous system had been. Lacking an awareness of the tenderness of the system, I overworked, overwhelmed and even abused my nervous system and then wondered why I was anxious, depressed and panicky. 

I could not even begin to tell you the times in my life when I was tired or overwhelmed or in need of quiet, and I kept going. I continued to drive myself because it was my responsibility, or my job, or I needed the money, or it was expected of me. Often it was because I just did not yet understand how precious my life was and that I deserved the best. 

I was a master at filling the spare moments with activity. Sometimes the activity was social media or TV, or a new project. There is nothing wrong with any of these activities, there is nothing wrong with being busy and accomplishing goals. The problem comes in when we forget to pay attention to the inner yearnings of our soul. 

Because the nervous system is very tender we can easily overwhelm it. It is our nervous system that lets us know when we are safe. When we push it and demand it contain more than it is able to, we take away our sense of safety and we wind up outside our window of tolerance, in a place of overwhelm. This can create a state of anxiety, stress and tension. We sometimes don't even realize what we are doing to ourselves until a breakdown happens, which could be a panic attack, an anxiety attack, illness or we plunge into depression. Sadly, in need of relief we often revert to taking a pill, which is a temporary fix. 

What is the prescription for a fractured nervous system and how do we bring healing and rest to our nervous system?  How do we nurture this tender system of ours? We listen to it, we give ourselves quiet time, not to scroll through social media, but to BE with life. Take a few moments to smell, feel and listen. Give yourself space in between. Rest when tired. Pay attention to those things in life that activate you and get you going, and question whether you want to continue being activated, or, are you ready to form some new pathways for your life. Let's choose peace!!

LARGENESS OF LIFE

 

I believe life is as large as we allow it to be. I also believe we are meant to live large, and only fear keeps us from fulfilling that natural, but often overlooked or denied, part of our being. 

As I think back on my life, I am surprised at how many different paths I have been down.

I've been:

A hair stylist. I owned  a shop for a few years.
A homemaker. I stayed home with my children until my youngest was in Junior High.
A Practice Manager. I managed a four doctor, thirty-five staff orthodontic practice.
A Practice Management Consultant, Seminar/Workshop leader and public speaker. I owned a management consulting firm and traveled the country consulting in orthodontic offices.
A Business Office Manager for a hospital based home health agency.
A facilitator of healing and bonding women's circles.
Owner of a therapeutic, massaging insole business. After ten years of working this business , I retired.
A writer, author and blogger.
A volunteer special advocate for abused, neglected and abandoned children.

I've done many things and been on many paths. Life has taken me in a lot of different directions.

Am I through morphing, moving, growing and changing? I don't know, but I don't think so. I am 81, but still open for new adventures. 

Have I done everything I've wanted to do? No, I would still like to bartend, I know not why. And I wanted to be a psychologist but had to drop out of school for financial reasons. 

As I look back on my life, I am glad I took all the chances I did. Over and over, I forged forward into new territory, and if I had to do it all again, I would do it the same. 

Every new adventure I took, each new territory I explored, I entered with fear and trembling. I was always afraid of failure, of looking stupid and of being thought that I was an imposter, but I kept going. I stuck with each adventure till it was over. When I knew within I was "done", I moved on. 

Today, I know I am a courageous soul, but I was not admired for my courage. In fact,  I was considered to be flighty, a person who could not make up her mind, frivolous, not quite all there, a little crazy, reckless and a gypsy. When I was younger I was a people-pleaser, so it still shocks me when I think of the daring things I chose to do, while knowing I would be judged for doing them. 

But, ho-hum, I pressed on because the largeness of life beckoned to me. I did not know then what I know now, or I should say I had not yet remembered who and what I was. All I did know was that my spirit longed to soar and to be free. 

I'm thankful I followed the call of my heart, because I am where I am due to the leading of spirit, and the courage to follow. 

Humans are created for spontaneity. We are made to be large and to expand. We each make the decision to live a small life or to be vulnerable enough to reach for the brass ring. What decision are you making? Are you settling for the known and the safe, or are you willing to expand? BE LARGE!! BE ALL YOU CAN BE!!

SOFTNESS

 

It is so obvious to me how powerful softness is. Some think softness is weakness, but actually softness is strong and powerful. A soft word or spirit can move mountains in our lives, and in the lives of others. 

I see softness in two different dimensions. 1) A softening of the words I speak to myself and to others. 2) the softening that happens to my hardened edges and hardened parts of my being when I absorb truth and light.

Softness is essential, if we want to experience a full range of emotions and connect deeply and intimately – both with others and with self. I believe we have to let down our defenses in order to soften.

I have witnessed many times the impact a soft word can have on a sad and/or suffering being. I also am very aware as the hardened parts of my being, along with the behaviors I have learned in order to get by in this world, begin to soften as I embrace the truth.

For the most part, we are all suffering humans who have some hard edges. We try not to show our vulnerabilities to others, but those vulnerabilities show up in many ways. Some of our more common vulnerabilities are fear of being less than, of not measuring up, of not knowing or being enough, and/or, fear of failure. Protecting ourselves long enough can, and often will, result in a hardened stance.

For many, we adapt to just living life the way we live. Maybe we talk too much to cover our discomfort, or maybe we laugh at everything and attempt to make others laugh in order to cover our unspoken sadness and grief. Perhaps we call others names, and make those unlike us wrong in order to cover our own sense of inadequacy. There are many behaviors we can adapt in order to "look" okay. But, because we become adept at looking okay, does not mean we are okay. We all know on some level what goes on in the deeper regions of our souls. 

Most of us carry some degree of unhealed trauma, which creates suffering in the body and in the emotional and psychological being. As a result, we walk around caged inside a false identity. We do our best to be accepted by the masses, by our loved ones and friends, and in our society. We hide our pain and pretend all is well. 

The big question is: what are we sacrificing to play this game? The second question is: how do we soften the hard edges so we can see into our soul and recognize the "one" we left behind in order to cover the emotional pain?  

I believe a soft light is better than a harsh one, and I believe truth can be received by Self and others when it is delivered in softness and love. I have seen over and over the hard edges soften when truth is spoken in softness. 

Women are nurturing by nature.  We have an innate softness. Unfortunately, for many, due to unhealed and unacknowledged trauma, our softness is covered with a hard resolve. We do this in order to make it through life without having to expose the  pain and suffering we carry in our core being.

Softness is all about love. Love for self and our sensitive nervous system and being, and love for others and where they are. Judgments and criticism of self and others serves no purpose. Soft words, on the other hand, engenders healing and softness in others.  A soft and compassionate presence can work miracles. 

Try this. In the midst of an argument, or of harsh words being spoken, take a step back and take a deep breath, then speak love in softness. Watch what happens. I have done it many times. Give up the argument, and the need to win and be right, and respond instead with loving, caring words. The charged energy around us changes when we change our stance from one of harshness and fight to softness, care and kindness. 

When someone cuts us off on the road and we see red, instead of cursing them and giving them the middle finger, try taking a deep breath and sending a blessing to them. Doing this will replace your anger and frustration with peace. 

Another action that can be taken is: In the midst of seeing someone suffering emotionally, instead of trying to fix them,  respond to their pain in softness and compassion. When this happens I can usually see the softening within the other, which will then turn into a healing moment. I know the tendency is to want to fix others when they are hurting, but often we don't need to be fixed, we just need to know we are seen and heard and are not alone. 

Be soft. Speak softly. Walk softly. Let your words and actions be filled with love and compassion. Bring healing to the world and its inhabitants with a soft touch. You matter. We all matter and we all deserve love.

COOPERATION VS. COMPETITION

 

We choose what kind of world we want to live in. 

My observation is, there are two camps, or two ways of being in this world. We decide, at some point in life, how we are going to live in the world. 

We either choose to adhere to an Us versus Them mentality or a You and I vision. We either believe we are separate from others, so whatever is happening out there does not really affect us, or we focus on the whole because we know that we are all connected, and therefore what affects one, affects all. 

US VERSUS THEM

In an Us vs. Them way of thinking, we believe someone or something is causing our life to be as it is. Somebody is taking my chips. Someone out there is responsible for my not having what I want, or for me being in the situation I am in. In this stance, we are victims and therefore powerless because someone else is causing all of our headaches. 

If not for them, we would have more money, a better job, a bigger house, or more stuff. THEY are unfair-it is their fault our lives are as they are. In this state of being we live from fear. We fear anything unlike ourselves. We fear other's beliefs. We fear other ethnicities, religious beliefs or no beliefs, sexual orientation and different color skin, We compete, fight, go to war, kill, put down, persecute, shame and vilify anything or anyone who we perceive as being in the way or threatening our way of being or our way of seeing the world.

Instead of celebrating differences, we tend to shut them down, shut them up and get rid of them, if possible. This type of thinking views struggle and competition as natural and the way to get what we want. When we live in this me vs. them place, we tend to create chaos. We often turn to violence as a means to an end. This is a small box to be in. It is extremely limited because it excludes anything unlike it. 

YOU AND I

The other side of the coin is You and I thinking. When we occupy this space, or perhaps this space occupies us, we take responsibility for who and where we are. We know, and we understand, that we are all connected, i.e., our lives are enriched by the whole. In a world where we know we are all brothers and sisters, we include all. 

In this place, if I do not have what I want, it is not because someone is taking it away from me. I do not look to the "other" to see who I can blame for what does not work in my life. I look within. 

In a you and I world, we share instead of compete. We cooperate with others instead of making them wrong and resorting to name calling and labeling. In a you and I world we strive for community and we allow others to have their own thoughts, feelings and beliefs. We may not always agree with others, but instead of resorting to fighting and hate, we listen and look for a way to cooperate and care. 

A PYRAMID OF THINKING 

I read a lot of books on quantum theory, and one of my favorite authors on the topic is Gregg Braden. I like to read Gregg's books because he has a way of explaining what I normally would have a hard time processing. When I read Gregg's words I somehow can understand higher truths.  

While reading Resilience from the Heart, by Gregg, I was struck by his ideas about our thought processes and how we view the world.  In this part of the book, Gregg posits a hierarchy of thinking. *

The following is his pyramid of thinking, in which he starts with our thoughts on the origin of life and ends with the tipping point of crisis. 

We vs. Them                                                                    You and I

                               1.  The Origin of Life 

1. Random occurrence,  chance                                     1. Directed process of design

                                         2. The Origin of Human Life

2. Chance occurrence of random process                      2.Rare combination of designed systems                       

                                         3. Our Relationship to Our Body

3. Separate & powerless                                                 3. Connected& linked

                                         4. Our Relationship to the World

4. Separate & independent                                              4. Connected & interdependent

                                          5. The History of Civilization

5. Linear, one-way trend                                                  5. Cyclic & conditions & crises repeat                        

                                          6. The Tipping Point of Crisis

6. Solved through competition,                                        6. Solved through cooperation, 
force & conflict                                                                     understanding & mutual aid

Personally, I embrace the concept of cooperation, sharing and community. I find an innate power in taking responsibility for my life as opposed to playing a victim and blaming everyone else. Victims present themselves as powerless. Victims need someone else to come along and save them as opposed to one who takes responsibility for shifting their life. 

Which world would you rather live in? An Us versus Them one where you have to fear others because life is about competition, or a You and I one where you live in harmony with others.

I know what I choose. 

 *Braden, Gregg, The Good News, Resilience from the Heart, Hay House, 2014, pg. 181

AHNVEE, COSHON AND MY CAJUN UPBRINGING

 

While going through some of my ancestry papers a few days ago, I came across a page of cajun french expressions. I had written these down a few years back when I was making notes of some of the words and phrases I learned as a child. Most of my family spoke French to each other, especially when they did not want the children to know what they were talking about. In fact, my brother and I were the first generation that was not taught to speak French. However, though we weren't schooled in speaking French we did grow up using many of the cajun french words and colloquialisms. 

When we longed or hankered for something, especially food, we had an awn vee (ahnvee).  We did not vacuum or mop, we passed the vacuum or we passed the mop. We also passed a good time. We ate sandwiches with mynez (mayonnaise) on them, we put on our drawz (drawers), and a kitty cat was known as a meenoo. When something tasted good our standard expression was May sha (mai cher) that was some good, yeh. My godmother was my nanan and my godfather was my paran.

People who did not know what we knew were cooyawn (couillon) which means stupid, when something was dirty it was coshawn (coshon) and we ro dah dayed (rodee') which means we ran the streets. We could say anything we wanted about anybody as long as we prefaced our remark with, "Bless her heart." Those who did not understand us were say-bet (ces't bet) which means uneducated. 

We also used the word me in a lot in our sentences. For instance, "I'm going to eat me some crayfish, or "I'm going to buy me some groceries. Our favorite card game was a cajun game called  Bourre', pronounced booray. When we went to bed we were going to make dodo (dough dough). When we beat someone by a lot we pelayed them and when we wanted to get even with someone we put the gree-gree (gris gris) on them. 

Growing up in southeast Louisiana surrounded by Cajun French people, in a Cajun French family, made an impression on me. A big part of my heritage that was passed on to me, and still sticks with me, was the art of celebrating life and family. There was always a large contingency of family gathered at our house and there was usually joke telling, laughter, dancing, cocktails and a lot of food. This obviously made an impression on me because I still love celebrating life and loved ones. There is nothing that is more fun for me than being surrounded by loved ones eating, drinking and enjoying each other. Paul and I love it when family and friends come over and we get out the board games or a deck of cards and play games into the wee hours of the morning. I sometimes worry we will wake the neighbors with our hilarious laughter and loudness.

I am the only one left in the family from the "old guard" and I sometimes get nostalgic for those times when the house rocked with laughter and song, while the youngsters (that would be me) played with our cousins till we were worn out, or till the older generation made us go to bed. Bed for us, at those times, was what we called making a pallet on the floor. The children all slept on the floor so the adults could have the beds.

I call my growing up years, a Cajun way of life, and as I look back on those times I have come to appreciate the area, the people, and the uniqueness of it all. There was a time when I was embarrassed to be Cajun because people called us coon asses, but as I grew up I began to understand and appreciate my heritage. My people's motto for life is "Laizze les bon temps rouler", let the good times roll. Now, that has to be a good thing, don't you think?

LONELINESS AND ALONENESS

I am aware that I can be alone, in a place of solitude, and not be lonely.  And, I can be in a crowd of people and feel alone and lonely. I love humanity and I enjoy being with others, however I also treasure my moments of aloneness. When I am in a space of solitude, I am at peace and I enjoy a feeling of fulfillment.

I believe loneliness is a state of being that is a result of separation from Self, which results in being out of touch with our soul and spirit. When we come home to our Self (please note the capital S, which refers to our higher Self), we reconnect with all there is. There is a fullness in being connected to all there is. It is a space where we move beyond the little self. In this place, we can be alone, but not lonely. Our fullness of being no longer comes from a place outside of us. It all abides within. Here, we experience the largeness and expansion of life that we all long for.

When we come to the planet we are in a space of oneness. We are fully connected-body, soul, spirit. Once we take on a physical body and begin the process of enculturation and indoctrination into the life, family, culture and society we are born into, we begin to lose our oneness with all there is, with our essential Self.

We learn to adapt to the norms of our caretakers. We learn to play the game of fitting in. Many parents think their job is to mold a child into what the parent thinks the child should be. It is through this process that we begin to move from the fullness of who we are to becoming that which is acceptable. Most children have no choice but to conform to the norms. Choice is taken away by the threat of being unaccepted, shamed, punished and in some cases, abused. The further we move away from our Self, the lonelier we become and the more time we spend looking for something to fulfill us.

A vacuum has been created where the once complete Self was.  The ultimate result is isolation from Self and a deep longing within for we know not what. If we do not have the understanding of what we are longing for, we usually try to fill that emptiness with stuff outside of our being. We may use shopping, working, sex, entertainment, busyness, religion, drugs or alcohol. In this state of unawareness, we attach ourselves to anything that will help us fill the gaping hole in our being.

I know the process because I lived it most of my life. I tried everything to fill that need. It took years for me to finally realize I was looking for love, acceptance and fulfillment in all the wrong places. That is when I began the journey home to my core which is where all I longed for was tucked away for safe keeping. There I found, not a concept of the divine outside of myself, but the divine herself. My higher Self was within, not up in the clouds, somewhere out of reach. 

It has taken years of chipping away at the hardened surface that kept the authentic me hidden from the surviving me. I have learned to embrace and make room for those parts of me that were banished into darkness, those traits/characteristics/behaviors that were "bad" and unacceptable. I have made space for them in my life and acknowledge their existence. 

I challenge you to love and accept yourself-all of you. The good, the bad and the ugly. Be forgiving and gentle to those hurt parts of yourself. Practice excavating. Dig for gold. Mine for diamonds. Do what it takes to reclaim yourself-all of yourself, not just acceptable parts but the parts that have been orphaned also. 

SEVEN THINGS I DEEPLY LOVE

 "Sometimes you hear a voice through the door calling you,

As a fish out of water hears the waves...

Come back. Come back.

This turning toward what you deeply love saves you."  Rumi

After reading this for the third time, I asked myself, "What do I deeply love?" What are the things in my life that call to me? Those things, events and people that bring joy and satisfaction to my life. After deep contemplation and looking within, I decided the following are the things I deeply love:

1. I deeply love things of the spirit, like quiet mornings where I can sit still and follow my breath in and out. I practice presence during these times and feel a heightened sense of awareness as I pay attention to the feel of the chair I' m sitting on, the smells in the air, the sounds around me, and the feel of the floor or the ground beneath my feet. I sometimes scan my body to see if there are any areas of dis-ease that I need to pay attention to. I write my feelings and my mettas for the day. Doing this ritual in the morning prepares me for my day and reminds me what is important.

2. I deeply love soft, intimate times with Paul, when we connect on a conscious level. We sit quietly facing each other and share our fears, desires, and concerns. As we really listen to each other with compassion and love we create a bond and a level of in-to-me-see (intimacy) that nourishes our relationship. I also love motorcycle riding with Paul. We both touch pure joy when riding through mountains and forests.

3. I deeply love quiet moments with my sister friends who have chosen the path of healing. Our conversations are honest and personal as we reveal our hurts and joys to each other. During these moments I am lifted to new heights.

4. I deeply love family get-togethers when we all remember to love and respect each other, to lift and support each another and to express tenderness and kindness.

5. I deeply love being in nature, walking through the woods, hugging the trees, sitting by the water, looking at the night sky, being around animals, digging in the dirt planting flowers and vegetables, sitting and laying on the ground, walking barefoot and feeling and closely examining rocks and stones. Anything that allows me to touch and be part of nature calls to me.

6. I deeply love coming home to my authentic Self. I've been absent for years, not knowing who I was or what I needed. The more I reconnect with, and embrace my authentic Self, the more compassion I have to give to others. As I embrace and accept all of me, I notice I want less of what the world offers.

7. I deeply love laughter that comes from the gut. It feels good to laugh so hard I double over, my cheeks and jaw hurt and tears run down my face. I feel cleansed and at peace after a bout of belly laughter. Paul and I have started taping episodes of Seinfeld and Golden Girls. We watch a show or two before we go to bed and laugh a lot. It eases my soul and makes me feel good. 

I invite you to find a quiet place, take a few deep belly breaths, relax your body and ask yourself the questions, "What do I deeply love?" and "What brings me pure joy?" Write your answers so you can refer back to them.

Make time to give yourself the gifts of that which you love to have and to do. I believe turning towards the things we truly love makes a difference in whether we are living fully or partially existing. 

I would love to hear from you. What do you deeply love?

BEING A SEEKER AND CHANGING COURSE

When one way of seeing, doing, or thinking about life no longer works to our advantage, it may be wise to change our course. In most cases, there is more than one way to get from here to there. We can get stuck doing something one way and miss or even refuse to change course and try another way.

The old saying, "But we have always done it this way," can cause us to get stuck in how we do life. I believe, in order to change our course in life, it requires us to change our thinking. Because we have always thought one way about something does not mean we cannot think another way.

A lot of what we do or think has been passed on to us by our caretakers and/or by society, religion and authority figures. Because mom, dad, grandma or the Rabbi or priest said something was absolute does not mean you can't question it. 

When I was growing up, a lot of pedagogy was passed on to me, and I  grabbed hold of it and lived my life according to those rules. I did not question what I was taught, because I believed if an authority figure was teaching it, it must be right. I also was taught that it was unacceptable to question what my elders said. 

As I  got older and began to develop my own life, I started questioning a lot of what I was taught, and my life began to change. Life has actually gotten bigger. Asking "who made that rule?" and "Is this really true?" has set me free from many of my self-imposed/inflicted barriers to larger living.

I always adhered to the belief that it was faux pas to wear white after labor day and to have long hair after age 50. I knew, and I thought rightfully so,  blacks had their own section of town, if you were not a catholic you were going to hell, and if you were gay something was wrong with you.  Children were to be seen and not heard, god was a male figure and if my family or church said something was so, it was so. This was how I lived, the road I walked, and the course I was on.

Gratefully, I grew up and learned it was okay to question the rules of my family, the teachings of my elders and the dogma of the church. I learned I had a brain and it was okay, and even good, to be a critical thinker. I could think for myself!!

As my thinking broadened, so did my life. Some of the questions I asked, and the truths I saw as a result, scared me. As I began to change the dance steps I had always done, I soon found myself out of step with those in my life who were not ready to try new dance steps. I understood that it was easier to cling to long held beliefs and not question anything.  Over a short period of time I began to feel like a pariah, even within my own family.

Let me be clear that I did not begin to question the way of life I had been taught, just for the sake of questioning. The questions started because my soul was longing for expansion. I knew, on some level there was more to life and living than what has been passed on to me. It did not matter if everyone around me believed black was white. I was being pushed from within to take a long hard look at it and see if black was really black. (I am not talking about skin color.) What I did not know at the time was that I was destined to be a seeker. 

I remember, once, a long time ago, my brother and I were both visiting our mother at the same time. He came to me in the kitchen one morning, as I was sitting at the table writing. He gave me a piece of paper with a scripture on it. It was something about seeking. He told he he was worried about me because I always seeking and searching. I was instantly aware that in his mind, he believed something was wrong with me, because I was a seeker. I knew there would be no value in arguing for myself or in trying to make him understand where I was. So I just smiled at him and acknowledged he was right. I was a seeker!!

My heart has always been a seeking heart. When I was younger I did not know that because I did not know it was okay to find my own path in life.

I am still a seeker and probably always will be. I embrace that part of myself. I embrace my longing for more-more clarity, more life and a bigger vision. It is who I am. It is a big part of why I am here. I have learned that the clearer my vision and the larger and lighter my life, the more inclusive I have become, the deeper my empathy for others, and my compassion for the suffering I see in the world has grown.

I paid a price for being a questioner, for stepping outside of the box and coloring outside the lines. But, I do not regret any of it, and I continue to question and seek in order to continually broaden my vision. This is me and I honor my walk and my hunger. 

A BUMP IN THE ROAD OF LIFE

Even though, on many occasions, it feels like my life is getting smaller, it is actually expanding, Due to my continued failing health it seems life is smaller. There are fewer things I can do due to shortness of breath and fatigue, and I am relegated to the couch more often than I like. However, when I look with a clear eye and heart,  I can see how what looks like failure on my part, to keep myself healthy, is really just another bump in the road of life. 

For so long, I have struggled against this thing that is happening to my physical body. Thinking I had finally accepted what was happening, I then realized, instead of giving up struggle I was now struggling against the struggle. The struggle seemed wrong, so I fought the struggle. When I think about it, I can see how ludicrous this sounds and how destructive this can be for anyone. 

The truth is, I don't want to give up having a high energy, healthy body that afforded me the opportunity to do a lot of things in life. I could get up and go at the drop of a hat and now I sometimes even struggle with getting up out of a chair and getting dressed. Forget the extra effort of going out the door and going where I want to go and doing what I want to do. I had few physical restrictions, and now I have many. Some days I feel better than others, but overall, I just don't feel good. I don't feel like myself.

I don't like not feeling good. I don't like not being able to go for a walk. Almost everywhere I go now, someone has to drop me off at the door because I am too fatigued to walk what is usually a short distance from the car to the entrance of where I am going. This is not supposed to be the way life goes.

Accepting that my life has turned upside down and inside out has been very hard for me. But, I feel like I can no longer struggle because the more I struggle the smaller the box feels. I have to let it all go and accept life as it is now. What keeps running through my soul is, "this too shall pass." What also runs through me is the thought/belief that this is just another bump in the road of life, and the key to being okay is to let it all be okay. 

I believe life has the ability to expand from misery, to joy and peace, when we give up resistance and take life as it comes. 

 

Acceptance is a huge concept and it entails giving up the need to control life and to control outcomes. After all, my health was not supposed to take a downward turn. I was supposed to always be in good health and feel good. I took care of my body, ate healthy, exercised and thought I would always be full of energy and vitality. How could my body fail me so?

I am having to realize that nothing or no one has failed me, nor have I done something wrong to bring this upon myself. Rather, it is just what is so. Why did I get sick? I don't know. What do I have to do to get better? I don't know. I have no answers. The medical industry has no answers either. All I do have is the willingness to let it all be and to not make any of it wrong, to remember that life happens, and to get out of the way so I don't impede the progression of life.  

Like everything in life, acceptance is an ongoing process. I don't think we accept once and all struggle is gone. My acceptance level is expanding as I continue to be with what is and live life accordingly. I rest more, I have much more down time and I give myself permission to not feel good. I do believe that as I continue to choose acceptance and find a way to consistently embrace the situation, it will all get a little easier. Who knows? One day, I may get over this bump in the road and be able to look back with tenderness and compassion at "what once was."

KINDNESS

 

"What I want is so simple I almost can't say it: elementary kindness."  Barbara Kingsolver

In the past couple of years, kindness has taken on new meaning for me. I have always embraced kindness as an act of doing something nice for someone. But, as life goes on and my insight grows, I am understanding that kindness goes beyond actions. I have come to understand that kindness extends to the realm of being, it goes past the realm of doing.

I see kindness as an attitude that flows from the heart. It is a genuine mixture of care and compassion that extends to all. There is no exclusivity in true kindness. Kindness does not see color, religion, ethnicity, or political belief. 

When kindness roots itself in our heart, we become a kind person. Rumi says, "the pot drips what's in it," and someone filled with kindness, drips kindness. It becomes much more than an act. It is a way of being. 

A kind person notices the suffering of others and holds humanity close within. Upon observing or hearing of someone committing a vicious act or speaking spiteful words, the heart of kindness sees beyond the actions to the pain that has created the meanness and the anguish of another. A heart of kindness feels the suffering of others and knows on a deep level that all the children of the world are our children and we are all one race, the human race. 

When our hearts are filled with kindness, we withhold judgment and look instead to the spirit of the person. No one deserves to be kicked when they are down, or told they need to lay in the bed they made. Sometimes we need to be taught how to make the bed differently by someone who cares enough to reach out and show us how to do it. 

I aspire to a life of kindness and gentleness towards myself, and a spirit of benevolence towards the world and its occupants. I have seen the power of kind words and actions and have witnessed attitudes soften and behavior change in an instant through one act of kindness.

We all need kindness in our lives. Civilizations and relationships rise and fall on kindness. We are born for kindness. To be treated with kindness feels like a gentle rain falling upon a thirsty earth, and I do believe there are many parched souls among us. I wonder what would happen on this planet if we shared a vision of being kind souls who pour gentleness upon the earth and its inhabitants. 

Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth.

what you held in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he too was someone

who journeyed through the night

with plans and the simple breath

that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness

as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow

as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow,

You must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.

then it is only kindness

that makes sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes

and sends you out into the day

to mail letters and purchase bread,

only kindness that raises its head

from the crowd of the world to say

it is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you every where

like a shadow or a friend.

from The Words Under the Words: Selected Poems. Eighth Mountain Press. 1995

THE LITTLE PLEASURES OF LIFE

 

It is important to have pleasure in our lives. Pleasure, or even the thought of it, motivates people. Pleasure is good, and it is alarming how many people are afraid of pleasure. Many believe if they have too much pleasure, pain will follow. It's like pain is the price we have to pay for pleasure. I do not believe this. I have a sense there is much in life that is here for us to enjoy.

I have many pleasures, and I delight in all of them. A few of my pleasures are reading a good book, riding slowly through the mountains or forests on the back of our motorcycle, wrapping myself up in my warm fuzzy robe on a chilly night, well prepared food, a glass of Evan Williams honey whiskey in the evening, intimate conversations with friends, family gatherings, sitting quietly on my patio watching the birds, butterflies and squirrels and talking to the trees, sunrises and sunsets and following through with an original idea or project. Since getting sick in my physical body over a year ago, sadly, some of my pleasures have been curtailed. 

When Paul and I first met seventeen years ago, nothing pleased us more than getting on our motorcycle and taking off for parts unknown. We sometimes had a destination but were prone to take the long way to get there.

When we ride, we are truly engrossed in the journey and the pleasure we derive from being out in the open. We mostly stick to back roads and over the years we have seen a lot of americana in small towns off the beaten path.

We take trips on our motorcycle and absolutely delight in strapping a suitcase to our luggage rack and off we go.

One of my favorite motorcycle trips was in Ireland. We rented a motorcycle in a town outside of Dublin and for nine days traversed the island. We had no reservations and no agenda. We just rode. Some places were so delightful,  like the Caha Mountains, we went twice. 

Another delightful trip was when we were headed for the Poconos and wound up in New York in the Adirondacks. We hit the Poconos on the way back!!

I really enjoy our motorcycle rides, however for the past one and a half years, we have not done much riding because of my extreme fatigue and general sense of not feeling good. I miss those rides and hope I will feel good enough one day soon to experience copious amounts of motorcycling. 

Another great pleasure of mine is eating good food. I am a "from scratch" cook and baker and I used to make so many enticing, tasty dishes and desserts. Being a Cajun girl from Southeast Louisiana, I specialize in good Cajun cooking. Before I got sick, I would have fresh home baked breads, cookies and cakes around and often cooked a pot of gumbo or jambalaya. 

I still cook some and occasionally will bake, but for the most part that has all gone by the wayside, because one of the symptoms of my illness is a loss of taste. Now to some, that may not be an issue, but I am one who eats slowly, thoroughly chewing my food and paying attention to the explosion of tastes in my mouth as I eat a meal. I also am, so often, too tired to stand and prepare meals and baked goods, so I don't cook like I used to.

Today when I eat, I still eat slowly and pay attention to the food I am eating, but due to lack of taste, eating a meal is just something I do to fuel my body. I really miss the pleasure I used to get out of my food. I still have a little taste but what is left seems to be tainted. Every once in a while I will eat something that is really delicious. At those times I am filled with gratitude that I can taste the food. 

I have heard people use the term "guilty pleasure." Personally, I am not sure what that is because try as I might I cannot find a down side to experiencing pleasure, unless you are hurting someone or something. We all need those moments of pleasure. 

I believe pleasure has a transcendent value. Kahlil Gibran, in The Prophet, writes that pleasure is a freedom-song, a by-product of spiritual freedom. This freedom is experienced when a person has the ability to say yes to life. Think about the concept of saying yes to life and yes to those things that bring you pleasure. We all deserve to experience  that which bring delight to our hearts. Don't say no. Delight in your pleasures because you never know when they will be curtailed for a while, or totally eliminated. 

ENFOLDING LIFE AS IT UNFOLDS

To enfold is to wrap up, embrace or surround. 

To unfold is to open and spread out, to reveal, display or unwrap.

Enfolding and unfolding are at opposite ends of the spectrum, since one is about embracing or holding close and the other is about opening and spreading out. 

What I know about life is this. If we are awake and aware, and therefore paying attention, we will notice that life continuously unfolds. Events and circumstances are always giving us the opportunity to see life and ourselves in a new way.  

As who I am, the authentic me, unfolds, I am given the choice to either embrace what I see or make it wrong and deny it. We are always at choice about whether we react negatively or respond positively. 

It is not always easy to accept what I see unfolding before my eyes. However, experience has taught me that when I make the decision to let whatever is there to be what it is, and not fight it or deny it, I grow as a human and my soul experiences a new level of healing. 

As I have given myself over to the healing of my childhood wounds, and the growing of my soul, I have had experience after experience happen in my life, and these experiences have presented the opportunity for me to enfold what was unfolding. Often, I wanted to deny what was before my eyes, but thankfully I found the courage to enfold instead. 

One example of what I am talking about is:

About two years ago, some family members came to spend a couple of weeks here at my house. One of my guests was a teenager. Now, let me tell you, I love this child very much and was glad to have her here. However, as the days went by I found myself reacting to her negatively. I was always angry with her. I got to the point where I could hardly bear being around her and made her wrong for everything she did or said. 

Finally, one morning, sitting out on my patio, while thinking about what was going on with this child, and writing about it, I had a great unfolding. Suddenly, before me was the truth of the situation. I saw myself, when I was her age, in her. I saw her doing the things I did out of my discomfort in being who I was. As a young girl,  I longed to be seen, and to be heard and accepted.  Because I felt unseen, unheard and judged for being who I was, I acted out. I said and did inappropriate things. I saw her doing the same things I had done. But most importantly, what really got to me was realizing the pain she was carrying in her being. 

Recognizing her pain activated the unhealed sorrow and pain that I was carrying from my tumultuous teenage years. Seeing myself in her, enabled me to sit with that pain and let it in. As I sat with in, I had a deep awareness of the choice before me.  I could embrace my suffering child within so I could open the door for healing to happen or I could deny the pain I was carrying and just continue to shut her out and therefore shut out the pain that was swirling around in me.  I knew enough to know that until I allowed myself to embrace/enfold this pain, it would not go away. It would be exacerbated and activated whenever faced with a similar situation, such as what I was experiencing. 

The morning this unfolded before me, this sweet little teenager woke up and told another family member that she knew I did not like her. She cried because she felt I was being mean to her.

The other family member came to me and told me how this child was feeling. I told her, "Oh my gosh. She is right. I am just now seeing this unfold before my eyes and I need to apologize to her and make this right."

I went to the child and told her how sorry I was for being mean to her and for rejecting her. I went on to tell her how my behavior had nothing to do with her because she was just being her sweet self, but it had to do with me. I let her know that because I saw my teenage self in her,  all of that hurt and anger I felt then came back up in me. Because I had not yet healed that part of my life, I could not allow it to be in front of me. It brought up too much hurt that needed to be embraced and held lovingly by me, and I had not been willing to do that, so I rejected her. 

Facing our orphans, the pieces of self that we ignore, deny and reject, do not go away. They only go into hiding for a while, but will resurface again and again. Invariably, someone will say or do something and BAM, that stuff is activated. The result is usually pain or anger or both. Because we are endowed with choice we can either acknowledge/embrace what has been activated, or we can continue to push it back down and not let the light shine on it. 

Thankfully, I was able to enfold that which was unfolding,and she and I were able to reach out to each other. As I shared my insight with her, she was able to hear me  and we held each other and we cried together. It was a healing time for me and for this precious teenage girl. 

It is not easy to enfold the unacceptable parts and memories of our lives, but it is important if we want to lead an authentic life and be at peace.